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Blending a family with co-sleepers

Strebor's picture

So my DP wants me to move in with him and his children, issue for me is that he co-sleeps with his 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son and is saying for half the week he has them I would have to sleep in one of the children's unslept in beds as there is just not enough room for us all. I have not yet said anything to him but I have an issue with this as I can't move into a house where I am kicked out of what is supposed to be my bed for half the week. I don't want to appear to be giving him an ultimatum and telling him he cant sleep with his kids and I don't want him feel like he has to chose between us but this is a deal breaker for me. Am I being unreasonable or does anyone have any advice or similar issues? 

Winterglow's picture

At what age does he intend to wean them off sleeping in his bed? I wouldn't move in before that. No ultimatum required, simply decision to wait things out. 

Also, observe his parenting closely. Do his kids get everything they want? Do they do chores? Are they picky eaters? Is he a Disney dad? 

Strebor's picture

Thanks for your response. I don't think there is any time limit on the co-sleeping, just when they don't want to do it anymore! 

the kids are quite spoilt and are very fussy eaters but I think this is more lazy parenting than anything. He does try to get them to eat varied food but he also doesn't stop the non stop snacking of junk food which clearly is not helping. He has joint custody so not quite a Disney dad.


I have a very different parenting style so I try not to get to involved as he is entitled to bring his kids up how he wants to and thing that bother me don't bother him and vice versa, my view is as long as we can work together so we are both happy then that's what's important. I just feel like he is going to take it negatively if I say I don't want to move in and sleep in a child's bed for 50% of the week when I can just stay in my own home and my own bed. 

Winterglow's picture

Honestly, I think I'd prefer to keep my independence than to move into a home where things are diametrically opposed to what I'd do. It's not just about the co-sleeping. If you try to instill any type of normalcy, the kids are going to rebel and could make your life a living hell. What is his ex, the BM, like? I'd keep my own place and continue dating him. 

Whose idea was it for you to move in? His? Is he really pushing this? If he is, ask yourself if there isn't an ulterior motive - like having someone to take the work of parenting off his hands ...

Cover1W's picture

I agree. And his custody type does not eliminate the Disney Dad situation which is most certainly the case here.

I will also bet the lack of boundaries and rules for the kids go much deeper than what the OP sees now and a can of worms is going to open up if she moves in.

I would NOT move in until those kids are safely out of the parental bed AND she can confirm that school, chores, socialization and attitudes are all in check.  Not that I know anything about this....(at least DH didn't co-sleep thank g*d).

Strebor's picture

Sorry if I'm being dumb but can anyone advise what I might be letting myself in for here? 

Winterglow's picture

You could find yourself living in a home where his kids are treated like royalty and you are expected to treat them that way too ("love them like they were your own"). You could find yourself dealing with snotty kids who consider you to be an outsider and treat you as such, being rude, disrespectful, dirty etc. with a daddy who thinks they can do no wrong and that the problem is you ("you hate my kids") any time you comment or express an expectation. You would have no personal space because they consider your bedroom to be theirs too so watch out for your disappearing (or getting broken) belongings. Mealtimes will be pure hell because you'd be expected to produce meals that they like, regardless of the tastes of others nor the cost. And your kids will be watching and observing how partners treat each other ...

I suggest you search for "Disney daddy" on this site. Also, "sleeping with daddy" and  "guilty parenting". Should be quite enlightening. 

Good luck.

Strebor's picture

I also just want to appreciate other views on this before I have a conversation as I appreciate I could be being selfish here

Winterglow's picture

You're not the one I'd consider selfish in this situation ... Do the kids sleep with their mother too?

Strebor's picture

Yes as far as I'm aware the 6 year old definitely sleeps with BM, all their kids have slept in their beds, the older 2 don't anymore, probably more because of lack of room more than anything.

Cover1W's picture

Ah careful with that word "selfish." It's applied to step-mothers frequently when it really means you have personal boundaries and know yourself and what you want.

ESMOD's picture

His kids are old enough at 6 and 8 to be in their own beds at night.  

If he is not interested in moving them into their own rooms.. then you moving in is not an option.. and possibly this relationship is not the right one for you. 

Do NOT move in while he is cosleeping with the kids.

If they need some "adjustment" time.. then he can put a recliner or bed in their room.. where HE can go when they need some extra support. while you would remain in YOUR bed.

No way.. zero way would I agree to be displaced by children in the conjugal bed.

Harry's picture

Is you are going to be second to his kids.  Sleeping with his kids is more important than bed play with you ?  Sleeping with his kids is more important then a dirty night with you. ? In ever arguments the kids are going to win ?  I would not move in untill this is all straightened out.  What I don't think will happen.  Think it's time to have that talk to see if you should cut him loose. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I ddin't read the other responses but let me say this:


100% make this an ultimatum. Do not waiver for even a second on this. Oh lordy... actually, my advice is to dump and run over co-sleeping. I would bet my 401k that he has so many issues with their co-dependent relationship that he really isn't even emotionally available to be dating. You are just the place filler until his little muffins are back in his arms and bed! YUCK!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Do you really need us to tell you this is not normal? Any man who thinks regularly booting you out of the adults' bed to make room for his kids has issues - HUGE issues. It's so odd that I can't believe you're even considering it.

This guy is telling you that you are not his priority, just a warm body to be in his bed when his kids can't be there. Not only is it disrespectful and inappropriate, but it also shows how far gone this guy is that he thinks this is even a viable option for you.

We've had some other members who've grappled with co sleeping issues, but typically it involved their partners not having appropriate boundaries and expecting them, a non- related adult, to sleep with skids. Many of those step situations were dysfunctional in other ways as well. I urge to to read the writing on the wall and not move in with him.

AgedOut's picture

I'd hesitate to jump into moving in if this is a thing because there's is very little as private as your bed. That he expects you to move to a spare bed so he can snuggle his kiddos kind of bothers me. I get co-sleeping. But not to the point of a partner being move to make way for his kids. 

Strebor's picture

Thanks for all your replies, glad I'm not alone with my thoughts on this. We sometimes sleepover with my kids and I sleep in one of the kids beds which I don't mind as a one off and it's been something new for all the kids but my view is that if I move in, that bed is mine and I shouldn't be made to leave it. When I have slept over he has made a comment that he's just happy I'm in the same house as him and I wonder if that's his view generally?


on the parenting I've just thought that he still wipes the 6 and 8 year old bums still which I find absolutely bizzare! I have refused to do it when I've heard them shout finished from the bathroom, absolutely no way I'm ever doing that lol!

StrawberryPie's picture

Girl, you got to RUN!  This is nuts behavior and you know it.  Holy moly.  I thought the co sleeping was bad, and then I read this!

ndc's picture

I'd head for the hills. Your boyfriend is coddling and infantilizing his kids - not good for them and their development and not good for your relationship, and suggesting you move out of your bed for half the week is just outrageous. 

I wouldn't even consider moving in to that situation, and frankly I doubt I'd continue a relationship with a man who parented his kids like this and prioritized sleeping with his school age kids over sleeping with you.

lala-land's picture

OMG....Your BF wipes their bottoms at 6 and 8 years old.  And I thought the co-sleeping was bad.  This is ridiculous and you know it.  I would run like the wind from this guy and leave him and his infantilized children on their own. There are loads of red flags waving around in this situation which likely require professional intervention.

Strebor's picture

Haha yes he does, ridiculous isn't it! Thanks for making me realise it's not me who is the weirdo!