This website is toxic
So, I am posting again, hoping some of the people who commented on my last post (which I have since deleted, after deleting my account all together because I was so shocked by some of the things that were said).
I made a post about how my step kids have been terrible lately, and made the mistake of saying mine and my boyfriends ages (21, 22 in a week if it helps any of you mean hearted people, and 30) and I received honestly really hateful and rude comments about how I should just leave the relationship, how 2 years is absolutely nothing (it's how long I've been with him), how I'm not their step mom and just their Dad's girlfriend and am just playing house, how my boyfriend is a pedophile for being with me, etc.
These comments to the point that I deleted my account. But after thinking about it all day, I decided I need to make an account and tell all these people something.
Me being young does not mean I take this less seriously. Yes, I am young to take on this type of role, but it's something I've done gladly. I love him and his children. No, we're not married, but his children and I exchange I love you's 20 times a day. I was the only mother figure his oldest actually had for a year. I would do ANYTHING for these kids. My heart melts when they smile at me. You cannot tell me I'm just their dad's girlfriend. For the people saying this....show me all your marriage certificates. I didn't realize this website required that to be taken seriously as someone who had taken someone else's children into their heart.
If you had asked me before I met my SO if this is where I'd be right now, I would have said you were crazy. But life is crazy and you end up places you never thought you would be. It doesn't mean I am doing anything wrong. It doesn't mean I don't understand what I've gotten myself into. I did all my partying (way too much of it honestly) in my teens. I am done with it. This type of life, with a man who loves me, it makes me happy. Not his kid's behavior lately, but what 'parent' can say they're always happy with their kids behavior?
To the absolutely disgusting person who called my boyfriend a pedophile, shame on you. Absolutely, shame on you. He is a wonderful man, who loves and respects me. Who has always treated me as his equal, never like his child. I don't look like a child and that is definitely NOT why he is attracted to me. Shame on you. We met when I was 19 and he was 27. It is quite an age gap, it is. But he is not a pedophile.
When I found this website I was relieved to find what I thought was a community where I could find support and let out frustrations and seek advice. Never did I expect any of these comments. Shame on all of the people saying these things. Obviously in any step-parent (hope I dont offend anyone by referring to myself as that again) situation, there is always the option to leave. They're always "not your kids, not your problem", but I was shocked that on a site called steptalk.org I was met with so much of this.
My point with this post is...
My point with this post is....think about the things you are saying to people on here. There is an actual banner saying that when you first log in. Do you really think being a step parent requires a marriage certificate? Is my dedication to these kids really less valid because of my age, or does this site have an age requirement I'm not aware of?
Think about the things you say to people and the judgement you pass. It was disheartening and I feel that on a site that is supposed to be the opposite for people in a situation like mine, it was just plain confusing and hurtful.
OKtoStep asks a fair question
OKtoStep asks a fair question ie why come back and berate us is you feel the site is toxic? Most of us on here have had dreadful experiences with step life - we have been abused, ignored, taken for granted, exploited. When we see a very young person entering into a potentially problematic situation, of course we are going to emphasise the pitfalls, and how hard it is going to be. I only wish someone had done that with me, nearly 20 yrs ago. I might still have gone ahead but would have done it with my eyes wide open and realised it was not me, I was not inadequate - I was placed in an impossible situation.
One of your sentences starts with "You cannot tell me..........." I think you'll find that you can't control the responses that you get here - I've occasionally been hurt and dismayed by things people have said, but by far the majority of responses are intended to save the recipient hurt, and to support them. This site has provided huge support for me and many, many others, over many years. Just remember that.
No no I definitely get that
No no I definitely get that this website can be a wonderful resource and comfort for people-and I think that's what it is supposed to be.
Some of the comments made were not meant to be hurtful, and more to warn me off of a situation that definitely could be -and honestly sometimes is- too much. BUT alot were just rude and the one about my SO being a pedophile and how I'm just their dad's girlfriend and playing house and blah blah blah......is that what this site is for?
And no of course I cant control what people say, when I said "you cannot tell me" I more meant that these people can say that all I am is "just their dad's girlfriend", but I know from my relationship with them that it's just not true.
