Step-Daughters wedding
Forums:
My Step-Daughter is getting married in Mexico next winter. Our relationship has been difficult and she did not attend her fathers and my wedding. Initially there was a date(Xmas break)and I made sure my holiday time at work was taken care of for the week leading up to the wedding and a week after. Now the date has been changed and I can't go nor can my kids due to university and highschool. My husband is annoyed with me and says
I should be able to make it work regardless of our responsibilities and that I'm hurting my SD. My step daughter texts him daily upset about us not coming. I'm in a real tough spot!! Help!
The reason they changed the
The reason they changed the date is money. It was cheaper for them to move it back two weeks. I'm ok with my DH to attend himself but he really doesn't want to.
If the reason is money, then
If the reason is money, then WTF are they flying out of the country to have a wedding when they could save a boatload of money by having a small local wedding!
DH is also being selfish and
DH is also being selfish and laying a guilt trip on SM by saying she "is hurting SD." SD cares about herself and she learned part of her manipulation from DH. While we sit around alway blaming BM's for stuff, I think DH's also should share the responsibility of the monsters they help create. Hang on tight because they are both going to ramp up the guilt trip on you this summer! Stick tight to your own bios and be there for them instead of this selfish SD's "first" marriage.
True, true, true. As much as
True, true, true. As much as your comment "the original family unit sticks together" felt like a punch to the gut, it has a lot of truth!
I agree with catlettuce: why
I agree with catlettuce: why woudl your DH be upset with you??? Why not with her?
Who would change the date and expect people to jump at the chance to rearrange their plans?
She wants more people to come - she can hold the same wedding closer to home over Xmas break.
She wants Mexico on the cheap - fewer guests will be there. She can't have it all.
You can tell her that you will throw her a celebratory dinner once she gets back and she can bring the pix and you will be happy to watch the slide show.
I guess it's a great problem to have though: a SD who is mad the SM is NOT coming to her wedding. Haha! Count your blessings...
Have you seen her texted
Have you seen her texted complaints? Just sayin......
I wouldn't go to Mexico unless it a direct flight into a gated guarded spa.
I also agree with 'catlettuce'. She is way out of line. If you were that important she would have consulted with you as to your availability. Perhaps she thinks she'll be missing a gift? Send cash now with your RSVP declining and perhaps she'll shut up.
I can believe she texts
I can believe she texts daily. My skid can blow up a phone like nobody's business when she "wants what she wants."
Point taken. Just another
Point taken. Just another excuse to use SM as a scapegoat by DH because he is annoyed at daughter for blowing up his phone, but let's take it out on SM! Damn this man is making me angrier.
My SD excluded us from her
My SD excluded us from her wedding and then said 2 weeks prior that her mom's cousins from the other coast couldn't make it so, if we wanted to, we could come. WOW. Thanks. She does text her dad daily (in spurts)if she wants something (money) or has a grievance and needs to bitch. Other than that, we never hear from her.
They both just want something
They both just want something to bitch about. I don't believe for one minute that she cares if you are there or not, and your DH is just being a baby.
To me, destination weddings are like inviting people to watch you elope, so it's an "open elopement", if you will. "We're running off to elope but you can come....OR NOT because if we really wanted to there, we wouldn't do it in another country."
People who are concerned about who will and who won't be able to attend their wedding have that wedding in a more convenient place and do not change the date after inviting people.
I can guarantee you that my husband would not go to Mexico, with or without me, for anybody's wedding. Hawaii, yes.
A couple of
A couple of observations...
First, the whole "they changed the date!" thing. It's EIGHT MONTHS AWAY. How much advance notice could you possibly need? I mean yeah, if they changed the date when it was a month away you could legitimately claim that wasn't enough notice, but at this point no. (Although I do understand about kids missing school, honestly, teachers will usually work with you to make it work. My own SD is going to miss school to go to my brother's wedding. I'm certainly not upset that he didn't plan his wedding based on her school schedule! We'll talk to her teachers and get assignments/tests/makeup dates and we'll make it work. It can be done.)
Second, yes, when you have a destination wedding you cannot legitimately expect all your guests to come. GUESTS. Family is a different matter, and Dad should ABSOLUTELY be there. It would be totally crappy of him to say he'd go and then back out because they changed a date 8 months away. He needs to go, for sure. (Whether you and your bios go is slightly different, being neither "guests" nor quite "family" from your description.)
Third, sure, you could let him go without you. And only you know your situation and whether that's a viable alternative. I know for me, it wouldn't be. One, because DH and I are a team and I couldn't let him walk into a situation like that without me for backup. Two, because I refuse to allow anyone (*cough*BM*cough*) to pretend even for a single day that THEY are a family and that I don't exist. But like I said, that's my situation and only YOU know your own situation well enough. Sounds like your DH really wants you there though, and if you guys aren't on the same page then you really need to talk it out. What if there's something he can offer you as compensation for going? Or what can you offer him as compensation for him going alone? Someone is going to have to give on this, since you can't both get what you want.
I dunno, I think if you can
I dunno, I think if you can at all work it out to go, it might be a good idea to keep the peace. There are some lovely places in Mexico. Maybe you could take some time to have a vacation while you are there. I understand that if your kids can't get off school though, that you would probably want to stay home with them. I would let your DH go alone in that case. Either way, I would not feel obligated.
When you attend the wedding
When you attend the wedding you will come back feeling like a nobody. Been there and done that.
I am also planning a
I am also planning a destination wedding. My fiancé and I have different feelings about it. As it's my first wedding I want everyone there. I kind of feel that we may make it look more local now that I have postponed due to wanting his son to be more in prefer before I marry him. That said as I want my parents there I would work out a time they could be there.
I guess the main question is doesn't your husband have any input at all as to the timing of the wedding? I would think he would as he presumably as the father of the bride is paying for a chunk of it. If he isn't paying for any of it he should just be happy he doesn't have to as tradition states brides parents pay for the wedding.
Why can't you go at the new time? I understand what your children can't. Can you really not go or is it your way of making a statement that it was so rude for her to change the date without checking with you? Also presumably I'm not sure how many years you've been married or why she didn't come to your wedding - but she was most likely a child and you are an adult.
I'm still new to this so this site helps me with how angry I am. I think sometimes my anger makes me not see things as clearly. I also think so many people on this board are equally angry and may not be able to step back from the situation. If so much of this was done in a vacuum we could deal with it. It's just that so much of this affects us every minute of the day.