Stepson is rude and disrespectful, to e point that I have considered leaving my husband
I met my husband about 10 years ago. I have 2 children now ages 18 and 16 he has 2 children now ages 18 and 26.
We were friends for at least 2 years before we started an intimate relationship so we have been in each other's kids' lives since they were very young. Our kids have always had a great relationship even now they still get along and are very close. We moved in together 8 years ago. My husband has had full custody of his kids from the time he got divorced when the kids were 2 and 8 years old. His kids used to living alone with dad so I knew moving in together would change the balance that they had at home.
The biggest issue that we have had is our way of parenting. Neither of us is perfect but I am a lot more strict than he is, I expect kids to clean up themselves, help with chores, get up and do things without being asked ( at their current ages). My husband has always been pretty laid back, he acts more like a friend and not a parent. Just a few examples: The 26-year-old moved away to college at 19 not knowing how to boil an egg, do his laundry or clean any part of the house because his dad did it all for him.
I have slowly tried working with all of our kids, trying to set them up to succeed in life. The 26-year-old moved away for college shortly after we moved in together and I have a great relationship with him at this point. The 18-year-old has always had some resentment towards me because I moved in and "ruined his life". I've been called a bitch because I asked him to pick up his plate after eating, that is just one of the many things he has said or done. My husband has always talked to him about how disrespectful that is but there has never really been any consequences or discipline, for anything. The 18-year-old is disrespectful to his mom and dad, not just me. I've heard him tell his mom to fuck off. His mom is not the most engaged parent but I feel like she deserves respect. I've been told to get the fuck out of his house ( my children and I moved into a rental home with my husband and kids).
Anyway, fast forward to now, my husband and I bought a house 4 years ago making this "our home" not "the home you moved into and ruined our lives". My stepson has no job, is doing horrible in school, thinks he can come and go at ridiculous times at night, asks for money all of the time, doesn't contribute to any of the housework, he is still very rude and disrespectful to both me and his dad, goes out to parties and gets drunk.
Both of my kids got a job as soon as they turned 16, they help with chores, they don't act rude or disrespectful to me, my husband, or anyone. My 18-year-old is very mature, she sees things differently, she has thanked me for raising her right. I feel like my 16-year-old feels like he is missing out on something or like I am just trying to ruin something fun by not letting him drink or be out at 2 am. I've talked with him and explained that the life that my stepson is not what he wants.
I feel fed up. I keep telling myself "he is 18 now, I've already put up with so much, he will soon be on his own and at least be out of the house" ( I know he will always be in our lives). But at this rate, no job, no chance at graduating high school let alone going to college. He has no motivation to work or do anything with his life because he treats his dad like an ATM. We have tried counseling, sitting down, and talking to him, letting him know we won't be supporting him for the rest of his life. I don't know how much more of his nasty attitude I can take, his disrespect to his dad and our home.
My husband and I have a great relationship, I love him, he is a great guy. He has been working since he was 14yrs old, he treats me like a queen. I don't want to throw away years of our relationship and a great husband after coming this far but I'm almost to the point of giving up. I have told him this and all he says is things will get better, we will look back at this and move on, the kids will be all grown and move out someday and we will have time to focus on just us.
I don't know what to do.
Why does hour husband keep
Why does your husband keep on giving him money? He's never going to get a job if he doesn't need one. He's not going to move out either as long as he has all his needs catered for, free of charge, at home. Have you told your husband that you feel like leaving because you can't live like this any more?
He gives him money because he
He gives him money because he feels bad he says and because we can afford it. I have tired explaining to my husband that he is only hurting his son and enabling him to be irresponsible and not succeed in life.
I have told my husband that I am considering leaving him, he always says things will get better , kids will grow up and we will be fine.
I have thought about the future. Yes, eventually my stepson will have to move out job or no job because I won't be supporting him through his 30s but the damage he has done, I will never forget about. We will most likely never have a good relationship.
Things are never going to get
Things are never going to get any better until your DH pulls up his socks and actually DOES something about the situation. The reason this has degenerated so far is because your DH is a lazy, passive apology for a father. The reason he does nothing is because you haven't lit a fire under him yet. You've apparently told him you want to leave several times and he clearly doesn't believe you. So start looking for an apparetment for just you. See a lawyer about your rights. Then pack a bag and walk out the door. That should get his attention.
For me, being treated like a
For me, being treated like a queen would NOT include someone allowing their 18 yo kid to call me a bitch. My SS would have been very sorry he ever did that once my DH got done with him.
Your DH is allowing this to continue. Why is he paying for anything at this point, other than a roof over SS's head, and food until he's done with high school?
You don't have a great relationship if his parenting is affecting you to the point of you considering leaving. He needs to set some strong limits on this kid. If he won't, move out until he gets the kid out for good.
That is so true! It all comes
That is so true! It all comes down to my husband making seem like its okay. Honestly, I never blamed my step son when he was younger, I always told my husband it is his fault for raising him that way. But now that he is an adult, I don't feel the need to make excuses for him. I have never done anything but try to help him be more responsible and he hates me for that.
SS is responsible too, for
SS is responsible too, for sure - but he can only get away with this because your DH allows it.
Burnkng platform!
Others here have mentioned the burning platform strategy for launching kids. I think your DH needs to read some of that, and make a plan. Because it is his job to get his 18-year-old launched, not yours. And I agree that there needs to be a clear plan for the kid, and for what you wanna do if he refuses to launch his child. You shouldn't have to live like that, and honestly he's not treating you like a queen if he lets his child talk to you that way. I'm sure he's great in tons of other ways though.
Your husband may be a great
Your husband may be a great guy but he's a lousy parent. You need to set boundaries with the SS (any name calling he's out of the house, no input from DH, he gets no say!) and with your husband. Let your husband know his son will be leaving once he's graduated and that any disrespect prior to that he will be out on the streets. Your DH needs some tough love, or he and his son are going to steam roll over you.
I agree, he is a horrible
I agree, he is a horrible parent. He has always provided for and loved his kids but he really hurt them by raising them this way.
Your DH says things will get
Your DH says things will get better. He's saying he wishes things will get better. But he's doing nothing to make sure that happens.
Read the adult steps forum. There are skids in their 30s, 40s, and 50s still sucking money and being disrespectful. This is your future too if you don't make changes. And if your DH won't, then you must to ensure your own happiness and future.