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Bio mom is making me (us) insane...!!! ughhhh..

stepmomsoon's picture

Bio mom split with her hubby of 2 years last August.. he left her because he couldn't stand her kids and her ex husband (my DH).. He flat out told her this..

Well, about 2 months after he left (they hadn't filed for divorce yet) he wants to reconscile.. and bio mom comes to my DH for advice.. (historically speaking her and DH have hated each other and never been on good terms).. yes, this annoyed me, but oh well, it involves the kids mom and their quality of life at her house (which is 50% of the time) so if this helps that, well, I can accept it..

Come to find out.. bio mom's hubby cheated on her when they were dating (for the short 6 months before they got married) and then once again last Spring.. wow! Uh, ok.. not a great guy by anyones standards..

Soooo.. against the advice of DH, she moves this creep back in.. a guy that cheated on her 2 times, left her once, and left her because he couldn't stand her kids..

We even change up the weeks to accomodate her request that she have her kids the weeks he is traveling and out of town.. She wants to work on her marriage without the kids there to distract him.. (yea, WTF, right?)

DH and I roll with it.. then, in December, she tells her oldest son (15) she is thinking about having him move out.. SK15 comes over to our house and is a mess.. (understandably so).. the following day DH gets a text from bio mom wanting to "talk".. again..

Now this time I'm like good grief.. no way. She shouldn't be crying on his shoulder about her relationships.. it's just wrong.. but again, we decide to let her speak so she can give us the scoop.. She claims she "can't get over her hubby's actions and isn't sure if she can forgive him." Then.. nothing. Never kicks him out and in fact wants us to flip the weeks back so they can "build their family".. I put my foot down to this.. the last time we flip flopped the weeks my ex wanted to know why and of course I was honest with him.. he wasn't happy about it, but he complied.. I'm not going through that all over again - don't need him knowing what a looney toones my Dh's ex is..

OMG.. right.. now 6 weeks later.. huge fight ensues with bio and hubby.. she is out with friends and won't come home.. so hubby throws a fit, wakes her sons up in the middle of the night and tells them "get your asses up, you're going to your dads" at 2am for no other reason than he is pissed at their mom.. Luckily their older half sister came home during this and took her to her boyfriends house for the night..

Not one mention of this was made to us - it happened on a Friday and we get the kids back on Sunday for our week.. bio mom didn't call us or anything. She even told the kids not to tell us when they talked to us all weekend.. and if that wasn't bad enough.. her and hubby acted like nothing happened and acted normal all weekend..

Then, on Monday.. another "can we talk" text to DH.. she tells him what happened and both of us are livid. She is "kicking him out" and is done with him.. Well, hell yes, and she would be an IDIOT not to.. That Wednesday she tells her kids he is moving out that weekend and they are divorcing..

He does move out.. and we are all relieved.

Fast forward to last weekend.. her house is very close by and at times we have to pass it in order to go places.. we drive by it Friday night (a night she has the kids) and tah-dah.. hubbys car is in the damn driveway!!! DH and I are like WTF?
Sure enough.. we talk to the kids the following day and bio and hubby went out that evening to "talk about things"..

Then again.. just Tuesday.. I'm driving back from an appointment and his freaking car is there again.. at 9am and it had frost and snow on it so it's obvious he was there overnight..

I tell DH because he needs to know this monster is back over there again.. luckily it is our week with them, so they aren't exposed to his crap.. (yet)

That same day.. another "I gotta talk to you" text from her to DH.. This time I'm livid and so is DH, but again.. it involves the kids well being so we let her talk..

Sure enough.. good ol' hubby wants to work things out and she is thinking about moving him back in.. and she loves him.. and she can't make it financially on her own.. OMG.. I want to scream..

There are two issues here:

1 - the poor kids well being and all this back and forth crap with bio and hubby. He already left her because he doesn't like them. He cheated on her. And verbally abused them in the middle of the night to the point where they had to leave their own home.. (personally I would have called the cops on his ass and he would have spent the night in jail).. This is going to screw with the kids emotionally big time and they are still getting past their parents messy divorce 5 years ago.

2 - bio needs to stop calling my husband for relationship advice. I know some of it falls under the best interest of the kids/co parenting umbrella, but not all of it.. And it's every few weeks she brings the drama to our home.. I'm sick of it.

Anyone have any advice on how to handle this lifetime movie I'm living in..?

oldone's picture

She'll keep calling your DH as long as he keeps talking to her.

