Having trouble adjusting
I am very new to this step-parenting malarkey and would appreciate some advice. My boyfriend has a three and a half year old son and has been separated from the birth mother since he was a baby. A custody arrangement is in place in which we have his son two nights a week. We have been together for less than a year but have known each other for a long time and he ended up moving into my place very quickly. I don't have any children of my own but would like them in the future. I have nieces and nephews of various ages and I am fairly confident I have a good idea of what developmental stage and ability a child should be at by three and a half years old, and as such I feel my partner is really baby-ing his son. I know it is because of fear that the birth mother will move away as she has threatened to do or turn his son his against him which she also appears to have started to do, based on a few things the little one has said on occasion. As such, my partner is trying to keep him dependant and child-like for as long as possible and has even told me as much once when he was very upset about something the child had said which clearly came straight from his mother. However, understanding his rationale, even if it is mostly unconscious, doesn't make it much easier to deal with.
A number of things in particular really bother me.
Discipline (or lack thereof) - there is a complete lack of rules and discipline in our house. I know it is harder to implement a routine when we have his son two days a week rather than seven but my partners attitude is that he doesn't want his son to remember that on the days he spent with daddy he was scolded or told no. This translates into him getting and doing whatever he wants. If he asks for chocolate or candy, he gets it. If he asks for a new toy, he gets it. Even if this means every day. Every day seems to have to be full of treats and there is nearly always an activity arranged which involves spending money.
Mealtimes - this links in to the lack of routine as there is no such thing as a set mealtime, meals are as and when it suits the child, and what suits him. I would prefer that he was eating roughly what my partner and I are eating as it would save a lot of work for me but this doesn't happen either and I have to make something different each time. When I was little if you turned your nose up at the dinner which was set in front of you, you didn't get something new so had the choice between eating it or being hungry. However the child won't eat his food then asks for, and is given, treats by my partner. His rationale is that it's better he eats junk than nothing at all. I totally disagree! And in any case, he knows he will be given the food he wants such as chocolate which is why he doesn't eat his dinner! But in any case, the issue that irritates me the most is my partner spoon feeding him like a baby. My partner prefers him to eat off of the plate he is using, and spoon feeds him, rather than having his own plate and feeding himself. He makes a big deal of the child "wanting share of daddy's". It drives me insane. This is a boy of three and a half. He does not need to be spoon fed.
Bedtimes - again there is no bedtime, the child goes to bed when it suits him. Which is usually towards the time I am thinking about getting ready for bed anyway and have had absolutely no time with my partner. I think the child should be in bed by 8pm at the latest however there have been times I have gone to bed first as it was getting too late! I had a conversation with my partner about bedtimes and we agreed it should be 8pm at the latest. It was adhered to twice then forgotten about. The same applies as before, my partner doesn't want to make him do things he doesn't want to do. So if he says he doesn't want to go to bed, he doesn't have to. More or equally aggravating is the sleeping arrangement. My partner will get into bed with his son and lie with him until he falls asleep. If it is late, he often falls asleep too. On these evenings, I go to bed by myself, usually feeling slighted. I don't like to admit that I am jealous of a small child but I think that my partner should be in bed with me! Even if he does come to bed with me he jumps at the slightest noise or movement the child makes. Not long ago he jumped out of bed as he said he could tell by the sound of his breathing that the child was awake. He wasn't crying or calling for his daddy, just quietly lying awake but my partner left me to tend to him. And I spent the rest of the night alone again as he fell asleep in his sons bed and never came back.
Lack of affection shown to me - when it's just the two of us, things are great. We hug, we kiss, we cuddle on the sofa watching tv, we have sex when we have time and energy to do so! When his son is here... Well there's not a lot to talk about. I get a peck on the cheek when they're running out the door or a very quick cuddle in bed (which I often have to ask for) if he actually gets into bed with me at all. I feel like I am invisible.
I don't want to resent the child, I want us to be some semblance of a family, but our time as a three is not how I want it to be or even close and I often dread "our days". I want to know if I am being unreasonable, and what I can do to make this situation better, for all of us. Any help would be much appreciated.
V
Wow.... Unfortunately, it's
Wow.... Unfortunately, it's unlikely that anything you do will make the situation better. Your boyfriend is doing his son a terrible disservice and setting their relationship up to be an epic fail. His reasoning of doing all this to keep his son from turning against him is illogical based on the experiences of other dads here. What he is doing is making sure his son will never respect him and that his son will only choose to be around dad in later years if there's something in it for the child - money, a trip, gifts, etc.
However, convincing your boyfriend of that is going to be basically impossible and he will likely resent the heck out of you if you push the topic very much. He will also resent you pointing out jr's wretched behavior as the kid gets older.
If you're determined to stay, I guess I would suggest having a conversation with him about the future. You say you want kids - does he? If so I would point out this is in no way how you want your own children to be brought up and having different sets of rules for different kids in the house will make the kids resent each other and the parent(s) they see implementing the double standard. If he stays firm in his son getting whatever he wants, I very much encourage you to look elsewhere for your life partner.
Yes, oh boy. This is how
Yes, oh boy.