I didn’t read the post. But
I didn’t read the post. But 99 percent of the time on here I would class the posts as ‘non fluffy’, well intentioned posts.
Some were tough love type
Some were tough love type comments....some were just plain disrespectful.
Ps I LOVE your username. I'm cackling
It's not toxic - but there
It's not toxic - but there are some people who say things they shouldn't say. Calling him a pedophile was silly, pedophiles are attracted to prepubescent children and a 19-year-old woman is far from a child. Wondering about the age gap and why he might be interested in such a young woman is fair - I feel the same way when people who are 25 marry 55-year-olds.
Anyway, the larger issue about you being young is that you have choices. Most of us are stepparents because we are childless but met our DH when we were older (and most men have kids by then), or we had kids of our own. You have the ability to find a man with NO kids and start your own family without any of the headaches of stepparenting.
I'm not one who believe stepparents should jump in and take over parenting, it's not your responsibility. Helping, maybe, but the bulk of parenting needs to be on him. Now - the kids you described are having significant issues - either they've been traumatized by things that happened to them, or they are completely unparented. So the biggest question for me was - does your BF parent them? Does BM parent them? Are there rules and structure in the home? Is your BF expecting you to be the one who disciplines?
People are trying to help you see that this is tough gig no matter your age - and starting off with two out-of-control preschoolers does not bode well for your success in this relationship.
Also - use blogs, not forum posts. Then you can delete any comments you find offensive.
The issue in the original
The issue in the original post was that recently (within the last few months) the boys started acting terribly, throwing fits all day long everyday, the oldest has these fits of rage where he throws things, hits his brother, screams at us, etc. They just have been throwing fits from the minute they wake up to the minute they go to bed . This is, like I said, VERY recently developed behavior and they're the same at their mom's house . And neither I, nor my SO, nor his ex know what to do.
They definitely both parent the children though. It isn't all just left up to me, in no way whatsoever.....it has been straining on our relationship though. But not in any detrimental way, just that it's hard to put a smile on after listening to 20, 30, 40 fits per day (for me and for him....it's been exhausting for him too.) And they just started being like this. We just have no idea what to do.
It isn't, and it never was an issue of "my boyfriend makes me take of his kids and deal with their behavior on my own", which is why I was so frustrated with the rude comments I received! He by no means is a bad man who is using my love for him to have someone to watch his kids so he doesn't have to- he knows how difficult this can be for me sometimes. It actually makes me sad when he apologizes to me for "making your life into this" after a particularly challenging day with the boys.
So, as a child mental health
So, as a child mental health professional, I'd recommend starting with the pediatrician for advice. I'd also wonder if someone is abusing these kids somewhere - day care? This is not normal, if they were fine before.
There is definitely something
There is definitely something going on, but I think it is mostly attritubed to alot of big changes for them in a very short amount of time/the majority of their very, very young lives.
Statements like "I'm sorry I
Statements like "I'm sorry I made your life like this" can be problematic because they can be used to take blame off themselves for the poor parenting decisions they make and get sympathy from the person who is hurting the most by it because they don't have the biological connection to help refill their tank (read: you).
That may sound harsh, but we've seen it multiple times on this board. It's not always nefarious. Sometimes, it's a legitimate apology, but an apology isn't what's needed. Action is. A trip to the doctor or a therapist to find out why the kid is flying into a blind rage (is he hurting, does he have a brain tumor, is he displaying signs of mental health issues, is it just pandemic stress?) is probably the first thing that needs to happen. Your BF should also be searching his own dad/parenting forums and doing his own research, too.
That's actually a question I pose a lot to people: is your partner doing the same research you are to find a solution for their children, their parenting, and/or their own psychology? If not, that's problematic. If we, as SPs, are being pushed to these kinds of sites looking for advice/support and out SOs aren't doing anything and just keep wondering what to do, then they're missing fundamental problem-solving skills. It's still not on us as SPs to fill in that gap and teach them how to solve their own problems. They have access to Google just as easily as you do.
