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Where's my place

Stepmum1986's picture

I really need to vent. Something I have been struggling with is knowing what my place is as a stepparent. I have no children of my own. I really want children of my own. I have fertility issues. I feel like I don't have much of a say when it comes to my partners 10 year old son. My partner is often critizing that I'm to hard on he's son and need to be more relaxed. For example a recent topic that we are not seeing eye to eye was whether or not his son should have friends sleep over. My instinct is to say no because in the past sleepovers have been difficult to deal with. The boys muck up together and don't listen to me at all. I find it hard to deal with and my partner just says that I'm to up tight and need to relax. If I'm honest I think I struggle with the fact that the decisions around my stepson aren't mine to make and I'm not a parent. It feels as though I give a whole lot. My time, love, care,money ,space but at the end of the day. I'm not a parent and I think it gets to me. Its hard for me to describe. I love my partner and his son. They are my family. But why is it so hard for me to feel like I fit into this famliy?

yolo222's picture

This is exactly how it feels to be a stepparent. Talk to your spouse about this. If u all are in the same house u should have equal say in things. Sleepovers are hard even for bio parents. Compromise on that and maybe allow one a month.

If u and your partner have not defined your role you really need to. But I doubt your feelings will go away. Bottom line is. That is not your child

Superstepper's picture

Right the F on, HRcity!! BM isn't in skids life at all and I'd beg someone to spew that bs to my face!!!

CANYOUHELP's picture

If you can find the answer to this, please share it. Most of us are outcasts in our step situations and clearly know our place; for us it never changes and it never will change. it is just what it is and we learn to live to accept it and manage it (for ourselves), or leave it.

newcstep's picture

This is such a personal question that only you, your DH, and SS can answer. Every family is different and SMs often play different roles. No you are not and will never be this child's mother, but after that it's up to you.

I see many people on this site who completely detach and will not interact with their skids. Maybe their experiences and situation require that, idk. Personally, I am and will always be an authority figure deserving of respect in my own home. I don't care if the kids are bios, steps, nephews, or friends.

I try to gauge my attachment to the level of a teacher or Aunt. Teachers and aunts have no say over big decisions that only parents are able to make. But if you are this child's Aunt and he wanted to have a sleepover at your house, you should have the ability and authority to mange that situation. Hopefully your DH will support that position the way mine supports me.

sunshinex's picture

As an adult in the house, you have a say in what happens under your roof. Especially if you're paying your fair share of the rent/mortgage, groceries, etc.

No, you're not the child's mom, but you ARE an adult deserving of respect and input in your own home. DH needs to either pay for EVERYTHING because he's the only adult who gets any say, or let you have your equal say in the household - and that means even little things like sleepovers get ran past you.

sunshinex's picture

I agree with your first point, absolutely. She should have a say - not be given permission. But the second point...

I would hope that most stepparents can be self-aware enough to know when they're saying "no" to something simply because they're void of the heartstrings parents have when making decisions. I know in my case, I can realize when SD asks to go to a birthday party, that my first instinct is "ugh i don't wanna deal with this" but if it was my bio child, my first thought would be "yay let's go buy a gift and get you ready" and I act on what is in her best interest/what I would do for a bio child instead of my first instinct.

That's part of the sacrifice of being a stepparent. It's NEVER as enjoyable doing a lot of things we'd do for our own bio kids for stepkids, but any person who's willing to take away from a kid's childhood because they're childless and don't have the same love for the kid, shouldn't be in the position of being a stepparent to be honest. If that's OPs case, than I wholeheartedly agree that she shouldn't have a say in whether or not the kid has a sleepover.

But OP mentioned the kids don't listen to her when there's sleepovers involved. That tells me she's put in some sort of authority over the sleepover - or her DH isn't taking care of things - and she gets disrespected by her stepkid who ignores/doesn't listen during the sleepover. If that were me with my SD, i'd tell her no sleepovers too. Or better yet, I'd tell DH i don't care whether or not she has a sleepover but he's in charge of keeping the kids in line. I'd also have a talk about reminding the kid that I'm an authority figure in the household.

Also, girl crush is reciprocated Smile

ldvilen's picture

Newcstep is right: "I am and will always be an authority figure deserving of respect in my own home. I don't care if the kids are bios, steps, nephews, or friends." This should be every SM's mantra.

