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Accepting his child? Abort, ABORT.

curlycat's picture

Im 28 years old lawyer, no kids. Im starting with my career and so far this is the most important thing in my life. Not sure I even want kids.
My mom was always abusive (she hit me, kicked me, throw me down the stairs) towards me (she still is just not physically) but she adores my brother (35).

3 years ago I met this guy, he was married with this women he later discovered was cheating on him, he has one daughter (age 7).
His wife and he divorced 2 years ago and we have been seeing each other ever since. Let me just say that his wife is a manipulative b****,
she always uses her daughter to get to the information, she lies to her, she invents stuff... not nice.

The problem is, I have major issues when it comes to moving in with him, because of his child. He has her on the weekends, and every Wednesday.
His daughter is nice. No complains here. She is always holding my hand, she gives kisses, etc,...
The problem is ME. When we are together somewhere and the people are smiling at us (oh my, what a perfect family you are), I always want to just
scream: "I AM NOT HER MOTHER". And when my bf gives her more attention then me, i become so damn angry.

About wanting my own kids with him - OMG. I DO NOT want them because he already experienced that feeling with someone else.
And he always say he wants my child so that we could go together on vacations and Im like NO NO NO NO NO. I cant even imagine having my baby and resenting him
the whole time.

Am I weird???

CANYOUHELP's picture

You have way too much to offer a man than to settle for this man with a child. You do not have to do this to yourself, daddeee will get worse over that kid in time, especially if you get married. If you are feeling this now, you cannot imagine what your future holds with him and his child.

You are not weird, you are normal; the best thing about you is you are noticing your true feelings and you do not like the person this dynamic is creating in you.

Do not waste your time and emotion with this man, he is not the one for you and you do not need to get too heavily involved with him. You are smart enough to do you both a favor and find a man who is better matched for you. You might even want to have a child with the right man....:-)

I would never settle for a man with children if I had no children myself; that rarely works long term.

curlycat's picture

Thank you all.

Let me just say. I did really try. It is not like Im mean to this girl. I buy her gifts I laugh with her, I play with her and talk to her about grownup things and on the other side my heart is breaking because I feel like Im losing myself.
When I told my bf I dont see myself with children he got all offended and
said he feels sorry for me because for him women who dont want kids are not real women. He is so sure I will change my mind and that one day I will just yell "MAKE ME A BABY". Not gonna happen.
And I just HATE that whenever he sees a baby he looks at me and says "OOooh, admit it, you want it."
It is getting really annoying.

He is always telling me that Im full of fears and I just need to let go, and Im always thinking,
YEAH, I do need to let go -YOU.

hereiam's picture

Full of fears? No, it's knowing that this is not the right relationship for you. Follow your gut.

ESMOD's picture

I was like you at 28.. met my DH when I was about 38. At that point, I think there were some last minute regrets that I should have had kids. I did go off BCP when we were married, but at that point, nothing happened naturally and I wasn't that interested in having a child to go to medical lengths to make it happen. Now I'm 51.. and that boat has sailed.

My DH has two girls who are now on their own as young adults. In the end, I never had a child, but did have to deal with some of the issues that are part of life when you DO have them including financial and time commitments. When your DH has a child, there will be times when the child has to come first or will have things that conflict with what you want to do.

So, ultimately, are you willing to potentially never have a child of your own while having to deal with some of the things that having a child brings into your life? Do you want to have that EX in your life?

At this point, I am thinking that you might be better off at least giving yourself a chance to find someone who can offer you a fresher start. Maybe you WILL want a child of your own.. but right now, it's ok to not want one.

ESMOD's picture

"About wanting my own kids with him - OMG. I DO NOT want them because he already experienced that feeling with someone else."

If this is a deal breaker issue that you can't get past, I would find someone who has not had a child yet. However, you do realize that the older you get, the more likely it will be that the men you will meet will already have had children. Also, while it's sometimes hard to stomach, unless you meet someone in grade school, they have had a life before you. They have had other relationships and experiences.

Would you not go to Hawaii with him because he went there with an EX. How about eating lobster because he and his EX went to the local lobster hut? Now, i get it, a kid is a bigger issue, but it is not completely different either. It's just that the child is a physical, living , breathing representation of that past experience. Kind of like coming across old pictures of them together.