I know that sounds harsh and sinister, but the reality is that, in your early 20s, you don't know what you don't know. We don't realize that we're idiots. We don't see the subtle cues that things are amiss. We don't realize that our peers and family may be toxic people leading us down toxic paths. We don't have enough life experience to be able to know when something is bad for us because it's veiled as being good.
Taylor Tomlinson has a stand-up special that talks about being in your 20s that's pretty spot-on, especially in relation to not having gut instincts yet (that's why you're thin in your 20s because you don't have a gut to listen to yet"). Check it out, it's pretty funny.
Anyway, I married my high school sweetheart at 22. We had been together nearly 5 years when we got married, and I thought I knew everything. I got a degree, I got a job, I was happy to be a wife. My family and frienda supported me. I knew how to save money. We were set!
Except...he was an emotionally abusive <insert expletive here> that made me question my worth. In the 8 years of our relationship, he destroyed me so slowly that no one believed me when I went to them saying I didn't know what to do. They just couldn't "see" him doing it, but knew I was an "intense" person (because someone had to work and make sure bills got paid and kept their husband happy so he didn't continue to exclude her from his life and constantly complain about how he hated everything). So, my young, inexperienced arse that knew before we got married that things were wrong kept up with it because the world reinforced I was the issue.
That is, until I left and the facade was broken. XH lived with friends and suddenly, he didn't have money to pay his share of the rent. Or, he lied and bailed on his friends, ruining at least one 15+ year friendship. My parents were SO pissed when I left because he was their "son", and it has only been in the last year or two that I've been able to tell my mom what happened and had her believe me.
That relationship taught me a LOT. It taught me which friends and family actually had my back. It taught me who in my life had VERY toxic views about women and men and how they should interact. It taught me the signs to look out for from users. It taught me that I needed to speak my mind, and if things weren't working for me that I COULD and SHOULD end it. It taught me that I need a good job with my own benefits and my own savings account. It taught me to join this site as soon as my DH and I moved in together because I'm not great at figuring out things quickly and wanted to nip issues sooner rather than later in my own behavior.
No, I'm not saying end your relationship. I'm saying that, if you stick around, everything won't be sunshine and rainbows about how we talk about your BF, because we're likely going to see things you don't. You came here for a reason, and that already puts your BF in the negative because the reasons deal with his parenting causing issues for you. Our goal here is to empower SPs and help them see possible flaws in their relationship, whether that be their partner or them. We don't sugar-coat, and we offer a wide range of perspectives.
So, stick around. You can ignore blatantly rude comments, but don't let that ones that hurt go just because they hurt. Those are likely the ones with the most to glean because they likely hit the sore spot that you've overlooked in your relationship.
Oh, and when I say "relationship", I don't just mean between you and your BF. I mean the whole package - his kids, his family, his ex, his friends, his co-workers, and all your people, too. They all influence your life in some way, and while you and your BF are the connecting pieces and should be the foundation, you can't ignore the influence that comes from those other sources.
I'm really, really sorry you
I'm really, really sorry you went through all that. I really am. I know it is really easy to get trapped in really awful relationships, and blame yourself for everything that is wrong even though you KNOW it isnt you that's the problem.
As for my SO needing to put more effort in to finding answers or a solution, I will admit that you're absolutely right about that. His fear (from our conversations we've had about it), is that there is something "wrong" with his oldest (adhd, or something of the sort) but he also is scared they've been traumatized permanently by the divorce and all the changes. Which, even at 21, I realize are not reasons to put off getting the kids sorted and helping them in ways they obviously need. As I've already said, he is a wonderful man and he doesn't force all the parenting on me, but things like this scare him in ways that aren't helpful.
No one posted "hateful"
No one posted "hateful" comments. Yes, people will "judge" you and the situation because that's how the human brain works when it's processing a question and asked to give advice.
You obviously disagree with those judgements, but that doesn't make them hateful. I don't hate you or your BF. I don't even know you. The only purpose/intent of my advice is to open your eyes to the red flags that are present and to help you avoid a life of misery.
