Why stay?
This is my first time here. Hello, everybody! I've been reading forums here for quite sometime and all last night (another bout of insomnia), so if I sound a little discombobulated from the lack of sleep I apologize in advance. But I had to ask this question: "what compells us to stay in those curdled stepfamilies?" I know, everybody has different reasons and some of them are pretty hefty, like may be planning to have kids together, financial, strong love for a spouse, etc. But from what I know from a personal experience and a general consensus-there is so little happiness in the life of a stepparent. The running theme here is that we lose the very essense of who we are, may be not right away, so my question would be directed more at those with
My DH is the most wonderful,
My DH is the most wonderful, kind, gentle, HONEST and thoughtful person I've ever met. AND he was willing to put boundaries and set rules with stepdevil14 in place so she wouldn't ruin our relationship (but boy she tried!)
I've never met anyone that has loved me the way he has. And his father and granddad are just him, only older. They are all one-women types that truly cater to their wives and love unconditionally.
Had he continued to allow SD14 to rule him as it were when we first got together, I wouldn't have stayed. But since he was open to changing things with her and putting our relationship first, I would never leave his side.
I think I speak for most of
I think I speak for most of us and myself as well when I say we STAY for the man we love. If it weren't for our men making it "WORTH IT" (treating us great, respecting us and our boundaries with the skids/bm, putting skids/bm in their place, putting us/our relationship FIRST, ETC.) then I am sure pretty much, if not all of us would tell them to pound sand!!!
I love DH. DH loves me. I
I love DH. DH loves me.
I stay because even tho we have been through some really rough times and a lot of changes had to be made we have been able to make it work because of our love for each other.
Sex?
Sex?
LOL spoken like a true man.
LOL spoken like a true man. Although, I must say - that keeps me around on days I'd like to run away screaming as well...
Heh! I could say the
Heh! I could say the same.
But in all honesty, my reasons for staying are made more profound by the way DW just "gets me". DW is a woman that has this uncanny way of drinking me in with her eyes when she talks to me. Under that hypnotic stare I remain smitten. While I may disagree with her parenting style; and 99% of our fights entail some of SS's antics, DW and I do make a great team. While I have only known DW for a short 7 years, I cannot for the life of me remember what my life was like before I met her and cannot imagine DW not in my life.
I also told her that if she leaves me, I will stalk her }:)
I get that 100% and share the
I get that 100% and share the same feelings with DH.
If he left me; however, I would not stalk him. I'd find me a RICH man (yes, cliche but I'm too old and tired of being broke).
Sorry, I don't know what
Sorry, I don't know what happened to the rest of my post , but here is continuation. So to those who served considerable amount of time, like 6 plus years (7 in my case)-"Do you truly feel happy and whole still in those families?" I know I don't. May be my case is a little different because I was married to a good guy, our first marriage, so I can't help but to constantly compare how good I felt before to how bad I feel now. Now, my civil husband is ok guy, still a lot of attraction, taking care of me (somewhat), makes good money,etc. But i have wilted. I'm not a first mate anymore like I used to in this relationship. His kids are ruling his and my life. They are 12 and 13, so it's still a long way to go. May be for the rest of my life judging by the way they are developing, they will never be out of the house at 18. Not even at 30.I missed that warm feeling of being loved and important, being content, having joyful trips and holidays. I feel like I have to pay my dues all the time and this heavy cloud hanging over my head that will inevitably burst in a storm. Oh, it will... Anyways, I just can't fathom the fact that the rest of my life will be spent like this. And although I'm 45 now and broke, but most importantly completely alone in this country (I'm not from US), I feel like I'd rather starve than continue to be with them. And I will starve, I don't have a career yet, just out of school, but somehow it seems more plausible option now. The only thing that scares the sh..t out me is the lack of social support. I never lived alone in a foreign country before, it's a double whammy. And no, I can't go back home, I lost my citizenship a long time ago, it will takes years to reinstitute it. I can only go visit, but I have no right to work there. I know I have very slim chances to find my happiness, may it's foolish to leave a comfortable lifestyle and dive into an entirely different set of hardships, but I can't stand feeling like this anymore. I will blame myself forever if i didn't try. So scary though... Actually, I need to find support forums for those who left already, like "in aftermath of leaving stepfamilies". Didn't find anything...Anyways thanks for listening
This sounds awful. It almost
This sounds awful. It almost sounds like you have more or less resolved on the fact that you will never ever be happy in this relationship. I think one of the hardest things any of us have ask ourselves is if staying in this relationship is worth it?
