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Disrespectful step son

Fedupstepmom18's picture

So,  I have been in my stepsons life ever since he was born. All the way up until about a year ago I've always had a part on how he was raised/disciplined (to a point), but was always asked for my input. Well fast forward to age 16. My stepson is out for every sport you can think of (which is great) so as soon as he was old enough to drive, my husband bought him a truck (which he did absolutely nothing to earn) just so we didn't have to keep taking him and picking him up for practice. This is fine with me as long as he's keeping up his grades,  getting home by curfew,  and just being respectful in general. Well pretty soon he made friends with the wrong group of kids and his whole demeanor changed. He wasn't asking us if he could go out anymore,  he just started doing it, he wouldn't be home by curfew, he's admitted doing drugs ( him and his friends were actually bragging about smoking weed at a basketball game,  causing them to drug test the whole team, which the school didn't do again because they lost half their basketball team. Don't even get me started on that!) There will be times where he wouldn't show up for days, even months! His parents nor the cops would do anything about it, because they had life 360 and knew exactly where he was and he was going to school. If that were my kid, I would have went to the place he was staying (which was known as "The Drug House" and pulled him home by his hair! I was told to stay out of it and that they would handle it. They had a "talk" with him and told him he wouldn't be going out for a very long time.  Well the sweet talker that this kid is got to go hang out with his friends the very next weekend! I told my husband that his truck and phone needed to go asap until he could learn to respect our rules and once again I was told to stay out of it. His mom acts like she's on our side and then turns around and gives him everything he wants. One time after his 1 month skip out, I talked my husband into taking his truck. That lasted one week, because he took off to his moms and she'd call everyday venting about how he needed a car and she couldn't afford to buy him one,  and then she found one for 1500 dollars but that one wasn't good enough for him and if he couldn't have a grand prix he didn't want anything. So he gave him his truck back. He has pushed my husband down the stairs and they do nothing! My husband kept asking me what he should do and I kept telling him take the phone and truck away! Nope that's too drastic! I finally through my hands up and told him to never talk to me about his problems with his son again until he was willing to do something about it! Final straw... about 2 weeks ago he pulled his normal crap, and my husband must of had enough, he took his phone and his truck and then sat down with him to tell him why. My stepson just goes off,  telling him how much he hates it here, and he doesn't feel like home here (he's been living with us for the past 4 years with my husband still paying child support might I add. He wanted to move here, it wasn't a forced thing. So, his dad tells him if he hates it that much, when school is done for the year we'll back his stuff and he can move back to his mom's (an hour away). He says he still wants to go to this school because that's where his friends are (his loser friends). His dad tells him that's to bad,  he's not dealing with his disappearing and disrespect anymore,  and that if he hates it here as much as he says then it'll never end. I thought good for you! Well he took off again,  came back in the middle of the night. Didn't go to school until halfway through the following day, the day after that he didn't go to school until the second half again,  when my husband/ his dad went in to make him go to school he pushed him to the ground (we don't fight back with fear of getting arrested for child abuse) packed a bag, and ran out the door. I ended up coming home that night to our surprise. My husband had a meeting to go to and I had to work till 8, so he was home by himself with my 10 year old son. My son calls me at work to tell me that my stepson was riffling through the house,  and that my son locked himself in a room because he didn't feel safe,  so my blood is pumping! Turns out he found another phone to work, which was in my bedroom in my side table drawer. I freaked out!  I took a golf club into his room demanded he give the phone back and when he called me a stupid fucking bitch and told me he didn't have it,  I smashed his TV with it (the golf club). He tucked something under his pillow, so I dropped the club and grabbed the pillow,  and there's the phone. I reached for the phone, he grabbed my hand with the phone in it and pulled me onto the bed,  we wrestled around for a bit and then he body slammed me to the ground.  I told him that was assault and I was calling the cops (which I told him months prior, that if I ever seen him put his hands on another human being again that I would). The cops came filed a report,  the whole time he's running his mouth about how he kicked my ass and kicked his dads ass just earlier that day,  and how that phone was his and he bought it and we can't keep it (he has never had a job). He even pushed the cop and the cop got right in his face but didn't do anything either. His mom came down and got him,  and he admittedly starts playing the poor poor pitiful me routine. Which were not having anymore.  Don't get me wrong, what I did was completely uncalled for and stupid and embarrassing, but I was stressed to the max. The very next morning she calls and said she had a really good talk with him and he's really sorry and that he still wants to live here and go to this school. I told my husband that I was not going to come between him and his son,  but I had my son to think about and if he came back I was gone. He claims he's done with the bullshit but I can tell it bothers him,  but at the same time I'm glad he's gone,  and I hope he doesn't come back. Feeling this way about him makes me feel super shitty about myself and almost stresses me out more than I was before. The kid needs help (drug rehab, counseling or anything besides nothing! ), his dad is finally on the same page with me, but his mom thinks her son is God's gift to earth and as long as he's telling her what he's doing she's fine with it. She needs to stop being a friend and be a fucking parent! Am I wrong. If not,  why do I feel so shitty about this situation? I know it's my fault that he's living with her now,  and I can't take back calling the cops on him, but I also feel like it was going to happen eventually. I guess I just wish I can take it all back,  but at the same time I don't. If anybody has any words of encouragement or advice, I'm open ears! Thanks for letting me vent! 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You did the right thing. Now continue to do what you need to do to protect yourself. SS stays at his Mom's. If DH decides to let him move back in - either you move out with your son, or DH gets another place to live in with SS.

