Your Answer???
If your toxic SD came into your home, sat down at your table, and began to apologize for her rudeness to you; what would be your answer?
I don't trust my SD; she is working up to doing this, I feel it coming. I am a straight forward person, SD knows this. When I talk to people, I look them straight in the eye. With this said, I'm usually caught off guard with nasty people.
We ran into her at the store today; she lives less than a block from us and I have been disengaged for the past six years, only to see her once or twice every six months. It's driving her crazy, because I won't budge on my boundaries; I will never forgive my SD or forget how she has participated in trying to destroy our marriage. I will not bring DH into this disengagement; it is defeating to do so. If I had not disengaged, our marriage (36 years) would be history; I will never go back to being part of her life.
I truly hope she stays away from me; she knows I don't want her around me; DH has told her that I want her to leave me alone. My SD is the type that thinks she can push it all under the rug and continue with her passive aggressiveness. I just have this feeling it won't stay peaceful, without her trying to make waves; she actually tried to get verbally pushy in the store today. I excused myself, left her and DH to visit, turned around and there she was again.
What would be your response/answer to her, to keep her in her place? Or would it be better to just stare her down, with no words; she hates being ignored, which is what I did today and it has been working well.
"--- she actually tried to
"--- she actually tried to get verbally pushy in the store today." That doesn't sound like she's working up to an apology anytime soon. Even if she did, would you keep a relationship with someone you didn't trust? Besides that, she might SAY she is going to apologize so it looks like you are unforgiving and small to your DH. We both know that's not the case. Your DH has told her you want her to leave you alone. You might have to remind him of it. To counteract her passive-aggressive games, act like she's a crazy stalker.
I wouldn't waste any energy on her or give her value she doesn't deserve by giving her a response. The ignoring seems to be working for you the best so I'd keep going with it. While she's standing there, blabbing with DH find some item you are interested in an read the label. LOL In my opinion you offer one of the best examples of how to deal with obnoxious SDs. I've learned a lot from you about staying focused and unemotional when it comes to skids.
I've actually done this type
I've actually done this type of staring at SD in the past. I usually keep looking at her hair and then looking down at her feet; you would be amazed at the reaction; she gets all nervous and walks away to carry on a conversation with someone else. It's been quite some time, since I've used this tactic, thanks for reminding me.
If your SD ever did apologize
If your SD ever did apologize for her behavior you should be suspicious. It's been 6 years, the apology would not be sincere the motive would be some kind of game she would be playing. Continue on with ignoring her.
If ignoring her has been
If ignoring her has been working, that's what I would continue to do.
Thank you for your input; it
Thank you for your input; it reaffirms that ignoring her is the thing to do. I do believe she is afraid to come to our home and confront me; but SD never ceases to catch me off guard. I've given it a good deal of thought, since I posted my question here; you guys are nailing it for me.
I think she will only come here for one reason, to look good in DH's eyes. I won't have DH tell her to leave me alone, I will tell her with no hesitation. DH did it on his own, after I received the "hate" email a year ago. I'm not sure what was said between them, I didn't ask, but I know DH had a talk with her. DH has disengaged more than I thought he would, from SD. I say nothing; we didn't even discuss the "chance meeting" we endured in the store. '
When SD began her verbal attempt with me, yesterday, I walked away, like I didn't realize she was talking to me, and finished up my shopping list; DH and SD caught up with me a few minutes later; she made a big scene of saying goodbye and "you two have a great day"; I did not respond and I noticed DH said nothing to her upon her departure; of course I was scanning the shelves for an item, I was actually having a difficult time finding; with that said, I wasn't purposely ignoring SD; it seems to come natural now days.
I love all of your comments and especially your sense of humors. I am doing well with my disengagement, but there are days that SD pushes it, always in the presence of DH. So I come here and ask for any new ideas and it helps me stay on track. If she does try to apologize, you guys have helped me get thru it with your input.
I know this; SD would love to
I know this; SD would love to go back to the games. As long as I stay on track and keep my boundaries, she is unable to continue; because now she knows DH is onto it all as well. SD just wants to regain DH's faith and she will continue to think of ways to make me look bad. I will never trust SD again.
I know DH understands what happened over the years. We don't have to discuss it any longer. I know SD is his daughter and I want DH to have any relationship he desires with SD and family; I just don't want to be expected to tolerate SD and SGD's treatment; DH & I have finally come to this understanding without words.
We are doing much better, only because I let it go and moved forward. I just need you guys to remind me to stay on track. Good job.