A good friend of is (or rathar was) a step-mom herself. She gave me tons and tons of advice on step-parenting and I still follow some of her guidelines. Imagine my surprise one day when I discovered that she decided to call it quits on her relationship. Her BF and her stepson just made her more miserable than happy. They've been together a long time too (15 years by my count). When I spoke to her about it, there was a lot of pent up anger and frustration there. She admits that she let things get to far. There was a lot of anger and a lot of pain that she, her boyfriend and her stepson had to go through. Recently however, I contacted her through FB to see how she was doing. She told me that her ex-stepson came to visit her and told her that as far as he was concerned, she was her real Mom.
Don't know if this helps any, but it just goes to show that we as steps not only have the choice to stay or leave, but that we have a far reaching impact on our steps that even we ourselves don't realize.
I love DH, DH loves me. I
I love DH, DH loves me. I love SS, SS loves me.
BM is an idiot pain in the ass piece of shit, but DH sets up good strong boundaries and respects my role in SS's life... and won't put up with BM's crap. Ever.
^^^SAME HERE^^^...Except the
^^^SAME HERE^^^...Except the part about loving SS :sick:
Good question. I ask it of
Good question. I ask it of myself at least twice a week.
well, it's seems like love
well, it's seems like love is a running theme here. I guess, in my case I'm not so lucky to have a partner who loves me that much. he says he does,(in between his insults) and I don't feel it. may be that's why this life with them seems so intolerable (well, kids behavior by itself is pretty maddening, I gotta say). As for the future- I don't think they will ever say a kind word to me or be ever grateful. They are dead set to free daddy of me to have him all to themselves.So I won't have that gratification for my sacrifices, plus they have their mother and she is good, even if she yells and spanks them, but she takes good care of them. I reprimanded his son once for stealing money and if I was overly stern is because I was trying to overlap his hysterical screams of denial. It was my money. Anyways, that set the stage for ensuing covert hostilities from then on from his side. He was just mad he got caught. Anyways, it's is going to be a struggle forever. I don't have it anymore in me. Plus we are not even married, what am i doing it for?
In my own case, I am pretty
In my own case, I am pretty much holding on to the times SD is not around. I know that’s horrible but it’s just the way it is. We have her 50/50 week on, week off. The weeks she is not around are AMAZING! DH and I have a great relationship, we don’t argue, we have fun together, we lay around and relax, we just do what we want! When she is there, however, the whole damn world seems to revolve around her and it makes me ill. So then I just hold on and wait for her to be gone again. It’s really a shitty way to live, I know, but the time alone with DH is just so great that I deal with the rest.
^^That's exactly how it was
^^That's exactly how it was when we did the 50/50 week on week off with stepdevil14. The entire atmosphere of the house changed when she was there and I was miserable. I would "work" late, call friends and sit in the parking lot for an hour to avoid going home, walk around the mall aimlessly, anything to have to distract me. It was NO way to live for any of us.
I hear ya. But realize, it
I hear ya. But realize, it should only be temporary. Once they're older, the 50/50 will stop and you'll be happy 100% of the time!
I left and started over and I
I left and started over and I am happy. You should not stay if you are not happy. It is not worth it. Yes, there are hardships and challenges. However, you will be amazed how many people will come to support you and how much you will learn from the experience.
I was lucky to go back home to Europe and start a new career and gain my self - esteem an self- love back. My family and friends have been amazing.
Get the courage to leave and just leave. Be joyful and happy ! I know I am because I am out of it:)
Oh, I will never put myself
Oh, I will never put myself in a relationship with a man that has a kid or kids - never ever ever. I know that there are not many men in my age pool but this craziness is not for me. Even if they are adult etc. I donot think it is for me. Too much drama and pain and trauma etc. I just want to be happy - so simple. I will run like hell if I hear that he has kids.
