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Am I making a mountain over a molehill?

ColdFeet's picture

I have been with my boyf almost two years now and I am having serious doubts/concerns (and this isn't the the first time over the two years).

He has two sons. 14 & 4 by two previous partners.

My concerns are me being able to handle being around his kids more if we progress and get a house together due to my need for personal space & his BM #2s attitude/failure to get a life after 4 (almost 5yrs!)

My boyfriend seems to want custody of his oldest son. I'll be honest I'm not keen on it as I would not have dated him in the first place. Sounds bad right? Anyway things change I guess, I could possibly accept that but my fear is that if this happens the jealous BM #2 of his youngest would probably make up a fuss and force him to have the younger one full time too (or more).

I can't help but feel that I'd be trapped in my own home. His children/his family..Then me the only female and outsider. I have no kids of my own (I do want them eventually) and wish I did just so I could put another life as a priority over my partner. If that makes sense? In his life I will never be more than number 3 in importance but he'd be my number 1 (after myself of course).

BM2 is manipulative and has a record of telling her 4yo to say things (usually to his dad). She's told her son that his father doesn't love him and told her son to tell daddy he wants him to have a baby brother with his mum. Loser right?! She was never a girlfriend, just the rebound. I believe she got pregnant to avoid her getting deported from the country, her sister got deported, unfortunately she got lucky. This is a woman who goes to church but has no heart. I've been called all sorts of names and my partner thinks nothing should affect me unless it's directly to me but is that not proof enough she will poison her sons head.

At times I feel lonely in my emotions because no one understands what it's like from this side. None of my friends can relate neither can my partner. He will ask advice from his female friends who have kids and think that I'm overreacting because they must be able to relate simply because they are female. I'm tired of trying to make him understand my side. The only opinion that should matter.

Am I over thinking that this won't have a affect on me? I have concerns I would never feel truly comfortable in my own home as she is the type of person to cause trouble and send her innocent son to to the work. He may eventually grow up to believe the lies she tells even though I have nothing to do with why my partner didn't want to be with her.

Also I can't help but feel resentful that if we lived together I would never have weekends to relax or enjoy my own home and space as he has them every weekend unless he or the mothers have plans. My life would essentially be controlled by 5 ppl (partner, 2kids & 2BMs).

A lot of my concerns are "what if" but they aren't impossible.

Am I being selfish? I know relationships are about sacrificing at times but..
I read a lot of posts about ppl with regrets of not leaving, unhappiness & loneliness. That all scares me like hell. I love him but I may lose myself in the relationship.

I'm 31 and whether I stay with him or not I won't have children for a while as I want to be married first and 100% trust that his BM#2 will not have any evil towards a child I bring into the world & that child will not be lacking due to his poor past decisions.

Does anyone have any advice? It's hard to leave someone you love I'm struggling between head and heart. I don't want to have regrets of leaving or staying lol I can't win with myself
Arrgh!

MurphysLaw's picture

What in the heck are you doing with a two time loser?
2 kids by two different women....YOU CAN DO BETTER!!!

hereiam's picture

Fourteen and four? Yikes!

No one can tell you what to do but all of your concerns are absolutely valid and it is not selfish of you to have those concerns. This guy comes with a lot of baggage.

marblefawn's picture

You're brilliant! You are doing exactly what you should be doing at this point in your relationship! This is your dress rehearsal for how married life will be with this guy. If it doesn't look good at this point, it will not look good in 20 years when the love is "settled in," the bills are stacked up, you're both fat and wrinkled. And he sure won't look good when you're in the midst of divorce and fighting over who gets the grill and that stack of bills.

Think about it. No one marries with the idea they'll be miserable. People only want to talk about love and wedding dresses when they're dating. The person who looks past that fun stuff and looks objectively at who they're dating is the one with the best chance of making a happy union. You are asking important questions as you should.

As for whether you and he are a good match...well, look at what you're writing. The issues are not issues that can be easily changed. They're kids. He can't give them back. And he can't change who their mothers are. A career, a house, a few extra pounds can be changed. But this guy has major baggage with TWO kids and TWO biomoms. He is beholden to many other people for at least 14 years. And trust the women here when we say resenting children is not viewed nicely by the general population, no matter how awful those kids are. You will always be the bad guy in this situation.

I think you're pretty sharp. Don't make the mistake of knowing the issues and ignoring them. There are so many great men out there - go get one! You can and will do better if you allow yourself to do better. Focus on this one thing you wrote and I think you'll figure out what you have to do:

"""""My life would essentially be controlled by 5 ppl (partner, 2kids & 2BMs)."""""

Blue Moon's picture

«I have no kids of my own (I do want them eventually) and wish I did just so I could put another life as a priority over my partner. If that makes sense? In his life I will never be more than number 3 in importance but he'd be my number 1» I completely understand that as I am also childless, but if you also had kids it would only be more complicated and you both would have even less time together.

You are not selfish for having those doubts; I have been dating my SO for 3 years and have decided to wait until his DD17 is launched before we move in together.

notarelative's picture

If BM2 had a baby so not to be deported, you should seriously consider that SO could end up with full custody. A local woman is in detention and scheduled to be deported. She has no criminal record or charges, been here since she was six, is married to a citizen, and has two children under five.

