You are here

Child or Spouse Comes First?

christinen's picture

I am engaged to a man with a 4 year old daughter. I don’t have any children of my own but do plan on having them after marriage. I am just curious about this- single parents all seem to think alike in that they put their children over everyone & everything else in their lives, even their spouse/marriage. People who are married with children seem to agree that the spouse/marriage is most important. Now I’m not saying children’s basic NEEDS shouldn’t come first, but I do think the WANTS of your spouse should come first (unless it’s something absolutely insane). My fiancé straight up told me no one will ever come before his child. All my single friends who have kids feel the same (maybe the reason they are single?). My mother, however, was married almost 30 years before my dad passed away 2 years ago and she is a strong believer that marriage comes first (and no, I was not neglected or unhappy or any of that). Our couples’ therapist seemed to feel they are equal. The Bible says marriage is above all else. So I am just wondering what other people’s thoughts are on the subject and if a marriage can ever succeed when it is not put first.

beyond pissed-off's picture

Yes - that is the reason that they are single. The "child first" trend is brand new. Never before has a successful culture venerated the least productive and most demanding members of the society. It doesn't work on an economic level and it doesn't work on a household level. My FH is an incredibly intelligent man but even he has drunk the childcentric kool-aid that his wife and every pop psychologist push. It drives me insane!

I swear that if we were in some sort of accident and I had my arm torn off but the skids (3 teenagers) had minor scrapes, he would bandage them up, sooth any upset feelings and give them a lollypop before seeing what he could do for me. Luckily I am extremely good at taking care of myself.

jojo68's picture

amen girl...If I wasn't extremely self sufficient I wouldn't be here...Thank you Mom for not coddling me and raising me to be strong!

K's picture

Wow..."Never allow someone to be your priority when you are only their option"...
These words will become my mantra this year, how pure, how simple and how true.
I love my partner so much but she has told me to love her kids more and then she will love me more. I have been trying so hard but SS8 & SD6 always bring up their BD and say how great he is (although he used to beat BM and the kids all the time). I spent all my savings and every cent that I make on trying to bring up my family but in the eyes of SS & SD I always fall short. BM calls me jealous when I can't handle the kids and the BD always trying to come into my relationship and take back when he states is rightfully his - my partner and her kids. When I get angry and try to stand up for myself stating that I have not and will never beat her and the kids, and state that BD is useless - I get berrated by BM telling me not to disrespect the BD in front of the kids. She always puts the kids first and insists that I do too. I believe that if she would give her all to me then everything else would fall into place - I'm really really trying but feel like I fighting a losing battle. Please help... I love her too much to leave - the tiny bits of love that she gives me just sustains me until the next episode where once again I'm treated as the outsider who has to beg to come back in...

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Agreed 100%

I believe marriage comes first until there is no marriage, as do my parents (who have been married 25 years,) as did my grandparents from both sides (each couple married for over 50, until death did they part.) However, i've known multiple second marriages on tbe rocks or broken up (including a 4th marriage) because one parent puts their 'kids first.' I also k.ow several second marriages where the relationship comes first and they're still going strong and the kids are well adjusted.

My mom put it this way, children will grow up and become autonomous, as we become more and more incapable of caring for ourselves. Who is going to sit up at night with you when you are coughing from the last stages of lung cancer, or spoon feed you when you can't feed yourself anymore, or even just keep you company when everyone else reaches adulthood and leave?

My opinion is that obviously, after a marriage breaks down, the next most important people to you should be your children. But if you are on the road to remarriage, your partner's wishes should take precedence or at the very least be on equal ground, provided like the OP said, it's not unreasonable or insane.

As kids when we were going through a rough financial patch, we were sat down and told we all have to be frugal, which meansno more tv, no more pets, no more toys until we get over it. It did not mean that one parent went behind the other's back and bought crap for us.

Likewise even if one parent disagrees with a discipline set down by the other, the other respected it and talked about it in private. This means us, as kids, and our feelings about a punishment or change (because honestly who likes either of these things?) came second. Like moving or going to a new school. No matter how much we didn't want to, we had to. No fights, no arguments.