I get where you are coming from to an extent because I have a certain longing/jealousy for the time my DH spent with other people before he met me. I wish I had met him earlier in life. But, logically, I can't let his past and my wish that I had that time ruin my future right?

The things that are concerning here is probably his EX. A contentious EX is no picnic and will intrude on your life. The child herself will have her moments too. If you truly are not "in love" with him enough to consider leaving at this point, I guess I would go ahead and pull the cord before things get too much further enmeshed. Going forward, I would make sure your list of deal breakers is taken into account before you leap into a relationship with someone. Perhaps you just learned what one was... perhaps you will ultimately settle for someone with kids in the future, but you still have a chance to try to find someone you can start with a little less encumbered.

curlycat's picture

I do not have a problem with her, I sleep in the same bed this wife used to sleep and cook in the same kitchen.
His past with her is not the issue here, the issue is my future.

And his progressing "wish" that I give him another child so "we, all together can be a family".

But I do understand what you are saying, so thank you.

ESMOD's picture

"Let me just say that his wife is a manipulative b****,
she always uses her daughter to get to the information, she lies to her, she invents stuff... not nice."

I'm sorry.. based on the above statements.. you DO have a problem. She seems like she is likely to be a thorn in your side IN THE FUTURE. There are tons of stories on here about the vindictive EXes and the havoc they wreak.

You also mention that you don't want to have a child with HIM because he has already had this experience with someone else. Again, that is a past issue haunting your future. It's hard to ignore the past when a physical representation is right there in front of you.

I don't blame you if you don't want to be with a guy with a child. You seem to be on the fence whether you even would want one. From personal experience, you may ultimately resent not having one if you are with someone who DOES have them though.

Tuff Noogies's picture

follow your gut.

you are still so young, you have plenty of opportunity to find a partner without previous children.

if you are adamant that you do not want children, beware of shacking up with a guy who has kids - there is ALWAYS the possibility the child/ren will end up living there full time with no bio-mom in the picture. the possibility of that is ALWAYS there. this board is full of stepmothers who suddenly found themselves "full-timers" - myself included. cocktailhour. bsgoingon. walkonby. mamadukes. cover1w. one who has TX as part of her 'handle'. this is JUST to name a few off the top of my head. some of us 'lost' the bio-mom due to drugs, some due to bm's sudden death.

the bm in your situation could die in a car wreck TODAY. do you really want to do this? do you really want that to be your life?

follow your gut.

Loxy's picture

That's an interesting point Tuff Noogies about what happens if you end up with the skids full-time. It's logical to say that if you couldn't bear having them full-time then you shouldn't be in that relationship but I wonder how true that is for most.

It's certainly not true for me. I know I would have walked had we ended up with the skids full-time. Having that 50% to live a normal life is the only thing that got me through the last decade and will get me through the next decade.

My biggest fear now is what happens if one or more of the skids want to live with us full-time or close to. They are both coming to that age where they might want a say in custody ie SS10 and SD12 and while I could probably manage with SS10, there's absolutely no way I could handle SD12 anymore than we what we do now and I absolutely refuse to sacrifice the good half of my life (ie the 50% of time without skids)for that kid.

Fingers crossed the opposite happens and SD12 wants to live with BM!

Disneyfan's picture

None of that really matters since they are worlds apart on having a child together.

Marrying this man when he had made it perfectly clear that he wants more children would be wrong.

curlycat's picture

I did. His answer is always I will get used to it and soon I will even want to give him another child...

Merry's picture

That's what HE wants for you. You have to decide what YOU want for you. HE wants another child so he just assumes that's what YOU want, or will want, too. But you and he are separate people with separate wants and needs. He can't make you want what he wants. Sounds like he's dismissing your concerns because he is just SURE you will change your mind because he wants you to.

You can't make yourself be something you're not. His wishful thinking won't change that.

ESMOD's picture

"Before that little girl gets hurt because of you." I would say the girl's dad would have a part in this by pushing her to fulfill a role that she was fairly clear from the outset that she didn't want. He keeps trying to say she will change her mind and is just acting as though him wanting it will make it happen. He is also letting his child get too involved with someone that is not 100% going to be part of her future.

