OT - Funeral Etiquette Question
I hate that I have to bring this up, but this year hasn't been off to great start.
Found out a friend's grandfather died. This friend is one we game with on non-kid weekends, and he is a colleague of mine.
What is proper etiquette? Send a card? Card and flowers? Send nothing? I don't know his family, just him.
Is there a flow chart somewhere that you can put in the characteristics of the relationship and get a "do this" response? Unfortunately, I am hitting the age where this is going to start happening more frequently, so this isn't a one-time-only deal.
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I would send a card. I don't
I would send a card. I don't think flowers are really necessary unless you have a bigger connection to the family.. ie a parent of a friend of yours that you grew up with and knew the parent fairly well. I don't think a card is "too much" and it will never be bad etiquette to send one. I mean, when in doubt, acknowledging their loss is the right thing to do.
I think a card
I think a card is always appropriate like ESMOD said. Nothing terribly religious unless you know for sure that they are of a particular faith but something sympathetic and a brief handwritten "We were so sorry to hear of your loss. Please know that we are here for you." or something similar. If you were closer to him or if it a person that is going to make a major daily impact in their lives then more accordingly from a personal call up to delivery of meals. It all depends on the degree of breavement.
I can tell you for sure as someone who has had an unusual amount of loss that the absolute worst thing is silence. People don't know what to say so they often say nothing. That hurts so much! With the exception of "Yippee, I am so happy that they are dead!" there is no wrong thing to say. Just saying something is what counts.
I am leaning towards the card
I am leaning towards the card route. I did text him this morning, knowing he wouldn't be able to take a call, to send my condolences. Flowers just seem a bit overkill (no pun intended). Maybe if it were a parent where my friend could take the flowers or thing home themselves. But since it will go with his grandmother and/or parents, it seems odd.
I'm a Millenial, and etiquette is rarely talked about in regards to death.
I'm Gen-X
I'm Gen-X and we didn't either. Most of us have lost our grandparents and are in the process of losing our parents. Some of us have lost spouses and children. People as a rule are awkward and uncomfortable around death. But what is universal is that the grieving remember who was able to overcome their discomfort enough to show that they cared.
Do whatever you think is
Do whatever you think is right and will not make it awkward when you see him next. Etiquette is about removing that awkwardness, not to put pressure on anyone.
I think a card is appropriate
I think a card is appropriate - you want your friend to know you're thinking of him.
I think the card is a good
I think the card is a good idea. When my grandma died a couple of weeks ago my mom got a lot of cards from friends and colleagues and it meant something to her.
My friends came to the wake for me, but we're very close. I wouldn't go to a service if I wasn't close to someone.
Card, or even, nowadays -
Card, or even, nowadays - comment on the online obituary. My father died in 2017 and we really enjoyed all of the comments on his obituary, they were very meaningful to us. Even people who just said they were sorry for the loss.
I was actually surprised at how many cards I got because I don't tend to do anything beyond an "I'm sorry", unless I know them well enough to go to the calling hours/funeral.
Send a card. you could offer
Send a card. you could offer a casserole dish?
Check the obituary for memorials
Also, check the obituary--many families specify "memorials to" Alzheimers research or Childrens Cancer Research Fund or whatever. Either you can slip a few dollars in a card, send a check or even go online to make a donation in the deceased person's name. The family then gets a card from the foundation letting them know a donation was recieved from you.
Unfortunately, I've been to too many funerals lately--many young people. Here in the midwest, funerals are typically casual, a visitation, and a service followed by a luncheon or light supper. Or a 'celebration of life', depending on the age and how they died. Go with your gut feelings--I think your friend would like a card or note from you.
A personal note is 10x nicer
A personal note is 10x nicer than a card. Especially when one gets many, many cards and half of them (or more) are duplicates.
This doesn't apply in your situation - but for others I would like to discourage people from stopping by or calling unless you are ABSOLUTELY positive that your presence is needed. When my mother died I almost went crazy with 4 phones ringing and the doorbell ringing every 15 minutes. I know people were well intentioned, but OMG I wanted to scream "Just go away and let me make the plans that I need to make."
I say a card. My cousin just
I say a card. My cousin just passed away end of october/beginning of November in an accident as a lot of you on here know. He was one of my favorite people. He helped me through a lot and I helped him through his messy divorce. It was a REALLY rough time. Plenty of people sent his family cards and flowers. Something that really helped me was my coworkers. They actually put together a card with some cash in it to help me travel home so I could be at his funeral. It meant a LOT to me that they would do that. Even if it hadn't included the cash. The card meant a lot. Being down here meant I was virtually facing most of it alone and away from everyone. It was nice to know I had some support here at work. Especially due to circumstances that you know about as far as my personal life goes.
I'm not saying give money obviously. But I think just a card letting them know you're thinking of them would go a LONG ways. Let them know they have some support coming from your direction if they need it.