We grew up understanding the importance of worki.g at relationships.

Not saying putting kids first is right or wrong, but it is a choice we make and we will reap the consequences they sow. It just so happens that strong marriages most often raise strong children, second or not.

christinen's picture

Neither my fiance or I have ever been through a divorce, but I see your point there. I just remember my mother saying when you have kids, you expect an 18 year responsibility. She said after that, you are no longer responsible for them and she personally had hoped for something like a friendship with her adult children. She said if you neglect your partner during that time, when the kids are gone, you will have nothing left. My parents had a very strong marriage up until my dad died, so I guess that is what I am trying to model my marriage after (obviously it's not working too well). I know things happen, but when I get married, I do EXPECT and HOPE it will last a lifetime. I expect and hope that after ALL children (bio and step) are out of the house, we will still be together and our relationship will still be strong. But I definitely see your point.

christinen's picture

Oh & I don't mean to make it sound like my mother had nothing to do with her kids. She actually stayed home with us until we went to school and always did things with us and was very involved. It was just that we would never be able to come between her and her spouse (my dad).

Disneyfan's picture

Most people share your parent's view.

However, for many of us that changes if we bring a child into the relationship.

Taking a kid on a spending spree when the bills aren't paid is crazy. Using your SO's money to spoil your kid is just sick.

beyond pissed-off's picture

Perhaps that is why they were divorced? My FH's ex-wife put the children ahead of him - period. No babysitters so no date nights, children decided where to go on vacation, children decided what was on tv and where to go to eat, children in bed with them constantly. When he objected she called him selfish and said he was a bad father. After 17 years of coming last, he left. Can't blame him. I would have been out a long time before that!

What is sad - and more than a little surprising - is that he is now turning around and doing much of the same to me. Apparently the lesson of how to be a "good parent" was drilled into his head more than he thought. I am seriously struggling with it. Luckily we only have them EOW and Wednesdays. If it was full-time I don't think I could handle life in Disneyland.

christinen's picture

Sounds exactly like my relationship with my fiance- no date nights, no couple time when SD is around (which is 50% of the time), when we are sitting on the couch together she will literally sit between us, if he comes up to hug/kiss me she will grab his hand & say "MY daddy", she complains about whatever I cook (mind you, this girl is only 4 years old), she constantly interrupts us when we are talking, when we put her to bed she yells for him every few minutes & makes up something she needs just for attention (a drink, use the bathroom, she will even say she wants to show him something). & if I say anything about any of these things, he is QUICK to jump to her defense. No parenting whatsoever. Pure INSANITY. The funny thing is, he swears he's father of the year because his kid has a BLAST at his house :O

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

HRNYC, I think you might be treating it a little too black and white and not reading into the context that I wrote. When I define 'kids come first' I mean to say neglecting or comrpomising your partner's needs at the whim of the children, no matter how irrational they are. And ALWAYS doing that, not just occasionally. For example, the child wants you to take him/her to get ice cream, even though you promised your spouse you'd watch this show he/she wanted to share with you. If this happens once a month or once every two months, whatever, no one is going to make a big deal about it--BUT if things like this (breaking promises/neglecting) happens every day the child is with you, you can bet your partner is going to be PISSED. (i chose two seemingly arbitrary things, ice cream vs. tv to illustrate. They have one major difference though, on the fact that to stay with your partner is to work on/maintain your relationship, and respecting their time as important.)

Marriages, as do all relationships, break up because either one or both partners are not getting what they need our of the relationship. Remember, your spouse doesn't HAVE to stay with you, and if you take advantage of the fact that they are there, you're going to lose them. You'll always be your child's parent, that will not change. but the husband/wife/partner who you decided to spend your time with may very well end up a stranger if you don't maintain your bond and it's unfair to ask them to sacrifice if you aren't willing to.

