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Feeling guilty...but cant stand them. HELP

LonelyStepMommy's picture

So, confession time. I love children. I wanted my own. When i went into this relationship we talked about having our own and getting at least partial custody of his kids. Well, long story short...we have temporary FT custody of his 9 year old son and 11 year old daughter. Both autistic WHICH is NOT the issue. The issue is i cant STAND them. Granted it is probably not their fault in a sense because of the way they were raised but its getting out of hand and the guilt I feel is horrible. In the begining it was great. I loved being with them, teaching them. But now they are literally out of control and their father says "its okay as long as their happy. Let them have their fun." Lets start with the boy. His attitude is horrible. He is disrespectful, rude, mean, yells constantly, talks about hurting the dogs or his sister. Even hurts the dogs. He lies all the time even about the smallest things that no one should ever lie about! I try to talk to him and show him there is no need to lie. This is a safe home where you can be free to express yourself without punishment or judgment for feeling certain ways. But he enjoys misbehaving. He enjoys lying. He is so consumed in seeking attention, it does not matter what kind it is. He is only happy when someone else is unhappy. When you repremand him, he gives a smirk or laughs! He enjoys it and i do not know why. When his father takes away his favorite electronic, he rewards him with another one and food! When i try explaining we cannot reward bad behaviors and obiously talking to him isnt working because he seeks pleasure in that, im the bad guy. I dont know anything bc i dont have children of my own. I discussed with his father, now that we see he likes being yelled at, finds enjoyment in watching you get upset, pleases him to ask why why why to keep you going, just stop!m feeding into it! But his dad does not listen. Im standing on the side line watching this little game the child plays and wins. He even allows him to use siri to answer his school lessons! Says at least he is smart to realize that. Smart to cheat?!?! Save me from that, it makes me crazy. The child is constantly following me. In my bed, the livingroom, kitchen, outside...anywhere. i go to the bathroom he is instantly there! Sometimes i feel as if there is a line being crossed which i have expressed to his father but he seems to think i am being over dramatic. When im in the bathroom, he tries to get in. Opens the door and tries to see in the shower. That is not me making it up. I get that his mom was horrible and gave no attention. Thats why i try so hard to teach and nurture them as a mom would. But its just too much. They make constant messes. They have no boundries. They have no responsibilites. They drink tons of sugar in a sippy cup at bed time!!!!! And the eating! Constant food intake. Food this food that. Every 15min they are eating eating eating. They are not even teens yet and almost 200lbs! And the dad says its ok!!! I tell him, they need to have breakfast/lunch/dinner and reasonable servings of snacks. But no. The boy sneaks food into the bathroom and throws the wrappers under the sink and its okay. And the girl...she is not disiplined. She has no services in place and when i try to talk about it, im the bad guy. Oh we tried that it didnt work. NO. You tried one thing, lets try again. She gets into my expensive stuff but its ok. She breaks everything in the house but its ok. Puts holes in the walls but its ok. Will literally rip your skin off with her nails until you bleed so she can see and smiles but its ok!!! As long as she is happy right? It makes me crazy!!!! This is not how children should behave! And if they do, you correct bad behaviors! But thats not the case. And their father will sometimes throw out there oh i feel like your tired of my kids. Honestly? Yes. They get away with everything and I hate it. I cant stand it. Im the main supporter. Their mother contributes zip. Im the food provider, clothing, toys, xmas, holidays, everything provider. And im drained. Emotionally wiped out. Since we got them, there is no more talk of another child. In fact, the other day he says to me he hopes im not trying to trick him into having another kid. To entrap him. What?!?! As if i would ever do that!!! That hurt me so deeply. I just saw my dream of my own baby disapate right in front of me. Thats all i ever wanted was my own family. Maybe thats part of the reason i cant stand them as well. It isnt fair to me to have to deal with all of that and give up what i wanted in life. I didnt sign on for...for...this!! But i am too invested to just pick up and leave. Start over after finding someone else. We never spend time together anymore. Hes either watching tv alone or idk what. He never holds me anymore at night. Never even makes dinner like he used to for me after i worked all day because he says hes too focused on their food. Im lonely. Im tired. Im sad and over worked. Stressed out by these children that are completely out of control that he has no issues allowing. Are these feelings wrong? How do I get rid of them? I find myself thinking i wish you would just go away when they make me crazy. That if they did, maybe my dream of our own baby would come back or at least hold my hand or make a damn meal that isnt the same junk they eat over and over again. I have never felt this before in my life and ive been around kids forever! Has anyone else felt this way? How do/have you handled it? 

