Creativecub's picture

Hi newbie here and i needed to talk to someone about how im feeling as im kind of confused myself.

Been with other half for 7 years now and knew he had 2 kids now boy 9 and girl will be 16 in Dec. Everything was fine they live with their BM and used to come some weekends and maybe a week - week and half max. We're not that close but i do whats right by other half and kids. 

Now the kids have been to stay for 3 weeks and went home for a week and now are back. Those 3 weeks felt soo long. I hated it. Theyre ok, they're not bad kids but it made me feel like this isnt for me. I am 36 and thought id want my own family with other half I still kind of do but without them. And that thought also makes me feel like a horrible person. 

The relationship the dad has with daughter is difficult. He doesnt treat his son in the same way. Its like he over compensates and she says jump and he says how high and i can't stand it. She so spoilt.

We've been talking about this and he just says ive known from the start about kids and its my fault and i have always supported him if he would need to have them here. I just didnt think id feel this way though now they're here more. We get a lot less time together like literally none, he's at work or im working as were both self employed, and the kids are just constantly there.

I feel like im just expected to cope and get on with things and be ok with it all as ita been so long. And maybe i should but i feel so confused. Am i a horrible person for feeling like this. I know a part of it is my being selfish but part of me is like i cant be arsed with the kids and I want to spend time with other half. Is this normal especially after 7 years in a relationship?


cam2016's picture

Thats how are dads are with their daughters... They are like treasures... No offense but wouldnt you want to be treated like that as a little girl by your dad? (See if you can put yourself in those shoes)....

This is quite normal. You have to remember those kids reflect the attitudes and behaviors of their BM. She has strong influence. Would you like spending 3 weeks with her (BM)?

But also, you may be displaying how you feel and think about them through your behaviors (unconsciously) and they pick that up... True feelings are hard to fake.

Its hard but maybe you need to have some time alone or with friends or family? Maybe being away will make them miss you and feelings may change?

Your DH is not going to change how he feels about his children so confronting him wont do much but make him more defensive...

Creativecub's picture

The dad-daughter thing is a wholleeee other issue. She might not be his and he'snot told her, he will but doesnt want to til shes 18. He has brought her up and i admire that of him but he over compensates immensely. She says dad i want this that and the other and dad gives. He doesnt buy his younger son stuff equally. 

cam2016's picture

But even if she is not his, he has raised her til this point and the bond is there... Again, would you not want your dad to spoil you? Just asking..

Creativecub's picture

Oh yes i totally get the dad daughter bond.  Im the same with my dad. What annoys me is he doesn't treat them the same. He will always put the daughter before the son who is younger. His son will ask for help with rolling his sleeves up for school in the morning and the dad will say go do it yourself while he's having 5 mins with the older daughter.  Little things where he has shooed off the son needing help while with daughter has happened a lot and the son has said this to me. If he buys her trainers for no reason,  he should buy his son some too. This has happened many times.  These things have happened a lot and others have noticed and said this to him and he doesn't notice it. I totally get the bond thing but its not right when he gives her the world and his son is at the side craving attention and you can see it in his face and the dad doesn't want to listen. 

Rags's picture

The dad daughter bond aside, and all else remaining equal, this guy is a gaslighting, daughter worshipping, emotionally incestuous dick.  To you and to his son.

This has absolutely nothing to do with a close and special relationship between a man and his daughter. It has everthing to do with his willful ignorance regarding the topic and the willful denial of his son and willful discounting of his wife.
As I said above... he is a dick.

Even when considering the age difference between the kids, he is a dick.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

To spoil means "to ruin." He can provide nice things for his daughter, and raise her without turning her into an entitled mini-wife. 

tog redux's picture

Spoiling daughters isn't a "father thing". It's an unhealthy relationship dynamic.  Fathers should hold their daughters accountable just as they would their sons.

OP, I think it's reasonable that now that they are there more, you are struggling with it.  But at the same time, they aren't going anywhere, so you may have a choice to make.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Totally normal. You are used to spending time with your SO and now you don't have any. Nobody would like that! It sounds like he was used to only seeing them sometimes and rolled out the red carpet, but now that they are there more, he needs to adjust his time allotment. He can't be ignoring you like that. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I feel like this is the kind of thing that can happen to anyone in a relationship with someone who has kids with another person. You kind of always have to be prepared that there could be a day when the kids come to live with you. Maybe for longer visitations, maybe permanently. 

The dynamics have changed and you aren't ok with them. You are allowed to not be ok with them, but the question is- can you deal with it. It isn't fair to ask him to choose between you and the kids- so you need to make the choice to stay or go in this relationship. 

I will tell you that things won't magically change when they turn 18. Other than they might show up to live full time with you. I will say that this life isn't easy. Disengaging helps some people cope with it, for some it makes things worse. You are going to have to find the balance in your life that you can handle. 

Creativecub's picture

I have never and would never ask him to choose. I know this is my issue and i don't know if it's normal to feel like this. I have ALWAYS made him put the kids first whether we've liked it or not. He's making me feel like this should all come natural and i should be totally fine with it and the way im feeling is invalid.

justmakingthebest's picture

Like I said, of course you are well within your rights to feel like your life has been flipped and no one consulted you. You just have to figure out if you can continue down this path... 

Nothing about being a step parent is "natural". He doesn't get that because he isn't in your shoes. He has children that he thinks everyone should adore as much as he does. That isn't how things really work. 