Yes, people divorce, but that doesn't mean it's healthy to think that oh, because I will sooner or later divorxe this spouse too, I should not make them my priority. Not asking for anyone to say which come first but it should, at the VERY least, be equal.

christinen's picture

not2sureimsanea- I LOVE THIS- "your spouse doesn't HAVE to stay with you, but you'll always be your child's parent". I should not even be engaged and scared to death to marry the person I said I would marry. Should not even BE in this position! Why do we do this to ourselves??

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Haha, i'm not too sure. Maybe we're a very fatal species. Like moths to a flame?

The only thing I can say for this is to look at the situation as it is, not what you think it is or will be. Ask yourself what you fear, is it something that is already happening or something you THINK is going to happen but hasn't occured yet nor given any indication to occur?

A broken promise is a broken promise, neglect is neglect, I don't care what the reason for doing so is, and unless it is life and death, I will not excuse it. I will not think 'he will change once we're married' because what on earth is a little piece of paper going to do to change his mindset? Marriage is a pact made up in our minds, nothing fundamental changes in the way we interact or treat our spouse (unless it's arranged, and even then) so why should the level of respect change?

so many people go into relationships thinking it's temporary,and that it's going to end, so they don't put the amount of care and responsibility they should into it, because why bother? Not going to be with this person anyway.

We don't realize that by doing so we are fulfilling our own prophesy. We think it's not gonna last so we don't care but because we don't care it's not going to last. What the hell is wrong with us?

christinen's picture

not2sureimsanea- I guess I am just afraid it is going to be like this forever, which is most likely the case. I don't LIKE the way things are. Plus, I've been doing a lot of reading and found out that 72% of marriages where 1 person already has a child end in divorce. I don't want to be divorced, but we already have all the "symptoms" if you will- the fact he has a child, the fact he has financial problems, and the fact that all my family and friends think he is wrong for me and treats me like crap. Sad

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Not to mention the fact that his world revolves around a child and he's willing to sacrifice your time and happiness? I think you already know the answer but we always HOPE, and hope is a dangerous thing because it means we will be dissapointed. Remember, being IN LOVE is natural, to actually love someone is habit. In love and to love are two different things. One is a feeling, the other is a verb.

If he doesn't have good habits now, just think how much worse it's going to be when he believes you will be with him forever. Hoping to change someones habits are next to impossible if they don't want to change.

I wish you all the luck--don't ever undermine your own feelings because you deserve to be happy.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I would read Eric Fromme's "The Art of Loving" as a starting point to your quest on finding out what In Love is, and if you still have it.

My take on it is this:

IN LOVE (all caps) is easy, it's a natural feeling (and biological!) you get when you want to be with a person all the time, can't imagine being with out, think about every single moment of every single day, everything is all ponies and roses and nothing can go wrong, want to do everything for and with immediately--and more likely than not, will only last in this capacity until the end of the honeymoon phase.

In Love (capitalized first letters only) is when you still can't imagine being without this other person, you can survive without them but you really don't want to, you have more good days than bad days, you know they have faults but you are more than willing to overlook them, you still do almost everything for them (or want to) but it is beginning to not appeal to you as much, starting to become like work--at this phase, usually the tail end of the honeymoon phase, you'll begin to wonder if this is still called being "in love" because it doesn't seem as intense or passionate as the beginning, because you've already found out almost all you need to know about them and now you are embarking on a journey to new places together and it can become boring if you aren't growing with them anymore.

Love (without the In) is when you still care for them, can imagine life without them but don't want to and would prefer not to, however you know that people have to find their own paths if your roads end up being different and you know you'll wish them the best, even if it's sad, you still have more good days than bad, you still do the essentials for them as that is your responsibility, things about them may annoy you, it may anger you, it may be frustrating, but you can let it blow over or you can talk to them and both of you are willing to work towards a compromise.--sometimes I think at this point, people begin with the whole "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" because they don't realize that this sort of contentment and satisfaction, of going through life with the other person is a blessing in itself, we miss the excitement, the intensity, the rawr-throw-you-on-the-bed, not-sure-if-today-is-our-last-day feeling, and then, if we're not careful, we start taking the other person for granted and build resentment.

