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I hate my 11 year old step daughter!

Blueshoe11's picture

ive been married to my husband for almost 3 years, together 4.5. He has 3 kids, by 2 separate moms. 1 is a complete nut case, the other one is just as useless. All the kids live with their moms..the 11 year olds mom is now a lesbian and has a wife. They have always been nice to me, and we seem to get along good. A few months ago her mom called my husband and asked if the 11 year old could come and live with us. My husband and I discussed it and decided it was ok. We were literally in the middle of moving into our new place, and I had hesitation because we weren’t even unpacked yet. The mom lives approx 18 hours away from us and was getting impatient with the 11 year old. We could not travel that week (because we both work) so I had her mom take her to my adult sons house. My son is military and is married. My son then met me halfway with my husbands daughter in tow. I had not seen this child for a year or so because we live in different locations. I was in complete shock when I saw her. She was double if not more, in size than the last time I saw her. I am not dogging her weight, but she is clearly obese now. Her clothes were so large she was dragging them as she walked. Her hair was just a grease flop. And her teeth had not been brushed in god knows how long. My husband still had to work,  so I went to retrieve her by myself.   I immediately  called my husband and told him to prepare himself.  When she got in my car she had a white kitchen trash bag full of Nilla wafers cookies crackers gummy bears so much junk food all of it was junk food.  So at least I understood where the weight is coming from. I was Very confused because she did not look like that the last time we saw her. The whole time I’ve been saving bags of clothing hoping that they would fit her, because she literally came with nothing from her mom.  My husband and I do not make enough money to go on massive shopping spree‘s.  This kid only had Batman pants, and fuzzy Walmart pajama bottoms. She had sandals that were torn and fuzzy slippers.  We drive 10 hours home, And I’m talking to her to try to find out how she’s doing and stuff like that. She immediately tells me that her mommy said that her daddy is going to get her braces in five days no matter what. It was a very off-the-wall comment we weren’t even talking about teeth and I thought it was very bizarre. I informed her that she is not on her dad’s insurance,  And that she would have to wait until we could add her to her dad’s insurance.  But it was the tone that she used with me and I also thought was troubling.  So we get her to our house, my husband and I decide to go buy healthy food, lots of healthy food and that we together would plan her meals, that way we can get her into a healthy eating routine.  We make her breakfast in the morning, I come home every lunch and make her lunch, and we cook dinner every single night. We cook healthy food plenty of healthy food .  Her plate is is full as her fathers.  We soon discovered  has she had eaten an entire tub of sour cream, mayonnaise, and whipped cream, when we were not home.  When we asked her about it she tried to tell us that we bought it at the grocery store empty.  Of course I had to inform her that she is my sixth rodeo, not my first, she said she didn’t care .

So we have to have her in homeschooling due to immigration situation, so we have enrolled her in online schooling. She is supposed to be in sixth grade, but she cannot even do the work of a third grader. She refuses to do her homework,  she will not have a shower, she wants to sleep all day and eat. Now we have had to purchase locks for our refrigerator, we have had to take her tablet away from her because she was posting videos that were really Bizzarre on YouTube. Like she was talking to herself on video, taking video of herself with just a towel on and conditioner in her hair rubbing it in in front of the mirror, it’s really strange and I feel like something mental is going on.

 I feel like I have to lock everything in my bedroom to keep her out of it.  So my husband and I decided that she does have to go back to her moms because of the immigration situation. We called her mom last night and now the mother has moved even farther away, and she will not meet us halfway to pick up this child, and we cannot afford to drive her all the way there. I feel like I have been fighting with my husband every single day since she has been here, I feel unsafe and taken advantage of in my own home.  Feel like everything I own is a free-for-all .I never  know what she is going to steal, she glares at me when her dad is not looking. I feel guilty for not liking her but I actually hate her, I want her to get out of my house and I never want to see her again. I am really feeling guilty that I feel this way about her. I just do not want her there it is to many problems. I feel like her mother created these problems and therefore her mother should be the one that is stuck  dealing with them. I feel like I’m being used as a bank, and I’m really sick of giving up every single thing that I need to make sure that this child has everything she needs. I’m so frustrated, I even threatened my husband that I would leave the home until he  takes her back to her mom.  I know that this kid would’ve had a better life with us, but we were financially cannot do this. We cannot afford $10,000 for immigration fees etc.  on top of all of the heart ache that this child is causing.  Every single day she does nothing that is asked of her, she doesn’t have any chores to do, we literally ask her to do to pieces of paper for homework. Instead she lounge around all day no shower dirty teethCarla and watch his little baby cartoons.  She would eat the entire bag of potatoes if I did not lock them in the cupboard .  Not to mention eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise is disgusting.  But this kid is 11 years old and she weighs over 200 pounds.  I cannot afford to do this any longer,  i’m at the age where I just want peace in my life. My children are grown. I love my husband but I hate his daughter.  


justmakingthebest's picture

Not too sure where you are or what immigration status issues you are having. I don't have the answers but that seems to be the biggest hurdle. You have to get her into school. In the US, children of illegal immigrants go to school.

