Musings On Make Believe
After the last bout of gifting SD24 (birthday last September), DH did not receive any acknowledgement or thank you. DH decided that he would not gift her anything this Christmas. Before I disengaged and when our adult kids have not flown home for the holidays, DH and I have sent very creative packages with home-made goodies, personalized ornaments, funny gifts, stocking stuffers and sizable cash/gift cards. We also included gifts for their pets and SO's (if they happen to be in a relationship at the time).
BD23 flew out to visit this holiday and it was a very relaxing, laughable, wonderful time with her. SS28 received his gift package - called to relay his comic use of the silly stuff, sent funny photos and thanked us for the cash. SS28 then went to visit SD24 for a week over the holiday.
Yesterday was DH's 60th birthday and the phone started going off early morning with well wishes from friends and family. SS called later in the day. DH and I always put family and close friends on the speaker phone so we can all engage in the conversation. At one point, SS spoke of his holiday visit with SD24. Apparently, BM also flew out (DH and I thought this was a good thing. BM has not spent xmas with her kids the last 5 years and opted to work at the bar. She's an alcoholic).
SS told DH that SD thinks her package was "stolen" because she had not received anything from us. Both SD and BM assumed this was the case and were fraught with concern because there was NOTHING for SD. Yet, SS had received the usual holiday gift extravaganza. (We also split the cash that would have normally gone to SD between SS and BD so each got more).
Why would SD even assume she would be getting anything from me. Is she in La La Land? She is going get a huge wake up call when she realizes that DH is no longer willing to reward/enable her behavior. Her delusions run deep.
I watched DH's face as SS described SD's "non-gift" dilema to see if he would tell the truth to SS. I could feel myself getting very uncomfortable when SS started telling the "package" scenario. DH evaded explanation...gleamed over the topic, and changed the subject. I was hoping he would tell SS that he didn't send a gift and why. I suppose SD will figure out that no more presents are coming and I should just accept DH's avoidance of the uncomfortable.
Thinking...hold steadfast to disengagement for 2019. Let DH deal with the sticky webbing.
Final note for 2018....gratitude to all the wonderful, insightful and genuinely helpful posters on StepTalk. Many of you have shared information, advice and personal stories over this last year that helped me through some very difficult emotional times. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. May we continue to support each other through the crazy step times....here's to 2019!
Atta girl!!!!
"Thinking...hold steadfast to disengagement for 2019. Let DH deal with the sticky webbing" Good for you!!! After all, this has been HIS responsibility all along.
I am sure if SD was better behaved she would be getting the same thoughtful presents as SS. From what you write it is obvious you get enjoyment from giving to people who appreciate it. SD's reaction to her not receiving the gift was to assume it was lost rather than question why it was not given. This tells you that she thinks she is entitled to it. You did not mention that SD purchased anything for you and DH. The spirit of giving must be mutual. SS's reaction to your gift was his 'present' to you. With SD, you are not getting anything in return.
I agree - let DH deal with it on his own. Eventually he is not going to be able to avoid delivering the 'message' to SD. He may blame you initially but I can guarantee in the end SD will concentrate her wrath on him. But this is something he and he alone created. All you have to do is, as you wrote, "Hold fast on disengagement" and watch the fireworks on the sidelines.
That's funny that your SD
That's funny that your SD thinks her gift was stolen!
We stopped giving to my SD27 (and her kids) a couple of years ago. We've never gotten so much as a thank you or a card in return and she would regularly tell DH that our gifts to her her two boys were not good enough. The final straw was when DH heard the boys refer to him as "your dad" to SD and she didn't even correct them. No, we do not see them often, but he is still their grandpa.
The first year we stopped buying gifts, she called and called, waiting to hear the usual, "When can we come by and give you your gifts?" To her surprise, it never happened.
It is sad, DH would be a great grandpa, but SD lives in BM's fantasy where DH is an awful person, and he will not look the other way when it comes to SD's treatment of him... not even for the grandkids. For one thing, he knows that she would not hesitate to use them against him, so he's always been leary of getting too close to them.
Anyway, we are grateful for the people who DO want to be a part of our lives and we enjoy showing our appreciation to them. Because, we know that they appreciate it!
Wow! What a breat improvement
Wow! What a breat improvement these Holidays realized for you and DH.
I hope he can stick to the program.
I do think that rather than explain it to SS that DH needs to call SD and give her the facts. When SS asks, the two of you can just tell him that his dad has already discussed it with SD. If SS pushes for more info... just in short tell him that her toxic crap is no longer going to be rewarded and that you both appreciate your relationship with him.
Good luck and Happy 2019 to you two too.