Another one living the blended family life and feeling miserable
My DH has a 9y son and we had a beautiful baby together this year. When we met, it all started very well (as it always does, doesn't it?). I liked his son and he liked me, until he figured out that there will no longer be week ends where he will have his dad for him alone and decided to skip the politeness with me. Everything started to fall apart since this moment. He started to ignore me (unless I speak to him, or say hello or goodbye first). I understood I was the adult in all these situations, but when I told my fiance that I felt disrespected by being ignored (he only talked to his dad when I am there), he brushed it off and said I had to get over it and to understand that he is a just a child going through hardship, so much so I was the one who has to put in the effort. Everytime he mocked me or ignored me (or talked about me in 3th person while Ì was there) or making remarks knowing it would create tensions, I couldn't say a word because it backfired every single time I tried. I felt anger but could do nothing about it because it always comes down to "why don't you go to therapy" (ironically now I feel I need therapy but not for the reason he thinks of), it was very painful so I cried a lot and felt completely hopeless. Not to mention that it makes me feel like an awful person which made me even more depressed. In between eow, we had a great time together.
My pregnancy was stressful at times because of all of this and I felt guilty about having suicidal thoughts crossing my mind sometimes while carrying our baby. I felt trapped, having regrets to carry a baby who will be an eternal link to this painful situation, which was the worst kind of thoughts I could have at that precious time of life.
Nevertheless, when my son was born, we had a wonderful nesting time just the three of us with my DH. I allowed my SS to meet the baby while we were at the maternity because I wanted to please DH and tried to normalize the relationship with SS . I really put efforts in it, got over my frustrations. One month after birth, my DH booked some vacations for the 4 of us. It went well despite SS sneaky remarks like "why don't we sleep together and she goes sleeping upstairs". Then SS became jealous about not being the center of DH attention and retreated crying in his room, so this night before bedtime, while they were talking together upstairs, I asked DH what was wrong and DH straight told me "that's between me and him, not your business". I replied "if we are trying to create a family, like you wish for, then it is my business too". He yelled at me "he is sad because he has a brother, why don't you understand, it is basic psychology", so I replied that we could simply have a conversation about it, he didn't have to be disoblaging. Next day, we went to a market. As usual, DH bought useless things for SS (and then says he never makes tantrums, but he is completely oblivious of the fact SS doesn't have to since DH parents and himself almost always buy everything SS asks for), then he asked me to pay for our breakfast. While I willingly pick up the checks sometimes, I had a really hard time because:
1. I don't like being asked for what is supposed to be a gift or a kind gesture
2. SS was unappreciative as usual. Most of the time I don't bother because my gestures make DH happy, but because of reason n° 1 and all of the above in general, I was very annoyed this time. Later I realized I just don't want to be asked to spend one penny for SS, that is the hard truth I have to say.
As we left the restaurant, I blew up and screamed it would not hurt anyone to just say thank you because I could not take it anymore. After that we went silent while going back home in the car until DH blew up in turn and said I had an issue with money and a hard time to spend for him (which is not true, but I couldn't tell him the truth in front of SS which was that I didn't want to spend anything for an unappreciative child for whom I haven't unconditional love, even though I bought him many stuffs before).
When we arrived at home, we had a fight again about all this and out of anger he torned the birth announcement cards yelling "is this the family you wanted ? See what I do with this" and then he went out to his parents with SS (I didn't want to follow). I was devastated and called my mother in help because I couldn't stay alone with the baby with all that stress.
The situation is still tense. I just feel doomed and very guilty to have brought a newborn in this mess. I don't know what to do as I don't want a broken home for my son and I don't want an emotionnally insecure home either. I was so relieved when we dropped SS off at his mother's house, but this dreadful feeling of having going too far with words while fighting is still there. I feel SS wants a family with his dad and our son but not me in the picture, and I am afraid they will always make me feel like the third (or fourth wheel in that case) despite all the efforts I tried to make.
Please tell me there is a way it will get better
The first thing that may help
The first thing that may help you figure out where to focus is the fact that when you bought breakfast for the 4 of you.. you were doing a favor for your husband.. Feeding his children is HIS responsibility.. so when you pay for his portion... for his children's meals.. it is a favor for HIM.. and HE should be the one saying thank you. It's also on HIM to model good behavior for his son.. he says thank you.. the boy sees someone expressing gratefulness.. and then his father encourages HIM to say thank you as well.. reinforcing.