He isn't listening to OP and his daughter is likely to suffer emotionally as a result.

I know you probably didn't mean to lay the blame all on OP.. just pointing out that dad needs to be aware of the emotional risk to his child too.

curlycat's picture

He is so selfish about this. I ALWAYS tell him how I feel. With the
exact words I told you here on forum. He just acts like its no big deal,
that is all normal. He wants me to spend time with them. Like I said before,
I try to, but it just doesnt work. I always get back to, this isnt me.

Like last week, they went to the seaside and he wanted me to come.
For four days. And I said no, and he resented. He even said that she can sleep with me
in the same bed and he will sleep on the couch. I men, WTF?

A few weeks ago his ex wife called him enraged because his daughter lied
i was pregnant. And he didnt even flinch, he said thats no big deal. That he wishes I was.
It all feels like Im pushed into a corner.

ESMOD's picture

I think it's pretty clear that you are seeing the reality of your situation. You are fairly young and you aren't stupid. I know it's easier to take the path of what seems like the least resistance (staying in the relationship)... but it's obvious that your inner woman is telling you that this is NOT the right situation for yourself.

I hope coming here and seeing your own words in print and seeing the supportive responses allows you to get some clarity on the situation. Of course, if you want to stay in the relationship, that is your choice, but this guy doesn't seem to be the right fit for you.

Don't cling to bad decisions just because you have spent so much time on them. You can't do anything about the time you have spent on this relationship, but you can choose how to spend your future time.

Rags's picture

Nope, you are not weird. And... you know what you have to do. Cut your losses, move on. This is best for you and for them.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

SMforever's picture

Ugh, he sounds like a chauvinist creep. Run as fast as you can away from this. If you are infact a lawyer, then you have your financial independence and therefore choices. Don't saddle yourself with this neanderthal.

What is really creepy about this is he seems to be using you as bait to annoy his ex wife. Leave him asap, and maybe leave behind a nice gift for the daughter. Make sure you go No Contact with him so you can move on. He sounds extremely childish.

notasm3's picture

"Ugh, he sounds like a chauvinist creep. Ugh, he sounds like a chauvinist creep."

Agree - he's the weird one - as in a really weird ahole. No one needs a partner that decides what YOU want while ignoring your real wishes.

curlycat's picture

Very grateful.

I don't ever want you to think I feel SORRY for me because
I don't. I've been answering the same questions you have for 5 months now.
All I could come up with is that this is the first guy that ever "took care
of me", nobody, not even my parents did that. And this is why it is so
hard for me to leave, and was hard to EVEN face reality.

I signed up and wrote because I wanted to see, If what I was feeling
was somewhat normal, that Im not some "looking for perfection which
doesnt exist, ever" girl and that this will hit me.
The same came from my boyfriend, when he said that I wont be forever
beautiful and guys will not be forever "falling for me".
I know he is afraid. He alone said that he knows I could be very successful
and he is afraid that when that happens, I wont give him a family. Thats
why he is always telling me its never the right time for a baby, that a year, two, wont make a
difference.

I am very "hard" when it comes to my work, but as for my personal life, I always let
people put me down. It is been like this forever. But even that is changing,
because a couple years ago, I wouldnt even think that I MAYBE deserve better.

Once again, I really value that YOU took all this time to write this post. You
really did help!

ESMOD's picture

My dad always said women would be better off if they spent as much time picking their men as they did their shoes..lol.

Actually, one part of your reply stuck out. when you mentioned you don't want to be a"looking for perfection which doesnt exist, ever" girl.

That was the line of thinking that led me to marry my first husband when I was in my early 30's. He was my 2nd "long term" relationship. I had dated one other guy for 3 years in my mid-late 20's. I guess at that point, I figured that no one is perfect and you just have to pick the flaws you can live with. Well... I didn't do a great job at figuring out what flaws were acceptable and ended up marrying a guy that wasn't right for me. He was insecure and condescending and couldn't keep a job. What I took for being "overconfident" was really the reverse. He also was good at digging at my insecurities...so of course I felt that he was just being blunt and honest.