From my limited experience of love in this short life, I have found that love goes through cycles of intensity, mediocrity, hibernation, and my parents have found that to be true too. But they always say, if you are not unhappy, and you spend time and work (love as a verb--responsibility) with the other person long enough, you'll fall IN LOVE with eachother again and again over the course of your lives.

Haha, sorry it's long but it's what I've found that works for me.

christinen's picture

I love this! Thank you so much for sharing! I think with my fiance and I, we both love each other but we are just soooo different and I don't know if love is enough to make a relationship work and last forever.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I think Love, as the verb, as the responsibility, is--meaning you take the time to actively listen to each other, care for each other, compromise with each other, help each other, and try to make each happy.

This means respecting and cherishing and nurturing each other's thoughts and feelings--this means you aren't afraid to apologize for behavior you know is wrong and work to improve your situation.

This means both of you grow together, side by side.

Date nights, cooking dinner, saying Thank you and I'm sorry (more than "I Love You), a quick peck on the cheek, a look in each other's eyes, holding hands, waiting when you're walking, taking the time to talk to each other--how can love be gone if these things are appreciated and PRACTICED?

Good practice makes good habits, love should be the best habit there is.

Me and my fiance are very different too--I'm Chinese, he's Caucasian, I'm an entrepreneur, he's a state worker, I'm 22, he's 34, I grew up in an intact household, he grew up with his parents fighting a bitter divorce, I'm the oldest child, he's the youngest and I can go on and on. We don't always agree on the tangible things, but on basic values and morals we are very compatible. We have our moments, and I wonder about still being "In Love" too--but I will say this, we may not always be HAPPY, but we are never truly UNHAPPY. Smile

dledden's picture

hmmmm, considering i'm a single parent to my 2 young sons with no support/involvement from their father, I have to say that they come first for me. I am engaged to a new wonderful man who is going to be their stepfather. BUT, knowing how I feel about ss8, I know he must at least feel half way similar to me about my kids (his skids). So, I feel that i'm the only person who's going to love them as much as I love them (meaning stepdad wont' love them like I do), that I have to make sure they come before anything else.

christinen's picture

Thank you for your responses. I wasn't trying to bash anyone, I just am trying to see things from the other side. This will be a first marriage for both of us though, my fiance was never married to his daughter's mother, so I don't know if that makes any difference or not. It seems to be a game of who was here first.

christinen's picture

HRNYC, I agree with you that when 2 people have children TOGETHER, they are more likely to do what they have to do to make the marriage work and keep the family together. There’s just such a big difference between the way my fiancé is with his daughter (and other single people I know are with their kids) and the way a married couple is. He will choose his kid over me any day, which is fine if I was a random girlfriend but I am going to be his WIFE in 3 months (if I make it that long). We just have completely opposing views on everything. I believe the child’s NEEDS come first (because the parent is responsible for that and the child cannot take care of herself), but I think the partner’s WANTS should come first. To answer your question, fiancé does not have to pay child support because he has joint custody with the mother. It’s also a little different for us because I bring in most of the income to the house, so yes I would most definitely insist on date nights rather than buying SD things she does not need or appreciate.

Beenthere-Hated it's picture

Sad "We just have completly opposing views on everything": Sounds like a GREAT foundation for marriage!

jojo68's picture

I also think there are different ideas of "coming first". My SD11 comes first ex.:

No date nights with just the two of us because SD11 gets mad that she doesn't get to go

All weekends are centered around SD11 and what she wants to do (keep in mind that Sd lives with us 24/7)

SD11 wants (not needs) come before my needs

If I was hurt or ill...SD11 wanting to go to mcDonalds or go buy something at Walmart would come first and DH might check on me when she went to sleep or was out of hearing distance

Allowing SD11 to do whatever she pleases...have company (multiple people at least 3-4 times a week)and I am left to cater to and clean-up after after working 6 days a week.

