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Really worried about this weekend

Farewell2020's picture

Every time his kids come over I'm the maid cook and chauffeur. I asked him tonight if he'd like to just contact me whenever he needs me, and apparently he wants me to stay. But he barely even touches me or talks to me when they are around so what the use of being here? Should I just be "on call" so to speak? It would be less stressful on my end. What problems could this cause if I end up doing this?

lintini's picture

I posted a few hours ago that D-Day is at 3pm when ss12 is picked up from school. I would like to get my toes done, haven't had them done in 10 years and my fish tanks and bird cages need cleaning. Let's both do fun things and keep busy. Have him pick up papa murpheys pizza. I've never been asked to drive his son anywhere.....but I do his laundry, clean up his toothpaste that gets left in the sink, flush the toilet for him, put the seat down. (EWWWWWW)I disengage a lot, and my fiance knows my issues and stresses with all of this. I mean, I just moved in a 12 year old to my house last month, I am freaking OUT. IT's harder now that I cannot successfully disengage without ss12 knowing im at home, or choosing to do something else rather than go to his baseball or basketball games. It was easier when we didn't live together and I just didn't show up that weekend and said I had a lot of homework.

Don't be on call, can you do something with friends or family? I felt really bad before that my fiance would be upset and say that I don't support him by not doing to ss12 functions....and then after lots of discussions I think he's slowly learning that right now it's too much for me, but I will try my best to go to one game a month. It's hard too knowing ss12 soon he will probably figure it out that I don't go to his things sometimes because I don't want to see his mom and her parents, then have to be polite and say hi....its so awkward. It's like an entire family event that is so uncomfortable.

ncgal1980's picture

After about two weeks of cleaning up behind my skids - doing all the things you mentioned, cleaning toothpaste out of the sink, cleaning and flushing toilets (GROSS), picking up dirty clothes and putting them in the hamper, etc. - I just informed DH one day that I was done. Flat-out DONE. I don't expect DH to do a damn thing for my two kids, and I told him that I'd no longer be doing it for his.

DH: "So you're saying you're not going to help out around the house anymore? Do you really think that's fair, ncgal?"

Me: "I didn't SAY that. I said I'm not picking up after THEM anymore. There's a big difference. I expect my kids to clean up after themselves, and I don't see why yours can't do the same."

DH: "But...But at BM's house, they don't have to do those things, so they don't know how."

Me: "Then it's YOUR job to TEACH them how. It's not MY job to clean up the messes they make because you think they aren't responsible, for whatever reason."

DH: "God, ncgal. That is so unfair."

No. What's unfair is that I was expected to continue being a janitor with a big smile on my face. Oh yes, DH! Scrubbing nasty toilets and wiping piss off the floor is a PLEASURE!

Just stop. Tell your SO if you want, but just STOP! It's not your responsibility to do all these things! Truly, it's not!

askYOURdad's picture

DH: "But...But at BM's house, they don't have to do those things, so they don't know how."

^^^This is complete BULLSHIT! BM and I definitely have different standards of living and cleanliness, luckily DH is closer on the spectrum to my idea of clean than BM's. The skids aren't expected to do things at BM's that they are expected at our house and initially it was an adjustment but if you teach them and hold them accountable they will do it.

hereiam's picture

If he basically ignores you when he has his kids, don't be there, do your own thing. And certainly do not be "on call" for him whenever he needs you. Geesh, have some pride, you are worth more than that.

I personally would be re-thinking the relationship if he treats you like the maid and chauffeur when his kids come over. Let him hire a maid and a chauffeur, if that's what he wants.

ncgal1980's picture

I agree with that. If he only acknowledges your presence when he needs your assistance, then I'd just find reasons to be elsewhere when the skids are there. Then if he tries to say something about it, just stand there with a slack-jawed, blank expression like you have no idea what he's talking about.

I've done it. It actually works!

Orange County Ca's picture

I used to take my kids camping once a month (in southern California we can do that year around). It's an excellent way of insuring quality time in that there are no distractions and they're forced to do camping and hiking stuff. Of course the electronic stuff will have to be curtailed. Best way to do that is make them leave the chargers behind.

Suggest it for the summer months at least and emphasize the quality parenting time.

snoozy's picture

Think I'm going to start doing what my cat does every time skid is here... hide under the bed until he leaves! No joke she stays there the whole weekend

snoozy's picture

Think I'm going to start doing what my cat does every time skid is here... hide under the bed until he leaves! No joke she stays there the whole weekend

snoozy's picture

Think I'm going to start doing what my cat does every time skid is here... hide under the bed until he leaves! No joke she stays there the whole weekend

kallilee02's picture

I have so been there! The best course of action is to be upfront about it. Maybe sit your BF down the day before his son is supposed to come over and let him know how you feel. Don't be insulting, but be frank.

"I know that you want me here, and I enjoy spending time with you and your son. However, I feel like I am more of a convenience than a person while we are all in the same place. I really feel that it is time your son starts contributing to the household by doing some chores. If you would like, I am happy to help you teach him, but you need to be the one to head up this project."