This guy, at 28 with two tiny babies and still married (?) pursued a girl fresh out of high school with no plans for her future. There is a reason he picked you rather than a woman his own age with similar life experiences/life goals. He moved you away from your dad (no mention of mom... So your only family?).
He has "no clue" as to how to solve his toddler tantrum problems. You know what that means? He's waiting for the women to solve it. That means you. If he cant even figure out how to parent preschoolers, those boys are going to be out of control as teens.
The red flags are MASSIVE. And you can continue to get defensive. You can dismiss this advice as "hateful" simply because you don't want to hear it. I get it. I lived in denial for a loooong time. It's hard to see what's real instead of what we want to see.
I never once told you to leave because I never left my abusive, controlling, much older first BF until I was ready and knew my worth.
You are worth more than this. Just keep a careful eye on how controlling this guy gets. I wish I would have listened to my gut instead of my heart at 21. Love is not enough. And when his controlling/predator behavior starts escallating, please, please, please GTFO.
.....I'm not gonna lie I'm
.....I'm not gonna lie I'm still pissed at you, but I do respect this comment.
OP it's understandable when
OP it's understandable when you are living in your world of normal to be shocked/hurt/surprised when you share your normal with other people who find it not normal. I don't think that equates to this site being toxic.
I didn't see your original post, but how did you and your SO meet? Was he still married when you met? How do your parents feel about the relationship? How do your friends feel about it? Where is the ex wife in all of this? You say you recently moved...why? Just curious, trying to get some background to understand.
I didn't read everyone's
I didn't read everyone's comments and I'm pretty sure I did read your original post. (Could be wrong though)
That being said, I met my SO at 29 and he was 38 about to be 39. He is 9 years and 3 months older then me to be exact. NOW, had I met him at 19 to compared to 29 there is not a chance in hell I would have even looked his way with the baggage he came along with. I fortunately got to do a ton of stuff in my 20s (vacations, partying, etc.) while always working full time and providing for myself. (I was out at 20) .
My SO got married at 24 and banged out 3 kids by the time he was 30. He didn't get to experience 1/100 of the things I did because he got married young and had kids young. Now he will be 44 in a few months and his youngest is 13 and he is almost at the point of where he can finally live his life without raising kids. Now... do you want?
Even though you are young, and stated that you have "lived" you really haven't. Sorry but that's the truth. He clearly have your entire life ahead of you and I'm sure your SO is a nice/good guy but, you don't know what you're in for and I'm going to guess that most of the comments on your original post were stating just that. Some of them have kids your age so they are probably speaking to you as if you were their child in this situation.
I know, for fact, if you were one of my steps i would tell you to RUNNNN.
Not trying to be mean or rude. Just being honest!
EDIT: My best friends little sister is 22 and told me she was "talking" to a guy who was early 30s (I think) with two kids. Ya know what I said... WTFFFF is she doingggg??!! So pretty much what I'm trying to convey to you.
To piggyback off of Beebeel's
To piggyback off of Beebeel's timeline of events, I just want to make sure I have the facts straight:
Those are the facts, now here's the "read between the lines" breakdown
What I'm assuming many of the posters there, and again here in this thread, are doing is showing you how textbook example your relationship is in early steplife. I like to use bullet points so here we go:
Wow. If I had a dime for
Wow. If I had a dime for every time I've read that exact story on here . . . .
Um.....
Um.....
To clarify, I didn't have any falling outs with my Dad, I lived in a roommate situation after highschool because it worked out that I was able to while completing post secondary, as I previously stated.
I have a great relationship with my Dad, definitely no Daddy issues here.
I work in childcare after completing a 2 year ELCC course, I'm just currently not looking into any more courses as I just moved to a new province and started a new job, so that's enough new things for me.
And never once did I say "I'm the most emotionally mature person ever". Who even really is a well-rounded, emotionally mature person?
Your assumptions might not completely wrong, but alot of them are and for god sake I just posted in the first place looking to vent about the current situation.
But your current situation
But your current situation didn't just magically "pop-up" unless the kids just now started showing symptoms of mental health issues (which is possible, but if that is truly the case, your BF being scared isn't a good excuse for not addressing the health needs of his children).