I can see the reluctance to tell you his son resented the new baby.; but it is not totally unusal for kids to get their nose out of joint.. it can be more complex in step life because the new kid is with dad full time.. while the step is often living elsewhere most of the time. Jealousy of their dad's time being spent on another kid.
You might want to start forgetting your cash/credit card next time too.. lol.
Thank you for your answer. If
Thank you for your answer. If I told DH that feeding his child is his responsibility, he would most probably say that I am stingy but now I understand I need to do thing only because I want to and not because I want to be the good girl.
DH is well behaved so I don't get why his son expects everyone to clean after him, do not say thank you (but he gets away with it everytime). Apart from that, I think he is a good kid, he cares about his little brother and is easy going most of the time.
He tore up the birth
He tore up the birth announcements for your new baby, took SS, and went to his parents after a fight, leaving you and said baby at home? What a cruel thing to do to a new mother who is struggling.
I would get counseling if i were you. Individual and couples. It will either help you with your marriage or give you the clarity and strength you need to leave.
I know I was deeply hurt by
I know I was deeply hurt by this.
You are absolutely right about counseling. I'll start with the individual part, I am a hopeless optimist and usually do a lot of meditation to change my mind, but I also need someone who can give me feedback and clarity indeed. This forum is part of a therapy because we can find a lot of support and understanding here without any tabou or shame.
You don't need to change your
You don't need to change your mind. You don't need to rationalise yourself out of your feelings, or meditate yourself out of your feelings. You can not heal emotional wounds with logic. You need to tune in to them better and listen to what they're screaming at you, and follow your gut instinct, because it's there to protect you.
Banksi, Logic is for
Banksi, Logic is for addressing problems and solutions. Brilliantly you called that emotional injury is not resolved via logic.
Emotions are the incredible spice to life, they need to be embraced and when they require healing, introspection and embracing those feelings is critical.
I try very hard to separate emotion and feelings from analysis and resolution. I do fully embrace both, just in different ways and at different times.
I guess it is a waffle man brain thing. For women, it is all interconnected. I watched a TED talk awhile ago that coined the waffle brain for men and spaghetti brain for women. For me, the waffle absolutely applies.
Now you understand
Why his first marriage failed. He a jerk. First wife got out of the crazyness . She kinda showing you the road to follow, He is totaling disrespect you. He putting DS above you. Let those two live together. You get out Jail. And start a new normal life. It's not NOT going to get better. Tearing up birth announcements!,,, did he tear up his first child SC birth announcements?? I bet no. Time to tear up marriage
Because she didn't have any
Because she didn't have any job for years (without real searching) and according to him it was a matter of not being able to contribute financially to the couple (and then family life) and she didn't compensate by doing the chores or taking care of the baby (they entrusted SS to a nanny for the week). Of course this is only what I know from his side of the story. They split up when SS was 3yo ( six months after getting married).
She hasn't been involved in another relationship since then.
I wouldn't trust a single
I wouldn't trust a single thing that this man says. Most reasonable people will be able to reflect on their past relationships with points about what worked, what didn't, and how they contributed to the difficulties that led to separation. I see no accountability in his words, and he's badmouthing a person who can't defend herself because she's not present. What a cowardly step from a man who is gutless enough to intimidate a new mom through damaging birth announcement cards that have a huge sentimental value. He did not choose that accidentally- you'll always remember that your baby's birth, a joyous event was wrecked by this loser. Every birthday you're preparing food and drinks for your son, you'll remember that event. This man is an abuser and is showing you what he's got in store for you if you don't submit to him entirely. And even if you do, he'll keep ramping up the abuse. Get out while you can, a year down the line you'll be happy you did.
You're in trouble. There may
You're in trouble. There may be hope but only if your DH is willing to do some things differently. Your DH is right that what SS is feeling is natural and valid, but being overly permissive and allowing SS to be disrespectful isn't the way to deal with it. DH needs some help understanding how to be fair and firm at the same time. It's not an either/or. He can validate his son's feelings and address his insecurities about his place in the family now that there's a new baby, while also teaching him healthier ways to deal with those feelings. I do think that DH should carve out some special time and activities for SS. As another member said, it would be hard for another child to be loving with your dad fulltime while you're not. I suspect that you'd be okay with your DH carving out that time for SS if he was respectful and attentive to you as well. At the end of the day, please don't settle or let your DH off the hook for tearing up the baby announcement. You deserve better.