Listen with a neutral
Listen with a neutral demeanor, tell her that you appreciate her apology, and then tell her that an apology is only as good as the ongoing effort to not perpetrate the behavior that necessitated the apology in the first place. Then calmly ask her... "Is that all?". Then stand up and pour yourself a glass or cup of your preferred libation/liquid. When you are just about done pouring turn to her and say... "Oh, would you like one?" }:)
Rags: This is good advice
Rags: This is good advice for more reasons than you know. The story is long, but the short of it is; DH was the cause of a lot of SD's aggressiveness towards me, along with her jealousy of our marriage; then SD involved SGD (daughter/mother), on and on; it's a game with all of them; a game they played with BM and still play with BM.
When SD sent me a hate email, she threw DH under the bus, thus breaking the dam and causing a flood.
So an apology in front of DH would not be welcome, but it would be the best way for me to address both of them about the perpetration of all the behavior; I would have a neutral demeanor, because I've let it go and have told DH I want SD to stay away from me and leave me alone forever. DH was very defensive of SD and thought I was being completely unreasonable, but DH is doing much better with it all, because he has been taking it all in; it has been a year this month, since the hate email.
I will keep the "neutral demeanor" just to show them how I plan to keep the boundaries in place. This past year, I did get control of the situation and set boundaries that nobody really likes but myself; I had no choice after backed into a corner. }:)
I think the silent, stare
I think the silent, stare route is best in your case sammigirl.
Her apology would be fake, with an agenda, and within time she will go back to her nastiness.
The only way I think you should ever accept an apology from her would be after you had seen significant improvement in her behaviour towards you, for a consistent amount of time
An apology from her, in front of your DH would be great though. Shows she acknowledges all the wrongs she has made against you
SD has been nasty to me for
SD has been nasty to me for 36 years; she will never change; it's what she is.
Her apology would be fake, only to get back in DH's graces. She would never apologize to me alone; she won't be in the same room with me, without "daddy" there; so you know it's fake.
I would not "accept" her apology; I would probably just listen and let it go.
I'm finished with it all, but I hope she doesn't try to apologize; I usually get caught off guard by people playing games.
You are correct as to the silence and stare.
My situation with SS30 is
My situation with SS30 is different on many levels. He has wanted me to accept him from the beginning. To him that means me providing money for what ever he wanted. Or to let him use our vacation home (or access to our friends' vacation homes).
SS was major pissed when I did not let him come for Mardi Gras in New Orleans. We have friends who let us use a condo (with an extra bedroom) but I did NOT want SS there. We did it once - and guess what - we ended up with court appearances and SS being called to testify.
SS in my opinion has always wanted to use my assets and my friendships to further his own welfare. Here's where I am in all of this - SS can go rot in hell. I want NOTHING to do with him.
DH can go spend any time with SS that he wants. He can see the crotch dropping that SS and babymoma produced any time he wants. None of this has any impact on MY life.
I understand and have only
I understand and have only one word for it; KARMA. You see KARMA will visit your SS someday. KARMA is visiting my SD right now.
My SD wants everything to go back to the way it was 30+ years. SD can have "Daddy" wrapped around her finger and I keep my mouth shut. The past six years, I have disengaged and SD has shown her true colors; I call KARMA, because she no longer has "Daddy" wrapped around her finger and she is blaming me. The only thing that turned the whole thing around for me; "I DON'T CARE ANY LONGER", and I am sincere; you see I disengaged from my DH also, changes have taken place, without my realizing. I know it now and I'm free of my toxic SD and DH's games. They are the losers; my DH realizes it too. We are doing ok, but it will never be the same, change has happened in our house. It's almost like I have a new light on everything. I have my bad days, but I have a very responsive memory of what was.
So KARMA will visit, I believe it. Everything that goes around, comes around; I've witnessed it more than once.
I've had apologies from
I've had apologies from family members who expected everything to go back to the toxic way it was before they tried alleviating the guilt of their crappy behavior on me. I was gracious, listened, and thanked them; but to their surprise I kept my boundaries up. This meant that I kept living my life by my terms; which often meant, without them since their lip service did not equate a true change of heart.
"But I said I was sorry!" Thank you for that, now I must go live my life.
Thank you for telling me what
Thank you for telling me what I feel in my heart. I truly don't believe my DH or SD know any other way of life. It is sad, because I gave my soul and heart to my DH; I've never loved a man like I love him; but it was wasted and he could have had it all; and even sadder it's their loss.
Now it is my choice to protect my investment after 36 years of marriage. I am moving forward and keeping my home, my marriage, and my sanity; I am so much at peace with taking control of my own life. It isn't what I envisioned, but it is what it is; most important it's MY decision, not DH's nor SD's.
It's very different for them; they are like "deer in the headlights". Myself, I am doing better each day; it's about time I gave myself a break.