This is my idea of a kid coming first. I put my son's needs a priority but his wants are on an as need basis. I put my family first and try to prioritize...my husband is my life partner and we are the soul of the family...this is just my opinion.

christinen's picture

jojo68, that is exactly the type of stuff I am talking about. We have SD4 every other week for the full week (50% of the time). When she walks through the door, the world stops. We never go out or have any alone time when she is there. She gets whatever she wants from the store even though my fiancé is laid off right now so the money he is spending on her is mostly mine. He chooses to buy her things she does not need instead of paying our bills and our electric AND phones were shut off within the past month because of this. We went to our first counseling session last week and the therapist told him he needs to make more “partner time” when SD is there because 7 days straight is a LONG time to spend with a kid, especially a kid who is not yours! I was glad he got to hear that but whether he does anything about it or not is another story.

jojo68's picture

Well yay for your counselor...sometimes a view from the outside looking in is what it takes for someone to see the light.

caregiver1127's picture

Also want to add the parents are the head of the household if they do not take care of themselves then the whole body is sick and the whole family dynamic suffers. In my relationship with DH we love our children (well I love my DD) but dd and ss know that DH and I love each other first and because of our love and respect for each other both children benefit from us being a united front together!! This did not come easy and it took many years to happen but going in we told each other that while the children will be with us for a short amount of time we would be together forever and we do not take that statement lightly!!

christinen's picture

Yes! Another thing the counselor told him is that the best thing he can do for his child is to have a good relationship with his partner! I have heard that before, but was really happy he was able to hear it from a professional. I love that you said while your children will be with you for a short time, your partner will be with you forever. In counseling, my fiance said since SD will not want to be around him in a few years, he wants to spend as much time as possible with her now. I was like are you kidding me?! You understand your kid will move out and have her own family, and you STILL don't see the problem with what you're doing??!! I will be around long after SD!

beyond pissed-off's picture

* stands and applauds loudly for 10 straight minutes *

Then holds up a lighter and yells "Freebird"! How is that for showing my age? Blum 3

youngmama1b1g's picture

lmao Biggrin

forever2's picture

Hi christenin, I hope you have better luck with your guy listening to the counselor than I did. I was thrilled to hear our counselor say exactly the same things to BF that I had been telling him for years...exactly the same things your counselor said. 1. couple time is crucial and he MUST make it a priority. 2. the couple is the sun and the children are planets. The planets can only survive and thrive if the sun is healthy. Nurture the sun and the planets will follow. Soooooooo, a year or so later, there is still no date night with me, although there seem to be plenty of date nights for father and son who are more than happy to leave me bored at home while they go out to dinner and a movie! The son literally is still the sun. The world revolves around his every whim. He wants something and dad drops everything to run to the store to buy it. Vacation? Sure lets ask the kid where he wants to go. Dinner? Sure, lets see where the kid wants to eat. I ask what we are doing over the weekend and BF can't tell me, he has to ask the kid first! We are stuck with skid this New Years weekend. Dad is thrilled. He is beside himself trying to make every second fun for the kid. I suggested going out, just for a few minutes, him and me, for a couples drink or snack.....you can guess how that went over, we wouldn't want the poor child to feel left out would we? ...maybe next year.

christinen's picture

forever2- Thanks. I am definitely not expecting miracles, but I am at my breaking point and counseling was the last thing that I had not tried. If I end up not marrying my fiance, I want to be able to say I did everything in my power to fix things and that I did not just give up. I am sorry you are going through similar things, it is really horrible these men treat their partners this way.

anabihibik's picture

Your marriage is your first priority and your child is your first responsibility. Your marriage, if maintained, will be there after your child flies the coop. I was with a "child first" man and that was hell. I'm married to a man who believes what I believe and it is heaven. Think about it like this, if they were still an intact family, they would put the marriage first (probably). Why is it all the sudden different in other situations? Doesn't the child still need a good example of a healthy adult relationship to learn how to be when they grow up? My SS actually just complained a couple of days ago that he feels less important SOMETIMES. So, y DH asked what sometimes means. Sometimes means when he isn't getting what he wants. DH explained to him that a.) some of these things are just a no, b.) he isn't the only one in the house, c.)you don't always get what you want in life and you just have to deal with it. However, that does not mean SS is not important, but we are a family and have to learn to give and take. Not just take.

