help

Janemae's picture

hi there,
I have posted 3 times now and my internet keeps crashing so I lose everything. so I will keep this very brief!

has anyone found effective ways to manage and ease the negative feelings that arise when spoiled SD comes to visit? Jealousy, feeling like you may never fit in or be accepted... (sd also doesn't want me around)

thank you

Janemae's picture

thank you Ann. I forgot to add that she's 17 and has been very jealous that her dad is with me. it's been 14 months. It has definitely improved a lot as we all adjust but still...these things take time and I'm always wondering where solutions lie.

thanks again

Janemae's picture

thank you for your support, encouragement and input, I appreciate you taking the time to share that. It's great advice. I'm having a lot of mixed feelings and confusion about how it could be over time. we shall see....

BethAnne's picture

It takes time. I was jealous at first of my SD and felt like an outsider.The only difference was that she was 4 at the time. I knew it was wrong to be jealous of a 4 year old, but that didn't stop my feelings. Luckily for me 4 year olds are a lot more accepting of new people in their lives than 17 year olds, but it still took me time to adjust and feel like part of a family. I also mentioned my feelings to my husband, saying that I knew that it was irrational to be jealous of a young child like that but that was how I felt, and he adjusted his behavior a little to help me cope, so he would make sure to be affectionate in small ways to me even when she was around.

For you, I would let your SO know and ask him to try not to change his behavior towards you too much around your SD because it makes you feel left out. If SD has been jealous he has most likely been catering to that and acting differently when she is around. I am not sure however, with a 17 year old on the cusp of leaving home if you will ever really feel like a "family" with your SD and SO, so striving to feel like you fit in with them might not be realistic. I would more aim to feel comfortable when it is the 3 of you.

The other thing that might help the two of you is if all 3 of you sit down and dad states that you are his girlfriend/wife and that is how things are going to stay as you make him happy and that he has plenty of room in his heart for you as well as his SD.

Janemae's picture

thank you both. I'm very confused at this point with the situation in my relationship...I can no longer decipher what is my own insecurity versus am I really being faced with a situation that may never improve....(how he handles it, how she wants to only be with him when I'm not around etc etc...) it's complex, as these combinations of people always are.