Does your dh notice the ice block treatment from your sd? If you dh notices the ice treatment, what has he done about it? Why does your dh not accompany you to your df for xmas eve? It seems that you have been going out of your way to make dh happy by accompanying him to dd, it only seems fair that he accompany you to visit your df. Especially knowing that your df has been in your dh life as long as you have been married. You are making the right decision by sharing some very treasured moments with your df, these moments will remain in your heart forever, moreover you are doing the right thing by spending time with him. I am sure he looks forward to spending time with you, as it is an act of kindness and love.

Your plan for Christmas day sounds very reasonable. But I can see that you feel conflicted as far as what you view as your 'wifely duty' and enduring the 'ice block' treatment vs. spending valuable time with your Father. I'm also wondering if your DH notices SD's ice block treatment, and if so, what he is doing about it. He didn't ask you what you wanted to do. Does he ever do that? If not, there needs to be communication between the two of you about how you will take turns about how to celebrate the holidays.

For instance, DH will be going to visit his family for a pre-Christams party. I will not be accompanying him because, even though I love the rest of his family his brother's wife has become too hostile and catty to be around. I told him I had something else planned but I would rather have a root canal than to endure any more abuse from her. But we seem to both realize the importance of being together to celebrate the actual day of Christmas.

I'll bet SD gives you the 'ice block' treatment other than on holidays, and it has grown old. Time to take a rest from her. If DH wants you to accompany him to visit SD, or wants her to visit your home he must make the choice of demonstrating to SD that you are united, that he cherishes you. Then and only THEN, you will make an attempt at having a relationship with SD.

Isn't it sad to get to the last quarter of our lives and have to live like roomates instead of husband and wife. My dh wants the same thing. He wants us to come and go as we want without letting the other person know any of the details such as what you are leaving and about what time you expect to be home, or even if you are heading out the door with a goodbye.

He also has his own accounts and expects me to have my own after being together 26 years and not having to need them. I just informed him that I had been paying for my medication and he looked stunned as he pays for any medical and educational needs his ds of 47 years has. I personally hope he fell like a fool for letting it come to that. However, he just nudged me into feeling more independent and living life without him. I feel stronger and I am now willing to let him go as I can do better by myself. I bet he did not expect that with his actions.

Keep on being strong, it feels good. I laugh more and I am finally enjoying my time on earth. I just stopped taking the medication that made living with him and having to deal with his ds tolerable. You sound strong and willing to make the decisions to make your own life better. Bravo!!!

OP - Your time to spend with your Father is much more important than putting up with your SD.

Perhaps if you point that out to your husband, he would understand Sadly many men just don't think that way.

You know nothing is going to change in the dynamics with your SD so enjoy Dad, being with him, spending Christmas with him.

Ah, sweetie, you are a kind, loving woman. Your father will appreciate you and the effort you invest for a Christmas Eve dinner. Your DH can enjoy the Christmas night with you.

I wondered when you went for Thanksgiving to SD's house, how well that would turn out. I thought you were brave to do the "civil/polite" thing with SD since she has actively worked against you for decades. DH is danged lucky that you decided not to divorce him last year, so he should be happy with whatever time you carve out for him.

You have chosen not to live the same life you tolerated for years. Now, you are actively creating your days under a different set of expectations. Kudos. Keep us in the loop.

Sammi, that's the wonderful thing about disengagement. You are ... disengaged!

While you may feel badly now about not spending Christmas eve with DH, you will certainly spend time with him on Christmas. At this stage in life, what difference should it matter whether it's the eve or the day? You will have your time together.

The most important thing is indeed spending precious time with your dad. I sure wouldn't feel a drop of guilt about that, at all. And to be fair, your DH shouldn't be guilty about the holiday time he spends with his kids & grandkids either. He values his time with his kids, just like your Dad will value his time with you.

While it may be somewhat different than what you've done in the past, you and DH can still enjoy alone time together for the holiday - without any other family members around. Seems like everyone will essentially have their time with each other during the holiday.

The only down side is that your DH won't see your dad which I'm sure he would like to do. But that seems to be the choice DH has made - to spend the holiday with his own kids. Maybe in the back of his mind he's figuring he's not getting any younger, either, and he wants to spend the holidays with his kids and grands.

This is the kind of compromise that stepfamilies have to make when the skids or other family members are not welcoming to the spouse. I'd rather spend less quality time together with my DH without skid drama, than a whole day feeling ignored and minimized.

Good for you for being assertive on what you will and not tolerate from the shallow and polluted end of your DH's gene pool.

Enjoy your day with your dad, and your evening with DH.

Take care of you.

It always befuddles me when individuals use drama to attract attention. Why not just talk intelligently to keeps someone's attention? I am so tired of individuals using drama for attention, as I have found that when that does not work then they up the ante to anger in order to get attention.

I hate being around drama infused individuals and unfortunately there are two persons in my life who behave that way. Ss is still one person who continues to be have this way and no one corrects him, fortunately he will be out of my life when I head out to Arizona. The other person is my ex daughter-in-law who is bipolar. However, I have managed to find a way to redirect her drama to a more positive light which really works. I ignore her behavior once and then if she continues I peacefully tell her that "I prefer a more calm, peaceful environment" while breathing deeply when I tell her. Sometimes I have to tell her more than once, but she usually gets it and I can see her body start to relax and as she no longer has to be on edge to communicate drama. As Cesar, on his series about dogs, be calm and show the dog who is in charge until the dog is in a "calm and submissive state". }:)

I'm just a few months away from being 70. I realize that at most I may have another 10-15 years - maybe 20 if I am very lucky (and healthy).

Not going to put up with any crap. The time for "waiting things out" is over.

I spend Christmas day with my daughter and parents too. We all love it. We love it so much that we dread coming home to the ice that is his children refusing to speak at the table, and walking out of the room during gift exchange. The one child calls the whole thing a farce. I guess what he does not get is that it is not a farce for anyone else. I think I will suggest to my husband that they don't visit during that time as they don't enjoy it, or just finish the night at my parents and exchange gifts with him privately. It is so sad that people feel the need to use a holiday to inflict hurt and venom. I am sorry you were put through the "ice" and am glad that you will share the day in a loved space from now forward. Life is challenging enough without people actively trying to make things worse.