I completely agree with that.
I completely agree with that. I found it is normal to have some sort of jealousy even if SS is trying really hard to deal with that in a healthy way. We tried to prevent jealousy to happen by validate him as a great big brother. And when SS had this reaction, it was because his father scolded him because he was trying to interfere with the video DH was taking with the baby.
I was just asking what was going on but now I realized we cannot make a real family together and this is the ideal HE cannot deal with for now.
I'm still very hurt by this baby announcement thing.
Tell daddy that you do not care for, cook for, or otherwise
engage lippy rude little shits and if he wants your help in parenting his failed familoy progeny, he puts his foot up the kids butt and corrects the kid;s behavior, or... daddy can be all things to this kid when this kid invades your home. Daddy can cook, clean, do laundry, etc.... then daddy can prioritize his wife and his infant child and the Skid can sit his toxic ass in a corner holding the intersecting walls together with his nose.
Better yet, 9yo is the perfect age for countless sentences, written in an isolate area, with a pen, all in perfect hand writing, perfect spelling, perfect grammar, and perfect punctuation. Thousands of them. Highlighting his poor behavioral choices.
"I will be respectul to the adults in the home at all times while being polite, clean, and speak only when spoken to."
Or something that appropriatly covers his behavioral crap.
If daddy does not cook, the kid does not eat.
Make it so.
Now, when your moron DH tore up your baby announcement you should have immediately stated the process of making him your XH, burrying him in CS for the better part of two decades, re-keyed the locks, and put he and his toxic spawn on the curb while taking maximum steps to protect your own child the the shallow and polluted end of it's gene pool.
Make that so. Now.
Take care of you and your baby. Make sure daddy delivers on his obligations to you and your child.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I know you're right about
I know you're right about protecting my baby from this kind of gesture but I feel so torn apart myself. What is CS ?
CS = Child Support
CS = Child Support
https://www.steptalk.org/faq#a2
The first family and ex will
The first family and ex will always be prioritized. One other reason why I still cannot bring myself to have children (amongst a long list of other reasons)
My dog passed away a few days ago so I havent been straightening up my home and SS14 came around looking for his controller to his gaming console. They spent an entire afternoon looking for it. I finally told them that we would probably find it when the house gets cleaned some time this week and to be patient. I told my husband in private that if it is not found, they can buy a new one. He said but "BM2 doesnt have a job" and i lost it and said "then cashapp her and leave me the f alone as if CS isnt enough". He has not been talking to me afterwards. At night i looked for my dogs leash and harness so I could put them in a box until the ashes are ready. I couldnt find them, i asked to look for them and he couldnt even move from the couch. His only response was "idk, dont ask me again"....I again lost it and cried asking why he puts so much energy to look for a piece of plastic for gaming but not my dead dogs personal items?? He said i was toxic and manipulative. He prioritizes anything related to his children and their wants....tantrums are met with immediate action...sad but I made the choice
I am in a dark dark place but I know where I stand.
There is also another poster whose husband prioritizes the 21 yo SD over the 9yo child he has with her....It will never change because 1st family is the priority to them
I am very sorry for your loss
I am very sorry for your loss and I feel your hurt... You made the right decision, at least you have no ties (even if the only ties we ever have are our own fears). Is this always true that we never get the priority when times get hard ?
Rekey the locks. NOW.
Rekey the locks. NOW.
Put him and his toxic failed family progeny on the curb. This is not a partner, this is an incubus and a mini-incubus. Cut off their supply and put them under the local over pass to starve, cook, and freeze, depending on the season.
Take care of you.
Dump this asshole and his
Dump this asshole and his entire shallow and polluted gene pool and get on with living well.*nea*
That's basically what I meant
That's basically what I meant when I was saying that you can't heal emotional wounds ("I'm terribly unhappy from being constantly mistreated) with logic ("... but I shouldn't be feeling this way..." or "I've already invested too much").
