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UPDATE: MY PARTNER QUIT PLAYING "HAPPY FAMILY" WITH BM

FWSM1964's picture

Thank you all for your supportive words. 

Since I posted last, my SO filed for divorce from BM.

His eldest son, along with me, and my third son helped him move at the end of October as COVID made it impossible for him to carry two homes at the same time. 

His eldest son was respectful, helpful, and courteous towards me during that day, and regularly hangs out with my SO once a week. His eldest son is gradually feeling less and less guilt-bound to follow his mother's orders preventing him from inviting me to his home.  I understand how he feels as my children felt the exact same way during their teen years when my ex refused to allow them to visit me if my date was there.

His younger son calls him regularly from 3,000 km away, and they have a good bond.

His daughters refuse to visit with him unless he visits the matrimonial home which he has refused to do.  He did not go there this Thanksgiving and will not go there this Christmas either. My SO is okay (albeit not happy) with losing contact with his daughters.  As they are under the thumb of BM and live with her, they generally do not reply to his texts or answer his phone calls.  He has heard from each of them exactly once since the summer.

His two daughters are somewhat resentful of BM's control over them and chose to spend more time with their SO's family rather than with her or my SO. I am grateful that we have no contact with them as I have heard some horror stories about emotional incest on this forum.

All my children get along great with my SO, and have told me repeatedly that they are happy that he makes me happy.  My SO cares for them as well, so all is good in my world at the present moment.

tog redux's picture

Good for you, I'm glad it's moving forward and that at least, his sons are not alienated from him.

Peach's picture

Where did he move?  I hope that the fact the his is finally divorcing BM means that he will be severing financial ties and supporting everyone ongoing.  If my memory is correct, wasn't he still paying her mortgage?

FWSM1964's picture

Peach, he moved 25 miles closer to my home where his housing costs were cut in half.  The value of the matrimonial home has been determined for court purposes, and it will be put up for sale within the next four months. He is still paying 50% of the mortgage costs on the matrimonial home as he is both on its deed and on its mortgage.  This will stop when the sale proceeds of the house get paid out.

Sandybeaches's picture

From your other posts I had not realized he was actually still living at BM's or even had stuff at her house.  How many years have you been together?  

I also don't see his being 25 miles closer as a victory for you.  Why not move to your town if his commitment to you is now first? Why not move in with you? These are crumbs when they should be whole cakes by now.  I still think that this man is taking advantage of your kindness and patience.  Why is he paying any of her mortgage?  There is no court order to do so.  She has had ample time to figure this out for herself.  Not to be rude in any way but you do realize he is eons away from being free of BM.  She can carry this out FOREVER and in my opinion will!!   

You need to think of yourself here.  There is still a long battle ahead.  If he even moved to your town I would say possibly he is serious about his life with you but 25 miles away?  What is that why 25 miles? 

FWSM1964's picture

Sandybeaches, I am sorry that I wasn't clear.  My SO moved to my town which is 25 miles away from the apartment he gave up.  The matrimonial home is 17 miles from my home and 8 miles from SO's old apartment.  He has not lived with BM since 2006. The mortgage and deed are in both parties' names and so he has always paid his half of the mortgage. He did this so that his children would grow up in their childhood home as BM could not carry the mortgage by herself. Now that they have, the house will be sold as per the divorce agreement. Hope this helps clarify things.  

Sandybeaches's picture

But one point you need to watch for.  You mention selling the house per divorce agreement.  There isn't a divorce as of yet so she still could pull anything she wants to and my guess she will.  Anyone that has strung this out as long as she has is not going to just start to play nice.  I don't see this going fast and smooth.  

If he had his own apartment I don't know why he still had anything at BM's to move.  Did you mean moving things from his apartment? 

I still don't see this as a good situation for you.  You seem like a nice person and you have put up with way more than you ever should have.  

FWSM1964's picture

Sandybeaches, you are correct on the first point as the divorce proceedings have not yet concluded.  I expect a fight as BM reminds me of my narcissistic ex and our divorce was long, drawn out, expensive, demoralizing, and painful.

In regards to moving things, I meant the items from my SO's apartment; however, he does have several paintings and photographs at the matrimonial home that BM didn't want him to take as it would destroy the coziness of her living area.  Probably, it helped remind her of him.  He also left his tools in the garage as they were unneeded at the apartment.

This is not the best situation, but things have been moving forward during the last several months, and for that, I am hopeful.  Also, BM has stopped communicating with my SO except to ask for money, which he now refuses to provide (outside of the mortgage). 

Thanks for your feedback, kind words, and support.  I appreciate it.