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the jealousy and anxiety

Janemae's picture

does anyone have any resources or good websites that have helpful tips on dealing with the awful feelings of having daddy's little girl in our home? she's 17 and has held nothing back re: showing she doesn't want me around and daddy treats her like she's 5.

ybarra357's picture

Why would you want to deal with this? I've read your past blogs OP, and your SO has made it clear - he doesn't want anything to do with you while his daughter is around - that speaks volumes. Is this how you want to live your life?

Janemae's picture

hi Ybarra,
that original post was I think in February. We have since been doing couples therapy and he's in individual therapy. He has made huge changes and worked hard on it too. It's much better than it was back then. Our relationship has many strong points. She comes to visit every month or less.

My post today is specific to the emotions that arise for women in our position in these triangles. Even as the situation improves, we still have a lot of feelings to work through. I don't believe that means I should end it with him as he's a really loving guy and has many strengths and characteristics that aren't too easy to find in a man. I'm 50 years old and have been in enough relationships to know when I have a good man or otherwise...

I've read many women on here who have strong relationships yet there are issues. Those women have learned great things that I feel they can share.

As you probably know, we don't post all the healing and growing and improvements that we experience, as much as we do the difficulties we still have.

ybarra357's picture

No actually it was in April and I stand by what I said above. You shouldn't have to deal with jealousy and anxiety in this relationship. I'm about the same age as you and it has nothing to do with anything. If you SO is so loving - what's the problem?

Janemae's picture

ps. I realize I said this morning that "he treats her like a 5 year old", so yea that makes it sound impossible, but I'm in the throes of recovering from her visit so I wasn't going to sit and write a list of all the good things we have happening. I simply was reaching out to hear things that have helped others while they work on it all. I don't know if this is what I want for my life - and that is why I'm here and learning and doing my own self growth as well as couples therapy...ongoing process.

Janemae's picture

so, I'm the only woman on this site who deals with the emotions of jealousy? I do not have anxiety in our relationship in general, I have anxiety about her visits.

ok, so it was April. It's now October and we are in therapy to find better ways to blend our families.

well, um thanks for the support.

SO IS a very loving man, his daughter and her manipulation is the problem. But these exchanges aren't feeling very compassionate or supportive as I was asking for suggestions, nothing else.

If anyone else on the site has found any books/sites/skills that help ease the discomforts of SD visits, I'd love to hear from you.

(I have been reading that many women hide in their bedrooms, they drink, they go out shopping etc etc..I know I'm not the only person who struggles with a SD.

I only mentioned my age as I do think life experience is relevant in life actually...we learn and grow and are not naïve, we have our eyes wide open. That, I think is relevant to knowing whether you're in a situation that is workable and has many strong points or if it is unhealthy.

Janemae's picture

we don't have to keep going back and forth here, I was looking for women who may want to share what has worked for them when SD comes to visit - ways that ease the stress and emotions that arise. That's all I'd like to discuss.

Janemae's picture

hi, I was referring to her behavior earlier this year. she is very spoiled and the divorce is still very recent so they are (we are) all adjusting to the new life.
He has set many boundaries with her and she has changed, often times we get along it just remains uncomfortable as she'd rather have her dad to herself as most teen girls would.

I guess I need to be very careful in what I say when I'm asking a question...I was in a more of an emotional state than usual when I posted.

it's the discomfort that I am looking for suggestions for....he does a LOT to ease that as its awkward for all of us and I want to work on my own part - my own feelings, both with him and individually.

Janemae's picture

she does nothing directly now that I find disrespectful, she has stopped saying to her dad "why does she have to be here"? because her dad told her I AM here and she needs to accept and respect that, so she too is working on it. I am looking for tools to help me with the negative emotions I feel towards her.

IslandGal's picture

I had the same issues in trying to deal with SD who was 11 when I started dating her Dad. She had the same possessive attitude and has an extremely nasty attitude towards him now because of his relationship. His Son, who is 1 year younger, is more accepting as his loves his Father unconditionally and doesn't try to manipulate him in any way.

It got so bad after a year, that we almost broke up, so we went to see a counselor who specialized in blended families. She was the one who helped my SO see the light when it came to the way he dealt with her.

The Counselor had 17 years experience working with blended families and she explained it to SO that he was keeping himself and SD in the core of our relationship and kept me in an outer layer. She told him that he needed to stop treating her as his equal and start treating her as his daughter. SD was used to calling the shots in the household and rebelled when I came along. Sadly, SD's attitude worsened and BM sided with her.

SD's attitude is pretty pathetic and we have given up trying to communicate with her. It has hurt SO but he has realised that without BM's support, there is nothing we can do.

In your case - from what I can understand, your hubby is the only one who can change SD's attitude. He has to show her that YOU and HE are a united front and she is the child and should act accordingly. You need him to be with you on this 100%, otherwise, your relationship will continue to have problems.

Your only other option would be to entirely disengage from SD. Have nothing whatsoever to do with her and treat her as a visitor in your home. Be polite and casual, but that's it. I really hope your husband wakes up and puts you as his #1 priority in his life, and treats you accordingly.