Did I mention, DH booked
Did I mention, DH booked another trip with his friend (a couple and their two kids, 7yo girl and a preteen boy) and the 4 of us ? I said yes to please him but yesterday I've declined because:
1. I didn't choose that trip
2. I only met them once so spending the whole week with people with children I barely know while caring for a newborn is not what I call a peaceful time for holidays. I feel DH didn't take me into consideration when planning all that but when I finally said no to this he understood (even so his first reaction was "it's not nice").
"it's not nice"
"it's not nice"
Seriously? And how "nice" is it to plan a week away for the whole family with friends without so much as asking your wife for her input? You should have been asked what you thought before he started planning. He thinks it's more important to avoid making waves by letting you back out than to ensure that you and his baby taken care of properly.
He's trying to live his life as if he were single again. He doesn't see you as his partner at all.
How did you married a man who ??
One. Did not work for years. Freeloading from his ex. ?? Now treats you like dirt. Dot being proud of his new baby. Playing SS game instead of parenting SS. Telling him what way up is.
That's his ex who didn't work
That's his ex who didn't work for years, sorry if it was not clear... otherwise of course I would have not dated him in the first place
We talked last night. I felt
We talked last night. I felt lots of resentment on his part because he spent all his savings paying for the custody while changing career (renting two flats in two different cities, etc) and I don't have such a hard time changing mine because according to him the fact that we live together benefits me (we contribute in proportion to what we are currently earning) which, still according to him, I didn't acknowledge enough...
Apart from that, Let's be honest, sometimes I just dream SS was not in the picture, or will rarely want to come over when he'll be a teen (and much less after his 18th birthday). But I chose this situation in the first place and it just feels like some karmic self-punishement I try to ease now. I only hope that my mixed feelings are not showing because I don't want to damage a 9y old boy in any way.
I have been in the stepkid shoes and what I can say from that perspective is that I am glad that I was not prioritized over the relationship between my mother and her boyfriend (who is still her boyfriend). She didn't tolerate any disrespectful behavior and her attitude about this contributed to help me standing on my own feet. I didn't expect him to love or even like me, respect was enough and now we all are in very good terms. Just saying.
He is soooo gaslighting you.
Gain clarity in a hurry and get on with your new life adventure with him and his baggage fading into your past.
Stop serving yourself and your young child up on the alter of SParental/blended family martyrdom to this guy and his failed family spawn. I get not wanting to hurt a 9yo. But.. what about you? What about your own child? Your self flagilation on this is way wrong. As much as you do not want a broken or tense home for your own child, minimizing your child's exposure to this ongoing failed family cycle is far more likely than not the most healthy option, for your own child, and for yourself. IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
IMO
"gaslighting" is an understatement.
Some part of me knows you're
Some part of me knows you're right and that I have some martyrdom complex which is not helping me gain clarity, I appreciate your straightforwardness. I'll go see the therapist when she'll back from her holidays, I hope I'll have an honest perspective from her too.
Stop delaying.
Leave now. Leave a month ago.
You must fight for yourself
What happened between DH and his EX is not part of your family dynamics. Him spending his saving does not equal not sending birth announcements. It's not an excuse for not being proud of his new family. DH must understand his old Halpy Family is gone. It went with the divorce.
SS is a snake, he may be feeling bad that his life changed so much. But that between BM and BF not you. Someone DH needs to set SS straight. But he's is not going to do that. He saw and lived his first marriage go south. He did not learn anything from that. He is going to repeat that with you. On,y so much disrespect you can take,
Update: We're going to start
Update: We're going to start couple therapy. I am happy with it, even if it means I will only end up with a therapy for myself.
Today I was triggered again because of finances. We dropped the project of buying a house because we couldn't afford it right now (that's partly because of me changing career and having perhaps some weeks of financial uncertainty ahead). I agreed we should postpone. It was also because he would have to drive SS to school which is an hour drive away. In the meantime, BM decided to add another sport for SS and of course DH couldn't say no.
And next year we will have SS every two weeks which I am so dreading partly because I bet she won't give up the alimony in return (even if that's normally how it works in my country). She has never worked until she has no choice but to get off her ass when they broke up. So that tells me a lot about her mindset. Also DH told me all his friends warned him so much before the divorce, so this also tells me a lot.