GrudgingSM's picture

You are not a bad person for wanting exhausting people out of your life. How is your partner making you the main provider but not respecting any of your wish for rules, sanity and even private bathroom time. Just because you've sunk a ton into these kids and this man doesn't mean you shouldn't   Get out. Think about how many years you have left of life and make them happy ones! With someone with no kids or who has decent boundaries!  I don't know why you didn't see the red flags before or why you ignored them, But save yourself. Give this man a timeline to change things or get out.

LonelyStepMommy's picture

I guess I was hung up on the we can fix it if we try fantasy. I grew up with abuse and an awful step parent so I didnt want to be that way with these kids. But the way it is now, i have never met kids that were so...frankly mean and out of control. All children are innocent and deserve to be loved. I figured maybe the neglect from the mother contributed and they needed guidence and attention. But I am starting to think its not the case and i feel so so guilty.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I feel bad for you because it sounds like your situation is making you question your love for kids. 

Your situation is not normal. Your SKs are the product of bad parenting. Autistic or not the way they are being raised poorly and are not being the skills necessary to be successful in life.

LonelyStepMommy's picture

We planned on having our own together but recently, these kids are so out of control he is tired of it even. We fight constantly. Just the other day he accused me of trying to trick him into having another child. It was so random and unexpected, i was shocked. We always talked about having one but when he said that, i knew his mind had changed. Not even he can figure out how to parent these children but he dosent want to listen to my ideas. Or anyones actually. I even told him look, these kids need to have structure and be taught things. What will happen when you cant be there to care for them? They will end up in a group home somewhere. And he got so angry saying I underestimate the kids. Which is not true. Kids need to learn ADLs and IALDs to be independent. But he cant grasp that concept.

ndc's picture

You say you are too invested to up and leave.  You're wrong.  Sometimes you just have to write off a bad investment and move on.  This sounds like one of those instances.  Your relationship with your partner is not good.  You're not getting what you need from the relationship.  You're seeing your dream of a child and family vanish because this man can't be a decent parent to the children he already has.  If it hasn't changed by now, it's not going to change.  Why do you want to stay with a man who does not want to give you the child you want (not that you'd want him as a parent for your child anyway), who accuses you of trying to trick him to get pregnant, and with whom you fight constantly?  If he doesn't spend time with you, doesn't hold you, doesn't value you, why not write him off and find someone who will?  It's not too late, and you're not too invested.  Perhaps it's time to find a good counselor who will help you find yourself and love yourself enough to leave.  Frankly, it sounds like you'd be better off alone, and I'd much rather take a chance on finding love with someone else than staying in this relationship.

tog redux's picture

Wow, what a lousy parent he is! As long as they are "happy", they can do whatever they want? What kind of parenting strategy is that? Sadly neither of them sound particularly happy, because kids need structure and boundaries in order to be happy. They need parents that act like parents, and make them feel safe and secure, and they don't have that in either one of them.

And speaking of happy, you sound miserable. Why are you "too invested", if you are so unhappy and you two don't even have much of a relationship anymore? Face the fear of leaving and find a man who can  be a real parent to YOUR kids.

Miss T's picture

...abusing the dog. Anybody who doesn't realize this is absolutely unforgiveably toxic behavior (that would be DH)  is from Planet Zog.

Get out.

Harry's picture

This relationship is not working.  There nothing you can do be cause your SO is friends with his kids. He is not parenting them.  He taking the easy easy out leaving all the work to you.  
He gaslighting you,  

SteppedOut's picture

You are so "invested" that you will give up having your own children to (not) parent his ferals and live in relative chaos with a partner that manipulates you? 

What exactly do you mean by "invested"? 


Ispofacto's picture

You dodged a bullet not having a child with this man.  You need to get out, before it's too late.


Miss T's picture

.. brood parasites. Unfortunately, I'm not even kidding.

Wikipedia is a good place to start.