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I'm so lonely when my stepson is here

Slick Vic's picture

First off, I know that this issue is my OH's fault, and not that of my SS4. And yes, I knew what I was getting into.

Except I didn't. I didn't expect it to be like this.

I just feel so alone when SS is here. OH has joint custody and they moved into my home seven months ago. We both work shifts and (I think) our time together is precious. But if SS is here I am basically ignored by OH as his focus on his son borders on the obsessive. I generally spend my evenings alone from around 7:30 as OH takes SS to bed and usually doesn't come back. So I sleep alone. And as a result we have stopped making love. Co-sleeping was something he promised me would stop when they moved in. Except he has made no attempt to stop it. Cry it out and other approaches were discussed and dismissed. The child either can't fall asleep by himself and can't self-soothe or OH doesn't want him to. I think it's probably the latter. He seems to want to keep SS dependant as long as possible and doesn't encourage him to try new things or even do age-appropriate activities. It extends to predominantly spoon-feeding SS like a baby, which I find embarrassing and so avoid dining out with them if I possibly can. He's a typical guilty dad who never wants to say "no" and there don't have to be any rules. "Shoes on the furniture? Fine. Candy when you didn't eat your dinner? No problem!" He's a nice little boy at the moment but (IMHO) I believe this kind of parenting will change that if it continues. Sometimes I think I can even see it happening in front of my eyes but feel unable to say anything. When I raise what I believe is a quite legitimate concern the response is "you hate my son". I can cope on school days. On holidays and weekends I am so stressed and unhappy. I feel lonely in my own home. OH has a lot of anxiety over BMs new husband, who she tries to make SS call "daddy". It's messed up. So I didn't really know what I was getting into.

That turned into a longer rant than I intended. I just needed to get it out today.

Disillusioned's picture

Sometimes I think bio-dads (or moms) really like to have the child dependent/clingy with them.....I think some of these parents suffer not only from guilt and/or fear that their kids will walk out of their lives but also that they're overcompensating for the fact they don't see their child every day/need people including their spouse to believe they are the perfect parent who has great relationships with their kids, etc...

If they think the SM is "jealous" of their relationship with their kid some seem to enjoy this even more? Maybe they feel people think they are too close to their kids, love their kids just soooooo much it makes their spouse jealous, and maybe this covers up for what is really going on, which is they feel like a farce of a parent at times. It doesn't mean they are, but I think this is something divorced dads may suffer from

My DH calls my adult YSD every single week. He insists I'm part of this call. He falls over backwards with the attention, love, affection he pays her. The call goes on and on - when in my presence. On the occasions I tell DH that I won't be on the call/he needs to have some discussions with his own daughter without her step-mom being a part of every one etc.. etc... well, those conversations tend to be about five minutes long!

I initially would wonder why that was. But I think because I wasn't present to hear it/to think wow they are so close, they love each so much, he's such a great parent etc.. etc.., then DH didn't have a lot to say.

I really think the long calls, the falling over backwards, the grovelling, the carrying on with her is more for my benefit then theirs. It's like DH needs to impress me with this, needs me to think those things, and well, if I'm not in the room to witness his big act, he has far less to say to his daughter

I'm not saying DH isn't a good father, truly loves his kids, is totally proud of them and all that because he is. But he really plays it up in my presence and always has, and only in the last few years have I begun to feel it's all this huge overcompensation aimed at proving something to me and others, then it is what he tries to make it appear to be

My advise to you, try not to focus on this situation. Take your time with your DH and enjoy it. Find things to do during his time with his son. Try to find your own alone time with his son and build your own relationship separate from DH.

Maybe if your DH sees you are not jealous, and you actually like his child, and you look forward to some time on your own/with friends/with family, hopefully he may tone it down a little

Do you plan to have any kids with your DH?

stepinafrica's picture

I get the same feeling about my DH. That a lot of the things he does for my SS are really for my benefit, and not SS.

Slick Vic's picture

I suppose it is like a kind of jealousy. That horrible feeling of being side-lined and unwanted when someone else is around. Only the someone is his child and not another woman. I really don't feel like these things I have mentioned above and others are being done for my benefit. They are a source of conflict. Or rather they were a source of conflict until I stopped bothering to bring it up any more. He does indeed need to "tone it down" but rather than trying to prove to me that he is this fantastic parent I think he is trying to prove that to himself - to the detriment of all other relationships in his life.

I have tried spending lots of time with the two of them (which makes me feel bad), I have tried spending no time with the two of them (which causes an argument - "you're avoiding us"), and now I just try to strike a balance between doing my own thing with friends, family etc but still being around a little e.g. making us all pancakes in the morning before we go our separate ways, meeting for lunch etc. But I feel like whatever I do, it is wrong. Due to our shifts, the days with SS are mostly our only days off work together, so there is little to no private time for us as a couple. I know this is the case for pretty much everyone with bio-kids at home with them full time but I find it difficult to adjust to. I haven't adjusted to it!

The plan was to have children together. I have always wanted children and we discussed marriage and kids before he moved in and the entire relationship became stagnant half the time. He is like two different people depending on whether SS is here. Currently, I am thinking that I do want children but maybe not with him any more, as I could not have them raised like he is doing his son. I understand that for a child of ours the same guilt and over-compensation wouldn't be in place however, would THEY then have the same sense of feeling side-lined and unwanted as daddy may not treat them the same as my SS? The whole thing is a minefield, I genuinely didn't realise there was so much to consider. I was naive.

Iambad@usernames's picture

You sound like I wrote this....
My SD is 8 and just this year stopped cosleeping with my wife because I put my foot down.
I also have the almost jealousy thing... I go without becuase we have money issues at the moment, go to the store and the ad gets anything she wants. It's infuriating.
I'd set a date to have the cosleeping thing worked out... Something like a month out. And every night work on it. Tell your husband the truth
.. I'm married and shouldn't sleep alone. Kids are supposed to sleep alone by three. Ect ect.
So I'm lucky, I guess, in a way that at least I have that one victory. SD still tries "I'm scared" but I think my wife has learned it is just what she says to get what she wants.
I'll tell you what really helped... Watching super nanny with my wife. Omg she finally saw what I had been saying... Because someone else was saying it.

Slick Vic's picture

I know that this needs to stop. It's killing our relationship. Co-sleeping is my main bugbear.
I have read this a lot on here --> "you don't have kids of your own so you don't know what it's like"
Except I think I do have a clue, and I know that the combination of behaviours above plus many, many other things I haven't mentioned as they are too petty in isolation are going to do damage long term - to the child, to the father-son relationship of the future, and to our relationship together.

furkidsforme's picture

Yeah. Ask him to see the magic book he received on how to raise kids the day that SS was born. Oh.... there IS NONE??? Than what makes him think he knows better?