And now I just feel that all our big projects will be thrown out of the window because we couldn't afford paying for it.
I felt so angry, I had to scream in my pillow while he was away to make the registration, I know it was out of proportion. This is why I think I need a good therapist to sort all these things out, maybe to help me make the right decision once and for all.
I couldn't help but told DH we will never be able to afford a new home if he says yes to everything BM wants for SS : private school, all his sports, and then what ? Private college and SS flat's and all his expanses ? Perhaps if that kid was brilliant, it would alleviate a bit the pain, but no I just feel that's just a waste of money but anyway... I am ranting.
I then reacted immaturely by putting away the same amount of money for our own newborn, in hope he realized all his expanses have an impact on our projects (or lack thereof). I am so tired to live in this nightmare, and at the same time I do not want to give up because I do think there is some kind of deep trauma burried inside I want to be clear about. Perhaps working on that trauma will give us a chance.
For what it's worth, putting
For what it's worth, putting an equal amount aside for your child is absolutely NOT immature. Great move!
I don't know, that logic
I don't know, this logic feels wrong to me, or at least it feels embedded in trauma regarding the feeling of not being prioritized/abandoned/neglected/fill in the blank (I bet most us have this kind of trauma). Because honestly I trust DH will equally invest in our son's education when the time will come. Ironically he is so fond of our baby that I am the one doing everything to prevent jealousy from SS.
Consider it a way to draw his
Consider it a way to draw his attention to the size of the amounts he's spending. Also, it hurts less in the long run to have a college fund that's constantly earning interest than having to for out large sums out of pocket. Besides, what happens if, when it's your son's turn and, for one reason or another, there is no money for him...?
We talked a lot about it, he
We talked a lot about it, he is a hopeless optimist I guess, but I prefer planning. Now I just make sure our son won't lack anything...
Trust? You need to reread all of your posts and comments before
you think that you can trust this guy.
At all.
Petty? My ass. Far from it actually.
I would give DH the CS schedule in your jurisdiction. Then tell him that beginning immediately he will pay YOU that amount each month as support for your joint child. Then remind him that as an equity life partner to you and the father of your joint child, he will continue to pay for your marital housing, all household/family bills, etc...
When he starts crying, blustering, etc... remind him that beyond CS, HE is in complete control of how much he is sending to BM and spending on SS. Then tell him that in addition to paying you matching CS each month for your joint child, he will pay you a matching amount of any money he provides to BM or SS in addition to the CS and that you will invest that in your child's university fund.
What he pays to his X and for his failed prior family progeny, he owes to his wife and his young child. Regardless of what you earn.
He needs to have his nose firmly scrubbed in the stench of his idiocy with the message that ..... he pulls his head out of his ass, mans up, and instantly becomes and stays your equity life partner and a quality father to his/your young child... or .... he learns to live life with a far larger CS bill and for far longer than if he pulls his head out of his ass.
That he has put you and your child second to his XW and their child, nope.
IMHO of course.
Why. WHY
Are you staying. He has not broken the relationship with his ex. He is still in that relationship. He not ready for a new relationship. You need help. In setting up a family budget. What ever the CO...CS.. is. That s it. No extra money. Unless you both agree on it. No setting up trips with out your input.
You are equal ... and should be treated as so. Unfortunately this is not going to happen.. he to busy kissing BM ass
I read carefully what you
I read carefully what you said. I also had some external feedback from a care professionnal I saw occasionnally. It helps me keeping my eyes open, and not diving into that martyr complex.
Last week end should have been a relaxing week-end. We had booked a massage session in a seaside center (it was a gift from my mother and sister). All of sudden, he yelled at me while driving to the center, telling me he doesn't know how he is going to pay his share for his son's college in the future "because of me". What he was pointing was I'm not contributing enough to the household and daily expenses because as I came back to University to get a new Master degree that would allow me to transition to a new career path, I have a reduced income (but still a decent income which is used in part to pay our living costs) since last year. Yes I had the balls to do that, after working for years in a company where I just did not see any future. Not like his loser ex who had nothing figured out about her life before she decided to get a child from him, because no one else would have made this mistake, and her lonely life is now a testimony of this, and as another testimony SS is sadly a total dunce at school with no taste for effort). I was never the one completely relying on him alone to pay everything (even the nanny while she was not working and staying home doing nothing, as a reminder).
