How long did it take you, your significant other, step kids and your kids to blend?
Ok, I'm not known for being the most patient person in the world but I do my best. My BF and I have been together for a year. We dated for three months before introducing our kids to each other or to one another. He has two, boy 8 and girl 6, and I have one 9 yr. old boy. On our first meetings with our kids things went so incredibly well. It felt so right and just natural like we all belonged together. His kids took to me and mine to him and the kids liked each other. So a month after that he moved in with me. He was here all the time anyway, accept for kid weekends. So we've been co-habitating for 7 months. I know that's not a lot of time at all and I'm willing to give it plenty more time...just want to make sure it's not going to be a waste!
My son lives with us and goes with his Dad every other weekend. My BF has his kids every other weekend, so we have one kid weekend with mine and his and then one non-kid weekend (just us). I have to say I live for those non-kid weekends because we really need that time to connect. With him working so much and all that we don't get a whole lot of time just for each other. The non-kid weekends are wonderful. We get along very well and enjoy each other's company. BF wants to see his kids more and says he misses them all the time. The BM is all for BF taking kids almost whenever he wants, however, he works two jobs so it's hard for him to find more time to take them. I support him wanting to see his kids more and try to help him do just that. The problem I have is that where everything seemed so natural and wonderful before - like we almost instantly blended - now it's getting real rough. The last three or four weekends have been super hard.
His kids are a full time job x 2. They are demanding and need constant attention. When they are here we don't get one moment's peace - constant cooking, cleaning, whining, fighting, and/or needs to be met. I don't mind that so much (accept for having a trashed hous and being completely worn out on Monday's after skids weekends). The issue I have is although his kids get on my nerves at times and mine on his we both like each other's kids and are happy to have them around. I feel as though the kids and I are blending pretty well. It's my BF that's the problem.
His kids already hug on me, ask me for things, trust me and genuienly want to see me and spend time with me as well as him. They have totally accepted me and my kid has totally accepted my BF. He however can't seem to blend. He wants everything separate and seems to want his kids all to himself. He does everything in his power, it seems, to act like my son and I don't exist when his kids are here. You know he was playing cards with his daughter last weekend and she asked if I could join in and play with them. I said sure and then BF chimed in and said, don't bother, she is busy. When the kids are here it feels like we are strangers. One of us is usually tending to the girl, the otehr to the boys, or one is cooking and the other cleaning.
Sure our kids fight sometimes and we have the common skid issues but all in all I think we are lucky that everyone gets on so well! I can't help feeling we're all with the program but my BF is the square peg that won't fit into the round hole. How long should I expect it to take him to adjust and allow us all to be a family? Will it ever happen or am I just wastning my time?
"Blending" is a misnomer.
"Blending" is a misnomer. Really there is no blending. More like a "salad bowl"
Go get the book "Stepmonster" and read thoroughly. Less than two years and you're still just dipping your toe into SM world.
It is strange that he is
It is strange that he is acting like this, but perhaps he is still adjusting to the situation. Give him more time.
Blending a family takes quite a while, that's IF it ever happens. When you read some of the posts on the board today, it seems that many fall apart..quite sad but that's the reality.
Hang in there. My hope is that he adjusts and that all will be better, if you just be patient with him. He obviously misses having the kids to himself, but must realise that you and your children are in the picture now.
Just give him more time...IMO
Thanks. I kind of thought
Thanks. I kind of thought that was the case. After reading so many posts on here I was starting to see that there is a very real possibility and probably more so than not that we'll never be one big happy family. I suppose to some degree I could accept that as long as BF gets a bit more on board. I will check out this book. I think I do need to do a heck of alot more research and then make an educated decision as to whether this time, money, and emotional investment is truly worth the risk.
SIGHHHH...We are in similar
SIGHHHH...We are in similar places. You can read some of my blogs. We've been dating 2 years, I have two sons, he has one daughter. Honestly-I gave up on the idea of "blending" entirely recently-his kids knew him about 6months in-his daughter close to that.
First meetings were ok-but then his D became increasingly hostile with my kids-particularly my youngest. There IS NO working aroudn it, believe me we've tried everything! We don't live together though and at this rate wont for a while.
His D has become increasingly hostile, mean, and a brat to be around, I am abotu to tell him on our wknds w/kids (we do the same you guys do) he is to visit w/her NOT at my place. No more.
We also do SO well w/out her around as a couple and even him w/my kids. Him and my kids get along great-in fact he gets along and is more at ease and happy w/them then his own kid. The problem IS mainly his child-AND his guilt parenting that he won't discipline as he should..but honestly the girl needs bootcamp type discipline IMO.