In the end, we were together for probably 5-6 years and it took me into my mid/late 30's and honestly ended up most likely wasting my best chances to have a child of my own. Of course I didn't want to have one with him because I had to do EVERYTHING in the home (from cleaning to cooking to yardwork to paying bills etc) I didn't want ANOTHER child...lol.

I should have stepped off the train when I realized we had problems initially. I actually made him move out a few years into our relationship and before we decided to get married for several months because I didn't think we should continue a relationship. But he was persistent and I let him move back in.. then several months later he asked me to marry him and I felt like I would be the bad guy if I ruined our tenuous rekindling of the relationship. So we did and it just was not the right fit. I was very unhappy and in the end, he was too.

I wish I had had the nerve to follow my instinct and let the relationship die when I made him move out. I knew he wasn't right then.

I think you came here because deep down, you know you aren't weird. You aren't blowing things out of proportion. It's not even that he is necessarily a bad person, but it really doesn't sound like he is the right one for you. Believe me, youth and looks do fade, but it won't matter with the right guy.

fifi123's picture

Firstly, YOU ARE NORMAL. Or at least, me and you are normal and everyone else is weird Wink I say this because I had very similar feelings about my ex's step-child (HATED that he was a walking-talking representation of a past relationship and HATED that if we ever had a child it wouldn't be his first child, but it would be mine. The same magic just wouldn't be there for him as it would for me. I resented it every single day I was with him).

Ultimately it comes down to if, in this current relationship, you feel that you are going against your core principles/what you really absolutely want in life (first child with someone for whom it would also be their first child etc.) then he's not the right man for you. Your gut is usually very good at telling you when things feel wrong and go against your character/your values.

I have just ended a very, very (scarily) similar relationship due to a lot of reasons, but one of them was because of having very similar feelings towards the step-child/previous relationship as what you have outlined in your post. I just want to tell you that after ending it, I feel so much better now and I guarantee that once you stop trying to fight these negative emotions and accept them instead and use them as fuel to end it and begin your "new life", then you will feel so much better, too.

Like I said, I have just come from a very similar situation to yours and now that I'm free of it, it is like a huge cliché weight has been lifted and I feel "free."

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do, but listen to what these people above my post are telling you. They gave me sound advice when I needed it and they're all giving you sound advice now. Put yourself before this man and his child and you will never look back Smile xxx

curlycat's picture

Thank you all.

I ended my relationship a week ago. It was just one of those silly moments when I realised I couldn't live like that anymore.
We were supposed to meet in a caffe, where they have the best ice cream, and I really wanted some. I was sitting there alone for 20 minutes and
then received a call from my bf telling me that the kid really wanted to play with other kids in the sand, asking me to come to another location.
And when the waitress asked me if I were stood up, I lost it. I cried in my car and ate my ice cream, than went there and told him I could not do this anymore.

Another thing, the kid has become intolerable. She keeps telling her dad that he's dumb, stupid, etc,... and he just laughs.

He said I am over sensitive and told me to relax and take things easy. "SHE IS JUST A KID, for God's sake."
You take everything to serious.
He told me later we don't have to see each other when he is with her and he is with her for two days in the week and on the weekends. He suggested that
I find something to keep me busy that time. This meant that I would be alone all weekends.

I cried so hard. Not because it was over, but because I got this feeling of abandonment and his selfishness. it is just horrible that someone wants to be with you when HE has time, not when you need him. That it is normal for him to be with his kid and for me to be alone that time.

I would like to again thank to all of you ladies, who took your time to help me. It means a world to me.

Rags's picture

Congratulations on the start of this new life adventure. Equity life partners are just that. They are equity life partners. They journey together and not when one or the other of them can fit the partnership into their schedules. They make each other and the relationship their unrivaled priority. Kids are the top responsibility but should never displace the partner or relationship as the priority.

You were not abandoned. He was never engaged. Two very different things.

Take care of you and make sure that you learn from this experience so you can avoid repeating it in the future.

fifi123's picture

There are definitely at least a few people here who fully support your decision, me included. Well done for taking a decision for YOU Smile how do you feel now?

Now is the time to really focus on yourself & "the right man" will come along at some point. Congratulations xxx