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BM uses sd to manipulate husband into paying for extra things.

kdriley's picture

I am new here...just found this site after 4 years of dealing with a blended family/2nd marriage. I really need advice on this issue. My sd will call my husband and say that her mother will not let her tryout basketball,cheerleading, go on field trips etc... if he doesn't pay for half of it or that she will let her go on a fieldtrip IF he will pay for something else etc... He already pays more child support than is ordered because she signed an affadavit saying she did not work (this is not true but she works for her family so we cannot prove it)...our lawyer advised him not to pay for anything extra and to tell her the extra money each month was for such things but he always pays b/c she threatens not to let my sd do these things if he doesnt!!! is causing ALOT of stress between us. I understand the position he is in,I wouldn't want my child to miss out of these things but it is extortion and he nor I know how to stop it. We end up getting in tit for tat fights b/c he will say well you paid for such and such for your child ( i have 2 sons by my first marriage) but it is not the same. My ex and I have joint physical custody and do not exchange child support so we each pay for whatever they need at our homes and half of everything else. This is driving me crazy and I'm afraid going to cause severe damage to my marriage. BTW...this woman comes from a VERY wealthy family so this is not even money she's a power trip for her!!!

RaeRae's picture

Your husband needs to listen to his attorney. Soon, BM will be filing for extra child support, saying that he CAN afford it, so he SHOULD legally owe it. Your DH needs to pay only what he was ordered to pay. Anything else he feels he must pay, that you are unable to talk him out of, should go straight to SD's activities, not to BM.

kdriley's picture

That is exactly what I have encouraged him to do,tell SD that he gives extra money every month for these things!! She is 13 and very mature, I think she can handle it and understand!! I am not sure why he is reluctant to do so. And I have encouraged him to send the BM a text saying essentially: I give extra $ every month for extracurricular activites and as advised by my attorney I am not paying anything else. PERIOD end of discussion, so don't have SD call and ask and if you don't allow her to do these things it's on YOU!. I don't know why he is reluctant to do THAT either. I agree with your suggestion about separate finances, it looks like that is my only alternative. It saddens me though. Thanks for the reply.

kdriley's picture

@RaeRae....thanks for the reply...I am at my wit's end. We just got through with a year long court deal that the BM kept find ways to postpone(needs a later court date b/c she is going to be out of town to get married(even though she knew the date well in advance and DID not leave town til 2 days later),just got a lawyer,etc....Then when we FINALLY get a hearing an she pulls the "I'm no longer working card" , so the judge awarded a larger amount THEN her lawyer comes back with she wants TEN more dollars a month,REALLY? $10...just to be a smarteleck??? So my husband says FINE if we can leave and get this over with, so to sum it up we pay $45 more a month than what the guidelines say b/c of her claim she isn't working and that is why our lawyer says he should not pay for any extracurricular activities...$540 extra a year should MORE than pay for these things. BUT the problem is BM refuses to let her do these things IF he doesn't I don't know what to do...I guess maybe there isn't anything I can do other than let her keep extorting $ from us and basically taking food out of OUR daughter's mouth(we have a 3 year old). I am getting so bitter and resentful.This woman "doesn't work" but takes multiple vacations,and obviously spends lots of money on her personal upkeep. Meanwhile,we have not had a vacation in 4 years. And the bad part is that she has my SD call to do this (isn't that a form of abuse) so if my husband says no my SD gets mad at HIM!!! AARRGGHH!!!

RaeRae's picture

I understand how you feel I think. We have full custody of DH's four kids (as well as my four). BM 'doesn't work' although she has all the time in the world to, so she was not held in contempt for NOT paying her $241/month for the past 8 months or so. Also, my exh 'doesnt work', so he was ordered to pay only $200/month for our four children. And to top it off, they used MY DH's income as my own, in determining ExH's child support.

Here I am, I don't work, but I'm raising EIGHT kids. And together, my DH and I are ordered to receive only $441 for 8 children, because the bio parents are f'n deadbeats.

I understand your frustration. I wish I could offer advice. Maybe your DH could inform your SD that he HAS given BM extra for these activities...

Unfreakingreal's picture

My DH not only pays 10k a year in CS but just last week I found out that he is also paying for SD10's Karate class. 100.00 a month. I pretty much just looked at him and said "So why are you paying for her Karate? Let me guess BM doesn't have any money even though she has TWO jobs and gets 10k a year in CS?" He said "I told her I'd help her pay for Karate." So I said "Did you get a receipt so that next time she drags your ass back to court for more CS you have proof that you're giving her extra money?" Of course he didn't get a fucking receipt. I just looked at him in sheer disgust. I'm over it, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. I don't care.

Jsmom's picture

Keep saying no....eventually the SD will see through her mom's tactics. You can't be involved or you will be blamed. He has to say no that is what the money I send your mom is for. Sorry....

DH needs to grow a pair here and say no to his daughter...

Auteur's picture

WHAATTT?? Say NO to a BM or SKID???!! Heaven FORBID!!!

That would be TOTALLY out of line with the guilty daddy personna!

And get a RECEIPT??? NO WAY! SOOOOOO the next time BM drags DH back to court for more CS and then DH turns around to complain to SM about it, insert fingers in both ears and repeat:

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (at the same time yelling "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!")

:sick: :sick:

I feel your pain!!

Crush's picture

Wish I could give you some advice I totally know how that is!! My SD10 lives with us and her BM is supposed to pay us child support but she doesn't. On top of not paying child support she never buys my SD anything like clothes or school supplies or even a toothbrush. Here's another example of how she gets out of paying for things- My SD was going to her house for Easter and on the way to take her to the BM's house my husband realized she didn't have a dress with her for church (the BM lives 2hrs away) so he asked the BM if she could take her and buy her a dress. BM said she couldn't because she had already bought her other kids (with her husband) Easter dresses so she guess she'd just have to wear jeans or something. So of course my husband gave her money to take SD to buy a dress. When my SD came home after Easter I asked to see her new dress and she said that her BM had told her to leave it at her place since we don't go to church at our house :jawdrop: