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am i allowed to enjoy my childless free life?

elenamadley's picture

Apparently I'm not allowed to do my own thing? I have a 6-year-old skid and he is a rude little boy. He is a mother's boy and everything she says goes. I have since disengaged myself because of the drama and the BM and son lying about things. Her son doesn't like me and I can handle that. I'm with his father and our personal relationship is great. Been together for years.

Anyway when his son comes over to our house I always say hello how are you. He responds by just saying hi good or sometimes doesn't respond at all. If my partner is there in the room and he notices his son being rude he will say something but I just brush it off. So when his son is over I continue doing my normal routine that I do every day when I get home from work. Playing catch with my dog, emptying the dishwasher, cooking dinner, tidying up, laundry and after that I just want to sit down either in the lounge or bedroom and watch some tv.

The BM and her family are making it out like I have to do things for their son. I'm not sure if that's true or not? He is there to spend time with his father not me and never once has asked me to play. My partner doesn't pressure me because he knows I'm shy with kids. They also say don't push yourself on step kids which I don't do. Their son has expressed interest that he doesn't want me to be his step mum so why would I push myself onto him?

Am I not allowed to enjoy my childless free life?

Am I supposed to do more? I played a video game with him once and he said he was allowed to play it. It was a scary game but my partner said it was okay. The next time his son came over he told me word for word "My mummy is mad at you because you let me play that game" I was baffled. He said he was allowed and had played it before. His own father said it was okay. His son didn't even like the game and thought it was boring or too hard. The BM never once has said something to us. Only hearing it from a 6 year old.

So I never did that again.

ndc's picture

The BM and her family are misinformed.  You don't have to do anything for the skid other than treat him with basic kindness and try to keep him out of harm's way if your partner isn't there to do so.  You don't need to play with him, cook for him, do his laundry, organize his schedule, give him rides, etc.  You can do any of that stuff as a favor to your partner, but you have no obligation to the child. He's not yours, he has two involved parents and he doesn't appear to want your involvement.

elenamadley's picture

Exactly right. My partner agrees! He respects me and is okay that I'm just nice to him. The BM make it out like they don't want me involved but do at the same time? But after reading that sounds like I'm doing everything right and okay Smile

Yesterdays's picture

Bio moms "opinion" means diddly squat. It means nothing. I wouldn't put too much concern in what her opinion is on anything. Do what you feel is right. If she texts your partner he can tell her it's none of her concern. I would have her number blocked if you haven't already. Thing is, your custody time with the child, you and your partner can spend as you wish with the child and her opinion doesn't come into play. You can have your own rules, do your own thing. Don't allow her to dictate those things.

Yes... It's kind of hilarious that she says that you need to do more, and also the reverse, that you are doing too much. But....who cares??! I would try to adopt this mindset. Maybe laugh it off. And remember that your relationship is between you and your partner, and bio mom doesn't get to determine these things, despite what SHE thinks. Nice try, bio mom

elenamadley's picture

Haha love it. Quite strange isn't it? I think she likes to be in control with everything but it doesn't work that way sweetheart. Just be lucky I don't treat your child like shit like she does towards me.

CastleJJ's picture

BM does not get to determine what your role is as a stepparent. And due to her HC nature, she doesn't get to be insecure about you replacing her and not want you involved as a stepmom, but then expect you to do things for the child that a bioparent would. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. Many of these HCBMs want to abuse the SM so they don't "feel replaced" as the mother figure but then use the SM to lessen their parenting load when it is convenient. Doesn't work that way. 

Don't allow BM or her family to dictate what you do in your home and don't allow your BF to feed into any of that either. Once a HCBM gets a footing to have a say, they go too far. If you feel like doing for SS, great. If not, then don't. Your only responsibility is to ensure his health and safety if you are the only adult present, that's it. 

Yesterdays's picture

I agree with the others. I think that you should still have your own life and continue to do the things you normally would do, as you outlined in your post. Your partner is the one that is primarily responsible for his child and he's responsible for certain things, finding childcare, school events, sports, those type of things. You can be as involved or not involved as you wish. It's kind of a balance and sometimes you will play with the child, buy him a treat. Many on here kind of take on this mindset of being a fun aunt. You are there, you are around, but you leave the heavy parenting lifting to your partner. 

elenamadley's picture

Thank you. I honestly felt like I wasn't allowed to do my own thing. Weird! This kid I believe gets lots of attention when he is with his mum and her side of the family. His type of fun is having people watch him on his ipad or watch him play a game on the screen. I'm sorry but I'm not wasting my weekend doing that. I have sat down for 10 minutes and watched him. Bloody boring but I did it just because he asked me. This was years ago though.

Kona_California's picture

I'm curious about how you end up learning what BM's and her family's opinions are. Does your DH tell you what she says or does BM contact you directly?

I echo that whatever BM thinks doesn't mean jack. Even moreso what her family thinks. Your part is with your DH and what the two of you decide.