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any advice re: 16 year old?

Janemae's picture

hi all,
I've been with my man for 8 months. his daughter (16) hates me and has made that very clear. She told her dad this week that she refuses to come down to visit if I am around or if he has contact with me. She said if you have to have her around and be in touch with her (via text) then I'm not coming to visit. ugh. in the past she has announced she's coming down and plans would all change but he quickly learned that's not an option....cancelling on me cos she decides to come down. she lives about an hour away and comes down every other weekend. anyone have advice? she told him very clearly that she's not willing to share his attention with me. and why do I need to "tag-along" clearly I wont be hanging out with them and we are working on ways to get her to adjust and accept that he and I plan on building a life together.

he did tell her it's not realistic to expect him to have zero contact with me when she's here and that we will eventually be moving in together so ....

I'm very thankful to have found this board. I have a lot of negative feelings towards this young woman and it has helped a LOT to know I'm not alone.

IslandGal's picture

Ignore the li'l attention seeker and focus on your relationship with SO. Only he can stop this and he needs to get her to cut it out now.

One thing he can make clear to her is that she is not the one who picks who he has a relationship with. She can respect his choice and learn to accept it - and even if she refuses, she still needs to respect you. She can treat you like she does her teacher - without a toxic attitude.

By refusing to accept you - she is spitting on his choice for a partner. Wonder how she'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and her dad refused to have anything to do with her boyfriend..bet she'd be quick smart in changing her attitude then.

Rags's picture

I tend to be a a full contact full confrontation guy when it comes to the blended family opposition. My job is to develop and support my relationship with my bride, have her back as she has mine, and to raise our son (my SS) as a team. We accomplished the raising of the skid in spite of and to the great frustration of the shallow and polluted sperm clan end of his gene pool.

SS learned clearly and early that attempting to interfere in our marriage was a very poor and painful decision so we had little of that crap during his teens. Don't get me wrong. Teen boy brain farts were prevelent and painful for all three of us but his mom and I were a unified team, we both would not abide anything but our marriage and each other being our sole priorty, and SS knew that he was our top marrital responsibility.

Your SD-16 needs the same clarity. She is the primary responsibility for her father and in the event of a marriage or commited long term relationship between you and her father she will be your primary responsibility too. At least until she turns 18. However, she will never be the priority that the relationship between you and your SO is. Nor should she be.

Deliver the clarity to SD-16 and have some fun doing it. Experience and treachery will beat youthful zeal and inexperience every time. }:)

ChiefGrownup's picture

Why is this girl "deciding" when to come down? How is it up to her? Dad needs to enforce his visitation and let girlie know she is not only not in charge of his life she is not in charge of her own either. She is not in charge of her own life because she's a ding-danged minor and Dad is the authority in her life and Mom cannot unilaterally decide to keep kid from dad.

So I would be leery of this man, actually. This is evidence he already has allowed that kid way too much power. It will be hard for him to break this dynamic. It's nice that he's trying but I would be very cautious. At this point you have no idea how hideous it is to have a stepchild who wields way too much authority. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg right now.