I wholeheartedly agree that when SKs are outside of your home, it is easier or preferable to let the bio-parent handle just about all. BUT, when SKs are in your own home, that is different. Your house, your rules, and it doesn't matter if they are bios, steps, nephews, or friends.

This line, on the other hand, is nuts: " What childless adults lack is empathy. . . ." You don't need to have a child to have empathy for children. This line almost makes it sound like a pedophile with children of his/her own would have more empathy for children than any adult without a child. Talk about stereotyping. But, there is plenty of stereotyping of SMs on these pages as far as what they should or should not be doing, so why not throw in bio-free individuals as well!?

Anyway, this line is true: "You need to be able to run your household [as a team] and shouldn't allow your husband to usurp your authority" period. You and your husband are married and a couple and need to work things out in your home just like any other couple. When you marry a man with children, no matter what anyone says it does NOT mean you are now 4th on DH's list, behind DH, SKs and BM, and that you just have to suck it up and take it.

sunshinex's picture

This line, on the other hand, is nuts: " What childless adults lack is empathy. . . ." You don't need to have a child to have empathy for children. This line almost makes it sound like a pedophile with children of his/her own would have more empathy for children than any adult without a child. Talk about stereotyping. But, there is plenty of stereotyping of SMs on these pages as far as what they should or should not be doing, so why not throw in bio-free individuals as well!?

THIS. Not all childless adults lack empathy or care for kids. There are plenty of times my husband can be too hard on SD and I'm the one who reminds him that she's just a kid and he needs to apologize. There are plenty of times the situation is reversed. Just because you have birthed a child, doesn't give you all the empathy for kids in the world. Otherwise BM wouldn't be shrugging off all the times she's made SD cry while I, the childless stepmom, give her hugs and remind her that she's loved even though BM didn't show up/call/whatever she promised but didn't do.

mtlbettie's picture

I totally agree. I've always been the one to plan sleepovers and special days for my SD because regardless of her not being mine, I wanted her to have a happy childhood and her BM was too busy swilling wine. Unfortunately, BM has a lot more influence than me or my husband and now the skid is too lazy and socially awkward to do much of anything we used to do together. But if she hadn't morphed into her BM, I'd still be down.

Stepmum1986's picture

Thanks for the replys. By money, I meant that my parntner and I have an equal share in the household finances.
Thanks for the advise everyone. I do think further discussion is needed with my partner about this. Someone commented about seeing myself as an Aunt or teacher. That's great advice thanks heaps. I guess pulling back abit and accepting that big descsion are not mine to make.

Stepmum1986's picture

I do understand that the issue is not so much my stepsons behavior or even sleep overs. Its there is more of an issue with communicating with my parnter . Sleepovers was just an example. I would never want my stepson to miss out on childhood norms because of me.

Rags's picture

Actually you are a parent. The title of Step Parent does not end at step. The suffix of the title is where the important element resides.

We are equity life partners to our SOs and that makes us equity parents to any spawn in our marital home regardless of spawn biology. If that is not the case.... it should be and we should tolerate nothing less for ourselves or from our partner.

So here is the deal. You and your SO establish and enforce the reasonable rules of behavior in your home. If SO does not like how you parent and discipline then he has a choice. Step up and get it done before you have to or STFU and have your back. The third option is for he and his prior relationship child(ren) to GTFO.

My wife and partnered as equity parents to our son (my now adopted former SS-24) from the beginning of our relationship. We met and started dating when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. For the most part we remained aligned ... until SS was into his early to mid teens. For a bit more than a year we had differing perspectives on parenting and disciplining a teen boy. Having once been a teen boy myself I figured I had some experience to guide my perspective and action on the topic. It came to a head during one particularly tense experience when she grumbled at me in front of the kid about being too hard on him.

I turned to her and asked her to accompany me to our room where I gave her the message. "If you don't like how I parent and how I discipline then step up and get it done before I have to or bite your tongue and have my back until we can discuss it in private."

She agreed and stepped up to take over the primary parenting and disciplinary role for the remainder of his teens. Much to his displeasure. I am a discipline and done parent/disciplinarian. I address a behavior, apply the consequence, and move on until there is either a repeat or separate issue to address. If it is a repeat behavior the consequence of kid choice escalates. SS appreciated that when compared to his mom's never forget extended torment and torture model (figurative torture) of discipline.

