He let SD5 sleep in our bed - fuming
I stayed out a couple of Saturday's ago as it was my friend's hen party. When I returned the next day, SD5 announced in front of us both, with a grin on her face, that she had slept "with daddy last night". I hit the ceiling as soon as she was out of earshot. I just can't believe him! I've already made it clear in the past to not let skids sleep in our bed so it's not as if he didn't know how I felt!? I feel so totally violated! Of all the places, our bed should be private and out of bounds. It just gives me the creeps.
He apologised profusely, said it wouldn't happen again, etc. but I pointed out to him that he should know me well enough by now to know what's gonna piss me off. That's what worries me, he either doesn't know me or he thought I'd not find out and that he'd get away with it. Suffice to say the bedding was changed immediately.
No, SO admitted that she'd
No, SO admitted that she'd been scared to sleep on her own and had called out to him (SS10 and SS9 were staying at their grandparent's that night and one of them usually shares a room with her). That's a load of rubbish anyway as she has her own room at home with no problems.
As for becoming a mini-wife...she's got no chance. Any signs of this behaviour would be, and have been, nipped in the bud post haste.
IMHO Allowing continual
IMHO Allowing continual co-sleeping is one of the BIGGEST red flags of guilty daddy syndrome as well as mini-spouse in the making.
Here is the list I compiled quite some time ago. I hope you find it helpful. You seem the assertive type which is GREAT! SMs usually become quite the doormats hoping that every one will "just get along" (TM)
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.
Yes it's safe to say I'm the
Yes it's safe to say I'm the assertive type. In fact I'm starting to recognise that I'm probably too much that way and could do with "softening" just a little.
I could have answered yes to all of the above 18 months ago lol. I knew when I met my SO it wasn't going to be an easy ride and my word, it hasn't been. But, after 2 years together we're finally singing from the same hymn sheet just about (apart from the odd incidents as above!)
Thankfully finances aren't a big problem for us as my SO has a good job (sorry if that sounds braggy) and CS has been agreed through the courts, everyone is happy with this arrangement and I understand that's a massive pressure off the relationship.
You're right, this type of relationship should never be taken lightly.
I would wager to guess
I would wager to guess that:
#1- Your DH knew EXACTLY how you felt about this
#2- DH doesn't *actually* want to agree that co-sleeping is poor parenting, but he agreed to keep peace with you
#3- Absolutely he thought that he would get away with it
Which says that he doesn't actually respect you as an equal partner, because as soon as the cats away the mice will play.
Argh! If this is true (which
Argh! If this is true (which it probably is thinking about) I'm even more pissed off! The thing is, my SO can be quite "dizzy" so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I'm gonna point this out to him. What is it with these men!?
"But, after 2 years together
"But, after 2 years together we're finally singing from the same hymn sheet just about (apart from the odd incidents as above!)"
Don't deceive yourself. He's doing this just to placate you. When the "honeymoon period" wears off, he will then view you as the enemy and he on the side of his daughter. She will encourage this as the "divide and conquer" method will take foothold.
The leopard seldom changes his spots.
If things ever went backwards
If things ever went backwards instead of forwards, I'd leave in a heartbeat. I know the warning signs.
Thankfully this has always
Thankfully this has always creeped DH out but BM still co-sleeps w/ SD7 and he actually asked that this be prohibited in their parenting plan which was awarded! My friend dated a guy who spooned w/ his 12 year old...
An important lesson I've learned is people are going to do what they want. If they aren't the same people behind your back when you're not there, it's going to cause problems. I don't think it's a huge deal every now and then but I feel the same way as far as our bed and bedroom being our private space.
He could've put her back down in her own bed and stayed till she fell asleep. At least he was honest when confronted and hopefully this doesn't become a pattern of them keeping secrets or your SD thinking you'll be easily undermind. I think the worst thing is for your SO to create a dynamic where SD thinks everything would be better for her if it weren't for you, which these things tend to do
I wouldn't have sex with him
I wouldn't have sex with him for at least a month......."Sorry, dear, I just can't....knowing that your daughter was in this same bed!!!!!"
^^^^^ This. "Sorry, Baby...
^^^^^
This. "Sorry, Baby... I'm just too weirded out. I just keep thinking you had SD laying right here. "
Yep that's exactly what I
Yep that's exactly what I did. I also told him to go get his emotional fulfilment from SD5 which he didn't like one bit.
Glad I'm not the only one who
Glad I'm not the only one who doesn't like the child in my bed....
Yesterdays cross exchange was brought to us by a 7 year old who was allowed to nap on my side of the bed. I have repeatedly asked/stated that the bedroom be for adults only. Even calling it "my oasis". This lasted about 30 seconds as then it became a game to invade the oasis. My wife giggling right along.
Yesterday I was told "its my bed too and if I want to cuddle with my daughter so I can nap and keep an eye on her (she is about to turn 8! ), then I can and will"... just glad to hear I am not the only one who can't stand this.