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Bummed out.

GSF300's picture

So normally everything is pretty calm when SD3 is at our home. Of course their is always hiccups but it happens. Shes hit terrible threes real bad, doesnt want to eat anything but junk, has meltdowns about every little thing and is getting more whiney and resistant if she doesnt feel she needs to do something ie clean up toys etc. Also the ever lovely sense of entitlement and the toys we have are never enough. Nothing ever compares to the toys and trips Grammy(SO's mom) does during daycare or with BM.

 Yesterday we were playing in the pool, got everything cleaned up and she hopped on the potty and burst into tears. What on earth!!! I asked her to use her big girl words and tell me what was wrong. She kept saying "her butt hurt", is it your butt or your "girl parts"? My girl parts GSF300. Okay well lets finish going potty and we can hop in the tub and rinse off and see if that helps. She continued to cry and says BM&Grammy says GSF300 uses to much bubble bath in my bath time. I keep composure. Honey we use 1 cap full and Daddy asked us to not do bubble bath all the time so we've cut back on it. ( To keep it more of a treat) Do you use bubbles at BM and Grammys house? Yes, all the time. Now mind you she was not in the bath tub we just came in from outside so I have no idea where this burning came from?

I asked if she feels that way at Grammy/BM's and what do they do for it-- she said they give her ice to put on her girl parts..... Now me personally I am the queen of UTI's. Last time I checked that wasn't a remedy? But who am I... So I just told her to let me know if it continued to feel uncomfortable and when she went back to Grammy/BM's to let them know if it doesnt feel good as well.  SO was not home for all of this.  I got her rinsed off and dressed. She said she felt better.

 Now the part that upset me, is once i helped get her dressed and out to watch cartoons before dinner. She looks at me and says I don't want to be here with you. And kept repeating it. Am i being associated with the burning girl parts here? Since mommy/grammy blamed me? She has these little moments now and then. But this was full blown. It continued when's Daddy coming home I dont want to be around you.

Once SO got home we all sat in the living room to talk, and he asked her what was wrong. She said she doesn't want to be here, and she is frustrated and sad. And she doesn't like being here and wants to go to Grammys......jesus.

I had to walk away.After i took a shower SD3 sat next to me held my hand and said I love you so much? What?

 

 

Gimlet's picture

I would be very wary of being alone with this little girl.  Based on this conversation, it would be easy for things to take a turn for the worse.  If she's there, DH needs to be there.  He needs to be the one bathing her as well, not you, until she's old enough to bathe herself.

beebeel's picture

I would try not to take what she says personally, even though it's hard. My own 3 year old tells me to "go away" and calls me "mean mama" and three seconds later he's hugging and kissing me.

What IS concerning is she spends so much time with Grammy, who is apparently on team BM vs SM. Your BF needs to tell his mom if she can't stop talking trash about you to his child, then Grammy doesn't get to spend time with her. If he isn't willing to draw boundaries with his mom, these problems you have now are going to get much, much worse.

GSF300's picture

BM- SO made an arrangement that SD3 is in daycare with Grammy until whenever she starts school. At the moment there was a huge blow up and there is no coparenting being done. I was very involved with that before and i took a gigantic step back from grammy and BM. All they did was use me.

SO has had multiple conversations about being more respectful of me or don't say anything at all. Nothing has helped. There is no respect. Its this house vs this house. We do not speak ill about grammy or bm in front of her. There is heavy enmeshment, and my SO removed himself as well as me from that situation.

You are right to not take it personally. It just caught me off guard because she usually does not say things like that.

As far as the bathing part goes... she does everything on her own. I pop in to make sure shes okay in the tub/dry off and assist with getting dressed. We are transitioning SO out of that because she is a little girl and is learning about her body and what to keep covered....etc etc. She is doing well with it. This was a freak incident.

I feel like it will get worse.

 

beebeel's picture

Then he needs to find another option for daycare. If he refuses, you should seriously reconsider this relationship. The red flags (1. High conflict BM 2. Enmeshed MIL who sides with bm 3. Bd with a broken spine) are going to be a swirling vortex of f$ckery by the time the kid is 14.

GSF300's picture

I think SO is fighting a losing battle unfortunately. Let me add that this convenience of SD3 at daycare with Grammy is because BM lives directly behind her. Feet not miles.

Yes this is a shit show.

Thisisnotus's picture

do NOT bathe her....let DH do it.

Also how does a 3 year old child act entitled? I am all for bitching about step kids and I do all the time......but I draw the line at 3 year olds. She is a toddler??? I mean come on.......I can't get on board to shit talking on toddlers.

GSF300's picture

I am not shit talking thanks...venting from the experiences I have to deal with, with her. She is not your normal 3 year old. Carries full conversations, can distinguish most feelings and doesn't miss a beat. And if your not "down with my post" .... no need to waste your time and comment! Thanks Smile

She is 3 going on 13. And yes entitled she expects something new everytime she comes over. If someone goes to the store she expects a gift or a treat. There is also the EXPECTATION of going to special places like amusement parks or just having to go somewhere fun for her every time shes over. With her birthday, we got is that it? Where is everything else? Being grabby and ungrateful because there wasn't more. At only 3.

If a toddler is capable of manipulating which they are (it sounds horrible but it happens)---example if i scream and have a meltdown to stay at grammy/bm's everytime daddy picks me up , he decides he doesnt want to deal with it and leaves. She knows every time she throws a fit at pick up  he won't take her with. She gets what she wants. And she knows the fits will work.