After several months of his mom recycling discussion and lectures of past behavior he approached me and asked if I could step back up into the primary disciplinarian role. Nope kid.... You are stuck with the new model! Ha, had, haaaaaaaaa! }:) Blum 3 Dirol

We were at the key point where though I had always been his dad I could have easily assumed a position of "asshole StepDad" in h is mind. I still parented and addressed inappropriate behavior when it occurred in my presence but his mom was the primary disciplinarian.

He respected both his mom and I and we remain very close. So close that when he was 22 he asked me to adopt him. Which we made happen.

So, do not accept a position that is anything less than your SO's equity life partner, do not accept your SO as anything less than your equity life partner, and do not accept anything less than equity parent status to any kids in your relationship home and that should put you in a far superior parenting position to your SO's X.

IMHO of course.

Enjoy.

Stepmum1986's picture

How did you and your partner go about setting boundaries and rules together. I'd really like some tips or info about that. I really do want children someday and I would like to get on the same or similar page about discipine and rewards and boundaries and things like that. I know it about communication.But sometimes its hard to know where to start.

Stepmum1986's picture

How did you and your partner go about setting boundaries and rules together. I'd really like some tips or info about that. I really do want children someday and I would like to get on the same or similar page about discipine and rewards and boundaries and things like that. I know it about communication.But sometimes its hard to know where to start.

Rags's picture

For us it was pretty basic. Kids do what they are told when they are told. They speak to adults with respect (Yes/No Ma'am/Sir, etc...) and they treat each other with respect. They keep themselves and their spaces clean, and they focus on being kids and their school work. All in an age appropriate manner.

We also never adopted chores as punishment. Chores are the kids contribution to the home and a conduit for teaching work ethic and basic responsibility. Rewards were about praise for over and above behavior. Doing what they should do was neither punished nor praised. It was expected.

Dishonesty was our biggest disciplinary focal point. Truth was respected, lies were addressed with immediate and unpleasant consequences.

Our basic disciplinary philosophy was that if the kid was screwing around when she should have been working (school, homework, etc...) then he could do focused infraction based drudgery tasks when he should have been goofing off and screwing around. Over the years he wrote countless thousands of sentences addressing his poor choices, all in perfect hand writing, perfect grammar and punctuation, perfect spelling, at a pace of ~100-200+-ish per hour. We learned that it was easy for a tailored consequence for the Skid could turn into a punishment for us so when we went out and about he came with us but as soon as we arrived back home or to our destination he went back to writing sentences. Grounding, an occasional swat to the rump, etc... were applied periodically depending on the circumstance and the age of the kid.

You know what reasonable behavior is. Enforce it. If your SO does not step up to the responsibilities of parenting and disciplining then he can bite his tongue while you do it. If does not like how you do it... he can step up. Regardless of the biology of the kid(s) in question. If they are in your home, you are an equity parent to that kid even if you have no biologic participation in that kid's existence.

It is not rocket science. It is nothing difficult. Apply reasonable standards, enforce those standards, and apply consequences when the standards are not complied with. Be consistent.

Keep it simple, keep it focused, and do not allow yourself to get drawn into the why of a kids choice beyond a basic level. Kids far more often than not have no clue why they do what they do. Hence the frequency of "I don't know" when asked what the hell they were thinking when they do something stupid.

Loxy's picture

I think not being able to have your own kids makes being a step-parent so much worse - that's certainly been my experience. I've been a step-parent for 10 years now and suffering with infertility for 6 years. With multiple failed IVF attempts behind me the chances of me becoming a mother now are slim to none.

What I've noticed as a result is that my resentment at being a step-parent has skyrocketed over the last year to the same level as the first few years of being a step-parent. t's not like I can have the life of someone without kids as I have all the responsibility and cost of raising step-kids without any of the benefits of being a real parent and that's a hard pill to swallow.

K333's picture

I agree. I am currently having my 6th miscarriage. This last one was completely unexpected and happened naturally. STB EX DH could have cared less, he was busy with sd. But I chose to no longer be saddled with a man who cared less about me than his child when I was having our pregnancies die inside of me.
Hopefully nobody will judge my last statement as a who is more important thing. I had one miscarriage every year we were together. Once a year is not a lot to ask for emotional support and because he had his daughter I didn't even realize I was being neglected.
Also I started out with all the empathy in the world and wanted sd to have everything I did as a kid. But after the empathy gets beaten out of you by the both of them it doesn't matter childless or not. Some posters that do have children have disengaged and have no more or less empathy than I did. Imo.