But coming back to the topic, he said that he was unable to save money and I told him "would it get better if we weren't living together ? So you won't have any excuse about these money issues, right ?". I was so glad I did something normal : standing up for myself and not allowing him to brainwash or gaslighting me about where the matter really is (and where it has always been which is his dysfonctionnal way to deal with his ex) : How is it he never discussed that topic with SS other parent (which is not ME but HER for that matter) ? How is it he does not know how his money is managed for that matter and perhaps saved into a - perhaps already existing- saving account for SS ?
I reminded how if we have to part ways, no one, not one of his friends or even his own mom would never speak about me the way they spoke about his ex (in front of me, and with relief he now found a true partner) : that simple fact silenced him immediatly. I felt I won a battle, which is sad because it felt like a "battle", but the first battle was within me : I was no more trying to be perfect and demonstrating I am the best partner he ever had. I knew I was, and that's it, I won't excuse myself anymore for shit I am not responsible.
He is still willing to go to therapy with me but deep down, there's a part of me who is just looking forward to the moment it will materially be possible to live away on my own, and get back my peace of mind. I can see how I won't ever be planning my schedule or any custody schedule around SS and BM schedule. No. He will have to adjust with her AFTER our schedule is set, not the opposite, nope, never again. No more guilt tripping me about how he is unable to set boundaries or have a clear and mature discussion about money plans for the future of SS with that loser BM.
I'm impressed.
I'm impressed. Congratulations on taking your power back! Feels good, doesn't it? I liked how you asked him if he wanted to l ive separately, rather than throwing the D word at him :)
Keep up the good work!
PS - Was he really paying a nanny for his son while his ex was a SAHM? The man has more money than sense ...
Yes, he hid it from me first
Yes, he hid it from me first when I asked about it but no longer tried when he saw I have too much discernment about what's going on. He knows the dysfunction. He also knows that there is still something wrong and that I am not responsible for it.
She was not a stay at home mom, she was more of a couch potatoe according to what he told me (doing no chores, neither searching for a job at least)...
If you leave him, do not be a
If you leave him, do not be a martyr about child support/maintenance. Remember it's for your child.
I know it's upsetting to
I know it's upsetting to think how things may have been with his EX.. what he paid etc.. but you have to do your best to forget that. That is not now. You need to deal with the "NOW" and future. What he did in the past with his EX shouldn't necessarily come into play.
So.. deep breath.. finances.
1. Do you believe you are paying your fair share of the household expenses.. taking into account that you have one (shared) child in the home and he has two.. (his son and your shared child)?
I understand that you going back to school is good for you and it's fine if you agree that he will pay more while you are in school so that you can earn more in the future.
BUT.. if he is paying more for his share of the household expenses... and that is preventing him from saving for his son's education.. it does seem not unreasonable that you would at some point in the future pay more than your share to make up for now.. and he could save THEN.. in the future.
Of course, in the current analysis, are you also providing "free" child care? and saving him money there? make sure that is factored in.
In the end.. if a married couple decides to have one partner go back to school.. and is willing to reduce income in the short term to achieve that goal, the assumption is also that the future improved income is going to benefit not just one partner.. but the joint finances of the family.
I agree about the part where
I agree about the part where our future total income is going to benefit us. I do not agree with the fact that all we will be able to save will go to SS studies first, you see ?
First I would like us to plan the honeymoon we never had, or the house we want to buy. For SS, he had 10 years to discuss this with the other parent (which is - again - not me) and apparently it was never brought up. But is it surprising knowing that she didn't plan anything money wise before having a kid with DH and he allowed that ?
Now, I opened a savings account for our own son, and I am the only one who contributes but that's fine, as long as I do not have to also contribute in one way or another to SS future living expenses.
We are splitting the bills proportionately but we didn't take into account there is another bedroom, or another mouth to feed, or that I buy things the kid lacks because even with an expensive CS, BM does not seem to be able to 1) take him to the doctor 2) buy him a minimum of clothes he needs for basic occasions 3) feed him correctly with a healthy diet 4) take him to the hairdresser once in a while (not to mention the rest).