You are either okay with that or you put your foot down.

stepmomsoon's picture

I'm ok with it as long as it's in the best interest of the kids.. keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right? (she hates me by the way..)

svillemomof4's picture

The one thing I would do is keep your SK's at your house full time. I know that is asking a lot but they do not need to be with BM now. Not until she figures stuff out. Let DH tell BM and you and DH tell SK's. Your home is the only stability they have and they need you more than ever now.

stepmomsoon's picture

I wish it were that easy.. I know they don't need to be with her, but she won't give them up and we can't afford to go to court - plus both kids are at that "they can decide where they want to live" stage..

BSgoinon's picture

All of this sounds like BM here. From the crazy roller coaster life she has for SS, to calling DH for personal advice. Drives me insane. I am sorry you are giong through this, I really do feel for you.

I have learned to just let DH deal with it however he wants to. When she comes to him for "advice" it gives him the opportunity to tell her what a fuck up he thinks she is, and that is always fun for me Wink

stepmomsoon's picture

It's oh so fun, huh?

DH has been handling it pretty well, I must say.. he sits there and listens to her "blah blah blah" about how much she "loooooveees" this loser and tells her straight up what he thinks she should do.. however, she just does what she wants to anyways.. I seriously suspect that all of her friends have gotten sick of hearing her whine and complain all the time, so she can't call them for advice or a shoulder to cry on.. so he is the only person left..

BSgoinon's picture

It blows. Not fun at all.

BM here has no friends left, mostly because she slept with all of their husbands or boyfriends.

momsome's picture

get those kids out of there nowwwww. Get proof of everything tell your DH to stop talking to her and start texting her so that you have some kind of proof when you go to court. tell me NEVER TALK ON THE PHONE TO HER ONLY EMAIL OR TEXT!!...go to court and get those kids out of there. I am not kidding. She isnt even thinking about her dam kids all she is thinking about is penis. When the hell does sex come before you children. LOL, funny how I put that. But you get the point. she doesn't need to call your DH about her relationships its just her wanting attention that's what you have girlfriends, wine and coffee for. Not your ex, I dont care how much you guys get a long it is a total sign of disrespect to you as the women of the house and your DHs wife. I mean where in the hell is that FINE line between the two god forbid someone passes away in her family. Will it be your DH who's shoulder she cries on, I mean seriously. I consider myself to be a pretty considerate and passive person BUT COME ONNN!!!.....its obvious she isnt thinking about the well being of her children and by allowing her to call your DH about her "ADULT RELATIONSHIP" you see it as you finding out whats going on at her house for your SKs sake.....why bother its obvious she cant handle having a family. Those kids need to be with you and your husband simple as that. Sorry to sound so aggressive and mean but Just think about the kids safety and their happiness and less on her dangerous and unstable lifestyle. Trust me the question will arise one day from the kids "why didnt you get us out of there" what will be your answer?.....good luck and I hope you and your husband get your kids away from her let her live her jerry springer life and move on with yours having the kids and a stable family which is what they need!!!!

stepmomsoon's picture

Believe me, if it were this easy we would have done it already.. I have no issues having them full time and neither does DH. Unfortunately, we have shared parenting and you can't just change it.. you have to battle in court. Not to mention right now financially we are struggling, and have no means to pay 1000's of $$ in attorney and court fees. Also, with them being two teen boys, that's another financial hit that we couldn't just absorb.. food, clothing, transportation to all their sports.. bio mom would have to pay child support and again, that means taking her to court and enforcing it..

Plus, she won't just give them up.. and they boys love and pity her now, so if we try to get them, they will only see it as hurting her more and resent us.. ugh, it's a no win situation.

You are so right.. she shouldn't have them right now. Not until she gets her life back on track - which we just don't see happening for a long time (if ever).. There has been so much damage already done to the poor kids..

svillemomof4's picture

Do you think there is anyway at all that she would be open to it being a temporary thing? Perhaps if DH approched her with a supportive tone, like "I know you are having a real hard time right now and we would just like to help by taking the kids more". Something like that, and he can say its just until she can get things straight with her man. Perhaps she would be open to that and then you wouldn't have to worry about the cost of lawyers.

I really hope things work out for the kids sake, as well as your own sanity!

misSTEP's picture

Fight for full custody. Those kids don't need to be around their mother half time when she can't even figure out her marriage. She is unstable and it is harmful to the children's well-being. Especially when good ole SF is saying the KIDS are the problem.