Welcome. Tell us the rest of your story.

We have a saying around here. Kids may be your first responsibility but your spouse is your first priority. Or something like that.

Personally, I don't think we're in competition. And people who find their kids are not "accepted" had better take a cold hard look at their kids' behavior before they go wagging their fingers at other adults.

"Honey, you obviously need a lobotomy." Ha! Too bad you didn't use that line. I've heard from other SMs too that, somewhat like this site, there are non-SMs who literally have the time to troll SMs sites, and ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK, as you say, every chance they get. Like you, I just think what a messed up mind you must have to go on a website that is clearly meant for SMs and try to a) act like you are a SM or "just curious," and b) turn around and attack as soon as you have your "proof," and tell them what a bunch of hos they must all be.

It is good to get differing opinions, but if kids come before all else no matter what, fine, but make sure your partner knows that before you get too involved, that is all I can say. Like I remember someone said once here, if a man insists on putting his kids first and foremost, forsaking all others, that makes him about as attractive as a grizzled old sailor with syphilis.

And, really, when you think about it, if she has kids and he has kids, and they are both trying to make sure their kids come first, pow!, what a disaster waiting to happen. Like ChiefGrownup says, we are not in a competition. There is dad's wife or SO, his children, and his ex-. These are all different roles. Unless dad/DH sets it up that way, and some do unfortunately, there should be no competition going on whatsoever. Maybe a little time envy here and there, but that is about it.

It's amazing to me how ANGRY the general population gets at Stepmoms who insist that their needs matter, too. Like...a visceral, gut-level anger from people who have no idea what the stepmom is going through and have never lived it. Very strange.

That is so true. If you are the SM who has no desire to become an active Mother figure to your DH's children then you are the Devil, at least in their eyes.
Fact is, I never wanted to be a mother to my SS's. Never, not once. I told my DH that early on. They have a mother, and a father, they don't need another mom.
My role is to back up DH in his parenting...plain and simple. I don't want to run the show or be the bad guy.
Yet I am seen as a terribly cold hearted person by BM because I don't want to give up my entire life to ensure the SS's every whim, desire and command is met.
And on the flip side, if I were to jump in with both feet and take on a major parenting role, I would be met with conflict again. BM would accuse me of overstepping my role, trying to turn her kids against her, blah blah blah.

It's a no win.

"Kids come before all else."

Well, we know why her marriage failed.

I'm friends with this poor deluded soul on FB and she was posting about how she can't wait to find a man that loves her kids as much as she does. I tried to tell her that it's kind of an unreasonable expectation to place on someone since they aren't biologically his. She got very pissed off and said that she could love anyone's child as her own so she expects that out of anyone she dates. I told her she was going to be setting herself up for disappointment because the real world is very different than "happy family" fantasy land.

lol, been there done that.

I got some responses like that... but they weren't all that many of them.

Most of the responses I received were along the lines of what we get here.

And I believe the non-SMs that have time to troll and attack is because they are living pretty much scott free off of CS.