My BF has a daughter, need advise!
I'm 29 and so isn't my BF and he has a 4 y/o with his ex. Ive been with my BF for a year now and his daughter and I get along great. I try so hard to go with the flow but I cant help but feel disappointing when it come time for him to see his daughter. He is a great dad and sees his daughter every other weekend and a day during the week. His schedule is crazy and because of that I only really get to spend 1 night a week with him, sometimes 2 if I'm lucky. I love him a lot and I really want to make this work but I cant ignore my feelings on not being his first priority, not getting a lot of time, and feeling like Ill never have all those "firsts" with him and our future children because hes already been there done that. I really want to make this work, advise please!!
Umm... you need to move on. I
Umm... you need to move on. I hate to say it like that but if you are disappointed now with him only having her EO weekend and one day a week you are going to be butt hurt all the time as she grows up. Just from this post I can tell you aren't ready to be a mom or step. It is a job like no other and you, my dear, need to find someone who will be able to focus on you.
He doesn't have time for you.
He doesn't have time for you. He'll have to make time, or you'll have to make time. Neither of you should be making this time at the expense of his daughter, especially when she has so little time with him.
Sounds like this doesn't have much to do with the little girl at all, this is about you guys scheduling time for each other during the other days of the week.
Every child will be different. The 'firsts' thing bothered me too. I don't think it stopped bothering me until I realized just how many of his son's 'firsts' DH is giving up to stay with me states away until my contract is complete and we can choose where we live. We all make sacrifices for the ones we love. Is this one of the ones you're willing to make?
I don't understand why some
I don't understand why some people are so quick to jump to leaving him, what happened to constructive criticism? I was in a relationship for 4 years with someone whose daughter lived with us 24/7 so I am well aware of what comes with dating someone with a child. My feeling are perfectly normal and relevant, I guess I'm looking for someone who has been through the same thing, had the same feelings, and wondering how it ended up for them. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
Yikes, relax. I get it,
Yikes, relax. I get it, thanks so much for your advise. Appreciate the input, no really...
The reason I said leave was
The reason I said leave was because you are still in a needy /selfish phase of your life. It is 100% ok to be in that place. You don't have kids and you won't understand until you do. Go be selfish while you can!
I must have missed that memo.
I must have missed that memo.
It was right there about her
It was right there about her feelings not being his first priority and complaining about 8 days a month with his daughter (who is 4 and not even a step devil yet).
I thought it was an
I thought it was an age-related reference.
Nope, age has nothing to do
Nope, age has nothing to do with it.
Thanks myspoonistoobig,
Thanks myspoonistoobig, that's more of what I was hoping for
They mean well. Most here
They mean well. Most here would say 'run very fast' to almost ANYONE who was considering being with a dude who has kids. But let's get real, you can't always decide to love who you think is perfect for you. Sometimes you meet a guy who you think SHOULD be absolutely irresistable to you and you feel... nothing. Really connecting with someone is nothing to sneer at, and it can be worth many many challenges.
That said, seriously need to make time between the two of you, and if he even thinks about doing it at his daughter's expense, do NOT let him. If you can make more time, it could work.
I'd also advise taking it as SLOW AS HUMANELY POSSIBLE. It's super easy to want the rest of your lives together to start immediately, but seriously. If he jumps the gun and proposes, you make that engagement LAST. Also take a look at recommended age brackets for remarriage, and things of that nature. Just doing some research on a lot of levels has helped me SO much.
I'm three years behind you, but I was where you were (maybe in a bit more of a snag) when I started the dance just a few years ago, so if you'd like to chat about any other stuff, PM me.
Your feelings are valid. And
Your feelings are valid. And they matter. I got involved with a man at your age 29 - 30 and stayed with the man for 3 1/2 years ,got engaged, lived together. At that time he had EOW of his daughter and full custody of his son . I am no longer with him and I am 34 to be 35 in 3 months.
Please, look around and find a childless man. There are plenty of them and you should value, appreciate and love yourself enough to know what is best for your soul. I also had the same feelings and should have acted on them after the first year and seeing the situation and the issues the way the are and not through my positive rose coloured polyanna glasses.
Take good care of yourself first. Do not wait for him to make you a priority. Be the main priority in your own life and do what is the best most loving choice for YOU.My favourite song : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4hbQj8NK1g .Speak your own truth:) and soul
Yes I think you have a really
Yes I think you have a really good point about not minding as much if we had more time together. When we are together I definitely feel like his only priority, he's very attentive and loving towards me. I have had discussions about this with him before and I hate to feel like I'm beating a dead horse, but I think it's something worth talking about again.
I have had different
I have had different experiences. I get that I am not top priority overall, but on some days I should be top priority, although this is tough with unstable BMs and very young kids. but with older kids it's possible. And no matter what just because you are not always top priority does not mean you always have to be last priority. You still should be a priority, you are not just a gap filler for when your bf doesn't have his daughter.
So don't worry your feelings are valid and you may just need to tell your Bf that on occasion you should be a priority, especially when he doesn't have his daughter. If he can't do that, then there might be a problem.