Just him and I, great, him and I and MY kids, great...him him and I both sets of kids, nightmare from hell. SO...process of elimination..HIS kid.
Your bf sounds different though-my bf does try to do things together, etc...his child just cannot mesh w/mine, or with any kid pretty much for that matter. ALWAYS has problems w/other kids.
Trying really hard to give
Trying really hard to give him more time and be very patient with him. I think he is a good man, I really do and I do love him. I really want this to work and I'm already too emotionally involved not to hang in there a bit longer. As I sit here in agony over the last two days since the skids left trying to figure this all out, I'm thinking....one thing we got away from is doing this together when we have the kids. It was a long rough winter. We used to go to the park with all the kids and do things together and that went very well. Being trapped in the house all winter and low on funds we've not ended up just stuck in the house with the kids being maids/slaves all day. I have a narrow galley kitchen and we've both noticed that often times we do these weird pass by's where we just walk by each other, me heading in one direction and him in the other and you can cut the tension with a knife. Neither reaches out to touch the other like we normally would passing by so close and it feels weird. I try now to make a point to brush my hand on his back or something when we pass like this but he's not returning the affection, even though he was the one to bring up the awkward kitchen passing...weird, huh?
Next kid weekend I'm going to plan an activity for us and try to get us all out in the fresh air to do something together. Maybe that will help but I'll let you know!
Love this site!
I feel like I wrote this post
I feel like I wrote this post LOL my family is the same. its a lot of non blending and agony and hurt. My fiance' wants everything seperate (kids stuff, toys etc. and even our money) he is a loving wonderful fiance'. He doesn't LIKE my kids at all though. He spends time with "his boy" the golden child and my children are often on a back burner with him. I also feel like a single mom and there is no family. I told my fiance' I didn't move my life upside down to be a single mom. He doesn't get it. Its been two years and still like this.Good luck.
I met NN 12+ years ago. We
I met NN 12+ years ago. We married over 9 years ago.
There was no blending. This is almost 100% NN's fault with some blame to the BM, I suppose. She IS a PASinator.
But I know that NN made DAMN sure that the skids and my bio did NOT spend time together. This, of course, meant that I spent more time with my bio than with my skids.
I felt like I was still a single mother with a roommate rather than a family that "blended."
It's too bad too, because my son and my skids DID get along well - and still do. They just don't know each other all that well. I would have much rather considered that I had THREE kids rather than one bio and two skids.
NN is the same with the rest of his family vs. my family. It's like he doesn't even want them to meet. I pictured a nice restaurant dinner with both sets of parents/step-parents meeting and interacting. Nope, never has happened.
Well, he is getting what he wanted. I am leaving...
Sounds sadly familiar I
Sounds sadly familiar
I want everyone to get along too - parents, step parents, there is no need to be territorial in my opinion. I hadn't met my BF's ex until just about a month ago and it was only for a second to drop off the kids. I was nervous as hell. I don't want her to hate me and I don't hate her but I've no idea how she feels about me. As for my ex he has met my BF's kids and my BF. I've had my BF's kids with me when I drop off/pick up my son from his Dad and there really isn't a problem with that other than I don't think my BF likes it very much. I don't expect us all to be one big happy family but there's no reason to be so separate, we are the adults, you know?
I've been thinking of telling BF that maybe he should go to his brother's house and stay on his 'kid' weekends so he has his kids all to himself and then maybe we can get together once in a while for a picnic or something. I think though this would hurt and confuse the kids who are now used to and like to come here and be with us. If we did that it would be only for my BF's selfish benefit and do nothing to help us bond and be together so I guess that really isn't an option I want to consider.
I may end up giving this man what he wants soon too and saying to heck with it. I hate to when our kids like each other so much and are already bonded and I his kids like me so much but what can I do if he won't get with the freakin' program!
9 years and counting
9 years and counting
I've been married 12 years
I've been married 12 years together 14- we are not blended. I believe looking back there was alot of PASing going on in the other house. SD barely comes around and it requires us contacting her. She doesn't contact us. SS was real close to DH until the last couple of months and he has totally pulled away.
However, I come from a sfamily as well. My parents were married for 32 years (that would be my bm and sd) when he passed away. I would say we were pretty well blended for the majority of our adult lives. I think his passing had a wake up call to us and we realized that now we HAD to make the effort to blend ourselves, we don't want to lose the connection with the step siblings, and they us. The parents though- we were all treated well and loved. And the each skid viewed the SP as a parent.
New concept to our parenting era:
My mom took care of what was needed by each kid for each kid.
IF this meant that sb needed shoes, and I needed socks that is what happened. However, needs were supplied by CS. So those of us that they paid for didn't get anything, those of us that didn't get CS paid got stuff instead.