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End of my rope

Sad Mom 444's picture

New mom here. Hi! I'm at the end of my rope. My fiance and I have been together for five years. We are a blended family. I have three bio children (two adult, one 16 who has Aspergers). I have two first cousins that I raised when their mom, my aunt, passed away. He has two bio children (one adult, one 15). Together we are fostering a baby girl (now 2) who we've had since birth and we planned to adopt. 

Surprisingly, the issue is not the children. They have all adjusted and get along quite well. Our kids are respectful to us both. They all adore their new baby sister. 

I get along with my children's fathers. We have next to no contact. My exes are civil with us. His ex-wife is miserable, conniving and enjoys making my life miserable. She tries to ensure her kids don't like me and the kids avoid me when she can see. My fiance's ex and him are hockey parents. She behaves in a childish territorial manner to show me that she was first. I think she believes that she can take my fiance, and their family as it once was, back with the snap of her fingers. This is likely because of my fiance. He does everything she asks, and is still a confidant for her on things outside of the children. Every time I have brought up his continued emeshment with her and her family, he tells me I'm "crazy". He defends her every time I explain what she does to me. We've had numerous issues in the past due to his ex.

Lately, I found that he had been texting an old crush (who recently divorced). He deleted all the messages but two that he didn't realize we still there about the meeting that they arranged. He admitted to deleting the messages. But as always, she's nothing and I'm crazy again. 

Most recently, we were discussing him understanding that we have our own family now and that he should focus on standing with our unit as the primary family instead of with her and her family. He put his foot in his mouth and said that he and his ex are his children's family (as they are all blood). That hurt. I felt that our blended family, even with the new baby was placed second to their blood ties. 

I have stayed home with the new baby while he's continued to spend all his time as hockey dad in the evenings. I have felt lonely and disregarded. I do all the housework and cooking. I feel completely unappreciated. I am frequently hurt by his lack of consideration. And his lack of compassion (did I mention he disappears when things are not happy. He laughs at social media while I cry beside him). I am unsure if he's incapable of compassion but I've never been afforded any for the five years I've been with him. I suffer my hurts that come from this blended family completely alone, every single time.

I called off our wedding (which is in 6 months from now) last night and told him I'm leaving. I felt like I need to start protecting myself from the hurt of the constant up and down.

I guess since it's over, I am just venting. 

 

 

 

Rags's picture

My condolences on the demise of your relationship.  More importantly, congratulations on the start of your new life adventure.  I cannot immagine going forward with a marriage to th is asshole with a baby and all of the complex dynamics in play in this situation.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

hereiam's picture

He is gaslighting you, trying to make you believe that YOU are the crazy one and that everything he is doing is completely normal, that any other woman would love to put up with this crap.

You are doing the right thing by calling off the wedding... and leaving him.

oatsnhoney's picture

Wow, I know you are going through a tough time with the end of the relationship but WOW, you are a super woman! You are going to do great things. I can tell. So glad you have broke free of your crypto night. Go save the world SuperWoman, staring with you!

TrueNorth77's picture

Good for you. I personally know many people who got together with "old crushes", cheated on their spouses, and are now married to their old crush. My ex-bf actually did this- I found an email where he had met up with her, so I broke up with him and they immediately started dating. No good was going to come from this, especially if he's hiding it. Either way, he's not on your side when it matters. I'm sorry this is happening, but glad you had the guts to end it, when many do not. I hope at this time next year you are looking back at this as just a step on the way to real happiness.

RiverLark's picture

He is an ass and you are strong and brave. Congratulations on doing the hard thing that will eventually lead to a happier life for you and your child. 

Sad Mom 444's picture

Thank you all so much for the support! Your comments truly made my day! I was nervous about posting here but I'm so glad I did. Blessings to you all! 

stepfamilies_are_unreal's picture

When he calls you crazy, he is gaslighting you.  That's "crazy-making" behavior.  He is very well aware his ex-wife is a conniving manipulative b****, he just doesn't want you to realize how bad the situation with him truly is.  He realizes how hard it would be to find another girlfriend, because he has a vindictive ex-wife and several children.

I support your decision to leave him and I think you've made the right choice.  Now you can focus on your own children, and he can go scr*w himself.  Now he gets to cook and clean for those kids all by himself.  He dug his own rut by not being willing to work on his relationship with you, now all of his free time, and "hockey dad" lifestyle is probably about to disappear (or at the least be diminished or significantly altered.)