Cover1W's picture

You don't know how it will be because every person and dynamic is different. You don't know until you get there - and your DH should be respectfully listening to you and vice-versa.  Have you had a real sit-down calm talk with him about your concerns and how you DO feel you CAN support him?  You are not the parent and thus it's not only YOUR issue. 

Always putting the kids first is a mistalke. Sure, sometimes it's ok but it elevates their wants above their needs a lot of the time (others here have explained this well).  You and your DH are the adults and as such, should determine how your household runs. 

While not all SM roles come out in the dumps, not all are perfect by any means either. He cannot just will you into being some happy SM who goes along with him and kids with a smile as if you have no brain or independence.

Read the book "Stepmonster." This book and this website gave me the language to deal with DH and my SDs and to advocate for myself. I coudn't have done it otherwise and likely would have been long gone. While it's no cake walk even now, DH and I respect each other and that's what makes it good. He also puts me first much of the time.

Step back quietly.  Don't announce you won't do x or y with anger. Either just stop or tell your DH, I'm not going to do X any longer because of Z reason (assign no blame), i.e. Dh, I am not going to do SDs laundry any longer because they are old enough and should learn this skill - I will teach them how and then it will be up to them.

Creativecub's picture

Hey, thanks for your reply. I will take a look at the book. Yes we've had a talk about it all and he thinks i should be ok with it because they were around before me and i should have know this was going to happen which is true. But now its happen he's like just get on with it and why am i moaning etc. I've asked the kids to do stuff and he's said to the daughter to ask me if i help with cooking etc but she never does. She wanted her eyebrows doing the other day and i said to him let her ask me and I'll book it with her.. she didjt then he ended up booking it (his sister does beauty stuff) but its the fact that neither of them asked me and he just went along with it. I only said to let her ask me to try to build a relationship but if they both ignore me then i can't do anything. 

He thinks i should just get on with it and have no feelings. Everyone keeps telling me maybe thisnis what they need (being with us) and a stable family life which i get but im not their mum and dont think I'll be able to give them the same motherly love that their own mum would. Yes i will do what needs to be done (feeding, cooking, cleaning etc) but thats common sense. I guess im just feeling invalid.

Winterglow's picture

I very much agree with this. Step back and gradually disengage. Your SO wants you to have no feelings about the situation? Fine, give him what he wants. These are his kids, let him parent them as he sees fit. Oh, and stop listening to people who tell you how you should feel and how you should deal. Only you can know what you're feeling and it's VALID.

I know you feel sorry for the son but, truly, he isn't yours to worry about.

Winterglow's picture

So why are you doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc? Just because you are in the house doesn't mean that you have nothing better to do and are available... 

Creativecub's picture

I know. I guess i kind of feel i should do it. I know i don't have to but my OH doesn't really cook other than put stuff in the oven. Also its my home too and i want it to be clean and tidy. I know im just digging a whole for myself too.

Rags's picture

My bride and I addressed this by going with the work hour model.  From the time the first of us leaves the home until the last of us arrives home those are work hours.  After work hours it is OUR time to care for the home.  When my wife was a SAHM she kept the house and did most of the cooking and cleaning during my usual work hours. When I got home it was not suddenly my time to care for the home, it was OUR time to care for the home.  

Once she went to work outside of the home the home became OURs to keep.  In the evenings once we were both home, we split the duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc...) though she always did the lion's share of the home making.  I am far less sensitive to detail than she is so invariably if I did something, she would improve on it.  I did the yard work through so it was not quite as imbalanced as it would have been if I had not done the yard work. 

This model was in large part inspired by my brother and SIL.  She was a SAHM.  He worked his ass off. When he got home she handed him the kids and sat down then he busted his ass for another 4-8hours bathing kids, cooking, and cleaning.  He damned near worked himself into the hospital.  I sat him down one day and told him I would not be supportive of his wife if he continued to carry her water and he ended up dead because of it.  I outlined the work hours model that my DW and I arrived at and I told him it was in large part developed to fairly divide the home and family responsibilities and the work hours to avoid the hell he lived ever day.  That topic and several others driven by my concern for him caused a rift between us for several years which I would probably not risk again all else remaining the same. 20 years later he did confide in me that he wished that he had in his marriage and partner what I have in mine. That breaks my heart to this day and I feel for him.  He is increadibly successful, has three great and beautiful kids, and a succubus for a bride.  Not what I would have chosen for him.  He is incredible and he should have amazing in his marriage. But I digress.

Once we reached income levels that allowed for it, we outsourced yard work and the major house cleaning.  For the past 18mos she has been the primary earner and I have only done some part time consulting work, so... I am the chef, and keep the house livable.  Though as she always has, she tends to sigh deeply and raise whatever I have done to her standards.  Except for the cooking.  She likes my cooking.  I am getting a little repetitive in my dishes though.  I need to up my game.


BTW,  if they can read, anyone can cook.  Give DH a cookbook and tell him to figure it out because you are done being the household beck and call girl after working all day just like he does.  Work hours are work hours, once work hours are done it is not YOUR time to care for the family and home, it is YOURs and HIS time to care for the family and the home.  Give him clarity.

Good luck.

Sotheysay's picture

Normal sure but you can't fairly ask him to see them less and if you ever have bio kids that will also be their siblings what I say when you marry someone with kids is the co might say this now but if  something happens to other parent be prepared to get them 100%