In today's political climate having a child does not exempt you from deportation.

strugglingSM's picture

I think if you already know that you will never be #1 with him, then you should seriously consider ending things. Even if a man has children, his wife should never feel as if she is never #1. In my opinion, a man's wife should be his first priority and his kids only become #1 if they need something immediately. Making his kids happy shouldn't trump making his wife happy. A man's wife and his children should never be on an equal playing field. Children will eventually grow up and leave. Ideally, a man's wife will stay with him and care for him long after his children have left. A lot of marriages (where both spouses are parents to the children) break down because one spouse in the relationship puts the children over the marital relationship and the other spouse feels unappreciated, unwanted, or like a roommate, instead of a romantic partner. A marital relationship shouldn't be put on the backburner because one person has children. If that's the case, then the person with children should not have gotten married and should have focused exclusively on his/her children. I say all this, knowing that this is not the reality for many child-free steppparents - myself included. Speaking from personal experience, there is a total imbalance of power in my relationship with DH. He thinks that he should get special privileges or his needs should trump mine because he has children. It's caused me a lot of heartache and I've had to work to let a lot of things go. Knowing what I know now, I have had moments when I think I might have walked away from my relationship (I don't feel that way all the time because I love my husband and when SSs are not around, our relationship is good, but when his kids are around and we're catering to them like entitled little princes or when BM is kicking up a fuss over something that she has no right to fuss over, then I truly think "why did you do this to yourself?!")

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So ummm... You should ALWAYS be his TOP PRIORITY. The skids may be his top responsibility (you're an adult) but if you're not his top priority then the relationship is a bit one sided don't you think? Just food for thought.

ndc's picture

I'm a single, childless woman like you, dating a man with 2 kids. His are girls, closer in age and have the same mother. We currently have separate homes even though we spend almost every night together, because I'm not going to rush into one of us moving in with the other until I'm very comfortable with how things are going with the kids, the ex, and his parenting. It's worth the expense of maintaining two places until I'm very confident about all of that. I feel respected and like a priority or I wouldn't be in the relationship, and his ex is sane, stable and cooperative. I'm waiting to move in together until we have more time under our belts and I've made sure that the signs of Disney Dad syndrome have disappeared (he's getting better). If I thought there was a good likelihood (as opposed to the chance that always exists) that the kids would be moving in full time, or if I was not respected by the kids or prioritized by SO, or if there was a high conflict BM, I'd be gone. I don't think that's selfish at all - you have to take care of yourself, especially if you're not someone else's priority. Life is too short to live in a situation where you're not comfortable in your own home and you're not your partner's priority. Frankly, I don't think I could live with the situation you've described, and I most definitely would not get a house together with him unless and until you can get comfortable with the situation.

Harry's picture

How is he going to take care of his DS if he moves in full time. ???
Did you asked him how son moving in is going to work. ? Who getting him to school, ? what he going after school. ?
Who going to fake him if you go away ? Who cooking ? Who cleaning ? Doing homework ?

Merry's picture

You sound so sad. But it's terrific that you know yourself well enough to know that you will feel trapped, and you will resent not having free weekends, etc. That is not selfish. It's how you're put together. These are not your children, and you don't love them as a parent does. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact it's normal.

Add the issues with your SO as well -- seeking advice from other women because he thinks you're wrong? That's not ok. How you feel is how you feel. If he truly cares for you he would want you to feel good. All he's doing is justifying to himself that you are wrong. That is not what a partner does. It's like telling you you SHOULD like cabbage when you don't, because HE likes cabbage. He sees himself as more important than you, and therefore right. Totally not healthy.

Please don't move in with him and don't marry him. If it's not good now, it won't be good later. It will get much worse.

Aniki's picture

You need to seriously consider the fact that he could end up with full custody of one or BOTH skids at any time. If you do NOT want to live with children, move on.

Rags's picture

While it is possible that your concerns are unlikely to happen.... the odds of them not happening are about slim and none IMHO. There are a few key take aways from your original post. * This guy is a serial breeder with two women neither of which he is still with.. HUGE RED FLAG HERE!!!!! Why on earth would you line up to be baby mama #3 with someone who has already demonstrated, repeatedly, that he doesn't have what it takes to be a stable partner or father? While I completely recognize that it could be that BM1 and BM2 are entirely to blame for the drama... the common denominator remains THIS GUY!!!!! * You are feeling resentful over something that hasn't even happened yet. Listen to your gut. Why would you even consider remaining in a situation that the mere thought of makes you feel resentful? :? * Feelings of love is not actually love. Neither are the tingly feelings anyone gets in their nether regions. Love is action. If he were taking the actions of love towards you he would be clearly demonstrating that by getting his baby mama/kid issues under control. Apparently he isn't doing that. So, quit letting emotion get in your way, grow some testicular fortitude, and own your life instead of allowing your emotions to ruin your life. All IMHO of course. Good luck.

notsosureanymore's picture

I am in this situation, and speaking from experience, I would get out if I wasn't already so deep into it. I married my husband who has 2 boys (same mom though). I am the only girl in the house, and I am the outsider. I am okay with being number 3, I actually prefer it so I can have alone time. But my husband wants me to be more involved with the children. I was at the beginning, but after 5 years of being the scape goat, pouring my heart into his family and getting crap in return, I have disengaged. My husband is unhappy with the family dynamic. There is a lot that goes into this, and if you do stay, make sure you are ready for the uphill battle. If you want a simpler life, you may want to pick a different route.

RST's picture

'wish I did just so I could put another life as a priority over my partner'

It's you, you are the other life that takes priority over your partner.  If you're already resentful about weekends you wouldn't have to relax when you're not even in that situation yet you're answering your own questions, go with your gut feeling.