This is how things are when he's 3, I can only imagine how things will be when he's 13. As you probably know this will only get worse and worse unless your SO makes some significant changes, and given SO's position and the young age of SS, that is not likely to happen. If his relationship with BM is also in play (constant contact, texts, phone calls about nothing, etc, etc) you are in for a holy nightmare.
For the good of all of you, you really should find a way to be completely honest with your SO and tell him what you are thinking and feeling - if there is any hope for a happy, HEALTHY relationship, you cannot keep your feelings bottled up - Step hell is not an easy thing (read the posts!). This is your "honeymoon" period, the first year of your relationship - if this is where things are now, imagine where they will be in a few years.
Please - do speak with your SO - and be prepared for the worst - he freaks out, lashes out at YOU and your relationship may end, but better to know that now.
Good luck to you.
Thanks so much for the
Thanks so much for the input.
Sometimes I think "it's only two days a week" and everything really is great the rest of the time but it does cast a huge shadow and wears me down.
Aeron - yes we have talked about kids and I know he would love another child but you are correct, I do not see any biological child of mine being brought up in the manner I have described above! It is simply not healthy or conducive to well-behaved and well-balanced children. The "Disney Dad" parenting style is only going to result in a little monster. He's a lovely little boy at the moment but has his daddy wrapped around his little finger and will learn more and more how to work this to his advantage as he gets older.
V
Plus, if you do decide to
Plus, if you do decide to have a child and you raise the child the way YOU feel is best, that child is going to resent the hell out of the older one.
Being a couple is easy when
Being a couple is easy when it's "just the two of you". Put two people together and almost anyone can make THAT work. It's how you handle kids, jobs, in-laws, (life) that determines the longevity of a relationship.
In an intact relationship
In an intact relationship where both parents are together and equally vested in their child, you're going to have a lot of the "no adult time" thing going on--that's actually kind of normal (and how I wish it wasn't) for an INTACT family. Our daughter is almost 2, an only child in our house, and my parents live a bit too far to really help, so we rarely get to be alone. You don't resent the kid because it is YOURS, but in a dynamic where one person is not the bioparent, the actual bioparent needs to understand that the way it WOULD HAVE BEEN is not going to work because it isn't the way it was.
You need to sit your BF down and talk to him about how you feel invisible when his son is there. He's probably going to throw some BS at you about how those are the only days he gets to be with his kid so he wants to focus on him completely so the kid doesn't hate him or some crap like that. I would throw it back into his face that, okay, then any time your parents/friends come to visit you will completely ignore him because apparently, human beings can only juggle one relationship at a time and are completely unable to balance all of their relationships.
There's really not much he can do about the mom alienating and doing things that make the child be loyal to her. It's the luck of the draw when you have children with someone whether or not they're going to be sane and try to foster a good relationship with the other parents or whether they're going to try and play a game of keep away. Their game of keep away/make the other parent miserable, if you read this site more, has NEVER and will NEVER be effectively shut down by babying the child and giving them whatever they want. I can't think of a damn instance where it hasn't made the entire family miserable, and the stepparent/partner miserable.
If after you guys talk, you find your BF is not ready to balance the relationship with his son with you (and you're not asking him to not be a father--you're asking him to be BOTH a father and a Bf), then he is not ready for a relationship with anyone, and I think it's better to cut your losses and go.
This explains exactly what I
This explains exactly what I want to say to him but couldn't find the words!
Watch out! Pay attention to
Watch out! Pay attention to what "not2" has said - especially about the parental alienation.
To me, the issue of alienation is even more serious than things like discipline at dinner.
Let me tell you from experience, when a kid - especially a boy - is taught (overtly or covertly) to avoid his father or that his father isn't important - it plays absolute hell with them psychologically. It sounds like the BM is already playing this game at a very young age. Threatening to withhold the kid from seeing his dad is quite serious.
This does not bode well for this boy nor his relationship with his dad. When this kid gets older, there is a very real possibility he will develop a host of serious problems because of it. You think you have discipline problems now? Just wait - you might be dealing with a whole host of problems - anger, violence, drug use, drop out, early parenthood, jail time ... you name it. Boys who are taught to hate their dads by their sick/sadistic mothers will not succeed.
And BM will also be teaching the kid that you (and any kids you may have with your partner) are the equivalent of something bad on the bottom of his shoe. So he will not be keeping you in the favorable light he currently sees you in, as a toddler.
In addition, it sounds to me like you are doing all the giving, including opening up YOUR home to your boyfriend by letting him move in "quickly."
I am sorry to suggest that you seem to be a mere convenience for him, a means to an end. You are providing him an easy roof over his/ his son's heads, a person who will do the cooking and cleaning, who can be ignored when it's easy and there's something more important (son) around, and a hot body when HE wants one.
You make it easy for him to list why he's with you. So tell me again why you are with him? Without saying that you love him ... because it sure doesn't look like he loves you.
You are young, unburdened and FREE! Why not find a young man in a similar situation and start a life TOGETHER. Instead of getting someone else's scraps.
You deserve a devoted and dedicated partner in life who makes YOU his priority. Not be treated like an afterthought, or a convenience. And certainly not have to deal with a lifetime of problems and heartache that this situation will drag you through.