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He wants his kids 50/50.

So-Lost's picture

I am 3 months pregnant. My fiancé has a boy, 3, and a girl, 9. 

They are not terrible kids. The girl is declining attitude problems quickly however. Terrible eating habits for both of them. The boy  screams sometimes and it cuts right through me. 

I spend most of my time avoiding the kids when they are over. I just never liked them. I don't have any desire to bond with them. When we first started dating his ex was pregnant with the boy. She had cheated on him. He swore it wasn't his. Turns out it was. I never anticipated having two step kids in this relationship. I have a lot of resentment for the boy. 

Fiancé is beginning a battle with his ex for 50/50. I know that a lot of the babysitting and driving around (we live about half an hour from their school) will land on me. And I don't want it. 

when Covid hit we actually got stuck with his kids for 3 months straight. I was in a bad spot mentally struggling with depression and ended up developing panic disorder where I get the least over whelmed and I start hyperventilating. I will 100% say his kids are the ones that put me there. 

We are currently living in a 2 bedroom apartment with my parents while we build our house  (in the middle of nowhere about 45 min away from the kids school). 

I don't think I can mentally handle his kids 50/50. Especially with a new baby. 

I don't know what to do. 

tog redux's picture

Have you told him you aren't up for this? Did he say too bad, I'm doing it anyway?  If so, then time to go. 

If you haven't told him, then that's where you start. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Time to be upfront and let him know that if he's going for 50/50 with the assumption that you'll be the caretaker and driver for his kids to school with a brand new baby, he's misinformed.

Unless he has ASKED you and you've AGREED, he should assume he will be 100% responsible for his kids during his visitation.

Winterglow's picture

"I know that a lot of the babysitting and driving around (we live about half an hour from their school) will land on me. And I don't want it. "

Ask him who is going to be doing all of that running around when he isn't there because it sure as heck won't be you. Do not beat about the bush with these things - be blunt. If he objects, remind him whose responsibility they are (hint: they have two parents and you are neither). And why is he not disciplining his children? Why is he letting them run feral? Why isn't he teaching them good table manners? Why, oh why is he not parenting? What is the point in going for 50-50 if he won't bother himself to be a proper parent?

Winterglow's picture

I've just read your post again. You're living with your parents in a two-bedroom flat, right? How on EARTH did you manage to squeeze two kids in there as well for three months?! How did that happen? Your poor parents ...

ESMOD's picture

Why does he want his kids 50/50?  Is it for more time with them? is it to avoid or reduce CS?

Did he discuss with you this desire and what it would mean for your household and any obligations he will need your help with?

If you haven't yet.  You need to sit down and have an adult discussion about this.  Of course you can understand a parent's desire to want more time with their kids, but you need to understand how it will impact your home.. what are his expectations of YOU to help him.. or not.   What does he envision the living situation being like with his parents.. a pending baby and the kids too.  Is the home you are building large enough to accomodate everyone?  How does he plan to deal with childcare.. could his parents do that for him since you will be busy with a new baby..   Do you work and how will it impact your ability to take care of those responsibilities too?  Listen to what he says.. but have your list of concerns as well.  How did he parent during the 3 months?  If he wasn't effective.. you can say.. that you understand his son is 3 but he doesn't seem to be working on any improvement of behavior and you don't feel it's fair to subject everyone to screaming... what does he plan to do differently?

ndc's picture

This is a very unfortunate situation.  

Why has your fiance decided to seek 50/50 custody at this point?  Was it discussed with you first?  Does your fiance realize that you don't like his children and don't want them around?  If he doesn't, you need to let him know that a custody change does not work for you and you are not able to handle it.  If you were not in the picture, would he be trying to get 50/50 custody?  Is he able to handle the two children on his own?  Does he have the ability to get them to and from school, do pickups and dropoffs, and care for them totally on his own (or with hired help), or is he counting on you to handle a lot of it?  It seems to be pretty common that when a dad gets married or is about to, or gets a live-in girlfriend, that he suddenly wants increased custody - and it's because he now has a woman to handle all that kid stuff for him.  That's not right.  If that's what's going on here, you need to nip it in the bud.  He shouldn't go to the effort or expense of fighting with BM for custody if you're not willing to help him, or if you'll have a mental breakdown if his kids are around more than EOWE.

It sounds like either there is very poor communication between the two of you and you have not been honest about your position on this, or he doesn't care about your feelings.  Neither is good, and the two of you really need a come to Jesus meeting about this, pronto.