Gabriels Mom's picture

I think both have equal importance.

These people who put their kids above all else....who are they going to be living with when those kids grow up and move out...assuming that's their goal. I know that's my goal. I LOVE my son and SS but I want them to grow up and move out, get married (not to psychos)and give me grandchildren!

Anyway back to what I was saying...who will they be living with? Will they be alone because they are divorced because they never bothered to work on their marriage? Or will they be living with a stranger?

anabihibik's picture

On top of that, if his child always comes first, where do your children fall in this pecking order if you have some together?

christinen's picture

I wonder the same thing. I'm sure they will get the crappy end of that stick. His entire family feels sorry for his kid because of the situation she's in when she goes to her mother's house (mother is the stereotypical "baby mama"- not an ex wife, just a gf who got pregnant on purpose to try to trap the guy (obviously it didn't work), on welfare, no job, no education- you get the picture). No one's going to feel sorry for my kid. I have a career, a Master's degree and a house. I'm sure his kid will always be treated better.

Rhyleighblue's picture

Okay, my DH has joint custody of all three of the skids, and is the CP to the oldest; Bubba. Bubba has stated MANY times (both to my DH and to my face) that he HATES me and he plans to always hate me - no matter what happens.

My DH has told him this many times and keeps repeating it (because Bubba doesn't remember things that he doesn't want to remember):

"Rhyleighblue is my WIFE. Someday, you might have a wife or a GF. You will want me to treat her with respect. I am only asking for that same respect from you for my wife. Long after you have grown up and moved out of my house Rhyleighblue will still be here. SHE will the one to take care of me in my old age - not you. SHE will be here to love me and support me - not you."

Just one point of view.

christinen's picture

Rhyleighblue, it must make things a little easier to have your DH on your side! I wish my fiance would see things from that point of view. I feel the same. Your partner is the person you CHOOSE to spend the rest of your life with. Your kids will not be there forever (they will of course be in your life, but they won't grow old with you the way your partner will). Not sure why others have a hard time comprehending that. In my case, I think my fiance feels like his kid was there first so she comes first. My mom said something that really stuck with me- "it shouldn't be about who was there first; it should be about who will be there last." & that is coming from a woman who was happily married for 30 years (with 2 kids) until death did them part!

Aeron's picture

Christinen, you might want to reassess what you're agreeing to here. He's telling you that his daughter will always be first, and he's showing you this is true by using Your money to pay for His kid at the cost of neglecting your bills? I'm curious what it is about this relationship makes you want to marry this man.

The marriage should be the top priority - stability is good for kids and having a good role model for what a healthy relationship should be is doubly important for girls. Does he realize this will be teaching his daughter that if she is ever a stepmom (which becomes more likely all the time) that he is showing her that she should accept a backseat? If he doesn't have a stable relationship, that's not good for his kid either.

I had this conversation with my DH before we even got engaged and he thankfully was on the same page as me - the marriage comes first. He seems to believe more firmly than ever that this is the right way to go, as his daughter has PASed out which would leave 100% alone for all those fun things like scary doctor's appointments and figuring out bills and oh yeah, all the court crap with get pulled into by BM and SD.

Men like this should never get remarried - they're honestly not willing to put in the work it takes to make the marriage succeed and their excuse is always that their kid comes first. And they are definitely the guys that even once his "little girl" is married - he'll still drop everything to run to her when she sneezes. Best of luck.

