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Weaponizing the finger to make a point. The Golden Uterus gets slammed.

Healyourslf's picture

It has been DH's intention to "never talk bad about BM" to Skids.  I am sure many DHs and SMs have lived by these same noble principles even when BMs have repeatedly wielded their alienation weapons and brainwash tactics.  DH and I know for a fact that BM has been badmouthing us for years and pulling the puppet strings, but we always felt that her bitterness would have a boomerang effect down the line. Until now.....

After a futile year and a half of trying to talk to SD about her disrespect and covert manipulation tactics, DH finally wrote her a letter stating..."I spent 22 years in a bad marriage and you are creating the same behaviors your mom did. I do not deserve this and I will not allow it. Each new thing is driving me further away from you." 

SD feigns understanding and intent of any of her behaviors.  Her go-to, rationalization is, "I just don't understand why I can't have a relationship with my dad."  We realize that this statement is ineffective posturing to point the finger at me as the "cause" of the issues  rather than accepting that it is her own manipulative, passive-aggressive behaviors that have created the problems and rift. I may have been the catalyst for jealousy and other unpleasant emotions, but I am definitely not the cause. Many of SD's behaviors targetted me so I had to neutralize the situation by disenaging.  DH is about to fully disengage too. Albeit, he is hanging on to a thread of hope that SD will apologize and begin working on herself.

DH tried to keep his nose out of the BM gutter, but he couldn't seem to get through to SD without mentioning BM. SD's behaviors, modelled after and manipulated by BM, are repulsive to DH and reminiscent of emotional trauma that he will never allow again.  (BM is an alcoholic-narcissist and DH was the codependent-enabler. Anyone who has ever lived with NPD knows the devastation it creates.) It seems impossible to avoid inferences to BM.  We are absolutely sure that BM controls the logistics (she has texted SD during visits with us right in front of our noses to make sure the emotional target is hit dead on). However, at 24 years of age, we feel SD must be responsible for her own choices and actions.

Has anyone out there been in a similar situation struggling with BM/SKID enmeshment?  Even though you tried not to bring BM into the dialogue, was it the only way to clarify your position? Did it work?  Did it compel SKID to look at things differently?  My feeling is that SD will run to BM with the letter and it will infuriate her.  There will be another point of attack I'm sure (SD has already started triangulating other family members into this).  We're hoping that boomerang has made it's turn. 

  

Siemprematahari's picture

My H and I share the same ideas as you in regard to "never speaking bad of BM". My H's 26 year old daughter is also brainwashed and manipulated by her mother and its disturbing to see how her mother crosses almost all boundaries with her. BM treats her more like a sister/bestfriend and relies on her to help her in all ways to raise her other two younger children. I don't think the step kids can even begin to understand how mentally screwed they have become because of their mom and I feel therapy is the only way that they can come to this conclusion themselves. Its tough and like you I have also disengaged.

I'd be prepared for your SD to show that letter to her mother and BM create drama over it because that's what they do. She may try to use it as further leverage against your H.

With that being said I hope you and H can disengage from this toxic behavior and find some peace because life is too short and you've done all you could.

Do yourselves a favor and just live your best lives!

SacrificialLamb's picture

"Her go-to, rationalization is, "I just don't understand why I can't have a relationship with my dad."  We realize that this statement is ineffective posturing to point the finger at me as the "cause" of the issues  rather than accepting that it is her own manipulative, passive-aggressive behaviors that have created the problems and rift. I may have been the catalyst for jealousy and other unpleasant emotions, but I am definitely not the cause. Many of SD's behaviors targetted me so I had to neutralize the situation by disenaging."

This is right out of my SD's playbook as well. She is almost twice as old as your SD, so I would not count on this behavior going away. I would not consider my SD enmeshed with her mother, but she learned how to manipulate and reward/punish from her, and continues the same tactics since the manipulation worked to her benefit for so long.  

If your SD has narcissistic tendencies I would not count on SD ever admitting she did something wrong. When my DH tried to broach the subject with SD, she accused HIM of creating the toxic environment. For previous events that happened, SD made up the most ridiculous lies trying to get out of them. She will lie to get out of anything, even if she looks ridiculous doing it.

However, I would recommend that DH just focuses on SD's behavior and less on BM's influence, because that will enrage her even more.

StepUltimate's picture

Anyone who has ever lived with NPD or NPD's victims knows the devastation it creates.

Healyourslf's picture

Pure evil.

Rags's picture

We never had a problem with it because I never tolerated it.  

While noble, not “badmouthing” the X to the kids is naive if that means toxicity is not confronted with fact.

Facts are neither good nor bad, they are merely facts.  Use them.

We started this strategy when it became evident that the toothless moron SpermClan was going attempt to manipulate my SS with lies and emotional drama.  We called bullshit and for most of his childhood we kept him abreast of the facts and truth in an age appropriate manner.  When he as a preteen we reviewed the CO with him and over the years he was introduced to the complete court records, the SpermIdiot’s arrest records, his serial history of out of wedlock breeding with underage girls (SS is the eldest of four out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by three different baby mamas), etc, etc, etc...

We did not badmouth them, we just spoke the truth in a direct unembellished manner.

In his teens we frequently found SS-26 in our Custody/Visitation/Support file cabinets researching reality in response to some toxic crap spewed by the SpermClan that did not pass SS’s smell test.

We felt we had no choice.  We had to arm and prepare him to protect himself from their manipulative crap while on visitation to SpermLand.  Not only while he was a young man but also into adulthood.

Their crap didn’t stop when he turned 18.  Since then they have attempted to guilt him into helping support his three younger SpermIdiot spawned half sibs among other crap.  

Stick with the facts.  Confront the toxic blended family opposition with the facts.  Keep the kids abreast of the facts in an age appropriate manner.  Review the CO/divorce order/ court records/etc....  Confront each and every PAS attempt, lie and manipulation by the toxic opposition.  If they are reasonable then be reasonable.  If they are not reasonable...... bring every legal, financial and social tool at your disposal to destroy them.  Prepare the kids to protect themselves.

 

Good luck.

 

MissTexas's picture

BM=One in the same. Bowel Movement/Biological Mother.

Feel free to use the two interchangeably.

You must feel proud of DH. Good for both of you for being on the same page.

Jcksjj's picture

 But actually moreso in regards to my DS dad then with BM. I dont really agree with the "never talk bad about the other parent" rule in all cases. If both parents truly have the best interests of the kids at heart and are trying their best that rule is probably for the best, but unfortunately that is not always the case. I dont think "yeah your parent is an a**" is ever appropriate lol, but an age appropriate discussion of why the parents behavior isn't okay is necessary I think in some situations. 

notsobad's picture

We try to never talk badly about BM and it seems to have worked for us.

I don't know if it's because the skids were older when BM and DH split up (11 &14) and BM didn't brainwash them when they were young. Or if it's because the skids aren't narcissistic?

In fact it's worked to our benifit because BM trash talks us all the time and the skids are tired of it I think. They are old enough and have lived away from BM long enough that they realize she doesn't know us or anything about us. She just harps on made up things or things from the past. Plus, we are easy to get along with. We don't really have any problems with the skids and I'm not the horrible awful person BM would like me to be. The skids see that for themselves.

The one time we did talk about BM, DH brought up that it was always her who had the problem. It didn't matter if it was with us, her family, her friends, the people she'd hired to build her house. BM was always in the right and the other person was treating her badly. I said you have to look at the common denominator. The only constant in all of BMs problems is BM. I think that hit SD hard.