Today was worse (but enlightening)
Moving on from my last topic I posted, of which there was MUCH controversy but I'm going past it cause...well in the spirit of healthy debate I guess?
As anyone who is familiar with my last topic knows, we've been having some recent behavioral issues developing with my SO's 3 and 4 year old sons in the last few months.
They both throw fits from the minute they wake up until the minute they go to bed. Over everything, nothing, and all that in between. They've also been exhibiting some really just cruel behavior towards our two dogs which for me is a HUGE no.
But anyways, the oldest (4) has been having extreme fits of rage over the smallest things. He screams at us, at things falling over by accident, he throws and breaks anything and everything, is violent towards his younger brother, etc.
It is our time with the kids this last week and all week has been just a constant crapstorm. ALL WEEK. So finally my SO asked if his Mom (who lives 20 mins away from us) would take them for the night (he works out of town for 2 weeks at a time so the only time I see him is when he's home, which is also when we have his kids as well which is extremely stressful being that 6 AM to 7 PM is a constant fit) so we could have a night to be together. We ended up picking the oldest one up the next day and his mum kept the 3 year old for another night.
Oldest was right back to his old self. Still some fits, but the normal 4 year old amount. Then as soon as we mentioned to him that we were going to get his brother after lunch today, within 10 minutes he was trying to kick the dog. He was fine in the car afterwards, but as soon as we got back in the car with his younger brother as well it was screaming and hitting and throwing things at his dad while he was driving, etc. I was doing the dishes after supper and I looked over just in time to see him stomping on his brother's ankle.
His oldest lived with just me and his dad for a year, so I think that the issue here is adjusting to being with his brother full time again (which is a HUGE adjustment...not just for a child but for anyone?) and extreme jealously that is presenting itself in really unhealthy ways.
Me,him and his ex have all talked about the oldest maybe coming with us a day earlier and leaving a day later when it's our time with them, so he has some extra days where it's just me, him and Dad again, and him coming to stay a few days with me while his Dad is working (I'm not working on weekends anyways and this boy is an angel when it is just me and him). Everyone is on board with that if it helps oldest to transition versus completely readjust.
But my question for anyone with experience with this is, will doing it this way help oldest or will it cause even more distance/separation and feelings of resentment and jealousy towards his brother?
(BE AWARE it is not just me trying to come up with these solutions, I have discussed this site with SO now as well as me, SO and his ex have discussed going about things from this approach to see if it will help while we're all waiting for oldest to be able to see someone about issues he may be dealing with (which is so SO sad to say about a 4 year old my god 
)
What are the consequences for his behavior?
What are the consequences for his behavior? What is your SO doing when SS acts out? Has he been seen by his pediatrician? If you all think it is because of his younger brother, perhaps some therapy would help.
When you say he lived with just you and his Dad - did you have full custody? Why didn't you have the younger boy for a year? If you give a complete background on the previous custody situation, it might be helpful.
You need to protect your dogs at all costs. If he hurts one of them and they bite him, you will have a real mess on your hands. Is there somewhere else they can stay, at least temporarily?
Having read your post, it
Having read your post, it sounds to me as if there may be an element of frustration for the 4yo. How verbal is he? How well does he express himself? Does he hear well? When was the last time he had a check-up and did anyone discuss his behaviour with the doctor?
" Still some fits, but the normal 4 year old amount."
Just for the record, tantrum fits are not a given for a 4 yo ...
He definitely gets frustrated
He definitely gets frustrated very easily and rage seems to be the only emotion he recognizes when he's in stressful situations. He's very verbal, like he doesn't have any issues actually saying what he is angry about but his reactions are out of proportion to what happened.
He had a check up right before the covid stuff happened, and his mom actually took him to a specialist because she thought he might be on the spectrum.
*I realize I worded that badly, I meant by normal 4 year old amount it was just whining a bit because he wanted another treat after dinner, not the extreme fits of rage*
Please seek some professional
Please seek some professional help with this. None of this is normal, including his extreme reaction to his younger brother.
I put in your last post a
I put in your last post a list of reasons why both kids may be behaving the way they are - because their lives have been in turmoil for years, which is most of their lives. For OSS, he has the added stressor of getting a new brother and then losing a year (1/4 of his life) of bonding and learning how to interact with him.
Changing up custody doesn't teach OSS how to deal with his stressors. It removes some of them, but that is only a short-term solution. OSS has to learn how to interact with his brother, and that comes from teaching him. That's a skill none of you have because it's something that needs to be addressed by a professional.
And this is an armchair diagnosis. This may have nothing to do with jealousy and the two boys have just learned this is how they should interact with one another. Do they get age-appropriate consequences for their behavior? What does your BF do to de-escalate these situations and help bring the tone down with the boys? What kinds of activities does he engage with them in, and what types of media are they exposed to (even through your BF)?
Before going through with a crazy custody change (again, yet another change in a young life of turmoil), get the kid evaluated and find out the actual cause.
I agree that changing custody
I agree that changing custody yet again is only going to compound the problem. Why did these parents separate the brothers for so long?? Did mom have regular visitation during that year? How old is biomom? The decision making so far has been...seriously lacking in forethought.
My advice is to seek out a
My advice is to seek out a behavioral therapist in conjuction with a counselor or therapist that specializes in family care. They can determine if your stepkid is on the spectrum or if there's any other factors presenting themselves. We are currently doing this with my SK, who is being examined for displaying signs of autism (Aspergers specifically, but that is an outdated term I'm told).
But, the reason we decided to go the route of counseling and behavioral therapy is because my SK also displayed a lot of violent and rigid behavior. SK has a very hard time adapting to change, to the introduction of new siblings, to any form of discipline or the like. She was around 4-5 years old when these characteristics were starting to become a huge problem. She has trouble with: emotional maturity/sensitivity, fixation on one subject, odd speech patterns,social difficulties (understands no nuance, sensory problems with texture/food/fabric, rigid movement or robot-like motor skills, etc
We just started this within the past several months, so I can't give you a thumbs up or down on how severe it is and if it is at all what you're experiencing with your SK... but if there's any doubt at all, I would start at the very least with a therapist and see what they recommend.
As far as your SO and your interactions: the #1 thing is keeping the rest of the family safe. That means dogs, silbings, and you. When the 4yo is around, they cannot be left unsupervised or able to grab at a dog or sibling-- that means the likely the dog needs to be separated from him until he stops that behavior. Kids are harder to corral, I get it-- but your SO really needs to be present for all interactions between his two kids, and keep a hawkeye on them. We had to do this very thing about 6 months ago, I was not left alone with my SK because she was intent on hurting my biological child. It sucked because we had to rearrange everyones schedules-- including BM's-- but it is what HAD to be done in order for the kids to not have negative interactions
Time for these little boys to
Time for these little boys to learn that their behavioral choices result in a stinging butt and standing in a remote isolated corner with their nose holding the intersecting walls apart for hours on end. Particularly the eldest one.
Get him some therapy in parallel to the zero tolerance structure for his behavior.
Good luck.
All IMHO of course.
Lather, rinse, repeat.