And of course when we split according to our incomes, we agree to not count his CS. Indirectly I am contributing for a child who is not my own. And the fact that he only brought up his concerns about how he is going to pay for SS studies told me a lot about his priorities. I understand his concerns but it is unfair in so many ways how he puts it on me.
I don't think his son's
I don't think his son's college should be "first" but I think he should be able to save for all of those things.. and if you have joint finances.. technically money in your family budget.. that includes your income could end up earmarked for his son in the future.. because it's something your DH feels is important.
But.. also saving for your joint son's college is important. and your DH should only need to save 1/2 of his son's schooling.. and his BM should be saving the other half.. and maybe she can't.. won't.. or just isn't..
In these situations.. Joint finances become very tricky.
It's better to have clear obligations and if that means that there is some amount of him paying "extra" now.. that you will then reimburse him for later when you are making more? then he can allocate his share of that extra how he sees fit. and if he wants to put some towards his son's college.. that is his choice with his funds. (including funds you give him.. because you are making up for the lesser share you pay now).
In the end, though.. he agreed to your current finance situation. If he doesn't agree that it works out fairly.. then you and he need to talk about what is fair.. if he feels that supporting more cost so you can go to school and then have full decisionon how that new higher salary is spent.. maybe he might think that supporting you going to school isn't worth it.. and he might say..let's go back to splitting bills "equitably"... (with him paying a little more since his has his son there some). and then you can decide whether you can make it with school or not?
Because he could say the same thing.. could you pay your bills and go to school if it were not for his support?
Again.. you are not responsible for his son.. but if your DH is paying more to provide you with a benefit of getting an education.. I can see him wanting to be able to still save some for his child.. so maybe that needs to be worked out?
How is it he never saved
How is it he never saved anything for SS when I was not in the picture ? ...
Plus, we already are joining finances so in some way or another we each benefit one another, not as much as we will when I will have a bigger income, but still DH is paying less than if we lived separately.
My income will benefit my bio son education and marriage first. Anything bonus, I will dispose. Again, SS has two parents.
What your DH did before isn't
What your DH did before isn't the issue.. the issue you are looking at is the "now" and the "future"... and to say that "you will dispose" is unfair to him as he should have a say in how bonus is directed. Yes SS has two parents.. your SO is one of those parents.. so he may want to save for BOTH his kids.. It's fair that he has the opportunty to contribute to your bio and his other bio as well.. It would be unfair in a joint finances situation for you to be the only one allowed to set priorities for any disposable income.
We kept it simple. Any income was marital income.
Though we were the CP household so we did not have the burden of CS.
Regardless, IMHO, all income is household income. If there is a CS obligation that either partner owes to a prior breeding partner, not one Cent more than CS or costs otherwise COd goes to the X. Not one Cent.
When the SKids are in our home, they get the full benefit of household income when they are resident in the household. Otherwise, the CP is paid to provide and care for that kid when the kid is with the CP. It is imperative that the NCP make damned sure that the CP has clarity that the CP is paid accordingly per the CS order. If the CP is toxic the CP is a compensated care resource. Nothing more.
As for contributing to the Univesity studies of a COD.... There should be no free rides. IMHO the kid takes out loans for their first semester. If they meet the expected academic performance standards that the parent sets, the parent should pay off their share of that loan. The kid then takes out loans for the next semester. And so on, and so on, and so on. IMHO, in divorce or no longer together bio parent situations, each parent pays only half of the costs. The other parent should pay the other half. THat way, when a toxic opposition breeder is a deadbeat, the kid should be made fully aware of that fact and the fact that the responsible parent is delivering to their half of the equation.
KISS (Keep it Stupid Simple)
Kids have to earn support by performing to the standards of behavior and standards of performance once that kid reaches the age of majority. Hunger, and shelter are huge motivating influence on a kidult who is failing to deliver to standard. One of the longest weeks of my life was Spring Break of my University Sophomore year. No money, nowhere to stay as the Dorms closed. I did get special permission to remain in the dorm for that week. I survived on 10 packets of Ramen noodles and "tomato soup" made from water and ketchup packets I took from fast food restaurants near campus. My lesson? Don't piss off mom and dad when they are providing you with a University education. I went to work mounting and balancing tires that Spring Break. Unfortutately, pay day was every two weeks so I had to make due until then.