Your DH is as much to blame in all this as BM. He chose to let his son physcially attack him and did nothing about it. He didn't defend himself and he didn't call the police. He let SS think he could get away with phsically attacking an adult.

Does SS have keys to your house? If so, change the locks.



Fedupstepmom18's picture

I just wish I could shake this feeling of guilt and shame. We live in a small town where we never lock the doors,  so they've never needed a key, but they are locked everyday now since that night. What's your situation? Is it getting better for you? How do you cope? I've tried meditation, excersize, yoga, extra work, non prescription stress tabs, online therapy (which was a joke! )and the situation still bothers me. I really don't want to be on medications, but I think about it more and more all the time. My husband is a really good man, and works very hard to support his family in anyway that he can (he's given this kid everything, to much in my opinion,  he just needs to stop being a naive idiot and realize that things don't just fix themselves.). I don't know why I'm defending him, but we all had a hand in raising a disrespectful, ungrateful, entitled kid. And I'm ready for change. Thank you for your feed back! I really appreciate it! Knowing someone besides my family agrees with me has lifted my spirits a little! 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I'm sorry this happened and you absolutely did the right thing. If you decide to let him back I strongly advise taking the police report and getting a refrain from order against him. This way if he does it again the police can arrest him and he can go in front of a judge.

Usually the consequences are based on what the victim wants. You can ask he is under probation superi, goes to counseling and drug treatment. They can give him a 6 month ACD and the charges will disappear if he does what he is supposed to do.

tog redux's picture

You for sure did the right thing. I get your mindset when you went in there with a golf club, but that could have easily turned around on you and you could have been hurt worse by him, or arrested for threatening him.  Take that as a sign and keep your boundaries with your DH. He's not really parenting his kid, and if BM thinks SS is such a precious jewel, she can move into your area so he can attend school with his friends.

You feel shitty because it's a shitty situation, and it's hard to be the bad guy when everyone is else is blaming you instead of the person who caused it - your SS (and his parents).  Stick to your guns - you will feel better soon.

Harry's picture

That is controlling his life.  He will do anything, say anything to keep his drugs coming.  He needs his phone and truck to keep the drugs coming.   Until he in rehab and off of drugs there is nothing you can do.  At 16 the state will not force rehab unless court order.   The police the school know they can not do anything. 
even if you get him into a rehab place he can walk out  he has rights.  Went through that.

You must disengage, let his mother handle him until he body slams her.  Do not let him into your home. If DH wants  to see him He can outside of your home.  Take his truck away, turn off his phone. Ect.  Hope for the best be prepared for the worst 

Fedupstepmom18's picture

That's what scares me! There's really nothing we can do especially without BM on our side. As far as the drugs, all it takes is one extra hit,  or one to many pills, or drives somewhere all fucked up and kills someone else. Not having that on me doesn't make it any better. SS or his BM don't realize I'm not trying to ruin his life, but there should be consequences for his actions without the aggression and that he needs to respect himself as much as others! He is me 20 years ago,  so I know how bad it can turn. Neither his BM or DH went through that so they are so naive to the situation and won't take my word for it. The only way I wised up was watching my oldest sister overdose, spend a few days in a hospital, got arrested for having a warrant out for her arrest for robbing a bar and then spent a month in rehab. That's when I realized I better clean up my act. I don't want that for him, and after sharing this information with BM and DH, it baffles me that they don't feel this way. I just hope it doesn't end badly. 

Fedupstepmom18's picture

I am amazed on how much this forum and your comments have boosted my self esteem! It's nice to know from other people besides MY family that I'm doing the right thing. It's been almost 2 weeks now, and he has yet to be back (he's has his mom convinced that I attacked him for no reason and he was just trying to defend himself, and that I am a horrible person). We still have his truck and his phone and I really hope my husband stays true to this. He has been super supportive on my behalf since it all happened, and claims that was the last straw and that he drew the line. So I guess time will tell. Thank you all so much for the encouraging words and wisdom. This forum has helped me more than anything I've tried so far! Thank you steptalk and everyone on it! 

Rags's picture

If you had pressed charges the police would have cuffed him and hauled him off.  Time to call them and have him arrested, put before a Judge, and hopefully sent to a facility for ajudicated minors.

If no one applies the complete and total consequences for his crap, nothing will change.

Reposses his truck, take his phone, and put his ass on the curb with the choice of taking a hike or living with mommy who can drive him to whatever school she wants to drive him to.

And... self defense against a violent teen is not child abuse. This POS told the police he beat you and his father.  Next time... take that golf club to his skull.



Fedupstepmom18's picture

The cops didn't even ask me if I wanted to press charges. They asked me to write a statement, so that's on file (I hope). Also told me that I could get charged with disturbing the peace for going into his room with a weapon (which was fine with me too). After I smashed his TV (which technically was mine and DHs') I thought to myself "how could I sink so low", "I just brought myself down to his level" "I'm a better person than that"! 

Trust me, I've been wanting to smash his face in with my bare fists,  every time he opens his disrespectful, ungrateful mouth! 

It's been almost 4 weeks since this happened. We still have his truck, phone and he's still living with his BM. We know he's been around our area every weekend still (very small town, everyone tells you everything). SS nor BM hasn't even tried to talk to us or have anything to do with us,  which is perfectly fine with me! My HD is on the same page as I am now and he is not welcome back until he learns how to respect authority in general!

Guilfoyle's picture

He's gone now. He sounds like a total wanker. You don't need that garbage in your life.  Be thankful that it's over now