In less than 3 years, which would be the vast majority of preschoolers' lives, the kids have 1) experienced the divorce of their parents, 2) had to learn how to live in two households, 3) have had to form a relationship with their father's new romantic partner, 4) had to learn how to live with their father's romantic partner, 5) had to move and become comfortable in an entirely new environment (moving is one of the top human stressors), and 6) learn to live in a pandemic world that requires masks, social distancing, limited playing with friends and visits with family, etc.
You, as an adult, are stressed enough that you can't/won't take on any more. As an adult, you have the choice to breathe a bit. Your SKs, though, haven't had a moment to breathe in three years, and they don't have the skills to speak up and say "hey, this is REALLY stressful, parents, and it would be GREAT if things could be stable for a while".
Nearly their entire lives have been turmoil, and that leaves a lasting impression. I'm not surprised they are acting out. What I AM surprised, and saddened, by is your BF not recognizing that all this change is bad for his kids. That he didn't take a breath after his divorce and allow his kids to deal and heal before bringing in a new partner - and not just introducing a new partner, but moving in with a new partner and then moving away with a new partner.
While I am sure that this has been super exciting for you, this has to be utterly terrifying to the kids. Even if BM initiated the divorce and had a new beau lined up, that didn't give your BF permission to do the same. So, the situation, in part, has likely been contributed to by your BF, and his excuse of not knowing what to do and being scared is unacceptable. Point blank.
My SKs lived through this with BM. She left when YSS was a year old. Moved away from DH, who was finishing up his military contract, and immediately had a new boyfriend. Moved new boyfriend in, divorced DH, married new boyfriend, and then moves every few years. BM pushed her now-XH as the new "daddy", then ripped him away when she was done with him. Recently married her BF who she was with for 4 weeks. In the near decade I have been in the picture, BM has moved four times, left XH 3 times, has had at least 4 boyfriends that met the boys, and I've lost track how many jobs she has had.
That instability has fueled my OSS's fear of failure and has caused anger and apathy issues in YSS. Had BM taken a breath and plotted out her course better, much of those issues could have been avoided. But, she pursued what she wanted without thought of how it impacted her kids.
Hopefully I'm wrong, but I see that happening with both your BF and his XW. Sure, it's fun and exciting for you, and likely even for your BF who is getting to relive his early 20s vicariously through you. But the damage that is causes is very real to his kids. Even if the end results are good, the journey is traumatic. His kids needed time to heal, and not just a few months or a year. Especially since your BF chose a much younger GF (and yes, that does matter).
Honestly, your BF needs to get his act together whether he's scared or not and fix what he likely helped cause. The kids' behavior likely isn't independent of your BF's life decisions. You can't disconnect one from the other. Your BF has to learn and understand that his actions and inactionss have contributed to this behavior. And HE has to fix it, both by getting his kids therapy and changing his own behavior to stop contributing to the problems. As a parent, he no longer has the luxury of just doing what he wants because he can handle it. His kids aren't as resilient because they don't have the skills to adapt.
Wow, even I needed to hear
Wow, even I needed to hear that! While my Skids are spoiled jerks, I do have some compassion and understanding as to how they turned out to be--their parents acting selfishly in the way that you've described, Lieutenant. The disappointments and constant changes and the insecurities and anger it all causes. They asked for none of it and didn't deserve it.
(Still, they are responsible as adults to act like "decent" human beings, right? Hmm.)
Meh.... when I was 20, I
Meh.... when I was 20, I thought I knew everything, raised myself, independent, smart. Now that I'm in my 40s, I can see how inexperienced I was at life. I'm sure I'll say this when I'm in my 60s about my 40s. No younger person wants to hear it but it is the truth.
Right on!
Right on!
I would also like to add
Maybe it is because I'm on the site on my phone, but everything keeps getting jumbled up in terms of what comment I am trying to respond to versus what comment I actually end up responding to.
So sorry for any confusion this causes anyone.
I promise my SO did not prey on me while he was still married. His ex ended their marriage after she met someone else and we met completely by accident.
