30.

Do not get involved ever with the children, be yourself from day one and do not feel sorry for any child from a broken home, regardless divorce or death of a parent.

Have boundaries from day one, with skid and ex and partner

Never combine finances in any way or form, first time the guy ask you to pay for something cause he forgot his wallet at home, see it as a trend and remind him every time to take his wallet Sticking out tongue

I think the best thing you can do is learn and move on. Last night at my house I had an opportunity to use what I had learned as a step mom with my new husband. He is 48 and never had children, he was upset over something and then realized that I was right it was not a hill to die over with BS9 ( just because that is not how his mother would have handled it doesn't mean it is the right thing) . He ended up hugging my son, telling him that he was sorry for over reacting and they both told each other that they loved each other put it aside and moved on and had a really great night.

I ended up explaining that one of my regrets is that I got upset over stupid things that really didn't matter and didn't just enjoy the fact that they were really good kids and to cut them some slack at times.

The important thing is to learn from our experiences move on and be better.

Don't, but if you do...disengage from the get go..

Old enough to have known better....LOL

29.

disengage from the start!

I was 30 when I met DH. He was 35. I had no children. SSs were 3 and 5. That was almost 18 years ago, so my SSs are now grown at 21 and 23. My biggest advice to my former self would be to relax and not be so uptight about the house, picky eaters, etc. I really let these things get to me and stress me out. After I had my own children with DH, I realized a lot of what bugged me about SSs are just things "kids" do. Not only was I raised an only child, but I had not really been around little ones before. I created a lot of stress and tension in my life and marriage that was unnecessary. Now oldest SS has DDs who are 2 and 4. When they come to visit, I try not to get too uptight about the house and worry about spilled milk, juice, crums, etc., things that drove me crazy in my 20's and 30's.

On the ultimate issue of whether I would marry a man with children again, I say 110% I'd marry DH again in a heartbeat. He is truly the love of my life and, while we are not perfect and our life is not perfect, I love him now more than ever. I especially am glad we made it to see my SSs grown, as now our lives are 90% just DH and our 2 DSs together, since SSs live a couple hours away and have their own lives.

I have a child and am 33, but still I would have told myself to GO SLOW!!!! Get to know the BM and Step child WELL first before deluding yourself into thinking all will work itself out bc you two are in love like I did. Keep separate residences and separate finances until you are SURE you want to take on the conflict, heartache and drama blended families bring. I hope sincerely that your situation works out for you.

Its a REALLY big decision. Much bigger than I had thought. I do not know if I would marry by DH again knowing everything I know now. And thats heartbreaking to type. But I think if I had laid down some ground rules for boundaries in the beginning, I may be in a different place with him now.

I was 24 when I met and started dating XH. I had plenty of people tell me to run but I was young and stupid and blind. I would tell myself to run as fast as I can. DO NOT date a man with a kid or a man who you family dislikes. I spent a lot of years unhappy and in an abusive relationship just trying to "prove them all wrong" I gave up a lot for that marriage.

And then I did it again. I was 42 when I met my DH. Now granted, he isn't abusive and is the opposite of my XH in every way possible. But I would not have gotten married or lived together until the SS's were grown and gone. Luckily things worked out and is very non confrontational with the BM compared to what it was in the beginning. But I would have saved myself a few years of hell had I said No to marriage until the kids were grown.

46, childless.

I was in an abusive situation with ex BF, went to live with my parents, so my folly goes back, before my situation with SO. I would have left Ex BF at least 4-5 years earlier than I did, would have had a kick-a$$ job, would have said to SO, "you are not divorced yet, we need to date," instead of moving in right away. I took 1. 5 years to move in full-time, but I definitely would have said to myself, wait until after divorce. Then I would have kept separate residences for a while, until after SD17 has moved out.

Oddly enough, I am thinking about this very thing, and thinking of moving out to my own place, and going forward in life without SO. I love the man dearly, but his ties to BM (ex-wife now), and the SDs will always be there. I hate this on a daily basis, and am having trouble keeping it from consuming me, my anger.

I am a non breeding StepDad rather than a SM but.... yes... if I could go back in time I would do it all over again pretty much as I did it the first time.

I was 29 when my bride and I met and started dating. SS-24 was 15mos old. DW was 18. I was 30 and DW was a month shy of 19 when we married. We married the week before SS turned 2yo. So I guess I was not the one that gave up my younger self. DW did that when she became a mom at 16. I/we made every effort to make sure that DW and I supported opportunities for both of us to pursue our educations and careers and though she was a single teen mom for her first year of college she was able to have a successful college experience and professional career (Dual Major BS (Honors), MBA (Honors), CPA) with the accommodations that were required since she was a student, a mom and married.

