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Saying no is causing dramas

Teenybean3's picture

So my ss is autistic, he's highly functional and is very spoilt. His parents have a very bitter relationship and my partner wants his son to have a nicer time with him than he does with his mother.

He is a handful and becoming more so for me. The last two times I have seen him I have stopped him from 1 causing an accident and 2 setting off a fire alarm in a packed restaurant. Both times I have said no or stop he has burst into tears and I feel like the big bad wolf. 

Each time something happened my partner says just let him do it and he'll learn. 

My partner never says no to him so he just does exactly what he likes, no matter what.

I'm on the verge of staying away and leaving them to it. 

is this a normal feeling? Or am I just taking the easy route?

Kes's picture

"Let him do it and he'll learn"????? You have got to be joking - this is no way to parent.  What about dangerous things?  Autism is not an excuse to be a lazy, negligent parent.   I don't think I could live with someone who failed to parent to this degree. SS will just get more and more unruly and obnoxious as he grows, with this style of non-parenting.  You have no reason to feel like the bad guy here - you are the one trying to set totally appropriate boundaries.  Your partner is trying to be a Disney Dad in response to his ex - this never works out well. 

tog redux's picture

I would never go anywhere in public with the kid again.  Then maybe your husband would "learn". 

GrudgingSM's picture

Stay away!! I know from your post title that you feel like you're the one causing drama by saying no, but it is your partner's inability to say no that's causing drama both now and in the future. If you want to leave the relationship, I'll chip in for the running shoes. If you just want to have boundaries around time with his son, definitely do that and see if your partner can respect them/you or treats you as a villain for wanting to avoid ruined dinners and totaled cars. That will teach you a lot about your relationship regardless.

PetSpoiler's picture

Setting boundaries is not the problem.  Boundaries are good.  The only drama caused is by people who don't respect boundaries and those who don't respond well to them.  I'd run.  Disney Daddy is causing harm to this child.  He's going to grow up thinking he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants.  Disney Daddy needs to discipline him so hopefully the law won't have to.  

CallMeCrazy's picture

Oh, goodness. Never telling a child no will create a monster... it already is. If you stay in this relationship, look at what you want for your future. Dating and living apart long term? Living together, married, children? Think about what YOU want for your life and then decide if this is the partnership, son included, that fits what you want for your future.

Winterglow's picture

Your partner is a parenting idiot. Children need to be TAUGHT, not left to their own devices. Your partner is taking the easy way out because parenting takes work. He clearly doesn't love his son enough to be bothered.

Your feelings that you want away from them are perfectly normal. The easy route? Are you serious? This isn't your child, your responsibility, so look out for yourself and put all of the parenting back where it belongs... squarely on your partner's shoulders. 

Teenybean3's picture

Thank you all for your words. It's so hard because his eldest two kids with his first wife he was strict with and it shows as they are both hard working, honest, lovely people and I adore them. He's totally different with the young one, I just can't get my head around it!

simifan's picture

You should have let him pull the fire alarm. It is punishable by up to a $10,000.00 fine. At least your DH would have learned not to let him do it again. 

Rags's picture

Consequences are the solution, whether natural consequences as a direct result of the action, or induced consequences to provide clarity regarding the state of abject misery that results from the behavioral choice, far more often than not work far better than accommodations, tender discussions, etc, etc, etc.....

As simifan advised above, next time let him do what he wants, (pull the fire alarm) , and let the kid and his failed family bio-parents pay for the consequences. They could all use a clarifying lesson.  The fine for pulling the alarm plus the law suit from the restaurant for the lost revenue associated with your idiot husband failing to control his spawn should tune them up nicely.