Personal boundaries with sk’s
Just hoping for a bit of advice from all the seasoned stepparents here. I’ve been seeing my bf for three years now, and we’re potentially moving in together (at his place) within the next year or so. My only concern is about setting boundaries with his sd15. He has 50/50 custody, and as of right now I see her every second weekend. These weekends are super focused on her, and In the past I’ve ended up being her 24/7 playmate. I’ve begun withdrawing a bit, like taking naps or going for a walk when I need me time, but she does tend to tantrum when I do so. I’ve also had to restrict my phone, as she would take it and use it inappropriately (look through my contacts for my ex husbands name). The last weekend I was there, I was asked five times why she wasn’t allowed to use my phone, and she argued each time with my response. Her dad does back me up, and admits that she has a level of entitlement that’s unusual.
So my concern about moving in is how do I get her to respect my boundaries? They are the following :
-My after work time is mine. I can’t play games literally from after school until bedtime with her. Dinner and conversation is great, but I have a personal schedule for work and excercise and just general adult stuff that I do on my own. I’m not her babysitter.
-She isn’t to use my electronics without my permission. They aren’t “hers” as she’s said.
-I will not tolerate insults or tantrums directed at me. I can’t change how she treats her dad but I won’t be called “boring” or “stupid”.
These are all things I’ve gone over with her dad and he agrees. I’m just wondering what to expect when/if I move in and these need to be enforced. Anyone have a similar experience? Am I asking too much of a teenage girl?
You are not asking too much
You are not asking too much of a teenage girl, it sounds as if your BF has not asked enough of her.
Why on Earth would she think it's her right to use your phone, or any other device of yours? Obviously, her parents have not taught her well because at 15, she should know better. Why are YOU her playmate on those weekends?
Insults, tantrums, arguing? I'm not sure I would move in, she's not likely to change and you can read around on this site to see how well most dads put their kids in their places. Not very well, if you want the short version. Sure, he agrees with you but is he willing to call Princess out on her behavior?
Her dad admits she has an unusual level of entitlement? Well, how do you think she got it?
She sounds like a nightmare.
Um, no, I’m not sure if he
Um, no, I’m not sure if he would always call her out. He does when she makes negative comments towards me, but then he was also surprised to learn I don’t enjoy playing make believe games with her.
I’m not sure how I ended up the playmate. She’s terribly bossy when you play with her, which she freely admits. She can be super sweet to me, and she seems to treat me like I’m a kid too. It’s weird. She’ll pull me away from my bf when we’re out, trying to get me to run off to separate stores and lose him. She even wants to control what I eat sometimes. She constantly wants to be doing something she considers fun, and she wants to always be the center of attention. It’s exhausting.
Maybe I need to reinforce that she’s not the center of my attention. My bf knows she’s problematic and that’s why it took so long for us to be introduced. Even the living together thing. I think he might be afraid that I’ll run.
I think he might be a Disney Dad.
Yeah, no way would I move in.
Yeah, no way would I move in.
She is 15
Does she not have her own phone or tablet? Why does dad have 50/50 if he expects you to be the only one home wiht her?
She has her own tablet and
She has her own tablet and phone. Mine are newer and shinier.
I’m never actually alone with her on those weekends, but her dad seems to think I really like playing barbies and doing what she wants the whole weekend long.
I’m kinda getting depressed typing this out.
Why would he think a grown
Why would he think a grown woman would enjoy barbies and make believe games? I don't even know any 15 year olds who play with barbies. They are all thinking about getting a driver's license and working to get a car and spending money.
Was that what he was looking for, a playmate for his daughter?
Is she developmentally delayed or something? Which is a whole other problem, as she might be living with Disney Daddy forever.
How long was it before you met her? Big red flag that he was so worried about you meeting her. He wanted to make sure you were IN the relationship, far enough that you would overlook this dysfunction.
I met her after two years.
I met her after two years. She does have some diagnosed emotional issues. But I pursued him originally. (I knew he had a child but I had no idea kids acted this way).
Two years!
Two years!
What he did, was a version of a bait and switch. Had you known all of this much earlier, would you have continued the relationship?
Not all kids act this way, my SD was NOTHING like this. Nor would my have DH allowed her to be.
And the tablet issue, ugh.
And the tablet issue, ugh. She is no longer allowed to use mine as last time she was, a notification popped up on it for me - I reached over to tap it and she batted my hand away.
I would not move in; I'd do a
I would not move in; I'd do a trial run where I stayed over during the week when his daughter was there. Normal 15 years olds do not have tantrums or play with Barbies. No decently raised 15 year old would think it acceptable to snoop through someone's phone. Most 15 year olds are not seeking adult playmates; they want to hang with their friends. Red flags are flying. Don't give up your place until you have time to investigate further and see what living together might be like.
Good Lord woman. Do NOT move
Good Lord woman. Do NOT move in.
It will ruin your relationship.
That’s exactly what my
That’s exactly what my friends are telling me. I have my own place right now and it’s awesome. He loves coming over here.
I would ask my bf to be more
I would ask my bf to be more specific about the diagnosed emotional issues. Ie what exactly are they and does she have to possibily go back for monitoring. Is this something she may grow out of? Is she struggling with a bit of depression? Or is it potentially a lifelong diagnosis that needs management. I have a friend that has a son with autism. He is extremely bright, but may not have the necessary emotional skills to ever leave home. My daughter has special needs that she may or may not grow out of. If I’m a years time she stills shows some of her little quirks and repetitive behaviours I beileve they may diagnose her with mild autism. If this is the case then there is a small possibility she may never have the capabilities to live independently. Which I am absolutely fine with, she’s my daughter. I’m am not sure I would be quite so fine with it it was for example my step kid, and my partner didn’t disclose this information till years down the line.
