Independence Day
He has chosen an unhealthy dynamic with his ex-wife and alienated kids over me. So, I’m freeing myself from his poor decision making and chaos and moving out.
6 years ago he promised to set healthy boundaries with them. His ex-wife is an undiagnosed bpd with narcissistic traits and has spent about 50% of the relationship alienating the kids. She won this time because the latest husband supported her alienation. He hasn’t seen them in a year and it probably won’t change until they get older. They all abused him. He showed me a book where their behavior was starting to mirror hers which scares both of us.
I asked him to talk about boundaries in the future in the event that they mistreat him or scape goat me again in the future. He refuses to do so. He has spoken up multiple times about bribing the with trips and gifts in order to reconnect with them. To me, that is asking for abuse. They’ll use him for money and then mistreat him because he’s so desperate to have a relationship with them. They already treated him poorly and screamed at him.
He has set a hard boundary with me, while refusing to set any boundaries with the kids. Can anyone see the irony in this? He’s basically saying that he doesn’t care how I feel about it. That even though this affects the both of us he’s going to make a unilateral decision to do what he wants. That’s primarily because he has stated that he won’t set any boundaries with them even if they do abuse him. He said this. He reserves boundaries and anger for me. Because as he pointed out to me in a rare moment of honesty, blood is thicker than water.
I stood by him when his ex, her husband and his kids treated him like a pariah. I stood by him when the guardian ad litem and his own family suggested that there was something about him that made the kids not want to see him. I even stood by him when he took his anger out on me. He would never dare express anger to his kids or his ex-wife.
Now he stands by his kids and has decided that I’m disposable and do not merit respect and consideration and protection from any mistreatment in the future. And the mistreatment I’ve had has already been pretty intolerable.
Enough is enough. A good man would not throw me under the bus like this for kids he may well never see again. I am now free to go find a good man. And God help my ex who will never get another woman like me again.
This is how I felt when I
This is how I felt when I realised (and it did take some time for it to sink in) that the X had no further use for me, after I disengaged from his entitled kids. We had worked so hard to create a lovely home for our joint families to enjoy but it wasn't what he wanted- what he wanted was to be at their beck and call round the clock and all week long.
Now he has a place right back where he always wanted to be- where his kids and their mom live. As long as I live I will never understand it but I know he is already seeking out his next 'victim.' He is living a shadow of a life and I am walking out into a sunny future.
Daphne- I know you are going to be fine- but let us know how you get on.
Sounds like my story
Fairyo,
Your story sounds similar. We also worked hard to make lemonade out of a bad situation for the kids and build a discreet and stable relationship. Since their mother is abusive and unstable, we felt they needed a refuge from that.
My ex seems to be a little obsessed with trying to insert himself in their lives while they're alienated. From what he has said, he is willing to do whatever he has to to get them back in his life.
He does not want our relationship to end. He wants to force me to accept his poor decision making and I refuse. He does not know me well enough because he didn't think I would really leave him and that he could just willfully force me to accept more and more miserable circumstances and dislodge my self esteem in the process. But I'm not stupid. I know my worth and even his family have remarked that he's out of his league. I don't have to put up with this nonsense. No one should.
He bounces from denial, anger and bargaining with me. I have to remind him that the reason I'm still here is because I haven't found suitable accommodations. In order to get out of here, I am considering taking a home that I like but I'm not crazy about the location. It's 10 minutes from his house. But I could get out fast and start truly moving on.
I will never understand either why someone would really want to put all of their eggs in the basket with the kids. Your ex seems to be looking for someone who will let him have his way. The problem is, we both put up with it for far too long so he'll probably find someone. But eventually, she'll probably get sick of it too.
My ex knows that he's losing the one support that had his back. He's ok with it. At least until I'm gone and he has to grasp the consequences of his poor decisions.