Still fairly new to this journey....26 when we met not much older. I'd tell myself (and do now with therapist encouragement) its ok to need space now and then. You're not use to this yet. Going from my own everything to not only sharing with my partner but two kids every other weekend too. No wonder you need a time out now and then. Don't feel guilty just do it.

I was 33 and married into FT stepmom situation of a 4 and 8 year old girls. I would tell myself to take a step back, analyze the situation, and RUN. It has been a tough road....love is not enough.

35

Disengage, disengage, disengage.

Do not engage with his kids. I would never marry in a hurry. My DH and I lived together 2 years with my kids and his kids, all ages. It was a smart move.

The only mistake I made was to engage with SD. She was the only girl and wanted to be my friend (yea right). At the same time she detested me from day one. I let her into my life and I would never do that again.

It is in the past and I have let it go, including disengaging from this toxic woman, after 30+ years. I wish I had never engaged to begin with. I did not engage with my two grown SS's and there is respect and civility between us and always has been.

Take it slow and never try to be friends with his kids; just treat them with respect and treat them like any other person you would meet on the street. If they are young, when you meet and marry, good luck!

As far as advice, I could write a novel to my former self...

I would warn myself: "This is not going to be as easy as you think it is going to be, AJ."

My relationship with him began as a friendship when I was 23. A year later we were seriously dating.

I was 18 and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. My husband is simply the one for me and I can't imagine someone better to spend my life with, BUT I would've done things differently.,. I wouldn't of moved in together as fast and I would've spent more time with SD as "friends" before taking a caregiver role and letting myself resent her. Fortunately she was just over a year old when we met so we had lots of time to bond and when I realized we went too fast we took a break to sort of reset things. Now I can honestly say I've started to love my stepdaughter and I'm looking forward to when my first bio child arrives in 7 months so I can watch SD be the great big sister I know she will be and mesh our family together a bit more

Now we've definitely had our ups and downs and I've had times where I wished I hadn't fallen in love with someone who had a young child but ultimately I'm happy I did! I always joke that I get the two kids I imagined myself having and only have to deal with pregnancy once. Lol!

I would, in the midst of the flush of new love, do my best to be realistic about my expectations of my new other half. To know that I was NOT going to be the center of attention, and that our bond -- though okay -- was not the same as the attachment he had with his children. Not even close. I would know that a marriage to a man with children is for "badasses" (meaning courageous, mature, and mentally tough).

When DH and I married, I was 46, he was 53. I was a childless widow -- first DH struggled with brain tumor for 14 years -- and he was divorced man with three young adult kids.

Now, the SKIDs are grown, all live in town, and all have kids of their own. DH is over helping his kids with grandbabies three times a week, including both Saturday and Sunday. He also has elderly father who needs his attention. Though I have deep affection for all, I had NO idea how hard it would be feeling I was "competing" for my husband's attention and time, and how huge on his landscape was the life and identity he had already built. And how those parts of him would come back to the fore once our relationship was no longer new. My DH is good to me, we don't fight, he is generous and patient and non-judgmental...but with all this, his heart of hearts is with his children.

If I had this to do over, I'd think carefully about how I was going to fit in to this man's established life, and him into mine. I'd remember that his tie with his kids is longstanding and unconditional and much easier than trying to blend lives with another fully formed adult with a history and other relationships of her own. I might even suggest we not marry, but be lovers/companions who don't actually live together. I would never have considered this at the time -- we are both practicing Catholics -- but now, I wonder.

I am not saying it's not worth it; it depends on individual personalities, priorities, etc. My DH is a wonderful person. But this has been ONE HARD GIG on the heart and mind of a childless lady who had suffered loss and dreamed of being center-stage on her man's emotional landscape. For me, this relationship bears NO RESEMBLANCE to a first marriage and the "just starting out," "honeymoon," "alone together" things that come with it. I didn't marry a man: I married a family in which I now, after 10 years, am still not sure of my place.

43. Two grown bios (properly raised and launched)

Never ever again.  I would be screaming in my own ear RUN!!!

Now mind you, I've had a few dodged bullets, but I've taken more than enough bullets for the team.

My only consolation is I'm keeping Chef out of the dating population; most likely saving some OTHER woman or women from a life of 2 seconds of whirlwind romance followed by decades of indentured servitude to the BM (CS) and drudgery.   None of his brothers and nephews save one has a steady relationship.  (red flag)