Stepfamily vs biofamily
I know many of you know me. I have been following along this board for years. You guys are familiar with my woes the past year.
long story short. My dad passed away at my home a few days ago. Really really tough. My husband and I were his sole caregivers and the past several months one of us was home at all times. We managed to work our jobs but not much else.
we got my parents home sold and brother refused to agree to split proceeds because the caveat is that upon death of one grantor the trust goes to remaining grantor and they control who are beneficiaries. Needless to say when I called my ex mother yes she really is, to inform her of her husbands decline she informed me all monies of almost million dollars going solely to my ex brother. Yes the one who caused all of this and amazingly declared bankruptcy in March.
maybe I do need to whine and complain but I am seeking advice. My father was Korean War combat vet and his absolute wishes are to be buried in a national cemetery near our home.
so the funeral director says the legal next of kin is wife and they spoke with them who plan on sending him to medical examiners office for disposal. I cry even writing this. Funeral director thinks after his body is at ME office for a few weeks I might get control of remains.
I am tortured by the thought of my father treated like trash. My only thought would be to contact congressman who himself is a vet? Any advice?
Clarification
My mother has been living across country with her son in a toxic enmeshed relationship that we've all seen. He was alienated and endoctrined from a young age but no excuse.
I am so sorry
You have been a good daughter. Yes to reaching out to your Congressman. Might also want to try reaching out to local VFW or American Legion.
Wow. She is an evil B.
Wow. She is an evil B. Reminds me of how my "mother" acted when my father passed.
I am so sorry for your pain and I understand.
I do know where she came from
These evil so called mothers. I have wracked my Brain trying to understand what produced her. Her parents had a wonderful loving marriage. She was the youngest of three. Best just to try to forget. At 60 plus years I waste valuable time.
Have you asked your mother to
Have you asked your mother to give you permission to handle the arrangements? She may have said what she did because she didn't know what else to do.. perhaps she would relinquish control to you (because she has nothing to gain one way or another)
And she might be being
And she might be being coerced/bullied into it by you brother. Maybe call the local (to her) services for the abuse of elders.
I’ve thought about it.
But she always can present well. She knows what she is doing. And like the triad of abuse, the abused become the abuser. She told me herself I get nothing. Even after selling their house caring for her husband it means nothing.
I am sorry to hear of your
I am sorry to hear of your dad's passing, even when we know it's coming it's a hard thing to bear. (((((HUGS)))))
As for your brother and mother ... words fail me...
Thanks.
For my own sanity I need to hit the delete button on the worst year of my life. Do you know that my mother had threatened with arrest unless I returned the recliner chair my father loved and that was the only item I took from their house? Seriously.
I did
She said she would allow me to. You have to understand. She lives with my brother who has lied and manipulated her all his life. Don't get me wrong there are no excuses for her.
the funeral director at first told me he had spoken with both but when I pressed him he only spoken to my brother. Who said to send him to medical examiners office. I did get angry and they then called my mother yesterday when my brother at work and she said to bury him with honors. But that could change after speaking with my brother. He had to turn her against me last year in order to salvage himself. Of course it didn't take much. Clearly my mother had little love for me but can these narcissists really love anyone?
I am hoping that her lack of boundaries will carry over to her husband and she will want the military burial.
we will see how it plays out today.
Good luck!
Yes, there ARE some pretty nasty birth mothers out there, including yours. Your brother sounds like a piece of work too. (((BIG HUGS))) to you for all you have had to endure in the name of 'family'. Is there any way you can get your mother's permission in writing for the military burial?
It all hinges
On my brother simply taking a screenshot of her signature relinquishing her rights to his remains. They don't have to pay a dime. I have everything all planned out and will be paid for by me.
I don't believe the funeral director has received anything and they were notified several days ago.
I am hopeful that having the letter from my father dated July 30, 1996! Will suffice for the burial with military honors to proceed. If not I am contacting my congressman who is a vet himself. Would this intervention not be good PR?
((hugs))
Im so sorry you are going through this.
How incredibly tragic. I am
How incredibly tragic. I am so sorry for your loss and for all of your mother and brother's crazy drama that you are now having to endure. Do as much as you can to honour your father but remember, you can only do so much. Don't allow these people to mess with your mental health any more than they already have. Take solace in knowing that you are a very good person for having taken care of your father until his last days. By you doing just that, you already allowed him to leave this earth in a distinguished manner.
Hugs to you.
You are indeed a good daughter.
Knowing your father's last wishes were to be buried in a veterans national cemetery, and trying to get that done, is very honorable.
If I may suggest, please consider the following. Writing to your member of Congress won't really help much, other than elicit a letter of sympathy for your family predicament. The sad fact is that your mother has legal authority over your father's remains as the next of kin. There is little the Congressperson nor any government agency can do when the law is on your mother's side. Unless you have documented evidence where your father wrote down his disposition and it was witnessed, it would be difficult to prove that was exactly what he wanted. Not to mention that the typical response time can be weeks if not months. There would be no beneficial PR for a congressperson to wade into the middle of a family feud, especially when to do so might be violating the next-of-kin rights (spouse) and would be viewed as trying to violate/circumvent law.
Even if you have a personal letter to you saying that is what he wanted, if it was dated from 1996 it would hard for you to definitively prove he didn't have a change of mindset over 25+ years, nor would it be strong enough to contradict the next of kin.
I am hopeful that in the next few days your mother will have a change of heart and will allow for him to be buried the way he desired. Do you have any other family members or friends who are veterans, who can explain to your mother that your father wanted these honors and he is entitled to them? Maybe it will help coming from other veterans, to advocate for him.
It is awful to know that someone's last wishes might not be honored, especially a veteran's. If you do not already have one, I suggest getting a copy of your father's DD214 in case your mother does have a change of heart.
Here is info from the Veterans Affairs website which may be useful (www.va.gov)
How do I request someone else’s military records?
If you’re a family member planning a burial for a Veteran in a VA national cemetery
Call our National Cemetery Scheduling Office at 800-535-1117. We can help you get the Veteran’s DD214 or other discharge documents you may need.
My update.
So after a week and a half I got a call from the funeral director that my mother had changed her mind and made me the agent to bury my father. What worked? I left a voicemail telling her that all her neighbors were told of her diabolical behavior.(yeah I called one from the old block) She did make a point of telling the director that she would not pay a dime. Whatever. He said that shortly after my Dad's body had arrived at the funeral home he called my brother. Who demanded the remains be dumped at the medical examiners office even after the director told him that his sister would pay for the whole burial.
funeral is next week. His wishes to the tee. I will be burying my father and my childhood. My nephew. My family home. It all is over.
it will be very symbolic. My daughter is also struggling. She says that she thought she had a loving grandmother uncle and an adored nephew. She's having a rough time at 25. I hope it doesn't cause her to struggle with trust and intimacy over the years.
I feel rested and relaxed for the first time in months. I know I did everything I could, esp with my dad. Now time to engage with the world again.
SD reactions? One was very kind and the other said to her dad, oh tell so and so I am sorry. So I give to those who give back emotionally.
Moving on
Now you can move on. Cut off all contact with your Mother and Brother, and you will find in time that you ae much more at ease and happy. You will find loving friends who turn into family. You will love the peace. Your thoughts will have clarity. You will begin the journey of loving yourself. And believe me - it's wonderful!!!
Right on!
You are so right. Life is too short at my age to hang onto toxic people. My husband and I are taking a road trip in a few weeks. Just relaxing finally.
I can't believe it's finally over.