The end of that year marked the end of the mom and dad full meal deal University scholarship. I worked to support myself and I paid for the next 7 years of University studies out of pocket. After my divorce I sold my company and used that to shift from part time to full time when I changed my Major from Econ/Finance to engineering. After the first year of engineering school, I had burned through the proceeds of selling out to my business partners and I started taking out loans. Because of my demonstrated commitment and top academic performance during my first year of Engineering school, mom and dad put me back on the parent's (almost) full meal deal scholarship. I did take out some loans during the last two years of my 11yr Undergrad career. I also worked.
So ultimately mom and dad did cover 4yrs of University for me.
Thanks guys! Love ya!
I have been stranded at mom and dads house for a month when my car was blasted in a massive hail storm two days after I got her for a planned 10 day visit. So, I am doing gardening projects for mom and refinishing a couple of family heirloom furniture pieces made by my mom's great grandfather. I am happy to do it. Doing projects with dad and giving mom a hard time is a great pleasure. My tiny 5'1" mom gives it right back to dad and I. She then kicks us out of the house to go do the grocery shopping.
It is good to have loving parens who will tolerate my presence but who are fully aware that kidults have to feel the pain of their decisions and of their own efforts, or lack of effort. THat is the greatest lesson that a mentally meandering kidult can receive.
IMHO of course.
Make it basic math. You pay
Make it basic math. You pay less than half of household bills. He pays more. Because his failed family progeny invades on some visitation schedule. Considering your new baby, he pays even more since he pays CS to his failed family.
Please do leave and rescue yourself and your child from this shit storm of a shallow and polluted gene pool.
It in all liklihood it will be years before he takes any initiative to spend time with the baby. Get your own CS order and get on with living well.
It is the best revenge.
How is Grad school coming?
You ROCK!
I am so glad that you called him out. He owes SS nothing more than the CS he is COd to pay. If college is not in the CO, then.... DH needs to temper his drive to give SS the full meal deal dad college scholarship. Though from your description of SS, odds are college/Uni is not likely. I would advise that DH firmly guide SS to the Military where he can gain some confidence, experience, and contribute under the hairy eyeballs of experts at training and engaging young people to deliver and perform.
My SS-31 is extremely sharp, always was. He is approaching his 14th service anniversary in the USAF and is only 6.6 years from full Military retirement. He is a viable adult, a man of honor and of character, and a man of standing in his community and profession. He is plucking away at completing his BS in Computer Science. He has completed his ASCS.
For kids like your SS who is not much for effort, and like mine who was not yet interested in University when he finished HS at 17, the Military can be a great option.
God I could have written this !!
I totally empathise. All of these behaviour patterns, manipulation games and unatural dynamics have become my life for the past 7 years and now it's all exploded in my face because, much like you, there is only so much effort you can make. There is only so much room for flexibility and tolerance before resentment kicks in and forms bitterness. It's a minefield: your DH denial, your SS with his bad behaviour, your frustration, sadness -these are all part of my life. Or they were because my OH thinks I should move out to 'simplify' things.
My point is there is no real solution and there never will be. Blended families are so difficult l unless you are a very very laid back kinda person who doesn't really care about anything. Be reassured that you are not alone. I feel for you xx
The fact is, that in the
The fact is, that in the context of your blended marrige, YOU are the victim of your DH's idiot parenting.
child going through hardship... my ass. An entitled lippy evil little shit. Period. Dot.
Stop letting your DH side step his own parental idiocy and the product of his idiocy.
Time to take the zero tolerance total immediate confrontation model with DH and his failed family progeny.
If you do not, you will raise your own child with these two plying their crap.
You do not deserve it and for damned sure your LO doesn't. Sit your DH down with a stack of divorce papers in clear view and inform him that you will not tolerate any disrespectful or behavioral crap from his son, or from him. DH steps up to be your equity life partner and to protect his youngest from the shit that his eldest represents or... he will be on the hook for a fresh nearly 20yr CS order and a limited visitation schedule while you get on with your life and setting a quality example for your child.
meh
Normal people
Don't go years with out a job. Walmart is always hiring. May not be the job he dreams of but it's pays money.