Easter Sunday
I've been dating my GF for 6 months now. While dating her, I've also been consistently spending time, both as a group, and one on one, with her three daughters (Ages 14, 12, and 7). Individually, all three have told their mom that they really like me, especially as her friend, but her two older girls are just not so hot on us being romantically involved.
At every turn I have to worry about showing affection around her 2nd oldest, who has a hot temper and isn't afraid to come grab our hands and push them apart in public. I've tried to be patient through all of this, thinking it will get easier in time... and to a large degree it has, but it is still a constant strain on our relationship.
Last weekend my GF and I decided to get engaged. We've set a date of May 2012, and even exchanged (albiet modest) rings. In my mind, this makes us "official". She has yet to tell her parents, her kids, or her ex about our relationship status change. She has said that she doesn't want to rush out to tell the kids yet, because they aren't ready (She and her Ex have been separated for 3.5 years, but only officially divorced for 3 months).
That leads us to my current issue. I'm flying my fiance out to spend the week with me where I live. We're driving back together so that we could spend time with her kids for Easter. Today she told me her oldest "does not want [me] around on Easter". She wants it to be a "family" day with my fiance, her ex, and the 3 girls. When my fiance told me this, I was pretty hurt. In my mind being engaged is tantamount to being family. Of course, in the girls eyes I'm just the BF still.
I'm now feeling quite awkward because I'm effectively driving out 6 hours to potentially be left out of the Easter festivities. When is it appropriate to put the kids wishes first, and when should the grown ups be stern about certain decisions?
--Rob
You need to let your GF know
You need to let your GF know how this makes you feel. It is very important to be upfront and honest w her because things are only going to get more complicated from here on out. If she isn't understanding of your feelings or if she gives you excuses about how you two should be focusing on the kids, think very hard how much you want to stick with this because believe me, it will only get worse!
I understand that the kids need to accept you and that it may be difficult on them, but when will this stop? How long will you have to put your feelings on the back burner to accommodate her kids? I hate the "they're just kids and you are the adult" excuse. Yes you are the adult but that does not make your feelings any less important than theirs and if she has agreed to marry you and you guys have made the decision to become a family, she has to be willing to ACTIVELY make you part of her family.
All I can say is that what ever she does now is an indication of what the rest of your life is going to be like. She will most likely not change and if she is putting her kids and their feelings before yours and your relationship you can pretty much guarantee that your relationship will be like this forever. Best of luck!
The red flags are waving loud
The red flags are waving loud and proud.
Is your future wife actually going to spend Easter with her ex in order to appear to be a family with him?
Also, are you comfortable with her hiding your engagement from her family? I'd be pretty pissed if DH kept our engagement a big secret.
^^^^ Ditto. Absolutely. I
^^^^
Ditto. Absolutely. I wouldn't tolerate being her dirty little secret. Not to mention, what message would it send to her kids, see we're one big happy family one minute and I'm engaged the next? Those kids will hate you because you ruined their happy family .
You need to have a serious
You need to have a serious talk with your fiance. I wouldn't focus on expressing your feelings or anything like that. This is much more serious than feelings and sentimental issues.
She is actively creating a dysfunctional family situation in several ways.
1) It doesn't matter how upset her daughter is about you two being together, she has NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to ever lay a hand on you in a controllng manner. Her grabbing your hands and dragging you apart is completely out of bounds. That behavior should have landed her a$$ in lockdown for the rest of the day.
2) Your fiance may be embarassed about how fast the relationship is moving or some other nonsense, but if this is the decision she's making she needs to stand by it regardless of what her family or her children think. Hiding your engagement is only going to send the message to her family and kids that she is weak and that she does not trust her own decision making skills when it comes to your relationship. Basically, she is setting herself up to get run over by the family/kids and you're going to get run over in process as well.
3) "Family events" should not include your fiance's exhusband, especially if his presence means you cannot attend. If they have maintained enough of a friendship to share holidays, then they have a strong enough co-parenting relationship for her (or him) to include a new spouse or partner. And if the situation is not stable enough for that, then neither of them have any business sharing holidays. It's that simple. As other posters have stated, this situation is setting the girls up to hate you because they will view you as "ruining their family." Your fiance can try to deny this as much as she wants, but she knows it is true, and so does everybody else.
You need to sort through these issues. They're serious. I would not proceed with the relationship until the two of you have come down to some kind of understanding about the messages she is sending to her kids, not to mention her family and ex.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your responses. I'll be having a long and serious talk with my fiance this week. Hopefully we can make some important decisions and changes together.
Do you know what "KISS"
Do you know what "KISS" stands for? I learned the hard way....but it means, "Keep It Simple, Stupid". You keeping your life in stress and unhappiness. WHy? No of the people you write about sound worth it.
Here's the deal, you're going out of your way to find a way to be miserable the rest of your life when with this bunch of loose nuts and bolts. Is that what you want? Do you want some snothead dictating to you what you will and won't do when she's around? She'll play you nice when she wants something. She'll be very hateful when she's mad. Huh?? You want this crap??
Wow..are you really desperate that this woman and her bully rude girls are the only people available to you?
How about some lady that doesn't have the luggage of a misfit family intentionally being hurtful? How about the lady with the sweet personality and gentle style. How about just a decent lady with decent kids. What have you done in life you feel you deserve to be walked all over? Wow, pick yourself up and be a better person expecting a better life.
Hopefully, you can get your money back for the plane ticket. This woman is letting you know right up front that she plans on being with her 3 girls and ex. You're not included. That is your sign to smile and wish her a happy life....then walk out of the doors of misery.