If you are in another country it might be more difficult. With her in school, hopefully you guys can do what you need to do in order to become legal or for her to become legal. 

ESMOD's picture

this right here.. you are in Oregon... your local public schools will enroll her.  Perhaps if she needs some additional assistance.. the school can help?  Right now, she is uprooted and isolated.  She was just rejected by her mom.. and hasn't gotten a particularly soft landing.  She needs to get on dad's insurance asap.. or at the very least she needs to use whatever insurance her mother had her on in the meantime.

goodwill is a good option for getting her at least a basic wardrobe for very little money.  It is quite likely she has endured some abuse or trauma and this food/weight thing can be a symptom of that.  She needs a load of empathy and support right now.. even though she probably isn't acting like she deserves it.

Blueshoe11's picture

 We were told by legal counsel to not put her into school because that would jeopardize her being able to stay here .   We were told we had to wait 90 days 

notarelative's picture

90 days? Is the lawyer working on an immigration issue? Is your husband not a citizen?

Blueshoe11's picture

my husband is a legal resident

Germie2's picture

I have two kids and they started school two days after we moved in the US, all they asked was an ID or birth certificate and they enrolled them . Try finding out from school district

CLove's picture

What a hateful hurtful mother this child has! And on top of it, this child has no one else but you and DH. And she is probably not very much in love with herself to boot.

If you dont have a lot of money for clothes, perhaps try some resale shops. I regularly haunt the local goodwills and you can find clothing in excellent condition for a fraction of the cost. Like pants instead of $30 plus, go for $14. That should help.

Foodwise, its going to take a lot of effort to de-program her out of the sugar and junk food addiction. Because she is an addict, and sugar-addiction is extremely common, research it - see if there is a way to help get her off the addiction cycle. Perhaps if she was feeling better about herself, she might try to adopt better habits.

I am assuming the country in question is Canada. I do not know what that entails, but what if the mother gives up all rights? Can she have dual citizenship? Keep us posted on that...

With her not doing anything - even with repercussions - nothing makes a difference? We had that with Toxic Feral Eldest. She barely graduated high school, and she would stay in her dirty trashy disgusting room the entire time. She moved out a little after highschool graduation, and just recently moved in with BM, so we know hat she is still working, does not drive, and is still a miserable dirty person. She went no contact with us, and other family members, but Munchkin still has to see her during visitations. 

We were never able to get through to her, and I listened to many shoutfests and suffered through the door being taken off (to shame her into cleaning...didnt work btw, and I had to beg for it to be reinstalled...)

She obviously needs a lot of structure, and a bootcamp type of situation. Perhaps send her to a camp for losing weight, and learning discipline. It does sound like she might have some kind of mental thing going on - have you had her checked out for autism?


Evil3's picture

OK, take a deep breath and accept some virtual hugs from me. I've been there, done that and bought the t-shirt for it, even with the obesity issue. However, in my SKs', especially SD's case, it was a 100% junky diet and no activity. In your SD's case, it's more than that given that she's eating mayo and sour cream. When you say she's eaten it, is it that she's literally eating it or is it that she's using them as condiments on her other foods? If she's literally eating them, then that's disordered eating. She's got a hole in her soul and she's desperate to fill it and numb her agony by eating. She's literally killing herself. Just because she's 11 doesn't mean she doesn't have high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, or even heart disease. Have you taken her for a check-up? My dad was a type 2 diabetic and his wonky bloody sugar causes all kinds of wild and wonderful cravings. It becomes a biological drive and very hard to stop yourself once you start a binge on strange items like you described. My dad ended up killing himself from the result of a food binge, so please take your SD to a pediatrician. Also, let the pediatrician know of your SD's recent history. Pediatricians can help provide a more fulsome treatment plan that will address your SD as a whole person rather than just one thing.

