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The First Day Of Christmas....

Healyourslf's picture

On the 1st day of xmas, DH says to me "I must stand my ground with SD."   

<<<<and the chorus sings>>>> Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! 

Close to disengaging completely and I think the holiday is going to be the last straw.  His therapist told him last week that if he is going to disengage he has to go all the way otherwise it's useless. I can tell he's been mulling around his thoughts on SD and said, "I'm going to send just a card."  (He sent a card with a sizable cash contribution for her birthday a few months ago - no acknowledgement. No thank you.) 

Yes, DH, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.

He does not exist when hate, selfishness and alienation exist, and you know that they abound with SD who gives to your life it's lowest moments and sadness.

tog redux's picture

I'm confused by what the therapist said - why can't he just send her a card? It's not the standard advice to entirely separate from an alienated kid/adult kid.  He shouldn't send lavish gifts or fall for her pleas for money, but it would be appropriate to send a card.

Most therapists do not understand parental alienation, so there's that.

Healyourslf's picture

This is as much a part of disengaging from SD's hateful, disrespectful behavior as it is about DH learning to set boundaries against emotional manipulation. Through 26 years of marriage, DH was "conditioned" to respond to "silencing" by giving BM anything she wanted. SD is following in her footsteps. 

He's trying not to play into the silencing punishment, reaffirming to SD that love is unconditional (it is not about money and giving you everything you want) and not monetarily rewarding her for entitled, disrespectful behavior. He's getting there.

Not many therapists out there who specialize in step family dysfunction. 

tog redux's picture

I know. I agree that he should not send money or try to win her back or anything.  But a Merry Christmas, love you Dad card is fine, IMO.

SM12's picture

It is grand when your DH finally starts to see the constant begging and throwing money at the kids is not getting them more time or respect but more abuse!!!  My DH has his fill last Christmas.  He got the two older SSs (who are PAS’d) each gift cards.  They didn’t show up so we kept them and used them for what we wanted.   This year he isn’t bothering to buy them anything, not even gift cards. 

The bad side of it all is having to deal with the non PAS’d kids.  My DH is making more mistakes by catering to YSS so he won’t follow in the same footsteps as the older two.   He doesn’t see how that is what led to the older two disrespecting him.   I already see YSS learning he has the power to twist DH into knots by being SAD or upset something isn’t going his way.  I guess it will take another 5 years for DH to finally say enough Fromm YSS.   Merry HOHO

Healyourslf's picture

So far, so good on SS27 and BD23. Albeit, SS27 called (right after spending Thanksgiving with SD24) and the discussion was mostly about him "wanting" a new truck.  I could hear the violin playing as SS explained to DH about a truck. (In the past, when SD would whine about something, DH never asked questions...he would just send a check and/or purchase what she was whining about.)  I couldn't help but wonder if SD put a bug in SS's ear about "asking dad for money." 

DH advised him on being patient and weighing the pros and cons of a vehicle purchase...that's it. Later DH said to me, "He's 27 years old. I had to pull my own weight when I was that age." I thought that went well.