SS bio mom passed away...
Ok I need some help/advice. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, his son is now 14. I have no children of my own. My SS mother has recently passed away and SS is now living with us full time. With the move it involves moving to a new town and changing schools. The issue I'm encountering is that my husband is a push over. When it comes to any kind of discipline my husband is still just trying to be his best friend and not his father. So of course I'm always the one that looks like a jerk because I have a voice. I've discussed this several times with my husband telling him that we need to be on the same page and he agrees but never verbalizes it to SS. Does anyone else have this problem? I'm sick of everyday being the only one to say walk the dogs, did you feed the dog?, did you take the trash out?.. etc. I'm sure he just thinks I'm a jerk. UGH.
YES YES YES! I stopped
YES YES YES!
I stopped asking, I ask my bios now only to do chores and help around the house. DH turned into Disney Dad with SD9 when she reported "I don't want to live here anymore or come to visit ever again because BM doesn't make me clean my room or empty the dishwasher" DH then told me "she doesn't need two mom's"
It was lovely...Now, I don't ask, I play the fun Auntie roll with her, take her to dinner, watch a movie play a game, but I don't provide care anymore.
I don't sign school papers, I don't assign chores, I don't correct her naughty, I don't pick up after her....
I just don't
I've disengaged from the parenting...not my monkey, not my circus, not my problem. When DH wants to parent together again, I will help again... but while he is playing "FUN" parent so SD will "be happy here"...I'm not helping!
I've thought about that but
I've thought about that but now that he is living with us full time that is going to be tough. Starting the new year at some point we are set up to be foster/adoptive parents so we can't have one set of rules for one kid and not the other. So aggravating!!
We have 4 kids...darling
We have 4 kids...darling little SD gets away with it all, and the other 3 don't.
She is the youngest and the others do notice, and will correct her or ask her why she acts out and refuses to do her chores but I can tell you that they all have their personal opinion about why SD gets off the hook, and "DH" has "talks" with her about following the same rules (or so he says, he does it in "private")
If your parenting the foster kids but not SS, hopefully DH would notice and want to be on the same page, also it makes MORE work for DH, and can get him to participate more I've noticed from time to time in our house.
Yes, he is in counseling.
Yes, he is in counseling.
Dysfunctional BM doesn't even
Dysfunctional BM doesn't even begin to describe it.
Wow. My heart goes out to
Wow. My heart goes out to SS.
You've received good advice. Ss needs counseling from someone who has a track record of helping teens. Hopefully the person he's seeing currently is that person. You should also seek out couples counseling.
Ss new school can help too. Maybe you/dh could call his school for two purposes. One, to get a hold of/enlist the help of the school psychologist. Two, to ask the psychologist if there are any other kids at the school who've lost a parent. You/dh could ask the psychologist to help facilitate a relationship between ss and these kids and/or start a support group. Ss could really benefit from having the support of kids his own age who've been dealing with what he's dealing with.
Ok I'll clear up a few
Ok I'll clear up a few things. Yes, he is in counseling (reluctantly) but he is going. She didn't pass away yesterday and the question I was asking about has been ongoing for years. A little background info, SS has been begging to live with us for 2 years now. We have a total different household than his mothers. There he would be able to play xbox for 12 hours a day and be isolated in his room for days if he wanted. He had no chores, no responsibilities was never asked about homework.. nothing.. He would spend weekends with us and the entire summer. He has chores, responsibilities, a pet and knowing all this he still begged to live with us. Over the summer we went for custody when my DH returned from deployment. We lost, the judge determined even though he is 14 and wants to live with dad SS would have to change schools and leave an area where his adult 1/2 sisters lived. :? :?
So I understand that some people say it should solely be a one parent responsibility but I don't see that working when we do start to foster children. I grew up with my parents fostering and everyone was treated equally as they should be.
She passed away within the
She passed away within the last few years, correct? So although it may not have been yesterday, it was still fairly recently. And it certainly happened at a crucial, already-difficult age for him.
You should go to couples counseling to sort these issues out with your DH. Do that before you start fostering (which I commend you for) so you can get on the same page.
I would try to get you and
I would try to get you and your husband to agree on chores that the kids should be doing and then to agree on some rewards if he gets them all done without being asked and/or some consequences if he doesn't do them. Write it all done on paper, and maybe even make a weekly chart for the fridge to monitor and remind everyone. Then sit down with your SS and explain that everyone contributes to the household and that these are his chores and he needs to remember them and then outline what the reward/consequence system is. If he has ideas of alternatives listen to him and adjust the system if he is reasonable. This way he has a clear idea of what is expected. You can monitor it easily and there is a reminder for him on the fridge and there is a clear reward/consequence that either you or your husband can enact if necessary.
BTW I don't agree with the other posters. Yes your SS needs love, support, understanding, time and counselling (which you say he is receiving) but that is no excuse for not helping around the house and doing chores etc. He needs a 'normal' family life too if he is to get through this and being overly coddled doesn't sound too healthy to me.
That's the hard part. DH and
That's the hard part. DH and I do agree on chores. Nothing crazy just walk the dog, take trash out, empty dishwasher, normal easy stuff. It's when its not completed, DH would just rather do it himself than say anything to SS about it. I like the idea of sitting down and explaining what we expect and what happens when it's not completed. Trust me there is every excuse in the book as to why it as wasn't done.
sounds like a difference in
sounds like a difference in parenting technique is all
Thanks, I'll make sure I go
Thanks, I'll make sure I go through and read more posts. My husband and I have both taken parenting classes as required for fostering/adoption. I guess I should of reworded my post and not of mentioned BM passing away. My question was just more about my husband wanting to be more of a friend than parent which has been happening for 14 years. I completely understand that he is 14 and lost a parent. I was 19 when I lost mine so can't imagine what 14 would be like. I guess I was asking more of a general question than a present time question.
My father died when I was
My father died when I was just reaching adolescence. It is earth shattering. You know what kids like me crave? NORMALCY. Normal is routine, schedules, expectations, being allowed to grow. When it first happened no, no one asked me to do the dishes. But that acute phase lasts a short time. By the end of the summer it was back to school, making my bed, taking my turn with the dishes, etc. Normalcy is being treated like you are not different from everybody else, not "broken" nor "special." But still young, strong, and on upward path.
Nothing can take his pain away, not counseling, not nuthin'. But don't take away his launch trajectory as well.
If I were you I would sit kid down and talk about how much you care about him (if that kind of talk between you is still possible). And all the other lovey-supporty things you think are appropriate to you two. Then tell him that living in this house requires everybody working together. You know he can do it. And it's just between you and him now. It doesn't matter if dad lets it go, YOU don't let it go. See if you can get him to be on a team with YOU.
Side note: I'm not a big fan of kids being in charge of pet care. It is not fair to the pet. I would try to make his chores about other things. Preferably things that dad may not be aware enough of that he swoops in and does them himself.
Thanks for the info The pet
Thanks for the info
The pet was given to SS 7 years ago when his brother passed away. His BM was evicted from her house and was unable to take his dog with them. Of course SS did not want to get rid of the dog so we took the dog for him under the circumstance that SS would care for it when he was there. Obviously we don't let it starve or potty in the house if SS doesn't do it.
Glad you saved the dog. I
Glad you saved the dog. I would have, too.
I hate stepkids. Just hearing
I hate stepkids. Just hearing their name makes me sick. No way in hell id ever be excited for one about anything having to do with one....unless they were telling me they were moving on the other side of the world and wanted us to completely acknowledge that they no longer exist.
Wow what great advice, glad
Wow what great advice, glad you could help.