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Step-teenager HELP

anneriley5528's picture

I'm open to ANY input/advice..

Me & my soon-to-be husband have been fighting about his kids. I have 3 kids (10,9 & Dirol that live with us year round, & his son (17) lives with us year round as well. It's his daughters (19& 16)that we're having problems with. I feel like he doesn't stand up for me to them & his x-wife. In Nov '16, it started with them calling me "princess", "what I want, is what I get". (Well, yea. I work, I pay my bills, and you get nice things.) Then, in December the 16 y.o blurred me & MY kids out of a family picture that we had done at a Christmas Party, that had ALL 6 kids & the grandchild in, & posted it on Social Media saying "I don't care who has to say what about this. She don't like me since I sent my dad some screen shots of her post (yea of stuff that was said 6years ago.. just trying to get a reaction out of me/us)." I give him credit for that, he did say something about the picture.
But the problem is that the girls feel like I'm taking him away from them, & he's putting me & my kids in front of them.
I mean it's a little hard to spend time with the girls, since they live in another state (8 hours away), they have their activities & we have work & our activities. & I know it's putting a toll on him & our relationship.
I've tried to include them in different things, picking out their dresses for the wedding, going to get our nails done, stuff that I normally do with my daughters, I included them. I feel like I can't text them, because if I do, then their bio-mom will see it & it would cause a uproar. (I learned my lesson on that). I deleted them from my social media, since they want to dig up stuff that happened WAY before me & their father met.
Another thing is, he doesn't tell me what is going on with them. For instance; the 16 y.o went to urgent care since she was sick & was throwing up. I asked him how long has she been sick for, his response "A couple days". He doesn't tell me when they're in town. He just makes it seem like 'well they're not her kids, so she doesn't need to know', & he said that he would tell me if it's a life or death situation.

SacrificialLamb's picture

"I've tried to include them in different things, picking out their dresses for the wedding, going to get our nails done, stuff that I normally do with my daughters, I included them."

Don't try to include them. You won't win either way. It's their dad's job to make sure they feel included. They have a parent and you should be thrilled you have no responsibilities for these girls. The extent of your concern should be towards your SO if he voices he is upset at the way his little princesses are behaving. All you say is "oh I am sorry honey - I hope things get better soon".

I agree with Echo above. The relationship is between the father and his kids. If you try to interject yourself, all you will get is hurt feelings and your DH feeling frustrated and pulled in multiple directions. You will get a big target on your back. His daughters don't want to play happy family with you. I'm sorry, but they usually do not. I was hurt at first, but then I accepted reality. Don't take it personally. The farther you keep yourself out of their relationship, the more peace you will have. You also don't want to hear what his kids say about you - how do you know they called you princess? If you heard that from SO tell him no more.

Both you and your SO need to read the book Stepmonster prior to marriage. If he insists on forcing you to play happy blended family with his kids, you have a long road ahead of you.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I agree totally with the 2 posters above. Stop expecting anything, that way you will not be disappointed. It is not your mess, you did not create it; but you are not married to it yet--either. If you get married, you are likely to have a lifetime of this, so make certain you critically think about that possibility. At least you are seeing everybody's true colors now.

anneriley5528's picture

I'm new at this whole step-parenting thing.. My step-mom told me when i was 16 that she was the reason that I didn't see my dad, bkuz she kept him away.. I dont want them to feel like this.. but both of you right.. I will just step back & go on.
Some times it take advice from a perfect stranger to make it all clear! <3

SacrificialLamb's picture

There is no manual for being an SM, so we were all new and un-educated when we started. It took some of us over a decade (raises hand) to wise up.

Read the book. Trust me. Good luck.

sandye21's picture

I agree with Echo and SacrificialLamb. You are trying too hard to make them part of a family they want no part of. Don't feel bad - most of us have done the same thing. It is important that your DH supports you as his wife and expects respect from the skids while they are around you, demonstrating to them that your marriage is his top priority. Sorry about your SM. Most of us bent over backward - at first - to win the skids over. It usually doesn't work.

Think of this: Would you go to this trouble for anyone else who wasn't related to your DH? As Echo mentioned, your DH should tell you in advance if he is going to spend time with them. But I wouldn't ask him anything else about them. At first this will be hard to do because you are a caring person but in time you'll get used to not having them in your head - and you will like it more than you can imagine right now.

anneriley5528's picture

When I first met the kids, was the day he proposed. & that whole weekend everything was GREAT!! All the kids got along, couldn't ask for it to be any better! Then when the 16 yo came to our house for the summer is when it went down hill. After the vacation trip, After I went out with my 3 & the SD & spent $1000 on school supplies, shoes, book bags.. that's when it went bad. Nothing happened in my eyes, but I guess it did. He has told me that their mom isn't a mom to them, she is their best friend, & I guess since I'm a parent, & I have rules, I'm the mean one. & I was trying to treat her like my own. But I guess since everything that has happened in the year, things will change, & I'll have to not treat her like one of my own. Thanks again ladies. It does mean a lot to have a support group, someone else to speak to that knows! ☺️