Advice for different expectations
I have heard (and tend to agree with) the notion that "you cannot care more than the bio parent", especially when it comes to school, curfew, dress code etc. We have been able to navigate those differences pretty well in 7 years together. Now we are faced with teenagers (rather than young kiddos) and young adults (rather than teens). Our differences have never been more stark.
DH thinks his girls 20 & 23 are stunted and deserve "more time" to figure things out. One graduated in 2020, had a part time job (quit after 8 mos), she did a quarter at community college (failed all 3 classes) 2 years later...she stays in her room most of the time. The other graduated last year, she had the same part time job as her sister (so they both quit at the same time) she has not tried school, counseling or any other job in a year.
Six months ago I brought up my concerns (and expectations) that our kids can live with us if they are working or attending school (I even added in or "are attending counseling to overcome obstacles to with school/work"). Six months later, nothing. No jobs, no counseling, no schooling. I asked DH what the plan is? And he got so defensive and angry... which I assume is bc he is embarrassed and overwhelmed and disappointed... none of this is on me. That said, I'm not willing to blow up my marriage. I love this man. I also love my SD.
They are polite, they will do anything we ask (except get a job, counseling or school). They participate in family outings and nothing else. They have one friend between the two of them and have voiced their fears and anxiety about next steps.
Now DH says "back off " let me handle this... but he isn't!! He said he is afraid of hurting them or losing them...but apparently not afraid of enabling them.
What (if any) options do I have to get involved???
Stick To What You Heard
Because you CANNOT care more than the bio parents. If your DH is okay letting his adult girls not work or get an education/skill, then that's on him for his two "failures to launch." Let's just hope he lives for a long time and is healthy so he can work to support them. SMH I just don't get it.
The only thing I can think of is you talking with him about how long does he plan for this to go on?? What's the extended time they need to launch? Does he ever see an "empty nest" life with his wife?? Does he not want his girls to be productive human beings? If not, are YOU okay with that, knowing they will be with you guys for many years? And that's the decision you'll have to make for yourself.
I'll say this..to tell you to "back off" and let him handle it when he's clearly not.....that is extremely disrespectful to you as his wife, well knowing this negatively impacts you and your marriage.
Burning platform. Cut off the internet, limit food, and
pile chores on by the 8+ hours per day. Adults who do not work or c ontribute are instantly the live in house keeping, cooking, laundry, chore staff.
They should not be allowed to remain in the house during work hours unless they are "working" in the house.
Pile on the chores, hold DH accountable for THEM and make sure they all three are clear that the status quo will not stand.
That is the burning platform that needs to be built and continuously fueled until they launch.
IMHO of course.
Is there a culturally
Is there a culturally significant thought in play here? It's 2023 and women can and do achieve way more than what you present.
Do you have a right to speak up? I say yes because it's your marriage, your home. Now you do have to take it up with DH. I'd look up the burning platform. I had to do something pretty much like it to dislodge my OBD after she graduated high school. She's now married with 3 boys, homeowner and just passed her Coding test. She just turned 31. I believe your other blog mentioned these girls have nothing they are working on, no college, no life skills, and dad was ok with that. Well you aren't.
What if he refuses to budge on his stance? Are you ready and willing to blow up your marriage over it? Are you willing to accept it as it is and drop it? What kind of compromise could you entertain? You need to have these figured out before you sit down again with DH. This would be my hill to die on personally. I had kids but did not plan on parenting them forever. There's just too much to experience in life! There's a time to parent and a time to get your life back. Your DH is confused on that.
Can he afford to house them separately from your home? If not then I would stop doing any duties around the home. You have two able bodied girls who can do it.
I know the timing with the
I know the timing with the pandemic had to have had some impact on these girls.. but they may have had some tendencies even without it to be not great self starters.
I would say that 20 is still fairly young.. but 23? is getting to be very concerning. At this point.. it feels like something that needs to be revisited with him.. unless you are willing to accept these girls are permanent dependents in your home..
Because he is being incredibly unfair to his girls allowing them to stay stunted.. if there is a legit reason why they are struggling.. then he needs to get them the help they need.. if there is not a legit reason.. he needs to pry them out of the nest and give them a chance to build a life for themselves.
Maybe it would be better recieved if you wrote a letter vs trying to discuss this because he gets defensive and stops listening.
Dear DH,
You know that I love you dearly and love your daughters as well, but at 20 and 23 I can't help but be worried that they are going to fall behind their peers and that they deserve to have a chance to be happy productive adults and that by continuing to allow them to live here with no expectations.. we are taking away their opportunity to develop as adults should at their ages. I know not everyone matures at the same rate, but I also don't see any expectation from you that your girls make any headway in that department. I know you have said you would handle things with them.. but it doesn't seem we are in any different spot. I would like to hear what timeline you think is reasonable for them to start getting some footing in the real world? when do you think they will be ready to work.. to live independently? Do you think getting them some career counseling might help to figure out what they might like to do? have you considered the military as an option? I know they are not my children, but it is getting difficult to watch as they strugle.. and I know you have to want more for them as their father.
Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life. ??
SD have it made. They are going nowhere, not on there own power. You want to support two adults , For how long ?
This is a hill to died on. DH has to do something, something quick.
Sometimes love isn't enough.
Sometimes love isn't enough. Can you live with these girls forever? Because that's the trajectory.
I couldn't do it. As much as I love my DH, there was a time that I would have left him because I couldn't live with the way things were.
What DO you need to be happy, with or without your DH?
Will he see a therapist, with or without you? There is something stopping him from actually parenting these girls and having adult expectations of them. I think that would be my line in the sand--he needs to get help for the problem or move on with his co-dependent life.
A boss I worked for about a decade ago said...
Lower your expectations so you won't be disappointed.
That is fine for a single situation. It is not okay to live your life that way.
Raise your expectations, make DH and his girls deliver or depart.
Either way... you win.