I tell all of my single
I tell all of my single friends to run for the hills if they think about getting involved with someone with children. I honestly think if I had to do it all over again, I would not be with my husband now. How terrible does that sound? Pretty terrible. Most people that I talk to, including my aunt, say the same thing...they'd never do it again. My aunt actually asked me if he was worth it before we got married haha, the day we got engaged the answer was yes and the day we got married the answer was yes. Before, in between, and since then my answer has been yes and no...right now it's a definite no haha! Yeah, one of those months I guess.
I will never put myself in
I will never put myself in that situation. There are always problems in relationships. But when there are kids, teens, cars,child support letters every 3 months, college demands and crazy BMs( not just one diagnosed bipolar but two crazy ones) involved, along with a crazy MIL and a raging pre teen 12- 13 year old girl - it is just too too much to handle. Especially with no support or a glimpse of understanding from your significant other who is caught in the guilt ridden web of southern daddy`s girl syndrome and takes on his daughter as the most wonderful girl in the whole world.
There is simply no place for a female in that guy`s life - it is too crowded.
I would take a guy with no kids any time. The worst could be an ex girlfriend or a mother in law. And at least if we argue it will be about our kids and not involve third parties in the upbringing of our children.
After what I went through - my response is still NO and a firm sounding NO. I come here to remind myself why I said NO and left. I am happy that I did. I do not even want to stay friends with that guy that I was so close to marrying. It is such a big turn off for me now. What was I thinking?
My advice - avoid men which children and avoid men who have children from different women . RUN as fast as you can! If he was unable to work out his marriage or relationship he would probably be unable to work things out with you too! The right question is not - is he worth it? But do you know your worth and is he able to match it.
Ana, I'm so happy you finally
Ana, I'm so happy you finally freed yourself. That takes an enourmous courage. I'm searching for the inspirational stories like that to give myself a boost. there are not that many, but from what I read, those women, who left , are decisively happy, like a cloud had lifted. Unfortunately, I don't have an option to return to my family. My sister (we are very close) lives in Canada, but I can't obtain a work permit there any time soon, it's like going through the whole immigration process and i doubt it will ever happen-canadians are strict about clean background and I got a reckless driving ( after a soul-wrenching fight with my DH). So, nowhere to go right now. I have a little house here, but it's rented, hopefully it will be free by the end of the summer. well, anyways, something will change for sure, because my very soul is protesting and very loud lately. Disengage-right. last weekend we had a blood drawn-ADHD son kicked his sister in the nose, accidentaly- may be. before that he spilled a hot drink on her, again may be accidentaly. before that put welts on her torso by whipping a wire cord, may be accidentally again. I say B..sh..t. How do you disengage from a psychotic kid? Impossible. Next friday they are going to be here and i'm going to check into hotel, because i know something is gonna happen again. I'm tired of living in increments of 11 days between their visits, no amount of good times with my DH will ever make it right. He invited me to go to key West for a little vacation, and I don't have it in me to go and enjoy it. And I used to be a roaming gnome. Go figure...
He probably understands the
He probably understands the pressures that you are facing and hence the vacation. The same with my ex - when I left and push came to shovel he also suggested a vacation to the beach the ease things out. Believe me - it was not easy for me and probably for him either.
You have to love yourself enough and be the real you with him and tell him how you feel. You have to tell him that your soul is aching and the pressure is too much and you are afraid of what is to come. If he is willing to recognize your feelings and listen you will know. If he shuts down and does not want to listen he is probably also in fear and does not know how to cope.
Suggest professional help and see if he is willing to work with you on the relationship.
If he is unwilling to do that and does not want to try then you have all your answers.
Try practicing empathy, compassion and honesty. Be gentle and loving to your soul and his soul.
If nothing works then you know you answer and you know you have to love yourself and trust yourself enough to leave.
We can talk for a minute
We can talk for a minute about what makes us happy but to complain... now that we can talk for hours!
That should be taken lightly and it is not meant to undermine anyone's hardships however people rarely speak of the good things.
I am tired of being sad. I'm
I am tired of being sad. I'm tired of being disappointed in my DH and his shit choices with his kids. I'm tired of not feeling loved or appreciated. Maybe I'm staying, because I haven't made another plan. Yes, I'm having another shit day.