That's not why people think
That's not why people think he preyed on you. They think it because he was nearly 30 with kids and started dating someone seriously who was barely out of high school and not even old enough to drink.
As someone who isn't much older than your BF, it creeps me out thinking that someone my age would date someone with is my OSS's age. In fact, if my OSS said he was dating someone within 5 years of my age, I'd immediately think they are preying on him for some reason. Perhaps it's just that they're selfish and want to feel better about dating someone young. But, it's also entirely possible that it's because he is young, naive, and more easily manipulated. It just feels icky, both because I have a SK not much younger than you (he's 18) and because I'm not much older than your BF. It just feels wrong, and I would (and have) called out my friends if they started dating anyone not old enough to drink.
I've met plenty of 19 year
I've met plenty of 19 year olds by chance. Most of them are my SS's friends. I've never once thought about having a sexual relationship with any of them. I would need some bleach treatments to the eyes if I ever found one of them sexually attractive. (Ahhhh!) Also, why would I want to saddle some kid with my baggage? Especially if I liked or loved this person? I have a 4 year old and a 20 year old SS. They are both "my boys," "our kids."
He didn't have to date you just because you met and he thought you were sexy.
Come back and read your posts
Come back and read your posts in 5-10 years. LOL
Sigh.
Your age difference is irrelevant and a non issue. I met my DW of 26 years when she was 18 and I was 29. We married when I was 30 and a month before she turned 19. I was no pedophile and she was no child. She will be 45 in a few days. We have had a great life. We raised my SS-28 together. He is a wonderful man of character and standing in his life, career and community. He was 15mos old when we met. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
A concern of mine then and for the first several years of our marriage was that I wanted to ensure that she had every opportunity to pursue her education and dreams. She was a single teen mom at 16. We met the last year of my 11 year undergrad career and her first semester of college. I needn't have worried. She is not one to let anyone interfere in her goals. In the first 10 years of our marriage she completed a dual major BS with honors and we both completed an MBA with honors and she completed her CPA.
Do not put aside your goals in life for this guy and his children. If you can't do it all now, then put the relationship and family on hold until you can do it all.
Now for your thin skin. If you are going to let random people who you do not know off of a web community that clearly announces itself as a place were step parents come to vent get your panties in a wad you have about zero chance at both a successful adult relationship or being a successful step parent. Many of us love our SOs and our Skids. That does not mitigate the crap that goes along with being in a blended family marriage/relationship. the toxic Xs, the lippy ill behaved failed family breeding experiments, the invasive lippy ILs, the know it all people in the world who have an opinion about how crappy you are as a parent or that you aren't a REAL parent, etc, etc, etc.....
If you cannot handle the opinion of people who have gone before you down the primrose path of SParental martyrdom then you will have about zero chance of being a SParent yourself or in having a viable equity life partnership with a prior relationship breeder.
Now.... Listen, learn, take what will work for you, ignore what won't, and be ready. The SParental shit will hit the fan in your life. It always does. Kids flip their shit, SOs get all bent out of shape about how you don't like their kids, they go all Disney Dad/Mom, and if you are confident, assertive and involved you might just be able to drag them all back into the realm of reasonableness by the short and curlies.
It can be amazing, but is is work. Oh so much work. It can be the most fulfilling experience you can have in life, it certainly has been for me, but you never stop earning it. Whether it is with the blind side bullshit from the blended family opposition, his X, your X, the Skids, your family, his family, friends, etc, etc, etc.... or the invariable "Your not my mom/dad." comments from the skids, something I have not experienced but many have, or you envying that you will not have the shared experience of sharing his "first" child while having your first child, Skids who are jealous of your own children with their dad, etc.... The what ifs are infinite in blended family adult relationships.
I like your spunk. I look forward to hearing about your SParent journey. But.... forewarned is forearmed. The shit storm is always on the horizon in the SParent world. If you know it is looming, you have a chance at a successful blended family relationship/marriage.
Your age and his age are irrelevant.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
So, suck it up butter cup and take every step into your future as a Sparent and SO to a breeder with your eyes wide open. You will need that if you are going to succeed.
Welcome by the way.