I do know what she’s been
I do know what she’s been diagnosed with, and even though she’s whip-smart, I think there’s a chance that she might continue to need help. But lots of people with her main diagnosis live full independent and productive lives.
Her mom is definitely a problem. My view is that she verbally abused my bf for years and financially took advantage of him. His family has even said that his daughter acts like her.
But lots of people with her
But lots of people with her main diagnosis live full independent and productive lives.
Yes, but those people most likely have parents and role models who support and help them in leading independent and productive lives. It's obvious that this girl does not have that.
I’d like to learn how to be
I’d like to learn how to be that person for her, because I know she’s had a hard time with her disability. I just find it hard to figure out what behaviour is caused by her issue, and what is actually just entitlement. Because she’s rewarded after each meltdown with a toy or a dinner out. Thats what’s boggling my mind.
I feel bad about saying all this, but anonymous venting is helpful.
Nope, you are not the person
Nope, you are not the person that can get her there.
I get it that you'd like to be but that's just not how it works. She is going to follow her parents' lead and if they are not giving her any guidance, she is going to be content to be what she is.... becase it's what they allow (and even encourage). You will NOT change it.
You answered your own question.
This: Because she’s rewarded after each meltdown with a toy or a dinner out.
It is extremely likely her emotional issues are due to being coddled and treated like a toddler for too long.
One of my cousins has done this with her own child who has a disability that is overcome through physical therapy but they delayed getting the therapy and babied the child so at 8/9 she acted like a toddler. And there’s nothing stopping them from raising her in an age appropriate progression.
You cannot undo 15 years.
I'm with the others, don't
I'm with the others, don't move in. You will regret it. She sounds like she's 15 going on 8, with a lot more than just "emotional issues", and he sounds like a really lousy, indulgent parent.
My SS was 10 when I met him, and he liked me a lot. He would glom on to me at times and DH would set him straight and make him give me space. Without that help, you will forever be the bad guy, or hiding in your room with the door locked while she bangs on it and demands to play Barbies.
Don't do it.
Hold on a second! Are you
Hold on a second! Are you saying that his daughter already calls you "boring" and "stupid' and argues with you?? This is a really bad sign that your boyfriend doesn't have a handle on his child. I can promise you that if she feels like she can say and act like this now without harsh consequences, she will say and do much worse going forward. This is a losing battle that you need to bail from or you will be one sorry girl. Count yourself so fortunate to not have gone further into a relationship that binds you to this man and his unruly brat. Re-read this.
Btw, your boyfriend is not surprised by her behavior. ;-)
1. Never move into his place.
1. Never move into his place. You will be seen as an invader.
2. 15 with no respect for others belongings and demanding behavior - Red Flag. Poor parenting.
3. Playing with Barbies at 15 is a lot more then emotional issues. She's developmentally delayed. She's not going to be independent any time soon. Red Flag. No one is seeing to this childs welfare.
This is not a situation you want to place yourself in.
Yup say hello to a 50yr old daughter still living
At home with daddy. Do you want another 35 yrs of that??
You found this site because
You found this site because your spidey senses know something is abnormal. Now the problem becomes, what will you do about it? And Petronella and hereiam are right; you're not the parent and it's not your place to interfere by trying to "save" this girl.
There are some men who make great partners but shi!!y parents. The key is to avoid the shi!!y parent side, which you can't do if you live with him. And you can't even hang your hat on the (untrue, btw) belief that you can move in and just hang on until Bobby or Suzie turns 18, because your bf's daughter isn't going to launch for a very long time, or have a conventional adult life.
Don't delude yourself or ignore the enormous red flags. DO NOT move in with this man. If you do, you will become a part of a dysfunctional dynamic, and he'll have no motivation to change or help his daughter. Nope, keep your own place. Date him if you want, but draw the boundary that you can't see starting a life together until he's launched his daughter. He DOES have a plan for her launch, right??
Play your cards well, and you'll do more for your bf's daughter than you ever could acheive by living with him. Motivate him to get her the help she needs, with you as the carrot. And if you don't see a change, move on. You'll still have your self, your own place, and your fabulous life.
Why on earth is sd15 playing with a potential stepmum
Thats just odd and chucking a hissy fit when you want to go out on your own
looking at your phone contacts for your exhusband. Wth??
your belongings are yours that she should not be taking because they do not belong to her and just because you are in a relationship with her doesn’t change this
my ss21 told his dad he was taking my laptop because his broke. Ss has never acknowledged me and told his dad i am a stranger so what makes you think you can take a stranger’s things? What makes you think you can snoop into a strangers personal things?
only rude unmannered people do this
At first I thought you were
At first I thought you were talking about a 5 year old girl! Give the chick some chores to do and call it a day.
If she on your nerve now
What would it be like living with her 1/2 a month. Something has to changr with her. You are not her friend. You are the adult. If yout BF is not backing you up. That a major problem,
I suspect....
Being her playmate relieves dad and gives him the free time OP is seeking when the daughter is around. I would not even advise an enemy with no children to move in with a teenage child.
This will not be a good experience for you, you will regret it the first month.
Keep your sanity, your belongings, your cleanliness, self care and safe place all to yourself.
If you move in with your boyfriend those things will no longer exist.
Let him raise his child on his own, she is not your sacrifice to bare, you will end up resenting them both!
No one is worth the stress that moving in with him will create in your life! Trust me, I am speaking from experience.
Put yourself first, always! Good luck with everything!