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Ex Brother in law passed away... advise needed

ThatEvilSM's picture

Oh My... this has being a very hard week...

A little back story, I was married for almost 8 years to my kids BD, he is in the military, hence he was gone, a lot, all the time... His brother was always very present in my kids life's, he is the god father of one of my children, and we remained civil until the divorce. My former sister in law and her kids, remain very close to me and my children...

He passed away in a car accident yesterday, I am very shaken up and I hate seeing my kids in so much pain... My ex and I visited for a few minutes and he told me he will be ok with my going to the service and that way the kids can also be there, and I can take them back home after the funeral, the kids wont be going to cemetery, ( dd6 ds4)...

Now, two things...

The first one is that even tho my ex and I are civil, we are not friends, and I feel like I shouldn't be grieving because we are not family anymore (silly they were my family for years, I know, and he and I had always a very candid relation) but I don't know how to "support" my ex without stepping in boundaries, a part of me wants to sit and cry with him...its very weird!

The other thing is, my former MIL and I, well, we don't like each other, she has being very very mean to me, and to every other wife in the family, and is just not a good relation, but this is her son, and I know if I go to the service, I will see her and she will see me... and I am freaked out! lol... how to handle this? I feel almost like the un invited guest in a funeral that means so much to me! I am in such an awkward place...

Please advice me,

StepMat789's picture

Just because a piece of paper doesn't bind you together to your ex husband doesn't mean you aren't still family to your ex bother in law. Your kids are still related to him and family is still family.

I would go and take your kids. I would sit away from the family or allow your ex husband to tell you where it is best you sit. Still show your support to your ex sitter in law and husband. At one point in time, they were all your family.

Justme54's picture

I think that is good advise. Grieve him as a friend. I think the children might be too young for the service. Just my thoughts. I am not telling you what to do. Hugs and Prayers to you.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

No one is invited to funerals.

I would go and grieve by yourself is need be. It's not about anyone but the deceased. You are grieving/ paying respect for your kids uncle.

AllySkoo's picture

I think bringing the children to the service is fine, since exH said to. I can see that he wouldn't want responsibility for bringing them himself - at that age, they still require supervision and I'm sure he's going to have a lot on his plate.

As for "supporting" your ex - don't. It's to your credit that you want to, but don't. It's not your place anymore. He has family to support him and cry with him, and it's disrespectful to your current DH.

I would think MIL would leave things alone at her son's funeral, but if she does make a scene then just quietly and calmly take the kids and leave. It's about all you can do.

I'm so sorry for your loss!

BSgoinon's picture

My ExFIL passed away a few years back. My ex and I are civil, and dare I say even "friend-LY" not friends... but friend-LY. He even serves on the Board of Directors that I am the President of. I was very sad when his dad passed away. He was a huge part of my life for a long time. Many years of memories, and more than anything, he was my kids grandfather. When they hurt, I hurt. ExFIL wasn't local when he passed so going to funeral was not an option for me. But I did grieve with my Ex. I was there when he told the girls. I put my arms around him and let him cry on my shoulder. My husband completely understood. Human decency doesn't have to go out the window just because your marriage didn't work out. BUT... it is all up to the comfort level of you and your DH (or SO, not sure if yuo are married). Do what your grieving heart tells you to, within reason. And more than anything, be there to support your kids. They will need both of you in this sad time.

steplife's picture

^^^^THIS. My DH was in your situation over the summer when his ex-BIL passed away. BM asked us to attend and bring SD6. We sat in the back and SD was seated with her mother's family in the front. We then took SD home with us, per BMs request. We let BM call the shots on this occasion because we wanted what was best to support SD during the loss of her uncle. We all felt that at six years old SD didn't need to be at the reception all day/night around a bunch of grieving adults, but it was important for her to say goodbye at the funeral service.

If your ex, the BF of your children asked you to go, you should attend.

If BM had asked us not to go, we would not have attended.

Also if SD would have been older we probably wouldn't have gone.

ThatEvilSM's picture

Update on the funeral...

I guess I should have mention that my ex Sister in law (the widow) and myself are very close, so are our children...

But anyway, I went, with my husband and the kids, and it all went very well (as for a funeral/ well) my ex mother in law walked to me and hugged me, that's when I cried!, she hugged my husband too and thank us for being there...

My nephew (son of the deceased) cuddled up with me at all times, (gain we are very close!) and my ExHusband's family is not close to the widow and the kids (its a long story) .......... Anyway, it went ok, it was very sad, I cried... so did my children... but no drama (you all know what I mean)

ThatEvilSM's picture

Update on the funeral...

I guess I should have mention that my ex Sister in law (the widow) and myself are very close, so are our children...

But anyway, I went, with my husband and the kids, and it all went very well (as for a funeral/ well) my ex mother in law walked to me and hugged me, that's when I cried!, she hugged my husband too and thank us for being there...

My nephew (son of the deceased) cuddled up with me at all times, (gain we are very close!) and my ExHusband's family is not close to the widow and the kids (its a long story) .......... Anyway, it went ok, it was very sad, I cried... so did my children... but no drama (you all know what I mean)

SugarSpice's picture

family ties get mangled in a divorce, but you should honor your bil as you see fit.

i am sorry for your loss.

Hakunamafuckit's picture

First of all I'm really sorry for your loss and hope this kids are ok.

You are not there to "support" your ex. You are there to pay your respects to someone who was important in your life. I'd like to think that any other family members who have a problem with you would put that aside for one day (in an ideal world, I know.....).

Ignore any sour looks you are worried about getting on the day and focus on your ex brother in law. I'm sure everyone else will be focused on him too, and not on you. You'll be the bigger person for going. If you really are worried about feeling awkward or pushing boundaries, then don't approach anyone, wait for them to acknowledge you first.

I think you will regret it if you don't go.