StubbornEnough's picture

I walked out on Hubby over this last year. I stayed gone for four months. He found out that little miss "comes first" doesn't do his laundry, cook for him,handle his finances, accompany him to work functions, take care of him when he's sick, laugh at his cheesy jokes, and many other things. About a week after moving back in, he got off work one evening, and I asked him what he'd like to do for the weekend. He responded," When I am off work, making you happy is my number one priority, what would YOU like to do?"
Wow, maybe that few months of sniffing dirty shirts to see which one was cleanest worked!
He still caters to Snitchy's every whim, but she doesn't come in between us like she used to anymore.

cant win for losin's picture

I think it doesnt matter what number the marriage, if the heads of the family unit arent strong then the whole thing crumbles. You cant expect to put other things before your marriage and for it to last. This applies for anything, in laws, work, children, friends, drugs, alcohol, etc.....
And i mean in a "deeper" sense of putting things above your marriage. Obviously we have to work, etc....

Roarin1's picture

I think it's more important to put the whole family first. You marry into a situation and should be fully cognizant of that going in. There are times when your S-kids' emotional needs are more important than your own, and any stepparent should expect that to happen occasionally, but the family being happy and healthy as a whole should be the goal of each individual family member. Even if you want to ring your future SD's neck sometimes, remember that she's a bright spot in your FDH's heart.

christinen's picture

Thank you all for the advice and for sharing your stories, it really does help! I told my fiance today that I am going to cancel the wedding we had planned for April. He said ok, do whatever you want, I am done arguing. I think he just doesn't care enough to want to work on our relationship and to fix the issues we have and the issues he has on his own. It's like his way or the highway. He eventually did say that he doesn't want me to cancel the wedding but I mean his actions do not match his words!! He says he wants to marry me and he loves me, yet he treats me like crap!

beyond pissed-off's picture

Do you have anyone that you legitimately can go visit for a week or so? Mother, sister, best friend? Hell, make up someone in crisis if you need to and just go stay at a hotel. Let him see what he is missing when you are gone and he has to shoulder the burden. Make it a last minute crisis gotta pack a bag and run thing so he can't expect you to make any arrangements to make his life easy.

If you cancel the wedding but don't show him what it is like w/ you gone (like it would be if you actually broke up) you really are making no point. Men, especially guilty fathers, generally could care less if you two are married - just so long as you are there playing the part of wifey/mommy/maid. Let him see how it would be if you REALLY got fed up!

christinen's picture

This is a good idea. I stayed with my mom 2 nights in a row last week when we were fighting and when I came home fiance said he hasn't ate in 2 days LOL. Not long ago, I went to visit my best friend who lives about 2 hours away (mother of my 3 Godsons) for the weekend too. When I am away, he is so nice and says he misses me and when I first get back it's like a brand new person! But unfortunately as soon as SD comes back, it's the same old crap all over again. Even when I don't go away though, we are generally good when she is not around. Ughh.

flickaroo's picture

I take this like, "if you try to turn this into a competition between you and my kids, you will lose." It's immature and unhealthy to try to make a parent choose between their kids and their partner, anyway. It reeks of insecurity. It's like teenagers who try to get their bf or gf to prove they love them. So the message is, "if you plan on playing those games, let's not waste any more of our time here, get lost."

A lot of single parents have been through very unhealthy dynamics and even abuse of some kind. I mean, many of these guys would still be married if it were a healthy relationship, right? So someone with that perspective is likely have a reaction like, "no way am I EVER going to let someone else come above my kid!" And actually, I think that statement is correct. SomeONE, shouldn't come above the kids, but it should be the couple, together, as a single entity, that should come above the kids (as long as it is a healthy relationship!!). I don't think anyone in the family can be healthy and happy if the couple isn't healthy and happy. Simple as that.

unsure99's picture

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, putting my son first in my second marriage was one of them. I neglected my husband, he always played second and it cost me that marriage. I'm in a relationship now where I am the one playing second so I guess you could say i'm getting my pay back. But I came out of that relationship with the full understanding that the priorities should go in this order, God, spouse, kids, everything else. The best gift you can give your kids is a happy marriage!!

bestwife's picture

I don't think it is healthy to make a blanket statement that one person ALWAYS comes before another.

Here's an example:
What if your child (age 12 not 2) wants a trip to get that ice cream cone right this minute - but you are supposed to be walking out the door to take your best friend to chemo?

