You are here

Stepmother who dislikes children

Nurse-mouse's picture

I have been with my husband for around 5 years, married for around 2 and a half. He has 3 children, 2 grown up children from his previous marriage (who have had their issues with me and I with them over the years, understandable as they are very close to my age) over the years we have come to understandings, and I get on extremely well with his daughter now (23)
He has a 7 year old son from a previous relationship, who isnt his biologically, but he got together with the mother before he was born and promised to raise him as a son even after they split up when he was around 15 months old.
I met my husband when the youngest was just turned 2, and I had always been very open about my general dislike of children. (I feel about children the way some people feel about pets, in small doses they are sweet and funny and cute, and never want to see harm happen to one, but just do not want them in the house)
As our relationship grew I tried my hardest to like/love his youngest son, and for a while when he was younger I thought I could actually do it, like/love a child.
Over the past year or so I have come to realise I barely tolerate the child. I find him extremely rude, with horrible manners and the way he speaks to everyone just sets my teeth on edge. He is extremely immature and babyish in his actions and mannerisms, apart from when it comes to computers and video games, then he is like a stroppy teenager.
His mother doesn't work and personally I think she is a poor excuse for a mother, a view which the husband shares though he claims he has given up trying to reason with her.
We have his son every fortnight for a weekend, and ice found myself scheduling myself to work as much as possible the weekends we have him.
The 12 days in between having him I am extremely happy, and I love my husband very much but lately I have been lying awake at night worrying that love is not enough.
I really don't know what to do, I'm not sure I can face the next 5 - 10 years of feeling like this every other weekend.
I have tried to talk to my husband about how I am feeling, but he just does not seem to get it, and gets defensive when I (very childishly) lash out at him about his decisions he made before I came on the scene. I know it's irrational but sometimes it does make me feel better to hear him admit that he wished he never got involved with the mother.

Nurse-mouse's picture

When I agreed to marry him was the phase where things were going really well with the little man. I thought my feelings would only grow, it's these past 18 months... Where I'm sure all children develope attitudes and are disrespectful when I am finding it hard to cope

Nurse-mouse's picture

Thanks, I think I needed some perspective. Also spoke properly with the husband, writing it out helped put what I was feeling into words. Partly I also feel it is guilt, because the child is 7, what rational person dreads the company of a seven year old so much. Sounds stupid but it made me feel better that husband admits he finds his relationship with his daughter difficult as they have nothing in common, where as we actually get on very well and I see her more than he does as we have common interests.
Part of the problem is a general dislike/disinterest in children, and the fact that he is so 'boy' and obsessed with all things superhero and sci fi and things I really could not give a flying fig about. Our one shared interest is Lego, though the thought of spending 3 hours dealing with his insolent attitude and the headache of close busy work makes me very apprehensive of embarking on anymore Lego projects.
Thanks for letting me rant

epiphany's picture

If you can't handle one kid once a fortnight then there really is no hope I'm afraid. You can always go out. I'm sorry it's just I would kill to only have to deal with kids once a fortnight! It really is the absolute minimum for a parent and it's not that much at all. I don't think I'd even notice, but then I make sure I am out most weekends. You should too.

If the kid is disrespectful towards you, it's definitely not worth you trying to build a meaningful relationship with him seeing him once every two weeks.

My half sister only sees her child once a fortnight. Some parents are just beyond belief. No wonder kids grow up mentally unstable. One of their parents is more like an aunt or uncle.

Nurse-mouse's picture

Well, I left him and that woman's child.
I don't want a life with children in it.
I still don't believe that my husband truly loves the child as a son, and I feel he is just trapped.
If he saw that child as his own would be have said he would dropbthe visits to inline with my working weekends (about once a month) or even consider walking away from the child. Although that is a side issue. The issue is me. But I will miss him

LikeMinded's picture

I think we all get into these things thinking that it will work out. I too get along great with one SKID but not with the other. The other has special needs and is very hard to love.

Many of us have good intentions, but then we just don't bond withh the child (just like we don't always bond with grown ups).

I'm sorry your relationship didn't make it... but I'm happy for you that you are going to be free. Now you can focus on your life.

Smile

Nurse-mouse's picture

I just have to keep telling myself I'm doing the right thing. No matter how much I want to tell the child's mother she has no right allowing the facade to continue. And I hope my husband realises that this child is his son and stops trying to pretend he is (regardless of him continuing in the child's life)