You and your DH need to find your SD's currency. That may be why she's not changing her behaviour when you can't get her to do anything. It could also be physical exhaustion or not knowing how to do something. I'm serious. I have had a lot of experience around kids and sometimes they really don't know how to do something. I used to jokingly sing the clean up song from a Canadian kids' show to teenagers to make them laugh and to do a task with them the first couple of times and they'd learn how and then I could rule that out. My SD was always very low in iron from having a 100% junky diet and she was literally exhausted all the time. After a check up and treatment, I could rule that out and now it's time for some consequences if the kid doesn't "remember" to do what they're required. Also, setting up a schedule. Some kids really thrive on it. My SD is 29 and to this day, relies on a schedule to function. She actually still carries a notebook to write down what she needs to do and when. Schedule in a bathing ritual, whether bath or shower, toothy brushy time, quiet time (reading for 20 minutes), a yoga break, or something. My SD tended to be an anxious child, so I'd schedule quiet book time or stretching time and now my SD is a yogi. LOL! So, teach your SD self care by scheduling in some quiet time or stretch time. Something. Teach her about bubble baths for relaxation. That one will kill two birds with one stone. She'll bathe and at the same time, learn a self-loving option. Maybe get her some cool bath stuff like shower gel for kids or nice hair conditioner. It'll encourage her to bathe and she'll leave your stuff alone.

Is there a family activity you can all join? I've been doing karate for over 30 years and right now we have an overweight family who joined and it's great to see families bond and get into something together. I'm not saying karate, but something that you, your DH and your SD can do. Your SD likely feels disconnected since she's lived in her neglectful BM's household for so long. Also, if you and your DH and showing her care, it may feel foreign to her and she may subconsciously be testing you both by being "vile" (sorry for that choice of word) to test to see if you and your DH are going to go the distance with her.

In the meantime, you take care of you. You schedule some you time, like bubble baths, reading time with a glass of wine, a cup of tea or something that's for you and only you. Even if your SD isn't coming with you for that, she'll see it and you just might teach her what women taking care of themselves looks like. Also, you need it. Tell your DH to spend some one on one time with his DD and you go and do you.

Blueshoe11's picture

 Unfortunately she is eating those strange food items with a spoon like Häagen-Dazs ice cream. It would be different if she was using the mayonnaise to make a sandwich or eating the sour cream with a taco but she is not doing that she is literally going for dairy, I have even found out that she was using my coffee creamer and drinking it like milk and I’m talking about the kind that is heavily flavored like French vanilla. It makes my stomach turn to even think she could drink more than a cup full of that. She also plays with her food and I don’t mean playing with it on a plate with her fork fiddling around on the plate with that she puts food in her mouth and then she smears it around her mouth and she looks around to see if anyone is watching her do that it is so bazaar, also when she eats she sticks  her tongue weigh out and places the food on the back of her tongue I cannot figure out why she is doing these things.  When I bring them up to her or confront her she literally rolled her eyes at me .

ndc's picture

If her mother is willing to take her back and it's just a matter of getting her there, I would beg and borrow to afford it.  It will cost you far more to keep her (financially and otherwise), and 6 months from now mom might refuse to take her.  Do whatever it takes to return her to her mother.

Harry's picture

you DH made that kid and he has responsibilities to her.  You just can not put her in the closet next to old games and have nothing to do with her.  She is a person.  Needs perfessional help ASAP.  You have to understand she part of your family 

Blueshoe11's picture

 I totally agree that he does have responsibilities to her however I am the breadwinner of the family and I feel it’s very unfair that I am the one that is footing the bill for all of this. I have my own children and I also have grandchildren and no one in our family as getting anything extra right now because every single penny is going towards his daughter, his ungrateful brat disrespectful child.  he wanted to have custody of this child when she was a baby and the mom insisted on keeping her because the women in Canada use their children as food stamps because the government gives them free child tax money every single month for having a child. The mother never even wanted this kid, that’s why it’s disturbing to know that this child life has been ruined by a mother who kept her only to get free money from the government. The level of care that this child needs is beyond anything that I can sign up for . Am I husband can’t do it because he doesn’t make that kind of money that it requires for the care of this child. I do understand your point and I I respect your opinion

Harry's picture

To take care of his child.  No it’s not fair to you,  but your DH is the problem. 

fourbrats's picture

like counseling. Why hasn't that happened? I live on the Oregon border and there are plenty of services available including free healthcare if your husband doesn't have the funds for proper counseling. If your husband isn't willing to step up then perhaps the authorities need to get involved instead of shipping her back to her other neglectful parent. 

Blueshoe11's picture

The problem is they will ship her back. And that could create all kinds of issues for her future crossings. Right now she is authorized to be here on a visit, I want to make sure we are following the guidelines while we try and deal with this nightmare.

RiverLark's picture

Is there any chance this child was sexually abused? Because it sounds like there's a lot of warning signs. Gaining weight on purpose to be unappealing, disordered eating in general, you mention "weird" videos. 

She needs help. Don't send her back to her mother, her Mother has failed her. Can you get her some therapy?