So those of you who say the kid always comes first would have no hesitation in calling your friend and saying "Oh tough just cancel that chemo because snowflake wants to go get ice cream".

I think it is important to teach a child to be kind and considerate of other's feelings. Not to always give in to others - but to at least be aware of how you are affecting them.

jojo68's picture

AGREE! I think that a child should be raised to be kind and considerate of others, although having heart isn't entirely learned...it is a part of your personality. I also think that one should attempt to raise a child that is pleasant to be around and not completely annoying...I still don't understand why my DH raises his daughter in manner that makes her a really hard person to be around.
When you outright tell a kid that they will always come first and you tell your spouse the same thing you are setting up the scenario that the kid thinks that they are bullet proof and gives the spouse the second best feeling and even more resentment towards SK and DH. I can honestly say and God forgive me...I truly resent my SD. I know I shouldn't because it isn't her fault that DH raises her they way he does. The behavior and the denial are pure insanity...I'm completely at a loss.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Adult spouses are supposed to be a team, and they, as a team of parents, are responsible for putting the children's NEEDS first. However, a child's NEEDS and a child's WANTS aren't the same thing. Children need food, clothing, love, and stability. They need structure and guidance. And believe it or not, they need discipline as a part of that. They don't need to be able to undermine one parent to the other, or one spouse to the other, they don't need to be able to play both sides against the middle, and rarely if ever does a child NEED a shopping spree. There are a lot of instances where I see parents putting a child before their spouse in a way that is simply indulgent, which is probably why they are single or remarried.

My marriage is my first priority. It is also my spouses' first priority. Because of that, our kids will not be in divided homes, and we, as parents, come together to make sure their NEEDS are met. And when the children try to twist their wants to look like needs, we parents form a united front, kabosh that crap, and suppport each other.

christinen's picture

Update: Fiance and I had our second counseling session this past Friday. Our counselor stressed to him the importance of making our relationship a priority. Being engaged to me is basically testing out the marriage and right now this is not how I want my marriage to be. I told the counselor about how fiancé flat out told me no one will ever come before his daughter. She didn’t get it either LOL. She said it is generally accepted that the spouse/marriage come first. Fiance doesn’t understand. He said he puts SD first because she is a kid and she needs him more than I do. Grrr Sad

PeanutandSons's picture

I will always put my bio kids best interest first. I have a biological obligation to them, and I feel that trumpet everything. But that being said.... It's not in their best interest to grow up thinkin g the world revolves around them, its not in their best interest to expect everyone around them to drop everything to do what they want.

I think the problem comes in when parents lose sight of the bigger picture, and their purpose as parents. I'm not trying to give my kids whatever they want, I am trying to raise them into well rounded productive members of society. If ever there comes a time that being with my husband and his kids (my kids half siblings) is no longer in their best interest, then I will put my kids first and leave. I put their best interest above my own, so I am damn sure not going to put someone else's above theirs, husband or not.

I constantly see news articles of moms putting the new bf above her kids well being and the bf abused, beats, or kills the kids. And everyone rails against the mom, for not putting her kids first. Obviously that's an expreme example of why putting a relationship above your kids isn't a good idea. Ultimately, your biological children need to be your first priority. But that certainly doesn't mean that the kids are in charge. Those are two different issues.

I can live without a man, but I could not live without my children.

frustrated-mom's picture

My DH and I had a blowout argument over this topic this week. I'm still furious about it and not sure what the future holds for our relationship.

He made it clear in no uncertain terms that his daughter is his #1 priority and told me that the whole reason she has so many problems is that he put her on the backburner while making other things (his job, his marriage, his other kids) his priority.

I really don't know what to do since this is all being encouraged by the family therapist he's seeing.

christinen's picture

Do you go to counseling together? My finace and I started going about a month ago, have been to 2 sessions so far, and our counselor believes the marriage should be the priority. You should try to find a new counselor! On the other hand, even though our counselor is great, I'm not sure it's going to make much difference. She has given us things to try and I have done everything while he has done nothing. Story of my life.