Drained and Hearbroken
My skids are severely unstable and have mercilessly bullied my children, killed my pets, destroyed my possessions and stolen our stuff. They are 13 and twins of 10. Their mother has borderline personality disorder and they take after her. We have tried to help them with counselling, family therapy, psychologists, to absolutely no avail, in fact they are worse. Because of their SEVERE behaviour they are banned from our house. For my husband to see them he will be sleeping over with them at his mother's house every second weekend for 2 nights. I am working full time and I feel completely traumatised that exactly half of all our quality time will be gone now. I am also so distressed that he has chosen to be away from us so often to willingly spend time with people who have done such awful things. I asked him to do once a month full weekend sleepover combined with a once a month day visit with a weekend with me in between. He refused and said if I don't agree he will leave. So I didn't agree and he left to his mother's house. Then this morning I broke after not sleeping all night and told him I will agree to it. He came back but I'm heartbroken and destroyed. I now know he doesnt love us as much as despicable people and it is the most painful thing. I feel brushed off. Also I will be stuck at home taking care of a huge garden and a messy house while he is off having fun rewarding kids for being abusive. To make it worse, my kids view him as a bio dad and treat him far better than his own kids do but he is not affectionate to them and says he can't be. I don't know how to survive this. I also have no friends or family for support because we immigrated and don't know people that well.
This must be extremely
This must be extremely difficult for you.
Do you want to feel the way you do in 5 years?
So he put pressure on you to give in and make his life easier, instead of finding a solution that everyone would be happy with?
If I were you, I would find a solicitor to help you figure out your options. You can come up with plan A and plan B (you don’t have to use them).
You would need to make sure he wouldn’t find out about this though.
Agree.
Agree.
See a laywer. This may not be the right relationship for you.
Please keep in mind, his crazy kids will always affect your life....when adults - legal problems (that your husband will want to help pay for), what if his kids have kids? - he WILL want to spend time with them/and the skids.
Please carefully think about how you want to spend the rest of your life.
I can understand his need to
I can understand his need to see his older kids, and I can see your point of view on this as well. I don't think it's reasonable to expect that he will give up on his kids, and really, he's only away 2 days a month more than you asked him to be. But I can totally see how you have been traumatized by his kids' actions and why you would feel the way you do.
I'm not sure your marriage can last, quite frankly. As the person above me said, these kids won't really be out of your life, EVER, nor will BM, who is likely the driving force behind the kids' actions. She may keep them from seeing DH at all, even at his mother's, if her goal is to try to force him to divorce you.
Sorry, this is really painful. I'd think long and hard about leaving this marriage behind you, but if your kids are his kids, I know that might be very hard to do.
It sounds like you two could
It sounds like you two could benifit from some marriage therapy to help see each other's point of view.
The SK are not going away
You need therapy yourself. To clearly see where your life is heading. And what you want out of life. If this man is the one for you
So you don't love your
So you don't love your stepkids and you're upset he doesn't love your bios as his own? And before you say "well they did xyz..." I'm sure if he were to pop on here he might surprise you with somethings that your kids (or your parenting) do that annoy him as well. I'm not saying you're wrong, in fact if I were you I wouldn't have called him back once he made his choice, but I think acknowledging his choices are coming from a place of parenting (The kind that chooses kids over spouse) and you can accept that and decide if that's who you want to spend your life with or not.
As the others have said,
As the others have said, unfortunately you don't just get to write dysfunctional skids off at 18. They never go away. They will forever be a drain on you. With the psychological problems you described- I would have to suggest seeing a lawyer about what your options are. I would also suggest you see a therapist for yourself.
I don't know if you are financially dependent on your DH but if you are- correct that. If you need to go to school or just need to make career choices to get you where you need to be- do whatever it takes so that when YOU are ready to end it, you are able to.
Your husband isn't your children's replacement father and they need to have a relationship with their own dad. Unless he was abusive to them- you need to find a way to get him back involved so that they aren't looking at your husband as their father.
You also need to understand that your husband is the father of his kids and maintaining a relationship with them is important. He may feel that without him involved, they will get worse and that he thinks he does have a positive influence. He isn't forcing them in be in your home, but he isn't going to walk away from them either. That, to me, is understandable.