Well I wouldn't have said it
Well I wouldn't have said it publicly that the X was out of his league with me but I think everyone felt it. When I met him I was vulnerable, my cancer had returned and I lost my job and my house. I will always be grateful that he seemed to come into my life at the right time, and he seemed to want the things I wanted, which was a mature relationship with no need for the drama and tension that often occurs in younger relationships.
The irony is I liked him because he cared about his family! But to the extent of lying down and begging them to walk on him? No, he had poor judgement too, and admitted he had made some bad decisions. I thought he had learned from his mistakes like me, but no- he just wanted to repeat them over and over and in the end I was accused of wanting to control him and always wanting to be right.
Unlike your SO, mine seemed to want to leave but didn't seem to know how to do it- he even lacked the guts to do that. In the end I think he was quite surprised that I didn't beg him to stay, instead I pre-empted him and left without any warning.
He now has to live with the consequences of his actions- but I know it is what he wanted for a long time- it just didn't happen in the way he thought. In the three months since I left he hasn't even hinted at wanting me back.
I moved back straight away to where my family and friends are because I missed them anyway, and every day I know I've done the right thing. I think the X is looking for someone who doesn't exist- but he will keep trying, and on the way he will meet suckers like me and his ex-wives and, like you say, it will just keep happening because he doesn't learn from his mistakes.
I don't know if he regrets what he did, he is looking at a lonely and pretty miserable life in the short term- I forced him to stay where he didn't want to be and I think I feel good about that. Be careful what you wish for, I would say to him.
I am really happy in my new life- my job is great, my friends and family are there for me, andI have a new home that will only be mine, to look forward to.
He had no class and no taste, he didn't deserve me and as soon as I realised this I, like you, was off like a shot. Everything he's done since I left has only re-inforced this, to everyone else as well as me .I hope he enjoys the company of his unlovely children from now on...as they say, not my circus anymore...!
Drama free relationship...
You are preaching to the choir. I have to leave to remove the drama. For my ex, it's not just that he has a borderline ex that creates drama. It's becaues he has a pattern and habit with her that he refuses to acknowledge in therapy. I'm not doing their relationship anymore. I came into this relationship a lot healthier than I'm leaving but I'll work it out. I know that this is not healthy.
I also fell in love with him because he loved his kids. I didn't realize that, for him, love meant being permissive and too scared to parent.
I am leaving him so that he has the freedom to pursue whatever type of relationship with them that he chooses. Even if he never gets one. I think the reason he doesn't want to break up is because we haven't been at each others' throats long enough. I should have left a while ago. If I were being honest, I should never have moved in with him but it is what it is.
I'm looking forward to a future where I can focus on things I enjoy instead of the repeated drama that he creates because he can't stand peace. I have waffled and ibeen devastated because I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But I know that this is the best thing for me. I don't know that he'll ever be capable of having a healthy relationship. What I do know is that, ultimately, he did not choose me.
You let him disrespect
you. Put your foot down. It’s you or the highway !!!! That the only thing he will understand!!
Thanks for your support
I put my foot down. I'm signing a lease on a home as soon as I get my application approved. I'm starting to box my belongings and throw things out. It will be really hard to leave. But I made a decision that I would not abandon my values in favor of his. It's like listening to a bankrupt person talk to you about financial planning.
Good for you! I hope you are
Good for you! I hope you are able to quickly recover whatever self esteem you might have lost and move on with confidence that you've done the right thing. I suspect he will regret yet another poor decision once he realizes what he's lost.
Thanks NDC
I tend to agree with you. This wouldn't be the first time an ex fully regretted their behavior that caused me to leave. I didn't end up with any of them either!
I have to wonder about men and their decision making. *scratch_one-s_head*
Or put another way, I have to wonder about my choices in men that make such terrible decisions. *shok*
Well done Daphne- I love your
Well done Daphne- I love your analogy, and to think I used to think the X was an intelligent guy who loved me... when all along he was just a complete loser...at least I did not give him a second longer of my time.