So with that being said  if a child can put that together- then if she is at Grammy and BM's and gets treats and new things every day and im not joking every day. She will have the expectation that when she comes over to our house she will get the same.

It is ridiculious. Thats half the reason the begining of her weekends with us are so rough because we have to readjust.

The bath time thing...i explained that above.

Thisisnotus's picture

3 year olds aren't 13 year olds...I guess I just don't understand your annoyance at a toddler or calling a toddler entitled...do toddlers even know what that is??? .....if that's the case you are going to really be in for it when she is actually 13..........trust me there are 5 pre-teen/teen girls living in my house......

I have a 1.5 year old....she screams and yells for toys and snacks  and "go bye bye" because she likes to go places.......she thinks the world revolves around her and that she should get everything she wants.....is she also entitled?

Siemprematahari's picture

Can you disengage from watching/bathing this child and your BF do it? Have her only be there when he's home?

GSF300's picture

With his work schedule, that would be next to impossible unfortunately. I did say that if something odd like that is said again. I will have the conversation with Grammy/BM. Because this is not okay.It must not be registering that she is repeating what they are saying?

tog redux's picture

Well, 3-year-olds of course can be manipulative, and can learn that they get treats one place and then want them in another - but she's not 3 going on 13, she's just a confused 3-year-old who is hearing bad things about you from others and being treated one way with one important set of adults, and another way with a different important set of adults.

Don't blame the kid - blame the adults. She's just toddler.

GSF300's picture

Tog- I know its the adults. Its all of them. Grammy/BM saying shitty things. And my SO for as much as he hates be redundant not  nipping shit in the butt by talking to Grammy/BM about the BS. There is no coparenting going on. Its spoil spoil spoil and its not going to benefit her in the least. Its frustrating for me because this is out of my control and again not how I would raise my child. We do what we can while she is here. But the behavior is frustrating and thats why i was venting.

tog redux's picture

I get it. It’s just that to compare a toddler to a teen in terms of ability to manipulate is not going to help. She’s a product of her environment. 

GSF300's picture

Yes she is. Not comparing toddler manipulation to teenager by any means.  The way she talks sounds like she is 3 going on 13. Very extensive vocabulary for a little girl of her age.

GSF300's picture

I get what your saying...it sounds weird. Its not annoyance as much as it is a concern. If I could describe it better I would. I mean she is over the top spoiled at the other two places. Which i suppose is normal? I just know how I was raised...and this is a whole different ball game.

 

ashes54's picture

So much this! My DH and I have the same conversations with each other. Like this is NOT how either of us were raised, and not how we have been raising our family. I have an almost 14 y.o daughter, he has an almost 12 y.o Daughter and a 9 y.o son, and together we have an almost 4 y.o daughter. My oldest is pretty well behaved. She went thru an adjustment period when DH and I got together but has come around and it's really just the normal teen issues now, and even that is much less than most teens these days, because I have always been an "old school" type parent with rules and consequences. None of our kids even have cell phones. Anyway, then there are his 2 kids, and BOTH of them are disrespectful, entitled brats. With NO reason. They have been with us together since they were almost 5 and 3. And we have parented together pretty easily. Things were slightly different before I came around, but nothing CRAZY, more of a lack of bed times or just watched a lot more TV than anything else. They had never been spoiled or give things to no end so where they got this "I do what I want and not what I'm told and I should be given everything I want and then some" attitude is insane to me. Our almost 4 y.o has better manners than his children. We got everyone new things for school. Clothes, backpacks, shoes, etc. and his kids were the only ones that didn't say thank you. It just gets under my skin because again, that is NOT how I was raised. I was grateful for everything and respected him elders. His do not. I realize this is totally different than your issues, granted she's 3, but I get what you're saying with how you were raised vs what you're dealing with.

GSF300's picture

I think it frustrates me more because its all out of my control. Because by the end of a long weekend with us she is going with the flow of our household. And its great. I was bounced between two houses when i was a few years older than she was and from what I was told I transitioned pretty well, so did my brother. But she is bouncing between 3. And you can see by her behavior how hard it is for her. It still does not mean you spoil the shit out of your kid. It just makes me cringe hearing well we don't have this you and daddy need to buy it for me. Its all stemming from the other houses. We are by no means perfect, but we are trying to instill our values & ways in her.

At times I just we would have full custody and call it a day. But BM has already threatened that one.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I've said this to you before, but your bf is a total idiot to allow his mom to provide daycare for his daughter. She is too close to BM, too invested, and has demonstrated multiple times that she has her own agenda.

This woman is now attempting to alienate your bf's daughter. Do you get just how serious and how very unhealthy this is? It's the total opposite of what a grandmother should be doing. She wants all the control, and will completely usurp your H's role as parent if he doesn't put a stop to this unhealthy carp.

GSF300's picture

I do 100%. He gets in an argument with Grammy everytime he picks her up.. He isn't acknowledged as the parent now. He doesn't spend time with his family because they chose to have the ex there all the time. . BM wanted to to still be a friend with SO, have his family in her pocket, date his friends and use me for whatever I would give because she knows I love SD. Now because SO created boundaries with her and said strictly communicate to me about SD she doesn't communicate at all. And shes still dating his friends an has his family in her front yard literally.

 It is a shitshow.

Last night I said you need to figure out how to make this right and fix it before the bullshit escalates. But it already has. Does he have a plan? I dont know, I try to keep my mouth shut.